Requesting feedback on medieval-era supernatural erotica

[MsNotSleeping]

The story's called The Deviant of the Dark Ages and it features vampires, dungeons, magic, and redheads.
It's seven chapters long, though the chapters vary a lot in length. Most are 1-2 pages, which is probably a bit short to justify breaking it up, but I thought it might encourage more feedback on each chapter.

I'm looking for any sort of feedback, really - on the narrative, writing style, characters, world-building, lore, predicaments, fetishes, et cetera. It's not my first piece of erotica, but it's my first attempt at a more plot-oriented one. Anyway, a small excerpt from the first chapter is below, and you can find the rest of the parts from my writer profile.

A young woman swayed gently in the dank air of the cold dungeon cell. She was suspended by her ankles above a large clear cistern, her bare feet spread and locked against the cold stone ceiling by broad chains and heavy shackles. Her long crimson hair dangled inches above the glistening pool, yet was already damp from the thick subterranean air that moistened all it touched. Though the only light in the dim cell came from two wall-mounted candles, the girl's eyes had long since adjusted to the gloom. She could see her reflection in the glassy surface below: a pale girl stared back, her emerald-green eyes sparkling with unshed tears, her countenance shivering with apprehension yet wearing the stoic expression of one who refused to give in to her fear.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-deviant-of-the-dark-ages-ch-01

 

[MsNotSleeping]

Bumpity bump.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Some thoughts on Chapter 1.

Spelling and grammar are generally good but there are some odd word/phrasing choices that break the flow when I'm reading - you have a broad vocabulary but you don't always pick the right nuance. Examples:

A young woman swayed gently through the dank air of the cold dungeon cell

"Through" suggests a direction. First time I read this, I thought you meant she was walking through the cell in a swaying sort of manner; after I realised she was hanging up, I had to come back and reread this. "Swayed in the air" would work better, or perhaps "swayed back and forth through..." if you want to evoke a pendulum. "Gently" is also an odd choice here; it conflicts with the mood of tension you're trying to establish.

Her long crimson hair dangled just above the glistening pool, though it was already damp from the moist subterranean air filling her lungs.

The "it was already damp" made me stumble here - the most recent candidate for "it" is the pool, and pools are often associated with water, so it takes a moment to realise that you're actually talking about the hair.

While I was still stumbling, the "filling her lungs" tripped me up some more. Are you saying that her lungs are moistening the air?...oh, no, you're just telling me the air is damp, and by the way, unrelated to what it's doing to her hair, it's also filling her lungs. Well, she'd be in trouble if it wasn't!

Those last three words seem unnecessary here. A sentence like "Cold, moist air filled her lungs" might work on its own, as something a bit more evocative than "The air was cold and moist" but here it complicates what's already a complex and slightly ambiguous sentence.

Also, "crimson" isn't a natural hair colour; it implies dye, which I don't think is your intent here.

A vampire with a particularly kinky personality, as it happened

"Kinky" breaks the mood for me here. It's better than calling him "freaky" but still doesn't fit in well with the ancient-evil-vampire theme here. "Warped", "twisted", "perverted", something like that might be a better fit for what you're aiming to say. "Kinky" makes me think of rubber chickens and guys in French maids' outfits

In truth, it was her hair—of all things—that had drawn him to her, for the ancient vampire had heard there was unrivalled power in those rare women of blood-red hair.

The "In truth" construct doesn't work here; it's a link that's not linking anything.

It would make sense if you had something like "she thought he'd kidnapped her for her trust fund; in truth, it was her hair". Otherwise, just delete those two words.

I also had trouble with the lighting levels throughout this section: we're told that it's dim, just two candles, and yet she can see the colour of her own eyes and even while underwater she can see him walking around the tank.

It was a cold night in the rustic village of Lumina. The locals liked to call it the city of light, yet nothing could be further from the truth: it was a small town with fewer residents than trees and nights that were darker than anywhere else. The shadowy alleyways attracted equally dark individuals—it was not uncommon for unlucky townsfolk to go missing entirely.

This leaves me confused about the size of the place. If it's a rustic village with only a few residents, presumably people can't go missing that often or there'd be nobody left?

Also, why are they calling it a city if it's so small? Is this a Mt. Wycheproof thing, or is there a history to that name, or...?

She was not an imminently attractive woman

"Eminently", I think.

Her skin tone was remarkably well-bronzed for a citizen of Lumina—a detail that, to any sober local, would immediately betray her as a foreigner.

If it's a small town, wouldn't they already know?

Got to go now, but I hope that's of some use to you.

 

[MsNotSleeping]

Thank you. Some very helpful feedback there. I agree there's some poor wording choices, and the "feel" of the language is always something I struggle to keep consistent - not too formal, not too informal.
I'll fix up those parts you pointed out though in the the next update.

I realise crimson/blood-red isn't a natural hair colour, but I'm making it out to be a rare mutation that a select few people have. Creative license.

And to me "kinky" is synonymous with "deviant" or "unusual" but with a sexual connotation. But I suppose what that entails is different for everyone, especially for the people reading this story (who I'd expect have more exposure to kinky things than most).

