Request for feedback

[white_mage_goddess]

This is my first story and I wrote it for myself to help remember a real life experience. I know it needs some polishing and I would appreciate any constructive criticism.

My first attempt at writing: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=83694
(by white_mage_goddess, "Late Night Lessons" BDSM)

 

[Victoria Veiss]

Thank you for your feedback, white_mage_goddess; I like to return favors, and I hope this will be helpful in some way.

Although I have read a fair amount of D/s material, I confess that it does not ring my chimes very loudly. This is not bad as the genre runs. I enjoyed aspects of the domination and details such as the double penetration. The description gets the action across well.

There are some areas of punctuation and usage that you could polish; I noticed some dropped commas, for example, and although this may be a personal bias of mine, I prefer 'come' to 'cum'.

You say this was a transcription of a real encounter, and it sounds like it; it reads like a recital of events. If you mean to turn this into a full-fledged story, you will have to introduce some element of conflict--something that will make a plot, however simple.

You have the basic situation of the 'slave' struggling to obey her 'master', but that isn't developed to any extent. She seems eager to obey, and he seems eager to command. She never rebels or even thinks of doing so, and she follows every instruction to the letter. Such things as her orgasming without permission are not story conflicts--they are just details of that sort of sexual scenario. The same goes for the small transgressions that her 'master' proceeds to punish.

The sex is fine in and of itself, but sex is all it is. I don't learn anything substantial about either participant and I have no idea how this particular encounter will affect their lives, if at all. That may be sufficient for your needs, or it may not. I am not advocating sprawl or digressions from the sexual act in a short erotic story. But in order to have a genuine fire to the narrative, there needs to be something going on other than the sex, something on another level that will give it meaning in a larger context.

Vicky

 

[white_mage_goddess]

Thank you very much for such detailed feedback.

There are some areas of punctuation and usage that you could polish; I noticed some dropped commas, for example, and although this may be a personal bias of mine, I prefer 'come' to 'cum'.

Yes, I'm quite bad with commas usually and of course the come/cum thing is a neverending debate around here...I really have no bias either way.


You say this was a transcription of a real encounter, and it sounds like it; it reads like a recital of events. If you mean to turn this into a full-fledged story, you will have to introduce some element of conflict--something that will make a plot, however simple.

Your right on that...I never intended a story in the sense of a beginning, middle, end with a plot and such. I tend to write in what I call "snapshots." And of course I originally wrote it just purely to help me remember the encounter so that when I'm 80 I can reread it and remember what I was like.

You have the basic situation of the 'slave' struggling to obey her 'master', but that isn't developed to any extent. She seems eager to obey, and he seems eager to command. She never rebels or even thinks of doing so, and she follows every instruction to the letter. Such things as her orgasming without permission are not story conflicts--they are just details of that sort of sexual scenario. The same goes for the small transgressions that her 'master' proceeds to punish.

Exactly. I was trying to just give a peek into my life and all and since there was never any conflict in real life, I didn't put one in the story.

The sex is fine in and of itself, but sex is all it is. I don't learn anything substantial about either participant and I have no idea how this particular encounter will affect their lives, if at all. That may be sufficient for your needs, or it may not. I am not advocating sprawl or digressions from the sexual act in a short erotic story. But in order to have a genuine fire to the narrative, there needs to be something going on other than the sex, something on another level that will give it meaning in a larger context.

I agree with you. That's the difference again in writing with yourself as your main audience. I knew all about the characters and their lives, so I didn't mention all of that. I may go back and revamp it for the general audience when I get a chance. I posted mostly just for the hell of it, to see what people would say. I'm actually much more of a poet and writing prose has always been exceptionally difficult for me, but I'm trying to get better.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

For a first story, I thought it was a pretty competent job on the whole. The way you add the background is a bit clumsy though. You may want to ask yourself just how much background we need to know about your characters before you can go with the action. I would say probably a sentence would do.

I wonder why you gave us that little disclaimer about this being an event from real life. Is it supposed to add spice to the story (it probably does) or is it supposed to excuse you from the demands of fiction as art (it doesn't)? I suspect you just wanted us to take it easy on you as a first time auuthor (I will, mainly because I'm a sucker for your AVm but that's my problem).

I've read other stories of this ilk: a sub being ordered to serve as her master's surrogate via phone or PC, and it always seems to me that the author is flirting with the edge of self-parody. Certainly one can masutrbate on command, but isn't the idea of beating oneself or hurting oneself a little strange? I think you actually managed to pull it off fairly well, but still, that's some risky territory. I think what saves you is the fact that you shoxe to tellk the story in third person rather than first person, which gives it a certain opjectivity.

---dr.M.

 

[white_mage_goddess]

Thank you so much for your feedback

For a first story, I thought it was a pretty competent job on the whole. The way you add the background is a bit clumsy though. You may want to ask yourself just how much background we need to know about your characters before you can go with the action. I would say probably a sentence would do.

Your probably right on that one...since the story isn't about character development I don't guess the audience needs to know much about the characters.

I wonder why you gave us that little disclaimer about this being an event from real life. Is it supposed to add spice to the story (it probably does) or is it supposed to excuse you from the demands of fiction as art (it doesn't)? I suspect you just wanted us to take it easy on you as a first time auuthor (I will, mainly because I'm a sucker for your AVm but that's my problem).

True on both accounts...I wanted people to know I wasn't trying to write fiction..I was trying to describe a real life event...but yes, since I'm not much of a writer (when it comes to stories least ways) I did want to hopefully try to keep from being bashed too much.

Glad to know you liked my AV

I've read other stories of this ilk: a sub being ordered to serve as her master's surrogate via phone or PC, and it always seems to me that the author is flirting with the edge of self-parody. Certainly one can masutrbate on command, but isn't the idea of beating oneself or hurting oneself a little strange? I think you actually managed to pull it off fairly well, but still, that's some risky territory. I think what saves you is the fact that you shoxe to tellk the story in third person rather than first person, which gives it a certain opjectivity.

---dr.M. [/B]

I take it your not into d/s? It can be a difficult concept for one to understand if they've never gotten into exploring power play...Me personally, I'm both masochistic and submissive.... I don't find the idea of beating myself strange at all...Because I'm a masochist and I enjoy pain, I incorporate pain into my masturbation whether anyone is listening or not. Because I'm submissive (usually) I enjoy it more when my b/f is on the phone telling me to do it because I like being dominated so much.

I guess it does seem strange to people "on the outside" but I personally don't think it odd at all....Hey we've all got our little kinks!

Thanks again for the feedback though...I"m not sure if I should persue erotic story writing or not...maybe with practice I'd get better, but then maybe its just not my thing.......