Romance, wooing, and the world of dating

[sophia jane]

As most of you know, I'm dating again. The whole business of dating is an interesting thing (as well as scary and more than a little frustrating), but a recent thought occurred to me and I thought it would make an interesting thread.

The thought: in planning the last two dates (of three) with the person I'm seeing, I suggested staying in to hang out. I had my reasons and I'm still totally in agreement with myself for the suggestions. But- it occurred to me that in picking such a low-maintenance date (and in being so late-maintenance myself), I may have established a pattern. As in, I may have missed my chance for that romantic/wooing stage at the beginning of dating. And in missing that stage, I wonder if you ever get it back? I wonder if there are certain people that just don't give off a wooable vibe?

So, what I'm wondering is- if you start out casually and laid back, is the romance possible later? Is romance necessary? Are some people just inherently non-romantic? Is wooing unnecessary if the people involved are mutually attracted to one another? Thoughts?

(in writing this, it occurs to me that I've never had a relationship that started out with the wooing and I've never had one that had much in the way of romance later on. Curious.)

 

[NoJo]

My (limited) experience: If you feel immediately "comfortable" with someone, it's a very good sign. The next test is sex. That usually makes thing pretty obvious one way or the other.

 

[impressive]

Nice topic, SJ.

So, what I'm wondering is- if you start out casually and laid back, is the romance possible later?

Absolutely.

Is romance necessary?

I believe it is.

Are some people just inherently non-romantic?

*sigh* Unfortunately.

Is wooing unnecessary if the people involved are mutually attracted to one another?

I don't believe so. I think romance/wooing is an important part of affirming (and re-affirming) any relationship.

Thoughts?

I don't understand why being low-maintenance equates to being non-romantic. There are LOTS of things you can do while just hanging out that are exceptionally romantic. Romance doesn't require wining & dining or big cash outlays. Romance, in my opinion, is all about attention.

 

[NoJo]

Imp, I've seen you from the front, and from the back. Why don't show yourself from the side, and then I can make my 3d model of you

 

[neonlyte]

< --- >
So, what I'm wondering is- if you start out casually and laid back, is the romance possible later? Is romance necessary? Are some people just inherently non-romantic? Is wooing unnecessary if the people involved are mutually attracted to one another? Thoughts?

(in writing this, it occurs to me that I've never had a relationship that started out with the wooing and I've never had one that had much in the way of romance later on. Curious.)

Comfort with another person is something you can naturally fall into with the right person. That doesn't excuse him/her from 'romancing'. Make it known, without demanding, that you require romancing. And make sure the appropriate reward is given to match effort. It cuts both ways, one shouldn't expect compliments if no effort has been made, and a quiet supper at home, candles and spring flowers will work out even better if he's brought the flowers and the wine.

Without wanting to make men sound like dumb animals, we can be taught the necessary, it just requires encouragement and reward, we're a bit like dogs... without the floppy ears.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Romance is as necessary as breathing in developing and sustaining a relationship.

 

[sophia jane]

I don't understand why being low-maintenance equates to being non-romantic. There are LOTS of things you can do while just hanging out that are exceptionally romantic. Romance doesn't require wining & dining or big cash outlays. Romance, in my opinion, is all about attention.

I absolutely agree with this, and I want to clarify what I mean. I definitely am not talking about wining and dining when I refer to romance. I'm not interested in superficial crap like that. It is, I think, about attention and about thoughtfulness.
That said- I guess I have to ask, how do we define romance? How do we define wooing, in a non-spendy, superficial way?

 

[NoJo]

I absolutely agree with this, and I want to clarify what I mean. I definitely am not talking about wining and dining when I refer to romance. I'm not interested in superficial crap like that. It is, I think, about attention and about thoughtfulness.
That said- I guess I have to ask, how do we define romance? How do we define wooing, in a non-spendy, superficial way?

Romance for me is pleasant surprises.

Wining and Dining is great, and it's not about alcohol or calorie consumption: It's about CONVERSATION, the most romantic human activity possible.

 

[rachlou]

Romance - for me - is being absolutely anywhere with that person and having their undivided attention. It's holding hands or snuggling up close, while not necessarily feeling the need to talk. Just a sense of not wanting to be anyplace else.

Maybe I'm talking about intimacy here. Maybe not. Romance is what you make of it I guess.

Good luck with the dating experience. It can be fun - it can be NOT fun. However, one thing it never is - is BORING!!

 

[impressive]

I'm seeing a theme here. Romance = attention.

