Requesting input on A Matched Set of Boytoys

[naughtyloveling]

Hey all!

I've just posted my first story back on lit in about 4 years, and would love some feedback. I'm working on chapter 2 right now, and input at this point in time of development would be invaluable.

It's called A Matched Set of Boytoys, and can be found below:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=497268
Mia the exhibitionist meets the twins, n teases on the train

I initially listed it it Exhibitionist/Voyeur, but for some reason it is currently listed in Taboo/Incest. Although there IS a set of identical twins that are central to this story, I was not planning on developing it in to incest, and definitely none happens in the first chapter. I've already submitted the correction to Lit.

I'll be happy to provide feedback on any stories as well. Thank you advance!

 

[KillerMuffin]

It's probably shunted into the incest/taboo category because two related people are involved in the exact same sexual situation at the same time, or the story promises to be that way in the future. Your main character does want a double-order of hot naked hot blond boyness and she plans on seducing and training her twin boys. (Use commas to separate items in a list!)

I can tell you that I developed a severe hate for Mia. I'm not a nice person anyway, so take that reaction with a total grain of salt. It's a problem in first person POV stories. How do you describe the "I" character from "I"'s point of view without making him or her come across as a total twat? "My small round ass?" "My shapely and toned legs?" Ugh. The only thing worse than a woman doing it is a man. It comes across as very vain, very shallow, and very self-absorbed. To make things even worse (this is where the disgust popped up), Mia claims all of this maturity that she never actually displays in her character because all she does is carry on about how wonderful she is and turns the twins into things, objects, playtoys. A 24 year old is not old enough to justify calling a 20 year by the child moniker unless the 20 year old has already agreed to be a part of the power differential. If they're boys she's still just a girl. Having Mia do so? Not very grown up. I'm reminded of 9th grade girls discussing how they're so much more mature than 9th grade boys. She's just too self-absorbed. I couldn't get the image of Lindsey Lohan out of my head. The very convenient and not very believable sudden independent wealth on her part didn't help.

The movement of the story over the course of the chapter was interesting. I did like the twins and the sex part didn't come across at all gratuitous. It was meaningful to the overall plot, which very much rocks in a smut story.

So, plot and execution is made of general win, Jake and Jay are good, the Lohan clone is annoying. Maybe if there was a geniune age difference and not a piddling 4 years?