Rip Apart My Poem!

[arienette]

I'd definitely appreciate it, all you damned editors out there.

Originally posted in the Poets Forums

 

[oggbashan]

I think that the comment you already have from the poets forum is reasonable.

I would agree that it needs polishing and adjusting, not reducing.

There were two points that jarred with me:

1. The repetition of 'a little while'. I think the first use should be something different.

2. 'At most'. That seemed to be too detached from the rest at that point.

Otherwise? There was a depth in the poem that deserves some more effort to complete it.

Og

 

[Trinique_Fire]

I'd definitely appreciate it, all you damned editors out there.

Originally posted in the Poets Forums

Now, now, dear, have a drink and breathe. It'll be alright, you know....

 

[arienette]

Now, now, dear, have a drink and breathe. It'll be alright, you know....

YOU! FUCKING CALL ME. YOU HEAR ME? CALLLLL.

I miss you wayyyy too fucking much.

 

[arienette]

I think that the comment you already have from the poets forum is reasonable.

I would agree that it needs polishing and adjusting, not reducing.

There were two points that jarred with me:

1. The repetition of 'a little while'. I think the first use should be something different.

2. 'At most'. That seemed to be too detached from the rest at that point.

Otherwise? There was a depth in the poem that deserves some more effort to complete it.

Og

Thank you very much, Og. I appreciate it tons and tons!