"Retribution Within the City"........
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Octavian
Literotica Guru
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Feedback as requested
Others here will give a more detailed critique no doubt but here are a few comments of mine.
Overall it is a good imaginative story but it could have done with better editing.
There is too much repetition. For example in the first part you say early on that the servant girls hands were tied tightly behind their backs and in the next paragraph you refer to the fact that their arms were tied behind them.
The sentences about Janine thinking are a bit clumsy. For example ‘"What should I do, There is no time for preparation" Janine thinks.’
This might have been better expressed ‘Janine didn’t know what she should do---there was no time.’
At one point you mention about the women councillors that ‘some were nude, some nearly nude.’ It might have read better if you had written that ‘they were in various states of undress.’
The story would have benefited had you used more dialogue. Remember to separate dialogue when you do use it.
To be honest I couldn't relate to the Janine being sexually aroused when she was about to be executed but perhaps that's just me.
One final point ‘respectful’ is not the word you meant to use in part 2. It should have been ‘respective’.
But I enjoyed the story and that is the main thing you want your readers to do.
Others here will give a more detailed critique no doubt but here are a few comments of mine.
Overall it is a good imaginative story but it could have done with better editing.
There is too much repetition. For example in the first part you say early on that the servant girls hands were tied tightly behind their backs and in the next paragraph you refer to the fact that their arms were tied behind them.
The sentences about Janine thinking are a bit clumsy. For example ‘"What should I do, There is no time for preparation" Janine thinks.’
This might have been better expressed ‘Janine didn’t know what she should do---there was no time.’
At one point you mention about the women councillors that ‘some were nude, some nearly nude.’ It might have read better if you had written that ‘they were in various states of undress.’
The story would have benefited had you used more dialogue. Remember to separate dialogue when you do use it.
To be honest I couldn't relate to the Janine being sexually aroused when she was about to be executed but perhaps that's just me.
One final point ‘respectful’ is not the word you meant to use in part 2. It should have been ‘respective’.
But I enjoyed the story and that is the main thing you want your readers to do.
Rusher
Really Experienced
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- Apr 14, 2000
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- 155
I commend you on putting together a story with an interesting background and more than just 'we met, we screwed'. It's a very ambitious undertaking, and I'm glad to see someone taking the time and effort to do it. These aren't badly written stories, but I think with just a little bit of work they could be much better.
My impression after reading the two stories is that I don't know why anybody does what they do.
It's supposed to be a non-consent story, right? Well, where's the non-consent? This woman is into it right from the start, and after half a page she's panting for it and wanting more. So my question is: why? A little set-up into her psyche is necessary to explain her mindset. And for me to be interested in her character. Maybe something happened to her in childhood, or she was tired of being in charge all the time. Something to make her crave being dominated and helpless.
Also, I don't understand what the torturers are doing and why. I suppose you might explain that further in later chapters, but it does need to be explained. If they want to torture this woman, why not just hand her over to the soldiers? What they would do is much worse than anything the torturers put her through. Slaves come and have sex with her while the soldiers watch. Why not have the soldiers screwing her?
Also, in the second story, they tell her she'll be spared for being so brave. When was she brave? She tried to hide her identity when they first attacked, and when she was in jail she just sat there. Something as simple as her standing up for a slave being mistreated would have showed her bravery, but I didn't see anything like that happen. Therefore, the whole premise of them not treating her worse or killing her goes out the window.
I would also agree that the stories could have benefited from more dialogue. It would help to show what the torturers are thinking and planning, and would allow for some foreshadowing of what is coming in the future.
My impression after reading the two stories is that I don't know why anybody does what they do.
It's supposed to be a non-consent story, right? Well, where's the non-consent? This woman is into it right from the start, and after half a page she's panting for it and wanting more. So my question is: why? A little set-up into her psyche is necessary to explain her mindset. And for me to be interested in her character. Maybe something happened to her in childhood, or she was tired of being in charge all the time. Something to make her crave being dominated and helpless.
Also, I don't understand what the torturers are doing and why. I suppose you might explain that further in later chapters, but it does need to be explained. If they want to torture this woman, why not just hand her over to the soldiers? What they would do is much worse than anything the torturers put her through. Slaves come and have sex with her while the soldiers watch. Why not have the soldiers screwing her?
Also, in the second story, they tell her she'll be spared for being so brave. When was she brave? She tried to hide her identity when they first attacked, and when she was in jail she just sat there. Something as simple as her standing up for a slave being mistreated would have showed her bravery, but I didn't see anything like that happen. Therefore, the whole premise of them not treating her worse or killing her goes out the window.
I would also agree that the stories could have benefited from more dialogue. It would help to show what the torturers are thinking and planning, and would allow for some foreshadowing of what is coming in the future.
Last edited:
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
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- Oct 10, 2002
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- 11,528
What's a "sedile"? I looked it up in Mirriam-Webster and it's not listed.
