rip me apart! need feedback

[jeninflorida]

HI! OK, please tell me what you think about :

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=212928

thanks

Jen

 

[silverwhisper]

it's good. i think, as one commenter noted, that there's confusion at one point, but other than that and the periodic typo or word choice, it's fine, if you ask me. in fact, it's more than fine; it's pretty damned hot. :>

can i ask you to take a look at the one story i've submitted so far? there's a link in my profile, under home page.

ed

 

[HornyHenry]

Continuity problems

As one poster mentioned, this is a real problem, along with several grammar and spelling and sentence structure problems. They made it very hard to read, like:
You were lying on top of Steve, gringind his cock, etc, then climbed off GARY!

LAter, Gary was fucking you, then, he was about to fuck you?

It WAS a very hot story but could have been much better if your writing problems were cleaned up.
In short, you needed an editor for this. I have a feeling that you would not see all the errors yourself and need another pair of eyes to find and suggest corrections.

Keep writing, because the story was hot!