Role Models for Healthy Hetero Slavery

[eastern sun]

One of the hardest things to find is a healthy role model for hetero-sexual slavery.

I believe the healthiest M/s models I've found are in the Leather community, but as a Leather friend of mine pointed out - "Leather is mostly gay." And Leather is also about being 'out.' "If you're not comfortable being at semi-public events, like the Pride parade, then you are not quite ready (to be part of the community)."

Ok. So I've been attracted to the Leather scene since I was a teenager in San Francisco in 1978. But it was almost exclusively gay then - at least in its public face, and I started to look for some version of it that I could be part of. In my early 20's, I almost married a biker because it was the closest I thought I could get to the heart of what I was looking for. (But we drank too much to be happy together.)

My romance led me to work in prisons through the 80's, where I kept moving further and further away from the heart of what I was seeking. I found hetero dominants, but they were all without structure - without discipline, without guidance, without "a program." My husband and I made it up as we went along, and we both have the scars to prove it.

Ok, now I'm a 50+ year old woman, with teenagers and a job working around children, who can't fathom outing myself as a slave, even though I have wanted to . . . sometimes desperately. I can flirt around the edges of the Leather community, but I still don't feel like I would belong.

Where is the healthy hetero scene? How can the wisdom and experience of the Leather Community be effectively transferred to a hetero M/s community? Or, has it been, and I'm just not public enough to find it?

 

[KoPilot]

I would like to know as well even though we're not M/s, honestly. (Though I've got some pretty nasty M/s fantasies that border on snuff.)

That suffering thread, as I guessed, really was an aha moment for S, and now for the first time he's hungry for more information that was written for him and not me. He expressed interest in seeing what tumblr had to offer on the subject, and what I found was... either really creepy or really superficial.

So I'll say it right now: hetero D/s and hetero M/s gives me the creeps. It is reasons #1-10 why I lost all interest in any RL community, it's why I stopped going to fetlife, it's why I don't even like looking for erotica or porny stills anymore.

So I'm interested in what this thread could turn into (and I hope it turns into something :V).

 

[Stella_Omega]

I am happy to say that there are many hetero leather folk. Robert Rubel is an educator, you can get in touch with him.
Threshold Los Angeles fosters leather creed amongst the pan community, and the chairman who is stepping down this year, is a titleholder, along with her master.
One of our posters, Wicked_Geoff (is that his handle?) identifies as leather.
Join fetlife.com, and do a search for het leather groups-- there should be a number of them

 

[nh23]

I am happy to say that there are many hetero leather folk. Robert Rubel is an educator, you can get in touch with him.
Threshold Los Angeles fosters leather creed amongst the pan community, and the chairman who is stepping down this year, is a titleholder, along with her master.
One of our posters, Wicked_Geoff (is that his handle?) identifies as leather.
Join fetlife.com, and do a search for het leather groups-- there should be a number of them

Evil Geoff

 

[eastern sun]

I am happy to say that there are many hetero leather folk. Robert Rubel is an educator, you can get in touch with him.
Threshold Los Angeles fosters leather creed amongst the pan community, and the chairman who is stepping down this year, is a titleholder, along with her master.
One of our posters, Wicked_Geoff (is that his handle?) identifies as leather.
Join fetlife.com, and do a search for het leather groups-- there should be a number of them

Yes, I've missed Evil Geoff, and his presence on this forum.

I have been speaking to hetero Leather folk. It was the issue of being "out" that has made it seem like a challenge.

What do you think, Stella? Is it possible to be part of the Leather community and stay closeted?

edited to add: Thanks for the link to Robert Rubel. It is a great resource. If you look at his list of presentations, though - not a single one took place in NYC. Why is that, I wonder?

 

[desertslave]

There's The Eulenspiegel Society in NYC. I attended some functions years and years ago (early 80s) and they were mostly very nice folks.

http://www.tes.org/

 

[eastern sun]

There's The Eulenspiegel Society in NYC. I attended some functions years and years ago (early 80s) and they were mostly very nice folks.

http://www.tes.org/

Yeah, I'm on their mailing list - but haven't made it to their meetings because I got creeped out at one of the Paddles parties. I wish sometimes that I lived in the SF Bay Area, or other "smaller" city. The NYC scene has changed significantly in the last 20 years (at least from my perspective - and that could just be because I'm older and seeing it through a different lens). I'd be interested if others feel the same way.

TES's annual fest is coming up in a month (http://www.tesfest.org/). It would be a good chance to reach out to a larger group. I think I'd be more likely to find other members of my tribe in a bigger gathering. But I'm not going to be in town.

