Requesting feedback for reluctance story

[YummyTiger]

Hello,

My first story just got approved and has been posted (yay!). I would appreciate any feedback and don't worry, I can handle constructive criticism.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=375137

Thanks!
YummyTiger

 

[Intercontinental]

Well written - but wordy

A well written piece, possibly too wordy for my tastes.The scene setting was good, but you were half way through the first page before they exchanged names!

As you launched into the sex it also lacked a gear change to up the pace.

 

[SpicyPepper]

I also found it a bit wordy, especially the photography lead up.

Also, you wrote this:

The jeans continued their slow descent down her legs and when they reached her ankles, Katy stepped free. My head turned upwards and I admired her exquisite physique. A rational man would have stopped there, but I was far past rational.

Really? A rational man would stop there? I highly doubt it!

Maybe in your next story when you're using thoughts, instead of 'I want to do you,' with semi-quotes you could use italics; I want to do you.

Also, fear of pregnancy in any story kinda kills the mood. I think the ending could have been better if you had skipped the "I'm not on the pill!" part, and just left the last paragraphs of her leaving.

Other than that, it's a pretty good story, I liked reading it.

 

[mellowgyrl]

So...I liked the story...

It didn't have that underlying violence or threat really that most non-con stories have. I found it fairly believable. When I read everybody else's posts about it being wordy I thought I'd disagree but after reading it I understand where they are coming from. I think you can be descriptive and give background without being too verbous. I think a lot of the beginning could be eliminated. I understand you wanted to explain how Jasper ended up with the camera equipment but I think it could have been done and the point conveyed with far less words.

There was something missing though between Jasper and Katy. I'm not sure but I think Jasper needed to want Katy a bit more. I mean, I understand he went thru all that of setting up the studio and printing business cards but it just seemed like he was doing it just to be doing it...not because he wanted to bone the hell out of Katy. Also, and I could be wrong and if I am I apologize but the enticing part (I'm sure there is one) to non-con is the fact that the "victim" (for lack of a better word) doesn't think he/she really wants to get treated or have sex w/the "attacker" but secretly he/she does. I didn't see/feel really how much Katy wanted it in the end. For instance: She defiantly met my gaze and started to struggle, trying to push me out. We stared at each other in silence, neither of us wanting to back down. She faltered first, releasing a frustrated sigh and turning away. and Katy didn't argue, probably just wanting to get it over with and I slid comfortably back onto the couch. Her lithe young body straddled me and when I told her to put me in, she shot me dangerous look before guiding me to her opening. Yes, she caves in to him but not for an instant do you think she remotely liked any of it...

Just my 2 cents. I think it was a very well written story and look forward to reading more of your work!

 

[YummyTiger]

Thanks!

Thanks for the feedback! Since I rarely show anyone my work, this is helpful.

Cut, cut, cut. In the words of Steven King, second draft = first draft - 10%! I am seeing that a common thread in the feedback; too wordy! I did meet my 10%, but apparently it could have used more.

I have a few questions for you guys/gals.

Intercontinental: What do you mean by, "As you launched into the sex it also lacked a gear change to up the pace."

I tried to show Jasper slowly convince Katy into more and more. I am taking this to mean that you found the process too slow?

Spicy Pepper: The rational man comment was in light of someone who is convincing this girl to strip and fears pushing her too far. I guess I saw it as a rational man would have feared her reaction at going for her panties and would have stopped. I see this is not how you read it. I always find it interesting how different people read things differently. I could definitely change the wording.

Also regarding the italics. I have had two editors tell me now to avoid italics. I used to always use them, but now am leaning away from doing so. Was the semi-quotes distracting? Honestly, I try to avoid using thoughts like this all together now, but sometimes they still worm their way in.

mellowgyrl: I have always been a fan of a girl reluctantly agreeing to do something, even though she doesn't really want to. I tried to portray that Katy did not exactly hate it and it was pleasureable, but if she had the choice she would have never had sex with Jasper. Is that how it came across to you?

Finally, to all: Regarding the beginning, did you find it unnecessary to explain Jasper's position. I wrote this with the intent of showing the reader that Jasper was new to this and Katy was his first attempt to do anything like it. So he was just as nervous as she was. Would you read the story differently without knowing that Jasper had never really used a camera?

