Returning Newbie - Still seeking Answers

[spartacus2000]

I guess a part of me wishes I were more dominant...aren't guys suppose to be dominant? And when I read Literotica and other forums like this, there are many more women seeking to be dominated than there are women wishing to dominate.

But I have another problem which is far more serious. A total inability to be honest with my true feelings and present myself as a submissive male. In my current relationship I am unable to fully assume a submissive role. I am afraid that my mate would lose respect for me. I am also not sure if being sexually dominant would be a turn on for her. Since there are so few women that seem to enjoy this role what are the odds that she would be one of them?

So, my only outlet is fantasy, and perhaps the hope that some Dominant females out there would like to interact with me via email, webcam, or if in the area, an occasional meeting. Most dominant women I have approached in chat rooms want men that are unattached and that will be totally devoted to them. I could be submissive only to them, but I am comitted to my current relationship, fragile as it may be.

Isn't it possible to have your normal life and your fantasy life separate? Aren't there dominant women out there, who find themselves in normal relationships, but still burn with desire to dominate a man? Or are there dominant women that would be willing to help a man live out his fantasies without total commitment? Couldn't we help one another? I guess I am asking for too much.

Thanks for listening.....

 

[Daedalus77]

Let me sum up the answers you are about to get from the board-

This is a personal ad you put it in the wrong place.

Cheating on your SO is harmful to the trust of a relationship and will most likely doom it.

If your SO doesn't meet your needs do what you need to do to get them fulfilled.


edited to add-

Did I get it right?

 

[spartacus2000]

This is not a personal ad. Everytime I come into this fucking place I get the same bullshit answers!

I first went to "How To...." they told me to post here. Now you tell me to post on personals, but I am asking a question about the BDSM lifestyle.

I really believe that for the most part this forum is a waste of time. Please do not respond to this thread since I have put it in the wrong goddamn place. I will quietly go away now and find my answers on my own.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I guess a part of me wishes I were more dominant...aren't guys suppose to be dominant? And when I read Literotica and other forums like this, there are many more women seeking to be dominated than there are women wishing to dominate.

~~ Being Dominant is neither a guy thing or a girl thing...so no..guys are not supposed to be dominant.~~

~~ there are more submissives than Dominants...simply a fact of the lifestyle as I have witnessed it.

But I have another problem which is far more serious. A total inability to be honest with my true feelings and present myself as a submissive male. In my current relationship I am unable to fully assume a submissive role. I am afraid that my mate would lose respect for me. I am also not sure if being sexually dominant would be a turn on for her.

~~ it is quite common to think that ones mate will not understand or be turned off...you might be pleasantly surprised.


Since there are so few women that seem to enjoy this role what are the odds that she would be one of them?

So, my only outlet is fantasy, and perhaps the hope that some Dominant females out there would like to interact with me via email, webcam, or if in the area, an occasional meeting. Most dominant women I have approached in chat rooms want men that are unattached and that will be totally devoted to them. I could be submissive only to them, but I am comitted to my current relationship, fragile as it may be.

Isn't it possible to have your normal life and your fantasy life separate? Aren't there dominant women out there, who find themselves in normal relationships, but still burn with desire to dominate a man? Or are there dominant women that would be willing to help a man live out his fantasies without total commitment? Couldn't we help one another? I guess I am asking for too much.

~~ all things are possible in life. There are people to match every need. Know what you are really asking for before you start to seek it. If you are seeking self gratification on your own time schedule it is doubtful you will find a Dominant Woman who will fullfill your needs. If you will be content with just acting it out with a lonely or unsatisfied woman..your chances increase.~~

Fantasy is much easier to manage when you are in a committed relationship.

Thanks for listening.....

Slow down...take the time to get to know U/us... and welcome

 

[Mr Blonde]

Welcome to the forum!

My advice would be to break your thoughts down into smaller topics. Starting a thread at a message board is like giving a 5-10 minute speech. It is easy to be way too broad or way too narrow. You cannot try to cram your whole life story into five minutes, but you also wouldn't spend ten minutes depicting a random anecdote from your daily life.

It needs to have sufficient substance but it also needs to be something manageable enough to provoke a focused response from people. Your post is hitting a dozen different topics at once: infidelity & BDSM, internet & BDSM, how to submit, pro dommes, vanilla S/O's, masculinity issues for sub males, unfulfilled dommes, etc.