Is anyone planning on going?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Being out takes courage, no doubt about it-- but it's a male privilege kind of courage, IMO. I know a lot of leather women who do not out themselves to the general public. If you have children, you are dependent on the village that helps you raise your kids-- for instance. It's okay to be brave for yourself, not okay to imperil your family.

I would guess that Bob not getting to the East Coast is a matter of finances...

You can find Evil Geoff on fetlife, he's very active there

 

[LWulf]

Yeah, I'm on their mailing list - but haven't made it to their meetings because I got creeped out at one of the Paddles parties. I wish sometimes that I lived in the SF Bay Area, or other "smaller" city. The NYC scene has changed significantly in the last 20 years (at least from my perspective - and that could just be because I'm older and seeing it through a different lens). I'd be interested if others feel the same way.

TES's annual fest is coming up in a month (http://www.tesfest.org/). It would be a good chance to reach out to a larger group. I think I'd be more likely to find other members of my tribe in a bigger gathering. But I'm not going to be in town.

Is anyone planning on going?

I never attended TES, but did go to Paddles a couple times later in life (in the late 1990's). Like all things in NY, it seems to be of the concept that to be anything, you have to dress to impress and that means heavy leather accouterments (in BDSM scenes that is). While I like leather, I hate being a conformist.
Paddles seemed to have nice people there, generally speaking,
But it was a sausage-fest and caters more to couples than singles. I'd be scared to go there as a single female, unless you like getting hit on by every guy who see's you. I never attended the brunch they have before the club opens, maybe that was my problem (I don't eat out or if I do, I am VERY picky).
Not that a dress code is strictly enforced, but people who are dressed accordingly tend to look down their noses at you unless you are likewise dressed.
Been to a couple of places out on the island, but they have since closed up and were smaller versions of Paddles.

I've been more to house parties in Pa. I never heard of a club in that area...
I never got to attend any clubs in LA (or SF) though I did attend a few shadowlane parties.
Florida likewise doesn't have Clubs, but has a few org's which means house parties.

Scattered other places in Georgia, Louisiana, etc that I've gone to, but aside from Florida Moonshine, I've rarely felt welcomed. FM also doesn't have any dress code except just generally "clean". However, they seem to like to make up their own laws (legally speaking not "code of conduct" stuff) so I don't recommend that.

Every place I've been to is very cliquish to varying degrees.
In Summation:
Large places = very lost in a crowd.
Small get togethers = more friendly but they make up their own rules. (example is "safe, sane and sober" That rule usually goes flying out the door at house parties)

Hope that doesn't come across as too much doom and gloom.

 

[eastern sun]

You can find Evil Geoff on fetlife, he's very active there

Thanks, I'll seek him out.

(I don't spend a lot of time over on fetlife for a very petty - but unfortunately significant - reason. . . I have a hard time working with the white text on black background. But I have made friends there, and appreciate the opportunity it offers to connect people with like minds.)

edited to add: No. I'm not being honest. It's more than that. Fetlife is littered with complicated emotional relationships that have come and gone over the years. I don't want to erase my dear friends from my feed, but I also have a hard time watching them play with others. It makes me start up with them again, which leads to further complications. . . .

Which leads me back to that quest for the guidance that can help me process this whole thing that we do.

 

[discoveringnew]

I'm not sure if this is relevant- I am really just learning as I go. I have never been to one but I have learned of 'munches.' They seem to be a sort of public and sort of club for BDSM. From what I know, you could find some experienced friends there who could have answers.

 

[Netzach]

Paddles can be great Paddles can be skeevy. It's all just serendipitous, and the only way to win in this scene is to keep showing up. I know that can get discouraging, but it's how the quality connections happen.

Also, you'll be amazed at how the people you wind up having a lot in common with can be people you have nothing at all in common with on paper, so don't feel too irrelevant if you're in a room with only gay dudes at some point. It's temporary, and you'll sometimes look around and think "holy shit, all these guys are really good friends."

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

Yeah, I'm on their mailing list - but haven't made it to their meetings because I got creeped out at one of the Paddles parties. I wish sometimes that I lived in the SF Bay Area, or other "smaller" city. The NYC scene has changed significantly in the last 20 years (at least from my perspective - and that could just be because I'm older and seeing it through a different lens). I'd be interested if others feel the same way.

TES's annual fest is coming up in a month (http://www.tesfest.org/). It would be a good chance to reach out to a larger group. I think I'd be more likely to find other members of my tribe in a bigger gathering. But I'm not going to be in town.

Is anyone planning on going?

I used to go to TES events, but haven't in many years. It's a worthwhile organization and a fun, safe place to get educated and meet others sharing your inclinations.

I've also been to Paddles a number of times, but not in recent years. There used to be many more public S/M clubs in NYC, but rising rents and the upscaling of certain neighborhoods have forced them out, sadly.