rough sex, bad craziness....

[bourbonslut]

From what I've read this may not be "BDSM" but I don't know where to go -

A friend had a rough time. She and another friend (both inexperienced, to an extent) often engaged in bondage-type activities, and sometimes had what would be considered "rough sex." One night, I'm not sure how, stuff got out of hand, she found herself beaten and nearly strangled. She's having panic attacks but is physically OK, but doesn't know how to deal with this person, who she perversely still consideres a "friend" (since they don't have sex anymore). Right now she doesn't want to make him mad, and never thought he would be violent.

she looked at the local bdsm societies but she felt really traumatized cause it spooked her out. she won't even check the bdsm threads here. her regular therapist said 'stay away from him' but it doesn't seem like enough somehow.

is there something else she can or should do?

any help would be cool.

 

[shy slave]

Hi
I am shocked by what you have said.

I am not experienced enough to suggest what she should do or not do.

Hopefully you will get some thoughts from others here.

She is lucky to have someone who cares enough to come here and ask for advice

 

[Vixandra]

First of all- new therapist. She's probably going to have issues over being beaten up and nearly strangled- most normal people would. Without a trained professional, she won't be able to get past those issues and they may even grow worse.

To play the devil's advocate, her friend may have believed they were doing what she wanted, sexual asphixiation and sadomasochism being something they'd both enjoy. Did he go too far- sounds like. But it takes two to tango and she did have a history of bondage/rough sex with him, perhaps this was a next step that was too much.


Helping her now- new doc.
Perhaps having her find/talk to a local sub who's willing to take her under thier wing, show her that its okay to have freaked out like that and there's a much safer side of BDSM if she still wants to find it. Just takes the right partner.

 

[bourbonslut]

To play the devil's advocate, her friend may have believed they were doing what she wanted, sexual asphixiation and sadomasochism being something they'd both enjoy. Did he go too far- sounds like. But it takes two to tango and she did have a history of bondage/rough sex with him, perhaps this was a next step that was too much.

one missing piece of info - sorry - is that she had a hard limit of 'no touching on the neck' that he had always respected, and when he went for her neck she knew something was terribly wrong. she keeps describing it over and over as 'something snapped' - like it went outside of all play entirely.

the idea of talking to a sub is a good one, now, would she have to ask permission of a dom to do that? cause she is ambivalent about leaving the whole lifestyle, she is still new in it.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'm going to go out on a limb perhaps, but your friend might best be helped by a rape crisis center counselor.

Not that she was necessarily raped, but from what you describe, her partner went over a limit and your friend has been traumatized. A rape crisis counselor is much better trained for dealing with this kind of emotional distress than your average Joe or Jane Psych.

No one on this Board, unless they are are certified head shrinker or councelor, who has the opportunity to speak with your friend directly and extensively, will be able to give you anything except wild-ass guesses about what might help.

Your friends emotional and mental health is a job for professionals, not for us amateurs (no matter how talented) who are working with second-hand information.

 

[graceanne]

one missing piece of info - sorry - is that she had a hard limit of 'no touching on the neck' that he had always respected, and when he went for her neck she knew something was terribly wrong. she keeps describing it over and over as 'something snapped' - like it went outside of all play entirely.

the idea of talking to a sub is a good one, now, would she have to ask permission of a dom to do that? cause she is ambivalent about leaving the whole lifestyle, she is still new in it.

I agree with vixie. She needs a good therapist. And she needs time. Their is another person I know, who's into bdsm, who was in a very abusive relationship. It ended with her in the hospital. She also has panic attacks and all that, but is getting better. She also took a while before she could be around bdsmers and all that, your friend will be fine. But this is not the kind of thing you just instantly heal from.

 

[graceanne]

You might have her check out http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap . It's a good site for find a kink-friendly pyschologist.

 

[bourbonslut]

thank you all.

she's caught. she's not sure about going 'back' to the bdsm folks (even though she was exploring before) because the associations scare her. she's reluctant to go to a rape center because the encounter started out as rough but consensual, before it went badly. also, even though its shaking her up now, it actually happened a couple months ago, and was triggered on a casual visit to a leather shop with her friends when she left the store in tears, shaking.

i want to help her but this is so beyond me, since i am not so involved in all this except in a really light kind of way. i am totally angry but helpless.

a kink friendly therapist may just be the perfect thing. you all are the best.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I'm going to go out on a limb perhaps, but your friend might best be helped by a rape crisis center counselor.

Not that she was necessarily raped, but from what you describe, her partner went over a limit and your friend has been traumatized. A rape crisis counselor is much better trained for dealing with this kind of emotional distress than your average Joe or Jane Psych.

Where's the damn applause icon when you need one?

Sage advice indeed. It doesn't matter what started out as consensual. What happened went past a hard limit. Lack of experience on her partner's end doesn't negate what the legal world and most in this would consider inexcusable.

