Review Request - Reporting for Booty and more

[Naughtylit81]

I recently published my 7th story and third series on literotica, all in the interracial love category. I have built a nice little following that does reach out to ask for more which is a positive. Additionally, six of my seven stories have their 'H' with the only one that doesn't being my new one which has only been out for 24 hours and is sitting right on the cusp. That certainly gives me some indication I am doing something right.

What I am really looking for though is that constructive advice on how to improve. So I figure I would throw myself out there and see what I can do to be better.

Linked is my latest story which I hope is my most well written as I have learned from my editors but please feel free to look back at any of my work, links in signature, to comment on either directly or to compare and contrast with my latest to highlight areas that continue to need improvement or which have shown positive growth.

Reporting for Booty

ETA Series links

The Baddie Neighbor

The Sweetest Berry

 

[TheRedChamber]

As you say the story is doing very well and it's entirely possible that you don't need to change very much. In fact, any of the advice below could well just end up lowering your score. There's also the inherent danger of reviewing only the first part of a story where it's not clear where it's going yet. With that in mind...

One thing I thought was nicely done was the contrast between people staring at Lilly's chest and then her staring at Reinhart's cock.

That said, I struggled to get through this one a bit.

I think one issue was the military setting meant that the characters, especially Lilly, are limited in their behaviour in the first part of the story. She is, by nature of her role, both passive and without her true voice. This could have been off-set by some stronger inner narrative, but I felt that was missing. The result was I got to at least the end of the first page wanting to know more about Lilly. She's in the army but failing PT - why and what would it mean to her if she did fail. But she's neither worried nor cocky about it. We also don't get to know anything about her 'dating life'. She's very attractive, so presumably she has options open to her, but when she gets the horn for Reinhart, we don't really know what that means to her except that she's horny. It's hard to place her even on a linear virgin-slut sliding-scale let alone into any kind of realistic sexual desire. I was hoping that when she returned to the barracks and talks with Maggie we'd get more insight into the real her. But instead we get more talk about her tits and his cock and a recap of what we've already read.

That leads me on to another issue. This is 10.5k words and I felt like it dragged a little. Parts of it are slightly repetitive. We get the two cadets apologizing to her one after another. We get the Maggie discussion which tells us again stuff that's happened. Reinhart talks about two Ironman-style events he's taken part in at different times. Obviously, you're trying to play up his extreme physical manliness but I'd say either have one or else mention them both together. Both Maggie and Aunt K raise the possibility that Reinhart is gay (and indeed Lilly is consulting with two people where one could have done especially as they aren't pushing her in particularly different directions) You start two different sections by talking about street-lights which I guess is intentional, but the line is already a cliche so it just seems an unnecessary repetition.

There's a larger philosophical argument about what constitutes an Interracial story. You avoid a lot of the usual overblown and dubious tropes of the category, but the fact that you are not really focusing on race at all in the story, both in the plotline and in the way you describe the characters, makes me wonder if the story could go elsewhere (but again, good scores and it's only part one...) Honestly, I missed the reference to 'umber skin' in the first paragraph (my bad) but it took me a while to catch up and realize this was a Black Female White Male story rather than the other way around because you are underplaying the racial aspect to the point where the mature angle seems more important.

That brings us onto the sex. I liked the no panties set-up - it takes the lower-ranking person and gives them a chance to make the move. With that build up, I thought the sex was going to be great. Unfortunately, I was a bit disappointed. The issue is you've decided to make Reinhart inscrutable - yes, he goes for it, but we don't really get a proper, human reaction to the panty-gambit. Presumably he's going to open up in the subsequent parts, but here and now it was anticlimactic. The sex lasts 600 words (again of 10.5k) from kiss to collapsing next to him. That length can be okay, I think, and there is some good sexy writing there, but part of the problem I think is that they end up in a 69 where there's too much 6 (her blowing him) and not enough 9 (him eating her) but then you go onto focus on how amazing the 9 was. If you'd gone with her feeling wow, I can't believe I blew my instructor, the sex length might not have been a problem. As it was her orgasm seemed unearned.

The sex also suffers from the lack of character build up before. We're told it's the first white cock she's ever seen and we might reasonably ask how many black (or indeed Asian) cocks she's seen? Three? Three-hundred. Later we're told that she's "not a barracks bunny". That could have been useful to tease the reader with before - the conversation she has with the aunt and her panty-play suggest the opposite though.

I feel like I'm being fairly hard on this. You can definitely write and the scores are by no means unearned. That said, I felt I should be enjoying it more than I actually did and I've tried to capture why above. Please feel free to ignore any of it, but I hope that at least some of it is useful.

 

[Naughtylit81]

I feel like I'm being fairly hard on this. You can definitely write and the scores are by no means unearned. That said, I felt I should be enjoying it more than I actually did and I've tried to capture why above. Please feel free to ignore any of it, but I hope that at least some of it is useful.

This is exactly the kind if feedback I have been looking for. Thank you for taking the time to read and review my story.

If you have the time and might be so inclined I would be quite interested in your thoughts on my more developed story The Baddie Neighbor (TBN). As you mentioned with Reporting for Booty (RFB) it can be hard to review a story based on the first chapter alone. TBN is five chapters in so a more filled out story over all.

Either way thank you for the review and feedback. I will definately reread this as I start on RFB Ch 2 specifically and apply it with all my upcoming work.

 

[TheRedChamber]

If you have the time and might be so inclined I would be quite interested in your thoughts on my more developed story The Baddie Neighbor (TBN). As you mentioned with Reporting for Booty (RFB) it can be hard to review a story based on the first chapter alone. TBN is five chapters in so a more filled out story over all.

I can't promise that I'll have time enough to do as thorough review, but I'll take a look when I can.