Rip me to shreds!

[MelissaBaby]

Thanks. I agree about the hand business, but I'm always overtrying to make sure the image is clear.

I am often guilty of that as well. I have to tell myself they aren't actors, I'm not giving them stage directions.

 

[StillStunned]

It's been a while since I made much progress with writing sword & sorcery, but yesterday the muse decided to bless her devoted servant with her presence, or something like that. I've had an idea for a new story in the City of Scum. Sleazy conman seduces an innocent but gets caught up in more trouble than he expected.

Here's the opening:

She was the picture of a newcomer to the City, and a naïve one at that. Her soft green gown spoke of moderate wealth, and her soft features and hands spoke of a sheltered upbringing. Beneath a smooth brow, large brown eyes gazed wistfully across Gold Square, and the full red lips were set in a disappointed pout.

Alone at a table by the window of Prenicky’s Coffee House, a single cup before her, dark drink untouched, cold, forgotten. The midday sun made a half-hearted effort to gleam on her hair and stroke warm fingers across her cheeks. The people on the square – armed guards by the large buildings, citizens of substance crossing the stones on important business, apprentices and messengers scampering around the edges – might as well not have been there for all the attention she paid them.

On the seat beside her rested a fine travel cloak and pack of good leather. The boots on her feet had surely not walked more than half a dozen leagues. From the lack of mud and shit, she’d covered little more than the shortest distance from the riverside docks to get here.

Gneffen the Snake spied her like his namesake spotting its prey. And like his namesake he made a careful, camouflaged approach.

“Which of those buildings is the source of your unhappiness?” he asked. His voice was precisely modulated: sympathy, mild interest, even milder amusement, but most of all harmless friendliness. “The College or the Guildhouse?”

The woman looked up, eyes wide, glancing this way and that. Gneffen smiled back and gestured out across the square. “The two large buildings opposite. I can’t decide which one you’ve been staring at all this time.”

Here's the thing though. Usually for S&S I'd start wide and zoom in. Something like this (cut and pasted from the version above, so the paragraphs might not flow together as smoothly as they otherwise might):

Gold Square bustled with importance. Citizens of substance crossed its stones on their business, apprentices and messengers scampered around its edges. By the large buildings stood armed guards in the liveries of guilds, wealthy families, small temples and other institutions that felt the cost was justified by the riches within their walls.

Even the sun seemed unwilling to interrupt the weighty concerns of this hub of commerce and debate. Instead, it made a half-hearted effort to gleam on the hair of a woman sitting alone at a table by the window of Prenicky’s Coffe House. A single cup stood before her, dark drink untouched, cold, forgotten.

She was the picture of a newcomer to the City, and a naïve one at that. Her soft green gown spoke of moderate wealth, and her soft features and hands spoke of a sheltered upbringing. Beneath a smooth brow, large brown eyes gazed wistfully across Gold Square, and the full red lips were set in a disappointed pout.

On the seat beside her rested a fine travel cloak and pack of good leather. The boots on her feet had surely not walked more than half a dozen leagues. From the lack of mud and shit, she’d covered little more than the shortest distance from the riverside docks to get here.

Gneffen the Snake spied her like his namesake spotting its prey. And like his namesake he made a careful, camouflaged approach.

“Which of those buildings is the source of your unhappiness?” he asked. His voice was precisely modulated: sympathy, mild interest, even milder amusement, but most of all harmless friendliness. “The College or the Guildhouse?”

The woman looked up, eyes wide, glancing this way and that. Gneffen smiled back and gestured out across the square. “The two large buildings opposite. I can’t decide which one you’ve been staring at all this time.”

So, which appeals more?

 

[TheLobster]

Here's the opening:

• Fourth paragraph to introduce the narrator in; that's way too late. How about "She was the picture of a newcomer to the City, easily discerned by Gneffen's seasoned eye."?
• Soft gown and soft features, eh? That whole sentence need some more specific words. What fabric of the gown? How are hands unsullied exactly? What is "moderate wealth"? A merchant? A low-status noble?
• I wouldn't anthromorphize the sun like that. It just reads weird. Creepy even. Maybe that's the effect you're going for.
• The "people on the square" asks to be a separate paragraph, perhaps with some targeted repetition of syntax and a punchy short sentence at the end.
• Why is the cloak fine and the leather good? What are they made from?
• A little more detail on the boots. The observation about their state is good, though.
• I'd rather repeat the "snake" than "namesake". And I'd definitely drop "slither" in there.
• Is this how he should address her? Seems a bit too informal. I think his first question should show more deference but of course that depends on the exact details of the setting.

I do agree that starting wide would probably be better. Something about the coffee house first, how crowded it is, etc., and then focus on the woman. Not bad overall though.

 

[AG31]

• Fourth paragraph to introduce the narrator in; that's way too late. How about "She was the picture of a newcomer to the City, easily discerned by Gneffen's seasoned eye."?

This worked fine for me.

• Soft gown and soft features, eh? That whole sentence need some more specific words. What fabric of the gown? How are hands unsullied exactly? What is "moderate wealth"? A merchant? A low-status noble?

I like the understated quality of the narration. "Soft, soft" and the reader supplies their version of soft. Don't clutter it up with specifics.

• I wouldn't anthromorphize the sun like that. It just reads weird. Creepy even. Maybe that's the effect you're going for.

Eh. What you wrote doesn't bother me, but it doesn't particularly work for me. Well... maybe it is a touch creepy.

• The "people on the square" asks to be a separate paragraph, perhaps with some targeted repetition of syntax and a punchy short sentence at the end.

I disagree. Keeping it all in the same paragraph underscores the point that it is all about her perceptions, not about the people on the square.

• Why is the cloak fine and the leather good? What are they made from?

Same comment as I made above about "soft." I would find too much specific description of ancillary stuff a distraction.

• A little more detail on the boots. The observation about their state is good, though.

See above.

• I'd rather repeat the "snake" than "namesake". And I'd definitely drop "slither" in there.

I agree that this sentence is a little awkward.

• Is this how he should address her? Seems a bit too informal. I think his first question should show more deference but of course that depends on the exact details of the setting.

Think of a better opening line from Gneffen.

 

[VallesMarineris]

It's been a while since I made much progress with writing sword & sorcery, but yesterday the muse decided to bless her devoted servant with her presence, or something like that. I've had an idea for a new story in the City of Scum. Sleazy conman seduces an innocent but gets caught up in more trouble than he expected.

Here's the opening:


Here's the thing though. Usually for S&S I'd start wide and zoom in. Something like this (cut and pasted from the version above, so the paragraphs might not flow together as smoothly as they otherwise might):

So, which appeals more?

I find the first version much more appealing. The good guy in me wants to keep watching over her to make sure she doesn't come to harm, while the bad guy in me want to keep watching . . . for other reasons.

My only suggestion for improvement would be to have your narrator give a hint or two of his reasons for observing her, and why it's important to him to tell her story.