Reverse evolution: From Pervert to Prude?

[Beam_of_lite]

Oh Lovey lovey..my heart breaks for you for I have walked so many many miles in your shoes.It took me 5 and half years and a half a lake full of tears to end my marriage because of a situation like this...some of our conversations went like this "oh honey I really need you to touch me..his reply "I need to clean the gutters"..."You haven't touched me in weeks"...his reply "I get your point..fine..I'll do you once a week like I mow the grass"....."come here I need to suck on you..his reply "I'll be back in an hour I'm going to the coffeeshop".......

Was it like this before we got married? Hell no..no one in there right mind would marry a man like that...but it changed the day I said "I do".....I know the old saying is woman say "I do" and then they don't but now I know that goes for men too.I have oftened wondered what happened to the man I fell in love with..what made him change...thousands of conversations later and I still have no answer.

For so long I thought it was me..his kind of attitude ruins your self-esteem and you ego and causes major depression and anxiety and anger.Save yourself lovey..get some counseling with or without him.PM me if you need to talk I do understand..

When all was said and done..he still said he loved me and I believe him...he loved me...but now the whole me..just parts of me

I will hold you in my thoughts

 

[Shadow Thief]

For so long I thought it was me..his kind of attitude ruins your self-esteem and you ego and causes major depression and anxiety and anger.

Don't I know it....

It's bad enough when I get pushed away time and again. What's worse is the hurtful comments that sometimes go along with the rejection, like "Let's get this over with", or more recently, "My work is never done." I guess since I'm a man, it's not supposed to hurt, but it does. I tried to tell her about my concerns, but nothing ever changes. I ended up doing something that a lot of people would consider wrong, but what the fuck was I supposed to do? It's not easy to resist when your s/o isn't interested, and there's someone right in front of you who is both interested and attractive. Especially when you've gone through your whole life not feeling like you were attractive.

I'm not supposed to bug her for it, but I'm not supposed to get it anywhere else either. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? There are only so many times you can "take matters into your own hands", so to speak. It will get you by for awhile, but sooner or later, you need the real thing.

Sorry for the rant, I just got turned down yet once again. I am just so depressed, angry, hurt, resentful, frustrated.... you name it. Guess I'll make another date with my hand and go to bed. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll wake up somewhere else.

 

[Beam_of_lite]

There are only so many times you can "take matters into your own hands", so to speak. It will get you by for awhile, but sooner or later, you need the real thing

LOL...sorry i don't mean to laugh...cause I do understand..after a while my body used to say"oh hell it's her again when are we going to get the real thing?" Many many a night i laid naked next to him..wanting,needing...sometimes crying caused he turned me down again...usually i would get up after he fell asleep and pleasure myself in the bathroom

 

[kiwichyck]

I'm certainly no expert but it sounds to me like he was always a prude, he just talked up his fantasies. He obviously wants to keep them as just fantasies. Dishonest - but not a hanging offense.

You sound like you have tried almost everything but have you told him clearly and in detail exactly how you feel about this? Marriage is about compromise, but if he continues to do nothing to contribute to your sexual needs and continues to make you feel bad about your desires then I think you need to seriously consider where this relationship is heading. If he truly loves you and cares about your happiness then I would expect him to at least try. Even if it is only on the mild end of the scale. He may not be happy with spanking you or calling you a dirty girl or whatever, but I wouldn't say that tying you up loosely with silk scarves would even qualify as kinky.

He at least owes you some honesty. Either "baby I'm willing to do a few new things within limits" or "sorry, I'm just not into that"

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

I'm just putting this out there for feedback....

When I first met my SO he was much more likely to be very sexually adventurous, telling me at the time that he never thought he would find a girl as perverted as he was. We would talk about things we would like to do try together; anal, bondage, food play, spanking, public sex, threesomes, ect. These were all things that we could never get other partners interested in and we both were very excited about the prospect of getting to finally try them out.

We took our time discussing and sharing our ideas on the subjects, turning each other on immensly in the process and making sure that we both understood one anothers desires. We also decided that it wouldn't be up to one or the other of us to instigate these activities, and with everything seeming perfectly and equally wanted by us both, I waited in eager antisipation to what his first move would be, while plotting out my own.

First, it's been 5 years and never once has my SO asked things from me or accepted my offers to try anything kinky or taboo. I've tried to seduce him into such things, and he comes back at me like I'm a huge pervert and acts like things that he seemed so ready to go with years before, are now too weird or worse he just flat out refuses to even consider. It's like he's de-evolving from a fun pervert to a prude. Right now his idea of exciting sex is to do the same thing we always do...just in a different location from time to time,(maybe the couch, maybe the bed.....).

