Requesting some critical feedback on my first story

[EesomeBeastie]

I've had my first story posted on the site. (In fact it's the first short story I've written since I left school, quite a few years ago.) There have been a few positive public feedback messages, but nothing meaty that I can use to improve my future efforts, so I'm posting this request for some critical reviewing.

I tried using the volunteer editor system before submitting, but the first three potential editors never replied and the fourth accepted the story for review but then didn't get back again.

The story is called "Listening In" and it's at:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=405407

It's about a chap who forges a Valentine's card from one colleague to another, to stir things up a bit, but discovers that it's led them to get together, and on the spur of the moment he bugs their planned encounter and listens in on the action.

I didn't expect my first effort to be wonderful, and the voting rating is mediocre. Please give me some well considered comments here so I can improve. I've a thick skin, so if you think it's rubbish, just say so. I'm not planning on making writing a career, so my ego won't be crushed. Please post here, or by anonymous feedback message, so I'm not accused of just trying to drum up votes for what is a special topic competition entry!

And don't bother commenting on the spelling mistake (send vs sent) in para 3 as I've spotted it (too late, though).

 

[ericahope]

Beastie,
It's not a bad start, in my opinion. The grammar and style seem pretty good to me - a lot better than a lot of first-timer writers here. Only one edit in that department:

In the sentence below you should either take off the "s" at the end of "chemists" or add an apostrophe, as it's possessive:

"I added a heart and a dab of perfume from a sample sachet I'd got at the local chemists."

As for the story... I like the idea of the taboo of office romance and even the voyeuristic aspect of it. But I tend to like a good build-up to the sex, where there was little here. I don't have any idea why the boss wants David. Is she desperate? Is she particularly in need at this time? Has she been fantasizing about David for months? Does she sleep around with coworkers all the time? I feel like there should be a reason for violating this taboo, something more than just that the opportunity presented itself. I like the passiveness of David; it shows a little about his personality. The story didn't do much for me in the eroticism department, but that doesn't mean it won't do anything for everyone. Everyone has different tastes.

Also, one little pet peeve of mine is when authors use exact measurements to describe other people. Unless the character doing the describing has gotten out a tape measure I generally shy away from using "c-cup" or height and weight measurements to describe others. Using descriptive words is better for the reader. I realize the narrator hasn't actually seen the boss' breasts, but he also hasn't looked at her bra label either, I assume. Simply describe her breasts as large or ample or petite or breasts that sometimes strain at the constraints of her shirt or breasts that appeared to show their age...anything is more erotic than "c-cup" in my mind. But again, it's just my opinion.

I hope this didn't come out too harsh. Anyway...keep writing!

Best,
Erica

 

[tickledkitty]

It's not rubbish at all. You did very well for your first time. As some of the commenters said, I especially enjoyed the way you used particularly Scottish wording here and there. Keep doing that. It adds a really nice flavor to your writing and makes you stand out from the rest. Seriously, this is not bad at all.

Some things I noticed:

Some of your dialogue seemed rather stilted. You might try saying it aloud a few times just to see if it sounds natural to you. Also, don't bury dialogue in the middle of a paragraph. Most of the time, you need to start a new paragraph.

I think you over use the exclamation point in the dialogue and the narrative. I almost never use it in narrative and rather sparingly in dialogue.

I think you are over using some attribution tags, such as gasped, wailed, grunted. Sometimes you don't need to use a tag at all, and most of the time something simple like said or murmured will do. For example, you say

"Janice," David replied, "this isn't ..."

You don't need to say replied here, and you don't have to say it's David speaking. There are only two people in the room. Janice just spoke, so it's kind of understood that the next person speaking would be David. Furthermore, he's using her name, so it's obvious that it's him speaking.

Avoid the use of adverbs ending in -ly. A lot of the time, you don't need them at all, and other times, you could say it better a different way.

This story is very short, and I think you could've done a bit more with it. The narrator could have been a bit more bothered by Janice and David getting together, especially since he says he's always fancied Janice himself. I think this is his lesson learned here, but you don't really drive that point home in the end. I think he's a little too pleased with himself for getting off, when it might have been a bit more interesting if he'd gotten off but still been more...I dont know...wistful? Maybe kind of kicking himself for not sending the card himself? Anyway, that's just my opinion.

It seems generally accepted, though not a hard and fast rule, when referring to someone climaxing to use come for the action and cum for the ejaculate. (Wow, did that sound prissy, or what? )

Next time, post in the Editor's Forum asking for help. It's hard for everyone here to find an editor in the beginning.

I hope this is helpful and that you'll keep writing. Good job.

 

[EesomeBeastie]

Ericahope,

Thank you very much for your comments. They were well thought out and please be assured I've taken them to heart.