"Eminently", I think.

Funny story, I actually had eminently to begin with, but in one of my proof-reading checks I saw it and thought it must be wrong. xD

As for the size of Lumina... I agree, it seems a little inconsistent. My intention was a smallish town where most (but not all) people know each other - a population in the low hundreds. If you imagine there's a house to every 3 or 4 people, that's still a hundred or so houses and thus plenty of alleyways between them. When a person goes missing - say, every few months - their absence is felt, unlike in a large city where it might go unnoticed. And so word gets around that there's something creepy going on, but like Gotham people stubbornly continue living there anyway.
Now, I could explain some of this logic in the story, but I think it would be unnecessary filler that people can fill in themselves.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I realise crimson/blood-red isn't a natural hair colour, but I'm making it out to be a rare mutation that a select few people have. Creative license.

Ah, okay. That's fine, but if you're doing something like that it might be an idea to flag it as a deliberate choice when you introduce it. Something like "the most unusual thing about her was her hair, a quite remarkable shade of crimson".

Otherwise it leaves me, as a reader, trying to figure out "is this creative license or just a mistake?"

Once upon a time I was reading a famous spy thriller by an author who I'd never read before, and partway through the story Our Hero talks to a geologist who mentions that he's been digging up fossils... on a volcanic island. When I encountered it, I didn't know whether to take it as "geologist is a phony and this is an important clue" or "author didn't do his research". Turned out to be the former, but I had to read quite a bit further to find that out.

And to me "kinky" is synonymous with "deviant" or "unusual" but with a sexual connotation. But I suppose what that entails is different for everyone, especially for the people reading this story (who I'd expect have more exposure to kinky things than most).

It kinda is, but with different baggage. In particular, it's a much more modern-sounding word: the "sexually perverted" meaning is not documented earlier than 1959.

As for the size of Lumina... I agree, it seems a little inconsistent. My intention was a smallish town where most (but not all) people know each other - a population in the low hundreds. If you imagine there's a house to every 3 or 4 people, that's still a hundred or so houses and thus plenty of alleyways between them.

I'm probably more nitpicky than the average reader, so much of this is going to be a non-issue for a lot of others. Also, I appreciate that not everybody cares about whether the setting of the erotica they're reading has a functioning political system and economy, but here goes...

In a medieval context, "Town" and "village" are different things. The difference depends on time and place, but for something like medieval England: a town is more of a legal entity that has the power to make its own laws, whereas a village is pretty much just a collection of houses that's probably under the rule of some feudal lord.

Towns tend to be larger (but it's not just size - large villages can be bigger than small towns) and they're more likely to do manufacturing and large-scale trading; villages are more agrarian. A town might have walls or something similar, but a village probably won't.

You're not likely to find dark alleys in a village, because there's not much reason for people to pack houses close together; even the ones who aren't just farmers will often be growing their own food/keeping livestock/etc and they need space to do that. In a town land becomes more expensive, especially if you're trying to stay inside the walls, so people build closer together and they build second floors.

A town is also more likely to have things like a tavern or even an inn. (If you're stopping overnight in a small village, you're probably just going to pay one of the locals to stay in their place, rather than having specialised accommodation for travellers).

When a person goes missing - say, every few months - their absence is felt, unlike in a large city where it might go unnoticed. And so word gets around that there's something creepy going on, but like Gotham people stubbornly continue living there anyway.

This works OK for a town of several hundred or more. Say 600 people, life expectancy 50 years for those who survive infancy = average 12 deaths per year. A few mysterious disappearances per year is enough to be noticed but not enough to wipe the place out, especially if they're mostly travellers who don't know to stay away from those alleys.

To me, "rustic village" suggested a population of maybe a hundred. At that size, Mysterious Disappearances every few months are going to be the major cause of death, and that sort of loss isn't going to be sustainable.

All in all, the way you've described Lumina, I think it works better as a smallish town than a village - although it will presumably have neighbouring villages, because it needs somebody to grow its food and somewhere to sell the goods it produces.

BTW, for people who enjoy fictional demography as much as I do (which is not many people), here's a site that I've found useful for medieval world-building: S. John Ross's Medieval Demographics page. The list of businesses is handy as inspiration - who knew bucklemakers were more common than blacksmiths?

Now, I could explain some of this logic in the story, but I think it would be unnecessary filler that people can fill in themselves.

Oh yeah, I don't need an encyclopaedia entry on the setting! It's fine to leave gaps for the reader to fill in. Just that whatever you do present needs to be consistent, and here I think the "rustic village" doesn't work well with everything else you tell us about the place.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Thank you. Some very helpful feedback there. I agree there's some poor wording choices, and the "feel" of the language is always something I struggle to keep consistent - not too formal, not too informal.
I'll fix up those parts you pointed out though in the the next update.

I realise crimson/blood-red isn't a natural hair colour, but I'm making it out to be a rare mutation that a select few people have. Creative license.

And to me "kinky" is synonymous with "deviant" or "unusual" but with a sexual connotation. But I suppose what that entails is different for everyone, especially for the people reading this story (who I'd expect have more exposure to kinky things than most).


