Romantic BDSM

[chris9]

I don't really think that in any long, live-together relationship the usual romance involves flowers or candles. In my vanilla one those are the exception. Romance is doing something for each other, especially when one can't do it on their own. Right now S has too much to do, so I was very happy when he vacuumed yesterday which I would have done for him (it's his job). I fix him lunch to take with him when I'm thinking he won't have time to buy something at the university. I hold him in the evening in bed.
I feel more loved when he sings a goofy song with his own text on how great I am or how much he loves me instead of bringing home flowers (though I like to get some flowers every now and then ). Or when he guides me through some unknown part of town, taking care of me, so I don't get run over by cars, lose my way, whatever.
Most 'traditional' romance feels dull and without feeling, something weird/funny.

 

[Red Sonja]

...Or when he guides me through some unknown part of town, taking care of me, so I don't get run over by cars, lose my way, whatever.
Most 'traditional' romance feels dull and without feeling, something weird/funny.

I read that and I thought... oh,yeah like Say Anything with John Cusack as Lloyd Dobbler guiding Diane? away from the broken glass... that's romantic to me too.

I guess we're different because I want to do what will please him. I dress the way he likes, I do my hair as he likes, etc. The more I strive to please him, the better I get treated... It's like a wonderful vicious circle.

Oh.. and candles (at least the hot wax) feature prominently in my romance.

 

[BeachGurl2]

i think one of the key elements of romance is the concept of sensuality.
For me, anyway. Breakfast in bed isn't romantic in and of itself (you get it in the hospital for example). Nowadays, my dad serves my mum breakfast in bed every weekend, and i don't think they find it particularly romantic. Or maybe they do, they are in their fifties and still have a very active sex life (i live in the same house, and my mum is not quiet). i always assumed it had to do with the fact that my mum has arthritis and takes a while to get going when she has the time.
But, yet again, i digress.

See, for me, your dad bringing your mum breakfast in bed, no matter the reason, is very romantic. i think romantic can be anything that acknowledges your partner's feelings. It can be something as small as opening a door for me, hand on my back guiding me, or even walking up behind me while i'm doing the dishes to hug me from behind. And maybe i don't know what i'm talking about because i'm so new to all of this, but i don't think i could contemplate a relationship with someone if those kinds of things were missing. Just because that kind of action may not be appropriate in specific aspects of a lifestyle doesn't mean they should be precluded from others. Just my uneducated 2 cents.

 

[jasonlf]

(is the sky falling? Cutie just started a thread... )

Something that has been on my mind for a while has been the concept of romance within the contex of a BDSM/DS relationship. There are times when it seems (to *me*) so much focus in the community is devoted to kinky sex that the romantic/emotional exchange/soul engulfing Love that expresses itself through BDSM ends up a bit lost in the shuffle.

I'm not sure I have my own thoughts collected well enough to be a great contributor to the conversation, but I would like to hear other's thoughts on the aspects of romance in a BDSM relationship if y'all would care to chat.

*grumble* I leave for a few months and someone FINALLY starts this thread */grumble*

It doesn't seem right to me to have ANY kind of romantic relationship with the, uh, romance! Just because you may get whipped/flogged, and have chosen to submit yourself doesn't change the fact that your man loves you, and overall wants you to be happy and contented. Nothing in my experience makes a woman more happy and contented than to constantly recieve reassurances that her man is thinking about her and loves her.

My $.02.

 

[DVS]

Romance is in the eyes of the receiver. Personally, I find the fact that a woman will allow me to do all the nasty things I want to her very romantic. And, it's also very sexy. Just like the saying "the way to a man's heart is through is stomach"...it can also be through his kinky sexual satisfaction.

As I see it, submission is a gift she gives to me. Of course, she desires my dominance, so it's a trade off. But we each give the other what they want, so there is a strong human bond. That bond is based on trust and the longer the trust is there, the stronger that bond becomes.

This bond between two BDSM people might seem strange to a vanilla couple, because of the sexual exchange between them. But, when you look at it, compared to a vanilla couple's bond, it's much stronger. The submissive experiences bondage, pain, care during subspace, control of a scene so it doesn't get out of hand (personal safety of the sub, physical, mental and emotional) etc. The more each partner is satisfied with this interaction, and the longer this interaction lasts, the stronger the bond is. Is there anything equal to this in the vanilla relationship?

I'm sure the vanilla trust is strong, but I'd be curious to know the divorce/separation rate among BDSM couples, compared to vanilla couples together for the same amount of time.

Or, maybe I'm wrong and this isn't romantic. But, I see it as the closeness between two people, the bond that only they know, the mutual satisfaction they give themselves, the care and understanding that builds with time, and the "oneness" that develops between them, where no words are necessary to communicate contentment.

 

[h_i_s]

There are times when it seems (to *me*) so much focus in the community is devoted to kinky sex that the romantic/emotional exchange/soul engulfing Love that expresses itself through BDSM ends up a bit lost in the shuffle. ...........

That can be true for some, and i am blessed to be able to say, "Not here. It's not. Not true for this slave and her Master.".

