Requesting feedback

[KillerMuffin]

Would you please choose one of my stories and tell me what you didn't like about it and why? Hit the www under this post to get to my memberpage.

Thanks!

 

[LivingUnicorn]

Feedback for KillerMuffin

KillerMuffin;

I read "Never Kill a Man on All Hallow's Eve".

That was a very fantastic story and you are a very tremendous writer, but I know that praise isn't all that you want to hear so I'm going to try to find a few things to be constructively critical about.

First off, there were some small problems with words missing or being the wrong word. Like "of of" instead of "of the". In every case it was obvious it was simply a typographical error and not a writing flaw, but it did distract me from the story a couple of times.

Your grammer is impeckable. If only I could write as well, I would be very very happy.

One problem I did find with this story was the sudden introduction of names after a very lengthy beginning without them and the sudden shift in POV that came about the same time. You had been firmly in the wife's point of view and then suddenly you shifted, I guess, to the hunters point of view. This left me a little confused for a little while, but I did quickly figure it out.

The next problem I had was with the ending. You closed the story and then added a little tag line. It left me feeling like I had just watched an eighties horror film and Jason had just come back from the dead. I would have enjoyed the ending more had you stopped before the tag line. Now I find I want to read the rest of the story. Surely she wins, but how and what happens.

Well I really hope that this is what you were wanting and I hope my feedback makes sense.

BTW: Thanks for everything you do here at Lit. I have really enjoyed reading your how-to's and the feedback you give other authors in your "claws" thread. Now that I have read one of your stories, I'm going to have to go and read them all. Not sure why I haven't done that before.

LU

 

[Ray Dario]

KM

Well since I read everything of yours as soon as it is posted, I had to go back and pick one to give you feedback on. I chose "If you sprinkle when you tinkle"

This is one of those erotic yet funny stories that you are so great at writing. There wasn't much about it that I didn't like. Your writing is technically excellent. This story was engaging and kept my interest though the entire story. The ending was good with adequate closure and a great ending line.

If there is anything at all that I felt could have improved in this story, I guess it would have been to add a little more conflict at the beginning. Maybe make the husband a little less eager to join in her fun, but to do it to save their marriage and then find that he enjoys it as much as she does.

Sorry I can't give you more criticism but, like all your work, this story is excellent. I love your writing.

Also I'm glad your picture is back on your posts

Ray

 

[alltherage]

I have read many of your stories. I admire your skill in general but what I truely love is the dialogue between the characters. It is real, often funny, and right on target. I think its the humor that does it for me. If I do not idealize my sexual encounters there is often less than dramatic conversation between my partner and I.
What I have learned over the years is that it is in those moments that true intimacy is expressed. I love the front love story. The characters are friends and by a unique set of circumstances they are brought together. The friendship and passion are shown in equal measure in the story. I really liked the phone ringing in the distance. It allows the reader to fill in another layer to the story. Sometimes it is the part of the story that is not written that is the most intriqueing. Creating through ommission. This is a small example of how to expand a story with a simple consistant devise and I think it worked very well. Well, thats my two cents.

 

[PAUL C]

The Gathering Night

I enjoyed reading this short story.

Forgive me if I am over critical with my comments.

I will admit to losing the plot at the start and still not fully understanding what you mean in the following:

'His hair resembled not so much anything as a black and gray shock of fur reaching down the length of his back. If it weren’t for the whiteness of the cast and the crutches, she’d never have guessed he had a weakness.'

That stopped the flow for me for a little but it was worth going on.

The cafe scene was good and beliveable.

I wasn't so sure about the seduction scene in the cabin. The tension between them was touched on as well as their mutual desire. I think you could have developt'd that part a little more, it had promise.

The sex seen was good. The part where he holds her in place with his teeth was a good touch. I think that, considering the ending, he might have wanted to take her 'doogy' fashion.

But, all in all, I enjoyed it.

Spelling and punctuation very good.

 

[rigged4dive]

I Want You

It took a lot of reading to find anything not to like, but since that is specifically what you asked for, a diligent search was in order.

The story, "I Want You," while mechanicaly perfect, was a cliche totally bereft of plot, dialogue, tension, or character development. If anyone had shown it to me without an authors name on it, I would not have believed it was written by KillerMuffin.