In the sentence below you should either take off the "s" at the end of "chemists" or add an apostrophe, as it's possessive

Yes, I missed that one.

I don't have any idea why the boss wants David. Is she desperate? Is she particularly in need at this time? Has she been fantasizing about David for months? Does she sleep around with coworkers all the time? I feel like there should be a reason for violating this taboo, something more than just that the opportunity presented itself.

Point well made. I guess this is a particular fantasy of mine -- a woman whom I fancy, but who shows no interest in return, suddenly cracks and throws herself at me, revealing that she'd wanted me all along. It was implicit in my head that Janice had fantasized over David, but re-reading the story, that's not really made clear, and even given that, no strong motivation is given for her taking the risks that she does. The lesson seems to be that I should consider a reader coming at the story cold, without my preconceptions.

Maybe, also, women readers expect the women characters to have stronger reasons for engaging in sex, because the act is fraught with more potential consequences for a woman (pregnancy, emotional investment, her reputation, etc.)? Or is that just my prejudices showing?

Also, one little pet peeve of mine is when authors use exact measurements to describe other people. Unless the character doing the describing has gotten out a tape measure I generally shy away from using "c-cup" ...

Fair point, too. That was a bit of a "lads' mag" cliche, wasn't it? Probably turns women readers right off, and bang goes half the audience. Yes, I'll avoid that in the future.

...he also hasn't looked at her bra label either, I assume.

Hmm... Now you're giving me ideas...

I hope this didn't come out too harsh.

Not at all. This was EXACTLY what I was hoping for. Thanks again.

 

[EesomeBeastie]

Thanks for your comments. This is the sort of detailed criticism I was hoping for. I've noted your suggestion about posting in the Editors' section to ask for help, and I'll do this.

It's not rubbish at all.

Thanks. It's a British thing to hedge anything you present with excessive caution and to downplay what you think of it. It would be considered brash to say, "I think this is great. What do you think?" (not that I thought it was great, I do know my limitations).

Some of your dialogue seemed rather stilted. You might try saying it aloud a few times just to see if it sounds natural to you.

Good advice. I reckon there are two things going on here:

1. My writing to date has been technical reports and notes, and they tend to be formal.

2. I do speak more carefully and slowly than most people, and I've even been told I do come across as stilted. So, touche, there -- you've got me. David and Janice talk as I might talk in that situation.

Maybe there's too much of me in all the characters. I suppose I need to observe and listen to other people more and transfer that into my writing.

Also, don't bury dialogue in the middle of a paragraph. Most of the time, you need to start a new paragraph.

Fair point. I was scared of having too many short paragraphs. The original version even had dialogue going back and forth between charaters in the same paragraph, and this is one of the reasons it was rejected first time. I guess I wasn't severe enough in separating out the dialogue into new paragraphs, though I did enough to get it through the site acceptance editor.

I think you over use the exclamation point in the dialogue and the narrative. I almost never use it in narrative and rather sparingly in dialogue.

A matter of style, but I think you're probably right. I'll ponder that one.

I think you are over using some attribution tags, such as gasped, wailed, grunted. Sometimes you don't need to use a tag at all, and most of the time something simple like said or murmured will do.

This is a result of how the story was originally written, with to-and-fro dialogue in the same paragraph. Not to have had speech tags would have resulted in back-to-back quotation marks, and that looked wrong, so I put them in. When I was told to separate out the speech, it didn't occur to me that the speech tags could be pruned too. Good point.

Avoid the use of adverbs ending in -ly. A lot of the time, you don't need them at all, and other times, you could say it better a different way.

I guess that saying it a better way is something that comes with experience.

This story is very short, and I think you could've done a bit more with it.

Once I had the story line laid out in my head, the words just seemed to pour out in a frenzy of typing that lasted a couple of hours (OK, I'm a slow typist). It was more intense than any experience of writing technical notes at work and at the end of those two hours I was drained. I feared that coming back to it later to add new sections would change the voice in which it was written, so I did little more than polish it after that.

Beginner's lack of stamina, I guess.

The narrator could have been a bit more bothered by Janice and David getting together, especially since he says he's always fancied Janice himself. I think this is his lesson learned here, but you don't really drive that point home in the end. I think he's a little too pleased with himself for getting off, when it might have been a bit more interesting if he'd gotten off but still been more...I dont know...wistful? Maybe kind of kicking himself for not sending the card himself?

Fair cop, guv. That is the main weakness in the plot. There's too much of me in Mark, and too much of my own fantasy in the story. I am married, and my occasional crushes on other women are nothing more than that. Mark is single and if he truly fancies Janice, then he should be gutted, or at least more pissed off than he seems in the story.

I hope this is helpful and that you'll keep writing.

Indeed it is, and indeed I shall. Thanks again.