Revenge

[Guest]

My newest story......."Revenge" just posted this morning. As its been a while for me, I'd appreciate any comments or feedback as to how well this story is received (or not).

I wanted to try something a little different with this. So your comments input on this would be greatly appreciated.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53535

To sleep.......perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I remain........

 

[Ray Dario]

Sandman,

That isn't a story, it's a fucking Novel!

I'll try to get you some feedback, but it's going to take me a while to read the whole thing.

Ray

 

[Ray Dario]

Okay Sandman you asked for it

Remember that this is just my opinion, okay.

It was a very good story. You had a well thought out plot, good characters and good erotic description.

However, you also spent most of the story telling me and not showing me. This was the biggest fault I found. Over and over again I wished that you had shown me how Julie felt, not told me. Over and over again I wished that you had shown me Marsha's feelings instead of telling me.

If you can make this one adjustment your story will spring to life and become awesome.

Another thing is telling the reader that someone did something in the past when it becomes convienient for them to have done it in the past. You did this with Julia telling Chris to say fuck. It would have been much better to have actually have shown the conversation between Julia and Chris and had her tell Chris to use the word "fuck" and then later have her use it and show the guy being shocked by it.

Other than that you have a very good story. I hope this helps. Remember that it is just my opinion.

Ray

 

[margo_x_x]

Started reading Revenge and had a heck of a time sticking with it. An ominous sign is the fact that I clicked on your name at the top to check what else you’ve written.

Wow, look at all the stuff he’s written! Let me just click on something at random.

Bowling Night

What a difference. It’s like you’re chatting with me. Sucked me right into the story. Let’s try another.

A night to remember

A story to remember. I was only going to read a little of it, but it kept dragging me on.

Revenge is a clunker. It’s not up to your usual standards.

If you enjoy writing, Revenge is a good subject to try an experiment with. Write it again. Don’t re-write it, start from scratch with a blank page.

You know what the story is, you know where it’s supposed to go, it should be easy to do it again.

I’m not being a smart-ass, there’s method to my madness.

A published author, the type that makes a good living by writing, tells a story about a disaster that befell her. Her computer crashed, and took a completed book with it. She swears that the re-written book far surpassed the original. She remembered all the good parts, and forgot the forgettable.

Revenge has a lot going for it, but I don’t think it can be fixed. It needs a fresh retelling in the conversational voice you use in your other stories.

 

[Guest]

Thank you!!

Thank you.....this is exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to experiment and try something a little different. Obviously it didn't work. But one never knows until one tries.

But I honestly appreciate the FEEDBACK on this.........

And as they say.........back to the drawing boards!

To sleep........perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I remain.........