This was the only story on the page that I could find anything at all to complain about, and I read them all; well, except the one about the gay guy.

Acidic Tiger absolutely gave me chills. I may have nightmares about that one.

you have made me laugh, made me cry, made me think, and made me horney.

 

[James Blandings]

Well, I DID read the one about the gay guy, and I liked it quite a bit.
I got a thrill of recognition when the character thinks back to his school days, noticing the other boys in the shower . Been there, done that!
A nice story. I'm loking forward to reading some of your other stuff.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

"The Willow" is, IMHO, a vignette, not a story. The plot seems to consist of: wife is unhappy in the kitchen, wife lets husband smile her out of the kitchen, wife and husband make love, wife is now, presumably, happy.

--

The piece opens with the wife in the midst of an internal rant and rave. But for the life of me, I can't figure out what difference it makes to the story that she's unhappy.

--

In the following sentence, the pharse, "...cooking up a storm...," is not only a cliche, it doesn't fit the wife's hostile mood. In the same sentence, "morning" appears twice.

"She'd spent the morning with the rest of the women, cooking up a storm and watching the children while the men had spent a pleasant morning shooting the breeze."--

--

On a pendantic, fuss-budget level, the paragraph that opens, "She sank the..." contains four sentences and everyone begins with "She." Those four mark the start of nine straight sentences, seven of which begin with "She" while "He" and "His" lead off one each.

By my very rough guess-timate, over half the sentences in theis piece carry the same burden.

--

And in parting, an anatomical nit-pick from the following passage. (The couple are standing under the willow and embracing. The wife has her arms around the husband's neck.)

"She moaned into his mouth again when the rough pads of his thumbs found her bared nipples. She shoved her hands between them, reaching for the fastening to his shorts...,"

Unless that gal is significantly taller than her old man, how in the blue blazes is that movement anatomically possible?

--

Hope some of this helps. RF

 

[karmadog]

Lilli Marlene

OK you only asked for what we didn't like, so I'll skip the love fest and get down to it.

I don't think the scene was set well. Your reader will be picturing what things look like if you don't tell them. I don't know why, but I was picturing late fall, cold, dusk. Not until well into the story is the warm sun beating down. For me that was sort of a shock. It brought me up cold. In many stories, it's unnecessary to set the scene, but it is important in this one.

At the stream before they get busy the soldier says, "I'm just a man." I think that in his time, he would have been more likely to say, "I'm just a GI." Another dialogue problem that I had was when she suggests he is insane. He says his "Momma always said I never had no sense." Other than the fact that he says "crick" for creek, he speaks well. His grammar is always good. A reader of Thoreau might be expected to speak better. I realize that your intention (probably) was to indicate that he was a country boy who had become somewhat educated, but still, it screws up the flow.

(I'M NOT SHOUTING, MY CAPS LOCK IS STUCK. SHEESH)

A QUIBBLE: AT ONE POINT, SHE SPEAKS WITH HIS FINGER IN HER MOUTH. IT IS POSSIBLE, BUT SHE COULD NEVER HAVE SAID "SHHH". TRY IT.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY WITH THIS STORY. AT THE END, DOES HE STILL DISLIKE HER BECAUSE SHE'S GERMAN? I CAN'T TELL. IS HE IN LOVE? IS SHE IN LOVE WITH HIM? I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO SAY. MIGHT BE MY FAILING, BUT ANYHOW--YOU ASKED.

 

[TheScribe]

Throbbing in His Jeans

Muffin,

Fair is fair, I suppose, so I can hardly expect you to look at mine if I am not willing to look at yours. I picked Throbbing: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=17372, because it was so far down the list. I also picked the one at the top of the list about the BMW and the green panties: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=26256,but there wasn't much not to like in that one.

Your stories have an edginess to them that grips the reader and pulls them along, and that's a gift. So is knowing that there's more to good erotica than torrid descriptions of sex. One of the challenges of writing erotica, I think, is finding a plausible encounter to kick off the story. BMW was great in that regard; the Santa parade, the exchange of glances then the business card, phone sex and a mad dash to the park were wonderful touches that, though far out, were not only plausible but perhaps touched a secret fantasy that many of your readers nurture. I was a little less taken with the appearance of the hubby in the park, since I suspect most guys would have wilted and fled at that point. Not good to mix genres, I think; reader trippin one minute on anonymous sex in the park with a gorgeous red-headed stranger and the next minute he's having to share her pussy with her hubby's fingers might have been one plot twist too many, but the story didn't suffer for it.