One of the things that really attracted me to him in the first place was that I was so happy that I finally found someone I was sexually compatable with, unlike my former boyfriend who seem to find sex dirty and embarrassing. I respect my SO boundaries, but am very saddened that I now feel like I can't share my desires with him or open up completely sexually with the one person that I want to do that with.

So what I'm curious about is how many of you out there have experienced this sort of thing as well? Were you the one that changed or was it your partner? What do you think brought on these changes in yours or their desires? If you came back from being a prude to pervert, how do you feel that it came about? If you are still in the pervert to prude stage, how do you cope with it? Is there any advice anyone can give me? I don't want to cheat, but sometimes I think about it too much for my own comfort.

Perhaps he likes all the talk but is worried about your want to go further than talk. It's a great turn on to say what you will do but the doing it even for a guy can be scary. Maybe it's making him feel like he isn't enough....or he is worried that he will lose you to someone else?

 

[SweetErika]

I have little faith in compromise as the basis for a happy marriage. As it stands, you are unhappy but your partner is quite happy with his standards ruling the roost. A compromise of any kind just makes both partners not quite happy, eternally unable to be themselves.

I've never heard anyone put it this way, i_s. We all hear and tout compromise as a critical part of good relationships, so "too much compromise" seems contradictory. But you're absolutely right: compromise can't be THE foundation...it's more the top tier on a big, solid base of commonalities. For me, sexuality MUST be one of the things we agree on because it's too important to me not to. I'm happy to compromise on the lesser aspects of it, but our philosophies and fundamental desires have to be very close for a relationship to thrive.

Good food for thought!

 

[incubus'_sub]

Thank you, Sweet Erica. My lessons were learned the hard way. Compromise for the little things like housework will work. They are not that important. However, your sexuality is part of YOU & it's a lot harder to change, even if you wanted to.

Compromise is often suggested as a solution, but it's usually suggested by the partner with less extreme turnons & means that they will not have to make any changes themselves other than perhaps not voicing their outrage. Big Deal !

Hydraulic Thrust, I'm sorry, but I feel you are very naive & perhaps a few good talks with your wife would be in order. Ummm, no, the things that turn us on will always turn us on, as long as they're done in the proper way and they don't disappear because our sex lives are OK. As an example, my husband knew I was turned on by BDSM and used to toy with that from time to time. Unfortunately he had no knowledge and seemed to think it worked both ways. Even though he truly knew I was turned on by being submissive (hell, that's how he got me in the 1st place) he would still present ME with the whip & restraints to be used on him. He thought (did he ever really think?) that this was playing the game, but instead it was a huge turnoff. I am not dominant at all. I really, really hate & am turned off in the extreme, by submissiveness in a man in any way and for God's sake, didn't he know me AT ALL?

 

[HandFan]

usually i would get up after he fell asleep and pleasure myself in the bathroom

I've got one worse for you...I'll give myself a helping hand right in the bed next to him when he's asleep! He use to tell me to wake him up if he falls asleep and I come to bed horny, and that he'd take care of me...but when I did, all I got was some grumbling and back to snoring.

I have some hope...we're going to schedule a counselling session in the next few weeks, which just says that maybe he's taking me seriously for a change. Thank you all for your advice and support...and may I extend a hand of support to those who like me suffer without the lovin' we deserve!

 

[mrdward]

Here's what I say

Dump him. And I'm not a big fan of counseling, because it's got a lousy track record from all that I've seen.

My prediction is that he'll become even more straight laced as time goes on. Meanwhile your frustration will only grow.

If you are not up to leaving him...then at least get some on the side.

I'm a guy, and I'm truly sick of selfish men who don't want to take care of their women.

 

[Eilan]

Dump him. And I'm not a big fan of counseling, because it's got a lousy track record from all that I've seen.

I'm of the opinion that, while there are always exceptional cases, counseling's like just about anything else--you'll get out of it what you put into it.

Best of luck, HandFan.

 

[SweetErika]

Dump him. And I'm not a big fan of counseling, because it's got a lousy track record from all that I've seen.

My prediction is that he'll become even more straight laced as time goes on. Meanwhile your frustration will only grow.

If you are not up to leaving him...then at least get some on the side.

I'm a guy, and I'm truly sick of selfish men who don't want to take care of their women.