Please just slow down and post 1-2 topics a week until you work through all of your questions. No one can tell you how to live your life, but allowing some time for reflection and introspection will probably be a lot of help to you. So take a deep breath and start over again with a topic like "I am a male with submissive tendencies--how do I get over cultural expectations?" and begin the process of sorting stuff out.

Trust me, this forum is solid. If you make a three month commitment to posting and are honest in your introspection, you will experience the benefits. My comments are meant constructively.

 

[Sex & Diamonds]

I guess a part of me wishes I were more dominant...aren't guys suppose to be dominant? And when I read Literotica and other forums like this, there are many more women seeking to be dominated than there are women wishing to dominate.

But I have another problem which is far more serious. A total inability to be honest with my true feelings and present myself as a submissive male. In my current relationship I am unable to fully assume a submissive role. I am afraid that my mate would lose respect for me. I am also not sure if being sexually dominant would be a turn on for her. Since there are so few women that seem to enjoy this role what are the odds that she would be one of them?

So, my only outlet is fantasy, and perhaps the hope that some Dominant females out there would like to interact with me via email, webcam, or if in the area, an occasional meeting. Most dominant women I have approached in chat rooms want men that are unattached and that will be totally devoted to them. I could be submissive only to them, but I am comitted to my current relationship, fragile as it may be.

Isn't it possible to have your normal life and your fantasy life separate? Aren't there dominant women out there, who find themselves in normal relationships, but still burn with desire to dominate a man? Or are there dominant women that would be willing to help a man live out his fantasies without total commitment? Couldn't we help one another? I guess I am asking for too much.

Thanks for listening.....

Welcome to the boards.

First of all, not all men are dominant. D/s isn't for everyone after all. If you are in a relationship you are committed to and really want it to work, then try talking to your SO. Have you done that? there are tons and tons of people in a 'vanilla' relationship that have submissive/Dominant desires. But in order for that to happen you have to be honest with yourself.

If you seek a dominant woman just to fulfill your fantasies, there are sites and personal ads all over the place for such things. But becareful of what you wish for there.

Best of luck

 

[FungiUg]

Hmmm... okay, some thoughts.

Firstly, it doesn't matter how many women are submissive versus dominant. All you need is the one dominant woman who is right for you!

Secondly your fear that your partner will lose respect for you is a very real one, and I understand your concern. I'd approach her and query her about her fantasies, and see if any of them dwell on being dominant. My own partner is dominant (as am I), and one of the things I have always known is that if I were to submit to her, she would lose all respect for me. It would be the death knell of the relationship. Since I'm not at all submissive, it's not been a problem for us. But yes, I do understand your concern. Tread very carefully.

Some people can make relationships outside of their primary one work, others can't. Only you can be the judge of what is right and what will work for you. All morality aside, I don't recommend trying to juggle relationships and keep them separate. Normally something slips.

Fantasy is a safe outlet, but can become overwhelming. And it's nothing on reality. Sooner or later, the frustration will push you into trying it for real, I would imagine. So... plan for it, take that into account, and either make arrangements with your partner or other arrangements.

Best of luck!

 

[Daedalus77]

This is not a personal ad. Every time I come into this fucking place I get the same bullshit answers!

I first went to "How To...." they told me to post here. Now you tell me to post on personals, but I am asking a question about the BDSM lifestyle.

I really believe that for the most part this forum is a waste of time. Please do not respond to this thread since I have put it in the wrong goddamn place. I will quietly go away now and find my answers on my own.

Actually my post was not intended to be a slam at you but it was poorly written and I understand why you thought it was. What I was trying to say was you could expect three very different answers based on what you posted.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Returning Newbie - Still see++++ Answers

I guess a part of me wishes I were more dominant...aren't guys suppose to be dominant? And when I read Literotica and other forums like this, there are many more women see++++ to be dominated than there are women wishing to dominate.

As a female Dominant, I would say that men are men. I have male submissives who are very dominant in the areas of their lives that require it. And when they are not in a relationship with a dominant woman, they are dating submissive women and they behave like other dominant males.

It has been posted by others here, that there are more submissive women than dominant women. Siting that over and over again is counterproductive in My mind.

