Request For Feedback

[irvingsmusings]

Hi, my name is irvingsmusings. My first story on Literotica has just been posted. It is in Nonconsent/Reluctance, and is about 13,000 words. I'd be very grateful for any feedback, especially constructive criticism that would help me become a better writer.

https://www.literotica.com/s/amanda-cia-agent-ch-01

 

[yowser]

Sorry no one has gotten back to your request earlier, this forum is often fairly quick, but not always.

Two caveats to consider carefully when you review my remarks. This not an especially appealing category for me, so your intended audience is likely to be both far more forgiving than I, and more attracted to the nature of your content. Second, I am an extraordinarily fussy reader/editor-type, so don't take my nit-picking too seriously, you just got unlucky with me as your ‘first responder.’ Writing is hard work, and you should be pleased by generating a worthy first effort here.

But you asked for feedback:

Your overall writing mechanics are sound, certainly better than average here, and you articulate your story clearly and decisively, both good qualities. Dialog is clear, and you often use it to good effect, moving the tale along and relaying the nature of the characters speaking. I could quibble about comma usage but won't.

However, the main character suffers from some real problems. She reads like a female lead written by a male. There is no getting around this and I say this with full knowledge of how difficult it can be to write a character of the other sex.

Your MC is indisputably handsome, with perhaps more physical descriptions of charms than necessary. Okay, we get it, she's drop-dead gorgeous, you can hint at this without going to extremes.

I have never met a woman without some insecurities about at least some parts of her body, so your MC seems unrealistic, with no admission of appearance flaws or internal awareness of self. Elaborating on how she is 'really smart' as well as 'stunning' somehow doesn't compensate. [She was young and fit, and she would never be more attractive.]: I don't know of any woman who would make this assertion. Similar phrases about her attending to her 'feminine hygiene' don't work.

I don't have good suggestions for how to do this, it is not easy to capture the other sex's mindset without some real effort. Have female readers take a look at your characterisations? Read more stories from a female POV to get a flavour of what works and doesn't? I have had to work at this myself.

I think you could generate a lot more tension by separating your (long) interviews into shorter multi-part ones. If you are getting hired by the govt. it takes forever, with background checks, multiple interviews, etc. and you could gain the benefit of increasingly ratcheted-up tension (I think one of your story's goals) by doing a series of shorter interviews, with the interrogator getting increasingly nosy/manipulative, etc.

Your govt. interviewers similarly don't quite resonate. Questions get asked right off the bat that never would in real life. Maybe after a series of interviews, but these questionings don't work for me. I cannot imagine an interviewer ever saying: "You have such regal bone structure" or "You have the most unbelievable tits."

It is an interesting story line, one that will likely appeal to a number of folks (you have already noticed that your voting scores and comments are hugely positive) but I think further stories will benefit from the following (most of these comments can apply to the vast majority of Lit stories, not just yours):

Cut drastically. You can achieve your tension/interest goals by paring down a lot of description and extraneous information. This story would work so much better if a quarter shorter.

The more you can 'show not tell' will improve everything. You do this well sometimes, but could do more. Rather than mentioning your MC's 'steely determination' or that she felt 'extremely uncomfortable' you could show this by actions or subtle movements, reactions, behaviors.

I liked how you described her experiences with the priest, you caught this carefully and evocatively.

Your characters have room to grow and develop, that's good. The more three-dimensional you can make them will help the story a lot.

I'll take another read and get back to you with more feedback if I have anything further to add.

A promising start, I hope you keep at it, it is fun to see your work out there in the world to be read and enjoyed, and a pleasure to be able to create.

 

[SisterJezabel]

I read the story last night, despite the warning re humiliation. I think the story has a good premise, but the whole Catholic guilt thing was a little much. I also hate seeing characters labelled as 'feminist' because it is usually used in a pejorative way. You say she is a feminist, then dress her in clothes for an interview that are designed to show off her features. Whilst I position myself as a feminist, and am more than willing to dress for the male gaze at times, the descriptions of her wardrobe were then lost with the description of no makeup yada yada.

The language and grammar was, on the whole, fantastic and you obviously have talent as a writer, but you have chosen a genre wrought with minefields for your first story!

 

[irvingsmusings]

Dear Yowser,

Thank you for such a helpful and insight-laden critique. I’m grateful for the time you invested, particularly since this isn’t a category you enjoy.

Your points are all well taken, especially those about writing for the opposite sex. I have struggled with this. You’ve provided several excellent suggestions for how to improve.

I agree, the govt. comments would never be said in real life. My intent was actually to shock with the inappropriateness of these statements, e.g., “unbelievable tits,” to convey the evil of the speakers, but I see this needs more work to make it effective.

Thank you for the reminder about ‘show not tell’, and for all your encouragement.




Dear SisterJezabel,

Thank you for taking the time to read my story (I’m now getting a fuller appreciation of how much of an ask that is for some readers), and for providing such helpful commentary.

I now see my handling of the ‘feminist’ dimension of Amanda was clumsy and poorly executed. Perhaps I’m not the only man to believe himself enlightened, only to reveal himself to need remedial training in empathy and understanding. I will try to do better.

In her first interview, I was actually trying to have Amanda avoid dressing for the male gaze (business suit w/modest skirt) in her first interview, only to be pressed to the other extreme by her evil future employers. ‘No makeup’ was intended to convey ‘none needed’ and ‘attempted modesty’ but I see how this (quite unintentionally) echoed a pejorative trope. I’ll need to correct this and look for a way to make the broader point more effectively.

Unfortunately, I fear the entire premise of the story – a beautiful woman exploited by a series of evil men, where this exploitation is eroticized - may be offensive to many readers, and it gets worse in the future chapters. I don’t think I can fix that problem, so I may need to include a better warning about that at the beginning.

Thank you for all the constructive feedback and encouragement.

 

[yowser]

There was an interesting thread a bit ago on the issue of males writing from the female perspective.

Some provocative comments: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1526719

 

[irvingsmusings]

Thanks for the very helpful thread, Yowser!