shereads
Sloganless
- Joined
- Jun 6, 2003
- Posts
- 19,242
What's wrong with vagrants these days? They show up at the door after the disaster du jour, eager for work and polite as can be. You fork over some cash; the vagrants do some work. End of story.
Not quite.
The one who does the talking starts showing up every day, pounding on the door and telling - not asking - you what job he's prepared to do today. "I'm going to trim those ferns back away from the path." "Thank you, but no." "I'm going to get some boards and fix those steps." "No." "Are you married? How long has that house next door been vacant? Is it for sale? What are they asking? That dog of yours is pretty old, huh. Barks too much."
As a bleeding-heart liberal, you can't bring yourself to be rude to the needy. Except when they annoy you, or insult your dog, or when you're facing a deadlne at the office, or you have a mosquito bite. Now the gloves are off. You make it clear that this vagrant/employer/chainsaw relationship is over.
You regret being such a bitch about it. But you're relieved that he won't be back.
Until today.
"I came by earlier and you didn't answer the door!"
"No, I didn't."
"I'm going to trim back those ferns."
"No."
"I need to take my mamma to the hospital. You got five dollars?"
And they say you can't get decent healthcare in America for less than $7...So what's next, pornsters? Do I set out land mines? Is his mamma going to move in with me? And what about the chainsaw?
I'm tempted to bring out the big guns: the life-like rubber coral snake.
For years, I kept a coral snake in the driveway, just inside the gate, to help kids intent on a car break-in choose between my car and my neighbors'. They chose the neighbors' car, every time. Until the sun faded my snake and made him brittle. After that, it didn't fool anyone except the new UPS delivery man. He shrieked like a girl.
I retired the snake after The Incident.
Should I try a new snake? Or go directly to the Stun Gun?
Since the demise of the old Parrot Jungle souvenir shop, I wonder if top-grade rubber snakes are available anymore, or are as rare as quality vagrants.
Not quite.
The one who does the talking starts showing up every day, pounding on the door and telling - not asking - you what job he's prepared to do today. "I'm going to trim those ferns back away from the path." "Thank you, but no." "I'm going to get some boards and fix those steps." "No." "Are you married? How long has that house next door been vacant? Is it for sale? What are they asking? That dog of yours is pretty old, huh. Barks too much."
As a bleeding-heart liberal, you can't bring yourself to be rude to the needy. Except when they annoy you, or insult your dog, or when you're facing a deadlne at the office, or you have a mosquito bite. Now the gloves are off. You make it clear that this vagrant/employer/chainsaw relationship is over.
You regret being such a bitch about it. But you're relieved that he won't be back.
Until today.
"I came by earlier and you didn't answer the door!"
"No, I didn't."
"I'm going to trim back those ferns."
"No."
"I need to take my mamma to the hospital. You got five dollars?"
And they say you can't get decent healthcare in America for less than $7...So what's next, pornsters? Do I set out land mines? Is his mamma going to move in with me? And what about the chainsaw?
I'm tempted to bring out the big guns: the life-like rubber coral snake.
For years, I kept a coral snake in the driveway, just inside the gate, to help kids intent on a car break-in choose between my car and my neighbors'. They chose the neighbors' car, every time. Until the sun faded my snake and made him brittle. After that, it didn't fool anyone except the new UPS delivery man. He shrieked like a girl.
I retired the snake after The Incident.
Should I try a new snake? Or go directly to the Stun Gun?
Since the demise of the old Parrot Jungle souvenir shop, I wonder if top-grade rubber snakes are available anymore, or are as rare as quality vagrants.
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