After all, there are more women than men around anyway, and since most women are taught to be more submissive than they might ordinarily be if they were left to their devices, it stands to reason there would be more women declaring submissiveness.

But what does that have to do with you? What men are supposed to be and what they may be in reality are sometimes very different things.

All I can tell you is that you need to find out just how you fit into the dominant-submssive continuim.

At the end, it just comes down to how you want to live your life.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Returning Newbie - Still see++++ Answers

But I have another problem which is far more serious. A total inability to be honest with my true feelings and present myself as a submissive male. In my current relationship I am unable to fully assume a submissive role. I am afraid that my mate would lose respect for me. I am also not sure if being sexually dominant would be a turn on for her. Since there are so few women that seem to enjoy this role what are the odds that she would be one of them?

How do you know your mate will lose respect for you? How do you know she will not find being sexually dominant attractive?

If you have not asked her, than you cannot assume the answers. They might surprise you. And since I am into femdom, and I post on several demdom lists, I assure you that if the females lost respect for their spouse for owning up to being submissive, then DOMestic, the married and partnered femdom list would not have over 10,000 members.


If you want something, then you will just have to ask for it. Do you run the risk of being humiliated? Yes, you do, but on the otherhand, humiliation is a large part of D/s anyway, so that may not be a bad thing.

Talk to her, find out what her fantasies are.

 

[Netzach]

I worry about dominant females who "instantly lose respect" for submissives.

If you can't respect someone with sub/bottom kinks you have NO business playing with them.

My not so humble opinion.

Likewise, I also think that most women are not given the opportunity to *be* dominant in the bedroom and most are not taught how to make it fun. I *would* talk to her and I *would* point her in the direction of Akasha's web, where there's some really good advice to new female Tops who want to play in the *real* world.

 

[spartacus2000]

First of all I want to thank you all for your thoughtful responses and PMs.

Secondly, I would like to admit I was wrong when I jumped to conclusions about this forum.

I have a decision to make and I need to make it soon.

Honestly, when I entered into the relationship I am in about 10 years ago, I didn't know this lifestyle existed. I know that must sound naive but I just recently discovered all these things. But my relationship is based on much more than sex so I would feel selfish if I did anything to hurt my SO just so I could be sexually fulfilled.

Besides by most men's standards I have a very good sex life.

But I know my need to be submissive to a woman is very strong and so I must decide how to approach this delicate situation.

I appreciate your respect for honesty in a relationship, and I agree that ideally the best outcome would be that my current SO would really get into this whole dominance thing, at least from time to time.

I will be reading any threads that I find in this forum that might help me make the best decision. I'm sure I will continue to post badly constructed threads and put them in the sillyest places in the future, but I will try to live and learn.

Thanks

 

[Netzach]

Tell your SO about it and be prepared to do a lot of compromise, negotiation, and work. It may pay off big.

If that's not a possibility, and if it's really and truly not a possibility, you will know in your heart of hearts....

I would go and see my local NON-sexual NON-escort...
friendly and professional Pro-Domme.

Discreet, safe, and SM only, these folks exist for a reason.

 

[FungiUg]

I worry about dominant females who "instantly lose respect" for submissives.

If you can't respect someone with sub/bottom kinks you have NO business playing with them.

My not so humble opinion.

Strangely enough, I agree 100%. My lover, in this case, who has no real respect for submissive men, has no desire to PLAY with submissive men. Which is why me trying to submit to her (er, assuming I could), would be a no-no.

On the other hand, she loves playing with submissive women, and doesn't have a respect issue there.

Gender-based roles are still very much with us...

 

[bbw38c]

My two cents

I don't post a lot but I can relate to your post. I am a submissive female with what I thought was a totally vanilla husband of 15 years. A few months ago I just couldn't take it anymore and so my hubby/master and I had a lot of long talks and he took the time to look at some BDSM information, read some stories on Literotica and just try things. It was the best thing I have ever done for our marriage. Hiding who you are isn't the answer at least not for me. I hid that part of myself since my teens. Since I am 100% commited to my husband/master if he had said no then I would have gone the fantasy route and accepted anything he wanted to try.
What it all boils down to is this you will never know if you don't ask. If this person loves you and doesn't feel that it's something she wants to do it shouldn't change how she feels about you.
This is a great place for support and I hope you keep posting.