 

[The_Fool]

I'm feeling a bit ornery.



Romance is the shared activity in which one attempts to convince a partner that they are IT. Not only are they IT, but they are the center of the universe at that given time, place and space continuum.

 

[NoJo]

I'm feeling a bit ornery.



Romance is the shared activity in which one attempts to convince a partner that they are IT. Not only are they IT, but they are the center of the universe at that given time, place and space continuum.

I've I were a heterosexual woman or a gay man, you'd sweep me off my feet.

 

[impressive]

I'm feeling a bit ornery.



Romance is the shared activity in which one attempts to convince a partner that they are IT. Not only are they IT, but they are the center of the universe at that given time, place and space continuum.

What's ornery about that?

 

[The_Fool]

I'm seeing a theme here. Romance = attention.

as an example


Darling I don't know how I even breathe without you. The thought of you having a world in which I play no part leaves me dissolute. Can't you even offer me a crumb of your attention. Your smile so lightens my life, your care leaves me floating for days. You mean so much to me.

 

[Guest]

(in writing this, it occurs to me that I've never had a relationship that started out with the wooing and I've never had one that had much in the way of romance later on. Curious.)

Wooing is nice. It feels good. You've earned some wooing so hopefully the man you're seeing realizes it too and gives you some.

 

[The_Fool]

I've I were a heterosexual woman or a gay man, you'd sweep me off my feet.

Can we settle for sharing drinks, strong handshakes and off-color jokes?

 

[rachlou]

I'm seeing a theme here. Romance = attention.

I think that's correct. I defy anyone to claim they spent a romantic evening with their other half, when that person spent the whole time sending/receiving emails from work!

You can't romance someone when your attention is elsewhere - either on work, or eyeing up the floosie at the next table.

 

[rgraham666]

as an example


Darling I don't know how I even breathe without you. The thought of you having a world in which I play no part leaves me dissolute. Can't you even offer me a crumb of your attention. Your smile so lightens my life, your care leaves me floating for days. You mean so much to me.

Now see? If a woman said that to me I'd be gone in a flash. Wayyyy over the top and such a thing would make me very uncomfortable.

 

[Guest]

P.S. Men need some wooing too, it makes it worth it when we return it.

 

[sophia jane]

Romance - for me - is being absolutely anywhere with that person and having their undivided attention. It's holding hands or snuggling up close, while not necessarily feeling the need to talk. Just a sense of not wanting to be anyplace else.

Maybe I'm talking about intimacy here. Maybe not. Romance is what you make of it I guess.

Good luck with the dating experience. It can be fun - it can be NOT fun. However, one thing it never is - is BORING!!

To me, this does seem more like a description of intimacy, which is, of course, romantic. That's an interesting connection.

Wooing is nice. It feels good. You've earned some wooing so hopefully the man you're seeing realizes it too and gives you some.

Wanna come to Milwaukee and woo me?

 

[NoJo]

Romance = attention.

Extraordinary seducers have an ability to focus intensely. They listen (or appear to listen). But I think all that stuff is flirt games, and largely irrelevant for a good long sexual relationship.

The key elements of romance are:

Sharing (food, taste in music, or even household chores)
Laughter (can't have romance without it)
Passion (intensity of emotion)

 

[NoJo]

Can we settle for sharing drinks, strong handshakes and off-color jokes?

What, no pissing contests?

 

[Guest]

Wanna come to Milwaukee and woo me?

I'd woo you into a coma.

 

[sophia jane]

I'd woo you into a coma.

I'd woo you back, so we'd end up in a coma together.

 

[Belegon]

I think that's correct. I defy anyone to claim they spent a romantic evening with their other half, when that person spent the whole time sending/receiving emails from work!

You can't romance someone when your attention is elsewhere - either on work, or eyeing up the floosie at the next table.

I agree with this, but I think that saying "romance=attention" is oversimplification.

I guarantee you that I can pay attention to you for an hour (or more) in a manner that is not romantic.

The trappings are important. Setting, language, etc.

The balcony scene from Romeo & Juliet is romantic in a quiet garden in Verona, with him looking up too her, with the danger of being discovered and the distant sounds of a party ending.

On a NYC street corner, with him standing on a manhole ladder at 1 p.m. on a Thursday covered in sewage and a mounted member of NY's Finest saying, "Look lady, I don't care how sweet he is, move your ass out of the middle of the street" it just kinda loses something.

Which is not to say you couldn't HAVE a romantic moment on that street corner...

but I think it is more complicated...