I am not so sure about Throbbing in his Jeans, though. The seque from the kitchen to the Valentine's picnic in the park was awkward and confusing enough that I had to read it twice to be sure where I was being taken. It was also difficult to pick up on the Brad/Elizabeth thing. As it appeared, Brad met Elizabeth once and two months later, after breaking up with her daughter, he shows up on her doorstep and twenty seconds after that she has her hand on his dick and they are off to the bedroom. I think that aspect of the story required a little clearer development. Who was Elizabeth supposed to be, anyway? One minute I'm leaning toward vivacious and lovely and the next I'm getting "old thighs," "saggy white skin" and "droopy white globes." Obviously, ole 'Liz missed the Vagina Monologues. And, Bradley? Come on. The guy gets dumped by the daughter, picks up a bottle and makes a beeline for mom's house, in five minutes he's got her buckneked and pulling her pussy lips apart and suddenly he comes down with a terminal case of condum nobility? Pullllllease. I know the change thing and all that, and here's where trust gets injected into the story, but don't you think the trust stuff started when she decided to put her hand on his erection? It's kinda like we've already left the board and are half-way through our swan dive before we check to see if there's water in the pool.

I loved the clock ticking, probably because I recognized the device and have used it myself, but I'm not sure why. Perhaps it suggests a cadence that the writer is trying to establish in the prose, or maybe it's just a pause to let the reader catch his/her breath; whatever, I liked the touch.

It's late and my thoughts are nearly as blurred as my eyesight, but some things remain clear. I admire your considerable talent and enjoy everything you write, even on those rare occasions when I think you might be struggling some. For a girl who washes her own truck, and neked at that, you ain't half bad.

hope you liked the flowers I sent,

thescribe

 

[DRxBlue]

You want Criticism? You got it!

did i scare you with my subject line?

i know my first personal pronouns aren't capitalized; i'm having a war with the English language. (and losing, i fear)

so far i've read 12 of your stories (including the gay one)and most of your technical treatises

This is a TOUGH assignment.Finding things i DON'T like in your work has been really difficult. i think it's pretty nit-picky to complain about the very occasional spelling blunder or a badly conjugated verb. That has nothing to do with your skill as a writer.

i chose to pick on three stories for now.

1.)I Want You
i think that rigged4dive had a point when he said there's something "cliche" about it. i've read several stories here at Literotica based on similar themes.

i also object to the use of the word "eroticness" towards the beginning.If you're going to coin a word i think you could do better.

Then there's the phrase: "Her hands moved down, drawing the top of her dress with it,". Hmmm. That could be improved.

2.)The Willow
Rumple Foreskin (killer handle) pointed out the anatomical improbability of her reaching between the hands on her nipples to the opening of his pants. My theory was that her breasts were huge enough to spread far enough apart that they would stick out of her armpits, but i'm sure you would have mentioned a detail that significant.

"The cum was boiling inside his balls," is another image that makes me squirm a bit.

3.)By The Roaring River
This story i said more about in the "Anonymous Feedback" section, all very complimentary. The only problem i had was when he talked about his exploration of internet porn, at first it was "exercise sites where the guys were flexing in trunks,"

My mind is so literal i was seeing Arnold Schwartzeneggar doing Mr. Universe poses in a steamer trunk. (kind of an X-ray vision image)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay that's it! That's all the critiquing i can do. In spite of these little flaws (as i perceive them)i couldn't find ANYTHING i didn't LIKE!

So i failed the assignment

it's because i believe you are a GODDESS!

i'm kinda new here and i first encountered you in the audio section. Hearing beautiful porn recited with a touch of a hillbilly twang just turned me inside out.

You really kinda permeate this whole site, like the scent of lilacs. You seem to be EVERYWHERE.

(sigh) Maybe i'm just in love (dreamy idiot grin)
i'd like to thank ALL of the people who make this service possible, even the SOFTWARE works great!

Okay, too long, i'll shut up.