 

[spartacus2000]

Thanks BBW38c

Sounds like your situation was very much like mine. Of course, the odds of your SO being dominant are significantly greater than that of my SO being dominant. I appreciate the encouragement.

 

[DuckLover]

I think a very important question in your situation is: What does "dominant" mean to you? (Or what do you want it to mean?)

For some people, it means total, 24/7 control; do what I say all the time; collars; leashes; leather bodysuits; humiliation.

For others, it can mean woman-on-top sex; woman-initiated sex; having her decide what sex acts happen tonight.

Dominance is a spectrum, not black and white. Knowing where on that spectrum you want to be, or at least want to start, is important. The more extreme your desires, the higher the risk of shocking or scaring your gf when you suggest it. The more vanilla your desires, the more likely she is to happily agree.

That's not to say abandon hope of the leather bodysuit and cat-o-nine-tails! A lot of people, myself included, eased their way into BDSM play. Start with the more vanilla stuff; if you both enjoy it, than try something more, building towards what you think is your goal. It's always possible you'll decide you don't want to go as far as you initially thought, which is perfectly acceptable.

You mentioned once that your gf is already perfectly comfortable with initiating sex. Perhaps a next step could be asking her to tie your hands together when she does. (You can buy cheap, plastic, keyless handcuffs at Toys R Us! Look for the police dress-up kits.) Or maybe just blindfolding you with a tie. Any number of small steps exist to explore both of your interest levels in dominance.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[spartacus2000]

I suppose in many ways my Lady is already somewhat dominant. She does initiate sex regularly and she likes a certain amount of control.

I guess the problem may be as much with me as with her. I mean I have many fantasies that involve some pretty kinky stuff. I think what I fear the most is not that she wouldn't be willing to do them, it is that she would totally lose respect for me as a man once we took it that far.

Now don't misunderstand, I still have my doubts that she would really get off on me being submissive to her. But even if she did I can't imagine her going beyond play handcuffs, or wearing a leather outfit.

But I realize I will need to start somewhere, and I think your advice and ideas are sound. I can already here many of you saying, "go slow and easy at first and then see if it develops into anything." I think a plan may be starting to develop.

Thanks

 

[NYSubGrpplr]

I know exaclty how you feel Spartacus, I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we've only started get into the kinky stuff that we really like. It takes time. Do a lot of hinting if your not ready to fully open up yet.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Thanks BBW38c

Sounds like your situation was very much like mine. Of course, the odds of your SO being dominant are significantly greater than that of my SO being dominant. I appreciate the encouragement.

You know her better than anyone here does, but one never knows. Women are taught from the breast to morph into lovers mothers, wives, etc. Many men would be surprised at what goes on in the mind of the many so calles submissive woman.

You may be right, but you also may be wrong. Isn't it worth finding out what the "real" woman you have been living with is like?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Strangely enough, I agree 100%. My lover, in this case, who has no real respect for submissive men, has no desire to PLAY with submissive men. Which is why me trying to submit to her (er, assuming I could), would be a no-no.

How can she tell the difference between a submissive man and a dominant one?

My submissives do not wear a sign on their chests. They look just like other dominant men.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I worry about dominant females who "instantly lose respect" for submissives.

First of all, I have yet to meet a dominant woman who instantly lost respect for a submissive.

Secondly, respect should be given to a man or a woman who has earned it, not to the role they chose to play or their inclination, or even worse their position in life.


A submissive man is neither a weakling nor does he behave as a weakling.

A weak man can be dominant or submissive.

The notion that manly men cannot submit is hogwash.

 

[NYSubGrpplr]

durr double posted somehow.

 

[FungiUg]

How can she tell the difference between a submissive man and a dominant one?

My submissives do not wear a sign on their chests. They look just like other dominant men.

You mis-understood me. My lover has no desire to dominate men. Even though she is dominant in character. How's that?

 

[Ebonyfire]

You mis-understood me. My lover has no desire to dominate men. Even though she is dominant in character. How's that?

Much better. You did not state it that way before. There is a difference. I did not misunderstand you, Fungi. It was stated in a manner that I found offensive to the concept of the submissive male.