 

[Kind der Nacht]

I'm going to go out on a limb perhaps, but your friend might best be helped by a rape crisis center counselor.

Not that she was necessarily raped, but from what you describe, her partner went over a limit and your friend has been traumatized. A rape crisis counselor is much better trained for dealing with this kind of emotional distress than your average Joe or Jane Psych.

I agree though it is not technicly rape if some one crosses a line that has been set during sex expecialy like that it can have the same affect on the person as rape. She should get a good counselor experiance in that sort of thing and personaly i thinkhe should get a good ass kicking.

 

[sincerely_helene]

I'm bumping this thread as it deserves more response. I would post my own, but people would only throw rocks at me.

 

[NoJo]

I'm bumping this thread as it deserves more response. I would post my own, but people would only throw rocks at me.

And what's wrong with that?

 

[sincerely_helene]

And what's wrong with that?

I said "ROCKS" not... nevermind.

 

[RJMasters]

Can I ask a simple and obvious question here?

Has this guy even apologised to her and show any kind of remorse over hurting her the way he did? Has he actually admitted to doing any wrong here what-so-ever?

Two conflicting thoughts that keep hitting me from the original post....she still considers him perversely her friend, and ....she doesn't want to make him mad.

It sounds to me, which would be normal...she is afraid of this guy, and instead of standing up for herself, she thinks its best to try and keep friends with him.

What I think needs done here is....

1. Start with getting her some good help as Evil_Geoff said.

2. Perhaps seeing this guy bruised and broken on his knees before her begging her forgiveness might not be bad treatment for both of them, however as an alternative to that, suggesting to him to get some professional help might not be a bad idea before he hurts someone else.

3. If there is anykind of organized D/s/BDSM groups or leadership in the local area, informing them might not be a bad idea so they can keep a watch out for this guy.

It just seems that any advice given to this lady who was hurt is spilt milk advice and sometimes the best advice is a hug and be there for her willing to listen.

For the rest of us and for those new people who are looking to get into D/s/BDSM, this should be a good wake up call to once again know the difference between reality and fantasy. The fantasy of being strangled and beaten while being fucked has been a commonly expressed fantasy by many on this forum. Everyone knows I believe strongly in SSC. However sometimes that catchy little phrase is just as much rooted in the fantasy than reality. I think that is why many have moved from SSC to more Risk Aware. Because one could actually be lulled into a sense of SSC from the account given above. They had rough sex many times previous to this. Based on past experience everything had been safe, sane and consensual. So it is clear to me that SSC can sometimes fall very short and miss the mark of getting people to understand some real and serious bad things can happen. If your making a choice to do some of these things, you better be aware of the risks and keep your perspective.

The next time you let another person tie you up, you better be able to trust them with your life, because the reality is, your life could be on the line, not just your limits.

I feel very sorry for this lady and what happened to her and there is something inside of me that just wants to see this guy pay for what he did. He needs to learn what he did was wrong one way or another. Whether he apologises to her and checks himself into counseling, or she has him arrested for assult and battery and rape, or some Dom/Dommes in the area catches wind of what he did and send him to the school of hard knocks.

No amount of SSC or Risk Awareness can prepare anyone for the aftermath of when something like this happens. However the goal of teaching these things go hand in hand with an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Just makes one very and very

 

[RJMasters]

After saying all that....I guess the one thing I would say to this lady if I could...is what happen was not her fault, the fault was with this guy. I hope that in time she will come to realize that and let go of any fear, guilt or shame she might be holding onto about herself over what happened.

 

[bourbonslut]

an update

hi,

while my friend is trying to work this out in therapy, and by telling her friends (who all say, cut him off and out of your life immediately)...it's not so easy for her. she runs into him constantly, and he won't leave her alone. she has tried to tell him to stay away, and not talk to her but he insists. he thinks she should basically forget it all happened and get over herself. and no, no apology has happened. of course, she is still so confused and unconfortable around him that she hasn't asked for one, per se. yet she can't stay away. i'm (metaphorically) banging my head against the wall.

i STILL think filing a domestic violence report would put this guy on record, somewhere, but she says it's futile at this point.

Anyway....

 

[graceanne]

hi,

while my friend is trying to work this out in therapy, and by telling her friends (who all say, cut him off and out of your life immediately)...it's not so easy for her. she runs into him constantly, and he won't leave her alone. she has tried to tell him to stay away, and not talk to her but he insists. he thinks she should basically forget it all happened and get over herself. and no, no apology has happened. of course, she is still so confused and unconfortable around him that she hasn't asked for one, per se. yet she can't stay away. i'm (metaphorically) banging my head against the wall.

i STILL think filing a domestic violence report would put this guy on record, somewhere, but she says it's futile at this point.

Anyway....

Sounds like she needs a restraining order. She doesn't have to tell them what happened to get one, just that she's asked him to leave her alone, and he still follows her around bugging her.