Review this and tell me if I should continue.

ManWithoutPants

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This is the first quarter or so of a short story that came to my mind recently. I haven't had much ambition to finish it lately, so I figured I'd toss it out into the open and see if there was any interest in a finished version.
(A swinging story, btw)

Allow me to make an introduction. My name is Andrew, a 23-year old guy. I’d judge myself to be fairly good-looking, as would my long-time girlfriend, Rachel. I’m not the tallest man alive at 5’9”, but thanks to a dedication to exercise and martial arts, I’m in damn great shape and very flexible. Add to this a thick black hair, green eyes, and a fairly impressive cock at 7 ½” long and 6” in girth, and you’ve got the package that is me.

Rachel, also 23, has much more to boast about than I – standing 5’4”, with waist-length brown hair and deep blue eyes, she is a wonderful woman whose personality I cannot begin to describe, and who has a body crafted by the gods. Her firm, supple breasts are a 34C, and are a rather pleasing sight over her slim waist and flat, amazingly sexy stomach. Her ass is, in a word, astounding. She doesn’t often show off her body, often choosing to wear clothes that are not terribly revealing. However, when she does choose to wear a low-cut shirt, or one with a high midriff, the results are nothing short of astounding – not to mention cock-rising.

We decided one evening to visit Kathryn and Eliot, friends from college who we did not get to see often, despite our friendship of several years. They are both a year younger than us, but also very physically pleasing.

Eliot is a thin man, with less defined muscles than I have, but with the charisma to make up for being a bit of a lightweight. His blond hair is just shy of shoulder length, but somehow manages to stay away from the 1980s mullet-look.


Kathryn, as is the case with my Rachel, is a far finer physical specimen than her man. A 5’6” blonde, Kathryn carries the slightest bit of extra weight – but she carries it well. She has full, voluptuous 36C breasts that taunt me every time she wears a shirt that shows the slightest amount of cleavage, and an ass that neither I – nor Rachel, by a half-drunk admission after sex one hot summer night – can keep my eyes off.


The particular evening we went to Kathryn and Eliot’s apartment, the weather demanded that we dress light. As it was, I wore a pair of faded khaki shorts and an old t-shirt that fit me very well. Rachel had on a set of rather seductively short shorts as well as one of my favorite summer shirts – a low-cut top that accented her cleavage very nicely and showed some of her belly.

“I want to throw you on the couch and bury my face in your tits,” I said to her, grinning, as we got ready to leave. She returned the grin, but responded:

“We’re already gonna be late. It won’t do any good to add an additional half hour or so to that time – because I’d have to return the favor.”

I sighed, as if the thought of a blowjob from those talented lips had suppressed the thought (it had not – my cock was livelier than ever) and opened the door for her. On her way out, Rachel brushed my cock with her hand, grinning impishly as she did so. We got into the car and drover to Kathryn and Eliot’s, arriving just about on time. I pressed the buzzer a few times, repressing a shiver of pleasure as Rachel wrapped her arms around me and ran her fingers over my chest.
“Yeah, Kathryn here?” a voice responded.

“Kathryn, it’s Andrew and Rachel. Let us in, huh?”

The door buzzed and we made our way to their apartment. The door was open a crack, so we let ourselves in.

“Hi!” Kathryn said, greeting us at the door with a hug – and a tight tank top that fir her breasts perfectly, over a jean-skirt that had a slit up the front that ended daringly high. When she hugged me I felt my cock jump in reaction to the press of her breasts against my chest, and I could have sworn that her nipples were hard. I must have been mistaken though, because when my eyes flickered to her breasts after Kathryn pulled away, I could see the faint outline of her nipples, but she wasn’t nipping out. There may have been something to it, or perhaps Kathryn felt my cock jump, because I saw a decidedly roguish gleam in her eyes when she pulled back.

Eliot was dressed much the same as I – shorts and a t-shirt. We men aren’t too creative when it comes to hot weather.

“Hey guys,” he said, and motioned to the open space on the couch across from his. “Take a seat.”

As Kathryn made her way back to her seat, I couldn’t help but watch her ass – so damn nice, the way it moved under the denim.



....and that's it for now. I had about four more paragraphs, but lost them when power cut out recently. :\
 
Yeah, it could be good with some modifications.....

First of all, five out of the first 6 paragraphs are classic porn writing mistakes. Let the dimensions and descriptions come out in the story. It's nice from an imaging point to know what we're supposed to be seeing all in advance, but from a reading point, it's jarring.

I like it other than that....just blend in the descriptions a little better and it'll be good!
 
I havent got time right now to read it, but I wanted to say I think your lit name is cool.
 
The_Darkness said:
Yeah, it could be good with some modifications.....

First of all, five out of the first 6 paragraphs are classic porn writing mistakes. Let the dimensions and descriptions come out in the story. It's nice from an imaging point to know what we're supposed to be seeing all in advance, but from a reading point, it's jarring.

I like it other than that....just blend in the descriptions a little better and it'll be good!
i'm no expert by a looooooooong way, but i agree with the above comment about sizes etc. I've had feedback about that in the past and the overwhelming feeling was NOT to be too specific in that sort of detail. Of course one or two have also commented that I could've used more detail, LOL, you can never plaese 'em all.
I hope the story works out for you. Keep it going, it's fun! :cool:
 
Fair enough criticism from all points.

I'm a writer (at least, I have a fair bit of skill with the english language), but have never written anything in the "erotic story" line. It's good to see where I've gone wrong before I delve any deeper without knowing that. heh. Thanks.

Oh, and Sub Joe, The Darkness: Thanks for the name comments.
 
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