I had two problems with this story:
(1) I just couldn't believe that she would get sexually aroused while fearing for her life. I've seen other stories where the same thing happens, and usually the victim feels aroused despite herself & is shocked by her body's betrayal. Here it just seems to happen as a matter of course. Or is that why it's a dream?
(2) I was never drawn into the scenes. It never really came alive for me. It was reportage on what happened rather than her experience of what happened. That's a common problem with stories here, and that's why you always hear "show it, don't tell it", meaning describe the action, don't just tell us what happened. At one part Gina "begins to lap her pussy". That's telling; that's reportage. "Gina bent over, nervously extended her tongue and tentatively touched it to her pussy." That's description; that's showing us.
I wonder too why this whole thing was set up as a dream. I kept on waiting for her to wake up. Why not just set the story back then or in some mythical empire and leave it at that? As it is we're kind of in this Roman never-never land. (The Persian empire no longer existed when Rome was in power.)
The danger in doing historical stuffis that you get the details wrong. For example, the "parchment" Janine was forced to wear. Parchment is dried, stretched animal skin with the consistency of cardboard, and about as attractive.
But it's good to see someone trying something set some place else other than today. And you've picked a time that's full of opportunity for torture and rape and this kind of stuff. Just got to make it more involving and more vivid.
---dr.M.
I had two problems with this story:
(1) I just couldn't believe that she would get sexually aroused while fearing for her life. I've seen other stories where the same thing happens, and usually the victim feels aroused despite herself & is shocked by her body's betrayal. Here it just seems to happen as a matter of course. Or is that why it's a dream?
(2) I was never drawn into the scenes. It never really came alive for me. It was reportage on what happened rather than her experience of what happened. That's a common problem with stories here, and that's why you always hear "show it, don't tell it", meaning describe the action, don't just tell us what happened. At one part Gina "begins to lap her pussy". That's telling; that's reportage. "Gina bent over, nervously extended her tongue and tentatively touched it to her pussy." That's description; that's showing us.
I wonder too why this whole thing was set up as a dream. I kept on waiting for her to wake up. Why not just set the story back then or in some mythical empire and leave it at that? As it is we're kind of in this Roman never-never land. (The Persian empire no longer existed when Rome was in power.)
The danger in doing historical stuffis that you get the details wrong. For example, the "parchment" Janine was forced to wear. Parchment is dried, stretched animal skin with the consistency of cardboard, and about as attractive.
But it's good to see someone trying something set some place else other than today. And you've picked a time that's full of opportunity for torture and rape and this kind of stuff. Just got to make it more involving and more vivid.
---dr.M.
PaulX35
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2002
- Posts
- 331
A few thoughts
Roman,
Much of what I have in comment was already brought forward. Historical settings can make a really attractive background for erotica, but once you have chosen to use that, you may want to get your facts right and take good care to properly use the potential of a historic setting. My feeling with your story was that it never really managed to draw me into that atmosphere. It's often small details that do this, but naming your Roman characters Janine or Gina will very unlikely ever result in drawing your reader into the Roman times.
Add in more direct speech; this story allows it and it will make it more lively. As to that, carefully chosen "ancient sounding" direct speech will add a lot to the historic feel!
The story is about non-consent. Great, it is a fascinating theme, touching upon a very principal human dilemma between moral and lust. The setting you picked furthermore gives you every chance of using that dilemma to create something that will make the reader drool while reading on.
Once having chosen, however, to work out such a theme, you should never be afraid to push this into its very taboo limits. Paint the dilemma, make people feel, fear things. We need agony, sweat, pain, mindboggling struggle before even the first signs of giving in appear to make a story like this exciting.
I'd revise even the first paragraphs for that, as you're already giving things away there. It's okay to keep the final ending in mind, but do try to first take us into the dilemma: that's what non-consent is about, I think!
I wish you good luck with your further writing
Roman,
Much of what I have in comment was already brought forward. Historical settings can make a really attractive background for erotica, but once you have chosen to use that, you may want to get your facts right and take good care to properly use the potential of a historic setting. My feeling with your story was that it never really managed to draw me into that atmosphere. It's often small details that do this, but naming your Roman characters Janine or Gina will very unlikely ever result in drawing your reader into the Roman times.
Add in more direct speech; this story allows it and it will make it more lively. As to that, carefully chosen "ancient sounding" direct speech will add a lot to the historic feel!
The story is about non-consent. Great, it is a fascinating theme, touching upon a very principal human dilemma between moral and lust. The setting you picked furthermore gives you every chance of using that dilemma to create something that will make the reader drool while reading on.
Once having chosen, however, to work out such a theme, you should never be afraid to push this into its very taboo limits. Paint the dilemma, make people feel, fear things. We need agony, sweat, pain, mindboggling struggle before even the first signs of giving in appear to make a story like this exciting.
I'd revise even the first paragraphs for that, as you're already giving things away there. It's okay to keep the final ending in mind, but do try to first take us into the dilemma: that's what non-consent is about, I think!
I wish you good luck with your further writing
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