Requesting feedback on my storyI

[D A Stone]

Yet another new author requesting the feedback of readers here on a first story. I have written books before, but never fiction, so please bear that in mind. Please also note, that the Man: and Woman: tags in the story represent a shift from the first person perspective of the two main characters from one to another. Here is a link to my story.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=104015



D A Stone

 

[Hotcappucino]

Just from a cursory read, I would say that the jump back and forth in perspective is a little too jarring and detracts from the flow of the story, especially during the erotic sequence where the perspective alternates with each paragraph. I would prefer either the story kept in one person's perspective or change the entire story to the third person.

Excellent grammar & punctuation, but I thought the style was a little too formal for a first person perspective (unless they happen to be British ).

 

[Guest]

 

[D A Stone]

Just from a cursory read, I would say that the jump back and forth in perspective is a little too jarring and detracts from the flow of the story, especially during the erotic sequence where the perspective alternates with each paragraph. I would prefer either the story kept in one person's perspective or change the entire story to the third person.

Excellent grammar & punctuation, but I thought the style was a little too formal for a first person perspective (unless they happen to be British ).

I really appreciate your comments. Part of the reasoning for tags of man/woman was that this story is going to be converted to audio format for a streaming audio site and is almost like a script in that regard. And I realize that the transition can be jarring, but I hope not too distracting. As for the grammar and style, I am far from being British. In fact, about as far as one can get. (I'm a Texan, y'all That in part is a result of the fact that the books that I write for publication are technical books (Computer books written under my real name) and passion and informality are much less desirable in those cases. And besides, contrary to some, I think the British formality is kind of sexy (thinking of my favorite morning radio personality where I live....a sexy British woman whose accent drives me to distraction)

Perhaps I will attempt to rewrite this in third person, just as an exercise and use third person in future stories.

Thanks again for your comments and once I have read your story, I will reply again.

D A

 

[D A Stone]

I would agree with HC, the jumping between the two characters while remaining in the first person in both cases is awkward, plus it leads to unnecessary repetition of the events.

It could work as first person, which is generally easier to write, but then you would have to decide whose perspective would used, limiting what could be presented as to the feelings of the other character.

As I noted already, the switching was indeed to allow me to show the feelings of both characters and to show their feelings about each event. This is in part due to the fact that D A Stone is not one person, but two. We write as a team and the initial draft for this story was written in about 2.5 hours. And again, it is intended that this story be read by a man and a woman for an audio version eventually. But I will consider a revision of the story written in third person to see what I can do with that.

I would have made the entire story third person, since you want to convey the thoughts and emotions of both characters. It's better (but often tricky to maintain a good flow to the story) to imbed the the characters' feelings within the dialogue.


For example, just for the moment when they notice each other, it might flow better with actual names rather than Man/Woman try John/Mary:

"Mary watched John enter, knowing that the handsome man primping in the mirror must be him. He caught her eyes and was embarrassed by her attempt to stifle a giggle. Despite her amusement, she found his concern over his appearance cute. "

Or something like that (it could need some dressing up, but I hope you get my point). It states that interaction succinctly, while yours takes several paragraphs.

IMHO, there is also too much devotion to the inanimate physical details - the setting, the attire, etc. Not that these should be eliminated entirely, but they should only set the mood and be subservient to imparting the emotions and sensations that the characters experience - the elements that make for good erotic writing.

Please don't be dismayed by my criticism, you're well on your way. The grammar and punctuation are good and that's half the battle. Maybe try rewriting the story and resubmitting, the overall story has potential.

Lime

Far from being dismayed, I really appreciate your comments. I am new to writing fiction as I noted, and any help you can give is greatly appreciated. As far as the devotion to the inanimate physical details, I am trying to paint an elaborate picture and I hoped that you notice that as the story progresses and the sexual tension between the characters mounts, the details become fewer and the paragraphs shorter, focusing more on their actions and feelings and less on their surroundings. This was again intentional, but perhaps not as appealing to others as it is to me.

Thanks for your reply. I am especially glad that you think that the story has potential. I am currently working on the second day of the voyage, which includes much more intimacy between the two now that they have had their first sexual encounter and less talking about the location and surroundings. And also a bit less repetition. in the transitions between the perspectives. Once the entire 4 day voyage is completed in the current style, I will think about doing a complete rewrite in third person to tell the same story in that way.