He is as romantic as they get. There may be some who are JUST as romantic, but i doubt there are any out there who are MORE romantic.
He's been that way since the day we met and has become MORE SO as time goes on.
He's romantic in many ways, with thoughtfull gestures, sweet expressional acts of love, kindness and concern, and with the many ways that He has shown me time and time again that i am ALWAYS on His mind etc ect ect ...

There are SO MANY ways to express romance.

Most times, His romantic ways are not expressed through material offerings of roses, candy and jewels ... most times they are not at all materialistic in nature. Those are the offerings i value the most.

And when His expressions ARE expressed by material means He knows how to do it QUITE well:
There's something wonderful to be found in receiving a dozen or so roses (yes, complete with thorns! --when possible) ....
....... when it's NOT my birthday, nor anniversary or any other typical celebratory occasion
........when they are not offered as an expression of an apology for some 'error' committed on His part,

.... but just because He felt some desire to let me know just how cherished and special i am to Him. To me, that is pure romance ... as true as it gets.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I've read through this thread again, and I'm relieved to see that my feelings that the two don't have to be mutually exclusive aren't so far fetched. However, I'm also coming to realize that we all define romance a bit differently. I think the vanilla definition of romance is probably very different from a BDSM definition, and even within that, each relationship has its own definition. I believe the point of romance is respect and acknowledgement of your partner's feelings. Whatever you do to show that, then, would be romantic.

 

[Red Sonja]

I've read through this thread again, and I'm relieved to see that my feelings that the two don't have to be mutually exclusive aren't so far fetched. However, I'm also coming to realize that we all define romance a bit differently. I think the vanilla definition of romance is probably very different from a BDSM definition, and even within that, each relationship has its own definition. I believe the point of romance is respect and acknowledgement of your partner's feelings. Whatever you do to show that, then, would be romantic.

Ummm... does that mean that there are as many different "flavors" of romance as there couples? I hope so. I know that I am quirky as hell, and so is Dh.

Romance is in the eye of the receiver and giver.

 

[CutieMouse]

I missed a few posts somehow when reading the thread earlier. (Geek moment- I'm all Pollyanna glad this turned into a good discussion <laughing>)

I was talking with someone about like versus not like in terms of Love and BDSM the other night... There are things that as soon as I find out about them I go "Oh my goodness I want THAT!" and there are things that make me take a deep breath and swallow real hard and say "I will because I Love you."

It was pointed out to me that there are a million and one ways to make Life hard for someone you Love... to cherish them enough to create opportunity to prove their passion and depth of devotion; to invite situations in everyday Life that remind them they are owned heart, soul and body... it's that attention to detail and opportunity for us each to express Love that touches me in the deepest corners of my heart; fusing the pain and struggle with romance to the extent I don't believe I could ever do this [BDSM] without Romantic Love.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Ummm... does that mean that there are as many different "flavors" of romance as there couples? I hope so. I know that I am quirky as hell, and so is Dh.

Romance is in the eye of the receiver and giver.

I think that's EXACTLY what I mean. And I know that I couldn't have any kind of relationship without what I consider to be romance.

 

[LunarKitten]

(is the sky falling? Cutie just started a thread... )

Something that has been on my mind for a while has been the concept of romance within the contex of a BDSM/DS relationship. There are times when it seems (to *me*) so much focus in the community is devoted to kinky sex that the romantic/emotional exchange/soul engulfing Love that expresses itself through BDSM ends up a bit lost in the shuffle.

I'm not sure I have my own thoughts collected well enough to be a great contributor to the conversation, but I would like to hear other's thoughts on the aspects of romance in a BDSM relationship if y'all would care to chat.

I think it's possible Of course, Master and I are coming up on our first wedding anniversary next month

 

[kara_CM]

HMMMMMMMM, trying to think how to word this? The more submissive i am to my Master, the more He seems to give of Himself to me. To let go a little bit more. To let His guard down a little bit more. The more He does this the more romantic He is towards me.

my submission is a true gift to Him because i don't have to be submissive, it is my nature to be submissive but i have been single 38 years of my life, i have learned how to take care of myself, albeit not real good but i can do it. i prefer to have someone stronger right there by me, helping me to become a better person.

i guess what i'm trying to say is the gift of my submission is the cornerstone or basis of the romance i have with my Master.

i hope i made some sense.

 

[FurryFury]

HMMMMMMMM, trying to think how to word this? The more submissive i am to my Master, the more He seems to give of Himself to me. To let go a little bit more. To let His guard down a little bit more. The more He does this the more romantic He is towards me.

my submission is a true gift to Him because i don't have to be submissive, it is my nature to be submissive but i have been single 38 years of my life, i have learned how to take care of myself, albeit not real good but i can do it. i prefer to have someone stronger right there by me, helping me to become a better person.

i guess what i'm trying to say is the gift of my submission is the cornerstone or basis of the romance i have with my Master.

i hope i made some sense.

Makes perfect sense to me!

I'm glad you have someone that you are happy talking with.

*hugs*

Fury