Counseling likely won't solve the problem --his unwillingness to follow through on what he says/fulfill what she thought were shared fantasies-- but provided they're both willing to put in effort, it should help them communicate about this and sort through some of the issues. Sure, she could just dump him, but perhaps with a neutral party they can come to some kind of mutual agreement, whether that's him stepping up, her letting it go, to open the relationship, or split up. All of those are difficult to work through, and a counselor can provide support for them as individuals and as a couple, no matter what they decide.

Even if he's not willing to work something out, HandFan may really benefit from having someone to listen, give feedback, and help her through this. If, for instance, she decides she can't live with this for the rest of her life, a counselor can help her cope with the grief, stress, and formulate a plan for her wellbeing in the future.

Sometimes it works, others it doesn't, but it's definitely worth a try and usually far better than making life-changing decisions hastily or alone.

 

[mrdward]

Counseling likely won't solve the problem --his unwillingness to follow through on what he says/fulfill what she thought were shared fantasies-- but provided they're both willing to put in effort, it should help them communicate about this and sort through some of the issues. Sure, she could just dump him, but perhaps with a neutral party they can come to some kind of mutual agreement, whether that's him stepping up, her letting it go, to open the relationship, or split up. All of those are difficult to work through, and a counselor can provide support for them as individuals and as a couple, no matter what they decide.

Even if he's not willing to work something out, HandFan may really benefit from having someone to listen, give feedback, and help her through this. If, for instance, she decides she can't live with this for the rest of her life, a counselor can help her cope with the grief, stress, and formulate a plan for her wellbeing in the future.

Sometimes it works, others it doesn't, but it's definitely worth a try and usually far better than making life-changing decisions hastily or alone.

Wise words sweet erika, BUT, it seems to me that for counseling to even have a chance to work, the parties have to be completely honest with said counselor.

I just don't see this guy sitting down and saying to this counselor..."yeah, well ya see it's like this, my SO wants me to tie her up, and after I spank her good, then pound her up the ass". C'mon...that's not gonna happen.

Ergo, traditional counseling won't work, which in turn means that the relationship stays the same...or most likely deteriates. The latter being my guess.

 

[Shadow Thief]

I've got one worse for you...I'll give myself a helping hand right in the bed next to him when he's asleep!

I've done that quite a few times myself lately. If I ever tried to wake her up for sex, I don't think I'd be alive to be posting right now.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Shadow, may I ask why you stay in such an unsatisfactory relationship? You say you have talked to your wife but nothing changed. You have had an outside relationship too & I don't blame you one bit for that. Have you said straight out that you are not happy & unless things change you will leave, the ultimatum thing?

 

[Shadow Thief]

Shadow, may I ask why you stay in such an unsatisfactory relationship? You say you have talked to your wife but nothing changed. You have had an outside relationship too & I don't blame you one bit for that. Have you said straight out that you are not happy & unless things change you will leave, the ultimatum thing?

Other than the whole "sex" thing, we get along great. Or at least we did until I let her find out about my affair. Now she's suspicious of ever woman I come in contact with, like ever woman out there wants to fuck me (if only....)

The other part is, I still care about her. Anytime I think about leaving her, I picture her all alone and hurting, and I don't want that. I don't want to be unhappy, but I don't want her to be unhappy either. And I can't be happy knowing she's unhappy, and I can't be happy with her either. I guess I just can't win.

As far as ultimatums go, it's been my experience that they never work. Either the other person makes the choice that you didn't want, or they grudgingly do what you want, but remain forever resentful.

 

[Valcorie]

Just throwing this out here...

I can really sympathize with your situation. The more I read your posts the more I just want to toss this idea out there...

It seems like you are more experienced then he is at least with things on the kinky side. You know what you like and what you want. (which I think is wonderful) Your husband might be a little intimidated by that though...

You discribed him as getting really turned on by the idea of what you both fantasised about, when you first got together. But you never acted on those fantasies. Could he have gotted intimidated, self consious, worried you would be more experianced in the bedroom than him...?

I only ask because that is what kinda happened in my marrige.

-Valcorie

 

[incubus'_sub]

Thanks for your answer, Shadow. I agree with you about ultimatums & have never done that myself, just wondered if you had.

I prefer to take responsibility for my own happiness & for that reason sat my ex down, on numerous occasions, to explain my dissatisfaction with aspects of our relationship, without threats or anger. As in your case, mostly we got along well. I did this for a couple of years until I realised that he was quite comfortable with the way things were & had no interest in making an effort to even listen, let alone think about what I was saying to him. That's fine & was his choice to make. My choice was to leave.