 

[D A Stone]

As promised, I read your story. I notice that you, like me pay a lot of attention to the details of the surroundings. Maybe it's a guy thing. I can't truthfully say that I enjoyed your story, but that is not due to the writing or anything, but the fact that I find the thought of non-consentual sex distasteful. But the level of detail was incredible and I was able to picture in my mind very clearly the setting and the action as the story progressed. I also noted the clean grammar and spelling, a pet peeve of mine. The part of the story that I did find very appealing was the Asian fetish of the hunter, since I also have a fondness for Asian women. I probably would have liked the story if it had been about the hunter helping to fulfill the rape fantasy of a woman, but again, that is because of my distaste for non-consentual sex.

D A

 

[TabooTeller]

Yet another new author requesting the feedback of readers here on a first story. I have written books before, but never fiction, so please bear that in mind. Please also note, that the Man: and Woman: tags in the story represent a shift from the first person perspective of the two main characters from one to another. Here is a link to my story.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=104015



D A Stone

I read most of it and I say not bad. different the way it is done with two POVs. A good difference. A little confusing though. At first woman seemed to be someone he was just going to meet for the first time. Prehaps someoen he has been communcating with online. Then it seemed that they knew each other and could be husband and wife but finally we learn that they had been going out together for while but this was the first time they had had sex. The sex wasn't bad even though I skimmed though it. And I think, except for the confusion I mentioned, its not badly written. I would like at more stories by you.
TabooTeller

 

[BrownCuriousity]

I thought that "Maiden Voyage..." Was a great story, but in fiction, traditionally, (not always with some vanguard works) you dont have to mark the speaking voice of dialogue by Man:/Woman: you don't even have to do that with names unless its a full fledged play. If you'd like to change perspective you can do what I do in my stories, I write one scene in one person's perspective, (separating scenes with * * * )then continue on with that scene or go to a new one entirely with another person's perspective. Not a plug, but just to let you see how I write is one of my stories, Hollywood Hills: My Ex & The Supermodel

But basically its all up to you. The simplest thing to do when starting out with fiction is third person if you really want to get perspectives of all characters involved...

looking forward to reading more...

b.c.

 

[D A Stone]

Re: Re: Requesting feedback on my storyI

I read most of it and I say not bad. different the way it is done with two POVs. A good difference. A little confusing though. At first woman seemed to be someone he was just going to meet for the first time. Prehaps someoen he has been communcating with online. Then it seemed that they knew each other and could be husband and wife but finally we learn that they had been going out together for while but this was the first time they had had sex. The sex wasn't bad even though I skimmed though it. And I think, except for the confusion I mentioned, its not badly written. I would like at more stories by you.
TabooTeller

It was indeed about a couple who had been going out for a while, but hadn't to this point had sex. I'm old fashioned that way I guess. I am currently working on day two of their trip and it will fill in some of the back story, telling how they met and a bit about their previous encounters. The switching POV and Man/Woman tags are there because I am working on an audio version of this story and this is sort of a script for the people who will be reading the story. When all 4 days of the voyage are complete, I am considering doing a complete rewrite of this story in third person to eliminate a lot of the repetition and to still present both points of view. Thank you very much for your comments and look for Maiden Voyage, Day Two hopefully coming soon.

D A

 

[D A Stone]

I thought that "Maiden Voyage..." Was a great story, but in fiction, traditionally, (not always with some vanguard works) you dont have to mark the speaking voice of dialogue by Man:/Woman: you don't even have to do that with names unless its a full fledged play. If you'd like to change perspective you can do what I do in my stories, I write one scene in one person's perspective, (separating scenes with * * * )then continue on with that scene or go to a new one entirely with another person's perspective. Not a plug, but just to let you see how I write is one of my stories, Hollywood Hills: My Ex & The Supermodel

But basically its all up to you. The simplest thing to do when starting out with fiction is third person if you really want to get perspectives of all characters involved...

looking forward to reading more...

b.c.

Although not a full fledged play, it is intended that this will be used as a script for an audio version of the story.

I'm really glad that you liked the story. That of course is the main objective I have in writing them is for people to enjoy. I will work on my technical skills as I learn. Thanks a lot for your comments. Everyone who has replied so far has been a big help.

D A