I am glad to hear that alot found it somewhat well written and hopefully enjoyed it. It has a 4.26 rating so that is not too shabby (would have liked a 4.50, but you can't always get what you want ). Either way, this has been a good learning experience so far. Thanks!

 

[mellowgyrl]

Also regarding the italics. I have had two editors tell me now to avoid italics. I used to always use them, but now am leaning away from doing so. Was the semi-quotes distracting? Honestly, I try to avoid using thoughts like this all together now, but sometimes they still worm their way in.

mellowgyrl: I have always been a fan of a girl reluctantly agreeing to do something, even though she doesn't really want to. I tried to portray that Katy did not exactly hate it and it was pleasureable, but if she had the choice she would have never had sex with Jasper. Is that how it came across to you?

Finally, to all: Regarding the beginning, did you find it unnecessary to explain Jasper's position. I wrote this with the intent of showing the reader that Jasper was new to this and Katy was his first attempt to do anything like it. So he was just as nervous as she was. Would you read the story differently without knowing that Jasper had never really used a camera?

Yeah, I wasn't sure about italics either but my editor said it was the preferred method for conveying thoughts. I personally foudn the semi-quotes distracting because I have to re-read the sentence (and sometimes the enitre paragraph) to be able to understand what is being said/thought.

I understand she wouldn't have have had sex with Jasper under normal circumstances. That's clear. I don't know...it just seemed to me (and I could very well be wrong) that there wasn't that umpf! You know? That desire...that craving. If a man/woman is going to take sex from somebody there has to be this driving force...this desire...even if they don't desire the person per se just the control or whatever...that craving should be conveyed (again just my opinion and I'm no expert so please don't hold me to this). I just saw a lot of potential in the story and to me it fell a little short because that desire was missing.

I'm lost on your last question...

 

[SpicyPepper]

Spicy Pepper: The rational man comment was in light of someone who is convincing this girl to strip and fears pushing her too far. I guess I saw it as a rational man would have feared her reaction at going for her panties and would have stopped. I see this is not how you read it. I always find it interesting how different people read things differently. I could definitely change the wording.

Also regarding the italics. I have had two editors tell me now to avoid italics. I used to always use them, but now am leaning away from doing so. Was the semi-quotes distracting? Honestly, I try to avoid using thoughts like this all together now, but sometimes they still worm their way in.

mellowgyrl: I have always been a fan of a girl reluctantly agreeing to do something, even though she doesn't really want to. I tried to portray that Katy did not exactly hate it and it was pleasureable, but if she had the choice she would have never had sex with Jasper. Is that how it came across to you?

Finally, to all: Regarding the beginning, did you find it unnecessary to explain Jasper's position. I wrote this with the intent of showing the reader that Jasper was new to this and Katy was his first attempt to do anything like it. So he was just as nervous as she was. Would you read the story differently without knowing that Jasper had never really used a camera?

I found the semi-quotes very distracting so I'm not sure who your editors are, but I definitely prefer reading italics because then I'm CERTAIN that it's thoughts.

Maybe you don't need to justify what a rational man would do. It doesn't matter because realistically no rational man is going to set up an entire studio just to sleep with a hot neighbour.

I think it's great that you set it up so Katy doesn't really want to have sex with Jasper, but without some other driving force, I think that's where the story sort of sinks a bit.
Maybe if she keeps saying no and he actually forces her more, perhaps ties her up a bit and photographs her like that before he fucks her?
If you want to keep it a bit more mellow, maybe you could make her more aroused during the actual sex...
I'm speaking for myself but it's not really fun to read a story where the one getting fucked doesn't really like it but does it because she's mostly coerced - and have it end there.
There needs to be more force either from Katy actually enjoying it or Jasper making Katy accept what's being done.

Also, I don't think it matters whether Jasper has ever used a camera or not.
You could start the story with Jasper giving Katy the business card and just write a few short sentences about how couldn't wait to use his new equipment, or his friend just gave him this equipment and he didn't know what to do with it until he sees Katy. That sparks his interest in photography or something like that...

These are just some suggestions, but like I said, it's pretty decent story.

I hope you like these ideas!