Review Shadow_Kyss here

[Shadow_Kyss]

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=541222&page=submissions


Ok... here goes. I am open to reviews of my work and i like honest answers. I know not everyone will like what i write, I understand that. But if I am only told it sucks or its barely readable, that is vague and gets nothing accomplished except sounding like an attack. So to clear things up I have started this forum to not only continue to write but see where I can improve.

Please take time to vote on my stories, and if they really need work, come here and mention which story and what its weak points were. Editing... yes I know. I have to take a little more time for that but it has gotten better.

I have taken the time to not only write the stories but to take HONEST reviews. So please take the time and tell me what you liked, what you hated, where you saw a weak point....

 

[kbate]

Her Place Renewed
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Your opening is poor.
He places his foot on my ass as I am trying to crawl away from him, and pushes me hard down where I am laying on my belly on the floor. The wooden floor cold on my naked body as tears stream down my face. He places his foot on my lower back letting me know not to move.

"Open your mouth you little slut. You think you can talk to me like that?" His voice surprisingly calm for the harsh words that stabbed into my heart.

Why not try:

A foot pressed into my back, pinning my naked body to the cold wooden floor, "Open your mouth, Slut! You think you can talk to me like that?" The voice calm despite the harsh message.

This in essence says the same with out repeating itself three times and without changing verb tenses.
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Watch your verb tenses, you jump back and forth in every sentence.

Consider dropping some of your adverbs, how is "feverishly shaking a head" better than just "shaking my head".

You say in one place "I can feel his eyes".. well, can she? Does she feel? Try "I feel his eyes....." make the action happen, not possible.

You have some capitalisation problems and other basic structural errors that should be corrected before submission.

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Content? I could not picture much of the action clearly. You use the word "as" about 70 times in the story and begin or start about 16 times. There must be other words for setting the pace and flow of the action.

I don't mind the bdsm/dominance theme and you did well by being consistent with the tying and untying, binding and unbinding. The story works well enough and could probably rate much higher.

I think you should run through a proof reader before submitting, if only to catch the basic problems.

 

[kbate]

Mystery Hands

I do not understand much of your writing.

She descended into the darkness that thumped. Ok, I know what she is doing, but not how darkness can thump.

"I paid the doorman the cover charge." again, I know what she did, but the writing is clumsy.

Later, she drives he fingers deeper <- the misspelled word "he" just stops the story cold for me. Ruins the sex completely.

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The good part.. I absolutely love your story idea and the whole sex in the dance. I would love to see a rewrite of this when your writing technique matures.

 

[Hotcappucino]

I read Dream or Nightmare. In my opinion, there are a lot of challenges with this story. I've just jotted down a few unorganized ideas.

The main problem, I feel, is that there is so little detail that it reads more like a rough draft rather than a full blown work. For example, there's the bit where the main character senses something amiss, and she "sees" something:
Seeing uncommon activity outside I duck below each window, crawling around.
I think it would have been better to describe exactly what the "uncommon activity" is so the reader has a better idea why she is so frantic to get her family out. Much of the story is the same way. I think if you take the time to flesh it out, you could have three or four times the amount of writing and make it a richer experience for your readers.

The wording is somewhat awkward at points:
The run off of this water filter into a channel that went through this portion of the house and connected to the outside pool...

Past & present tenses are mixed. For example, in the third paragraph, the first four sentences are in past tense, but the last three are in present tense. The next paragraph starts off present tense but then reverts back to past.

Spelling is okay but the punctuation & grammar are consistently off. There are quite a few sentence fragments. Take more time to get it right or find someone who will edit your stories if grammar & punctuation aren't your strong points.

Last suggestion would be to work on character development. I didn't get a good feel for what any of the characters were like, especially the main character. Because there were so few details about her in the opening, I just assumed that she was just an ordinary housewife, so it was hard to understand the motivation behind her staying behind while the husband attempted to escape with the kids. To me, it just didn't make sense with what I understood about her character (which wasn't a whole lot). Why would she stay behind? To set traps to slow down their attackers/pursuers? This just doesn't fit with how she's portrayed. Perhaps she was a former Army Ranger?

There's some good tips on character development in the Writers Resources section; I especially like How To Write A Character Biography. If you take the time to work on character development first, your characters will act and speak in a more realistic & consistent manner.

Keep writing & asking questions. Read other people's stories & try to analyze what you like and don't like about their writing.

 

[Shadow_Kyss]

Mystery Hands

Mystery Hands

I do not understand much of your writing.

She descended into the darkness that thumped. Ok, I know what she is doing, but not how darkness can thump.

"I paid the doorman the cover charge." again, I know what she did, but the writing is clumsy.

Later, she drives he fingers deeper <- the misspelled word "he" just stops the story cold for me. Ruins the sex completely.

--------------
The good part.. I absolutely love your story idea and the whole sex in the dance. I would love to see a rewrite of this when your writing technique matures.

Mystery Hands was written about a club I actually attended. It may not seem possible but the darkness seemed to have a life of its own. I have been doing small edits and revisions of all of my stories.

Thank you for taking time for your review. It is appreciated.

 

[Shadow_Kyss]

Dream or Nightmare

I read Dream or Nightmare. In my opinion, there are a lot of challenges with this story. I've just jotted down a few unorganized ideas.

This story has been due a rewrite for a long time. I honestly haven't had the heart to write because this was an actual dream. I wrote it as the chaos it was in my head. I will definately take better care of not only the reader but the characters in the re-write.

Thank you for your review... it helps.

 

[Shadow_Kyss]

Her Place Renewed

Her Place Renewed
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You have some capitalisation problems and other basic structural errors that should be corrected before submission.

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Depending on who the writer is you will see different styles in BDSM. Some use lower case i's to show that the person is submissive and capital I's mean its a Dominate. This is not only done in chatrooms but stories as well. Depending on who I write the story to also depends on whether or not I completely obey the capilization laws of English or BDSM. Most of my stories are either inspired or written for someone in particular. If I write a story for my Master or a Friend of His, and when refering to myself use a capital letter I then it sounds like I am full of myself and trying to make myself above my position, which would not be the case.

Thanks for the other suggestions and for taking the time to write a review.

These are helping.

 

[kbate]

Mystery Hands was written about a club I actually attended. It may not seem possible but the darkness seemed to have a life of its own. I have been doing small edits and revisions of all of my stories.

Thank you for taking time for your review. It is appreciated.

The line in bold is better description of the darkness than the one in the story.

 

[Shadow_Kyss]

here ya go

Be wary
02/10/06 By: Anonymous
Last week, this writter interupted a group of people offering comfort to someone whose mother had just died, to give, as she put it, 'more bad news' that she wasn't going to post her work here anymore. So don't get upset about some deep inner torment this writer might be suffering, it will only feed her fantasy that the world revolves around her.



you want mentioned... you want noticed fine. here ya go. each persons torments are different. i have yet to lose my mom but i handle death differently than most. i have also lost someone very recently that was close. it does not make my torment any better or worse than others. i just hope that what goes around does not come around so badly to you.

so here is your moment in the light, to take another shot at me. fine. so be it. i don't care any more. i do have people who like reading the stories i post and if you want to make a big deal out of degrading me... have fun.

and for the record... the world revolves around the sun... though my world revolves around my daughters.