Funny story, I actually had eminently to begin with, but in one of my proof-reading checks I saw it and thought it must be wrong. xD

As for the size of Lumina... I agree, it seems a little inconsistent. My intention was a smallish town where most (but not all) people know each other - a population in the low hundreds. If you imagine there's a house to every 3 or 4 people, that's still a hundred or so houses and thus plenty of alleyways between them. When a person goes missing - say, every few months - their absence is felt, unlike in a large city where it might go unnoticed. And so word gets around that there's something creepy going on, but like Gotham people stubbornly continue living there anyway.
Now, I could explain some of this logic in the story, but I think it would be unnecessary filler that people can fill in themselves.

I live in what could be termed a 'rustic' community, deep in rural England, with a population of about 600, and if people started going missing regularly, the place would be in uproar; small-town people tend to all come from a web of interrelated families, so a place like Lumina would, unless there was a constant influx of strangers who then disappear, most likely be composed of large family groups, who are in turn related to other large family group, and the news that one or more people from any of these groups has gone missing would get around at the speed of gossip. There would be no sense that 'something's going on', there would be widespread alarm.

 

[MsNotSleeping]

I live in what could be termed a 'rustic' community, deep in rural England, with a population of about 600, and if people started going missing regularly, the place would be in uproar; small-town people tend to all come from a web of interrelated families, so a place like Lumina would, unless there was a constant influx of strangers who then disappear, most likely be composed of large family groups, who are in turn related to other large family group, and the news that one or more people from any of these groups has gone missing would get around at the speed of gossip. There would be no sense that 'something's going on', there would be widespread alarm.

True, in today's world. But in a medieval setting where witch hunts were still a thing and the quality of life was generally poor, people would be more concerned about their own welfare than a distant relation's. And the idea that those disappearances could have a supernatural cause would be a real fear, unlike today where we'd know it's just ordinary criminals.

BTW, for people who enjoy fictional demography as much as I do (which is not many people), here's a site that I've found useful for medieval world-building: S. John Ross's Medieval Demographics page. The list of businesses is handy as inspiration - who knew bucklemakers were more common than blacksmiths?

Thanks for that, I'll have a read of it later.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

True, in today's world. But in a medieval setting where witch hunts were still a thing and the quality of life was generally poor, people would be more concerned about their own welfare than a distant relation's. And the idea that those disappearances could have a supernatural cause would be a real fear, unlike today where we'd know it's just ordinary criminals.



Thanks for that, I'll have a read of it later.

I disagree; witch-hunts came about because entire communities vented their suspicions or spite on the unfortunate individual who was eventually tried as a witch, not one or two individuals feeling vaguely that something funny was going on (interestingly, there were no witch-hunts in England or Scotland during the middle ages; they mostly took place in the 17th century, and those that were convicted were hanged, not burned; there is no historical evidence to back up claims that witches were burned up and down the country, it never happened).

Isolated communities knew what's going on around them all too well, the people didn't live in isolation from their neighbors, at least not like they do now. With modern communications and education, and fast, safe transport and an efficient road system, the need to band together as a single community has largely disappeared; 700 years ago, it was a different story; then the people around you were frequently all you would ever see; long-distance travel was almost impossible unless one was prepared to walk for days, so people stayed put, and knew everyone.

In the historic middle-ages, anyone suspected of misdeeds was dealt with by the whole community, usually with the suspicions or machinations of a few needed to kick the whole thing off; wives punished for nagging, men played the rough music to humiliate them for neglecting or injuring their wives and children, and these punishments were enacted by the entire community, not one or two aggrieved individuals.

In medieval villages and hamlets, the only law was that imposed by the local lord, or if there was none, then by the community itself. A medieval (or cod-medieval) community such as you have described is and would be a definite community, not a collection of individuals living in fearful isolation from each other.

 

[CyranoJ]

Hiya! I'm new around here, so be gentle. Or not. I like it both ways.

Anyway, the story's called The Deviant of the Dark Ages and it features vampires, dungeons, magic, and redheads.

Having finally had a chance to read all of it, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed it; the image of the villain's "trophies" in his wardrobe will certainly stick with me. There were times when I felt like maybe you could have slowed down and let the erotic elements "breathe" a little more, but that's strictly a matter of taste. I enjoyed and liked the heroines -- and that they eventually got to have something of a "happy" ending -- and thought the prose craft was solid. And I particularly liked that you left it open for Annabeth and Fira to have further adventures.

(Oh, and it's a nitpick, but the others have a point about needing to pick a plausible scale for Lumina. Far from a dealbreaker, though.)

BTW, for people who enjoy fictional demography as much as I do (which is not many people), here's a site that I've found useful for medieval world-building: S. John Ross's Medieval Demographics page.

http://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd107/RobertDobolinaEsq/802226.gif

I was just going to link this page! Ahhh, you're a Litster after my own heart.

 

[MsNotSleeping]

The updated chapter finally went live. Let me know what you think:
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-deviant-of-the-dark-ages-ch-01