fantaseeboy
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NotWise
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I'm not tempted to read the next three. Your characters don't appeal to me.
I think the story would have been better if you'd written the dialogue instead of describing the dialogue. You could have used dialogue in place of the info dump at the beginning. Even after the beginning, the story is little more than a narrative, and it covers a period of time that is only slightly longer than it takes to read it, which makes it seem pretty insignificant.
You say your male character is twenty two (and you should spell the number instead of using 22), lives alone, and drives a car. However, his physical description and behavior describe a young teen. I got tired of reading about his "lil" parts. The word is "little." I wasn't surprised that one of your commenters related a similar story from when he was ten.
I considered reporting this story to Laurel for underage content.
I could tell right away that the subject matter wasn't going to appeal to me. Only having read the first few paragraphs and skimmed a few more, I can't say too much about the story itself, other than it seemed reasonably well-written, apart from one comma splice that I noticed.
But I disagree with some of the criticisms made by NotWise here and in the anonymous comment he left on the story.
I don't think there's any problem with using words like "lil" in a first-person narrative. Since the main character is speaking directly to the audience, his narration is essentially dialogue. It's fine for a first-person narrator to speak in his or her own voice, including using some slang (though, as with regular dialogue, going overboard with slang can be annoying). In this case, the use of the word "lil" would seem to fit the tone of the story.
I also don't think there's any problem, in a first-person narrative, with describing (and paraphrasing) dialogue rather than reporting it directly in quotes. Too much directly-quoted dialogue in first-person can come off as artificial and writer-y. Whereas describing it in less precise terms can create a sense of realism, since that's how people tend to relate anecdotes in real life. That said, I didn't read enough of this particular story to have an opinion on how the dialogue was handled.
As for the age thing...the physical description of the main character did raise my eyebrows, although from the little I read, he seemed psychologically adult-ish. And there are adults with those physical characteristics, so I wouldn't flag it as obviously underage material. It may be pushing the limit, though.
But I disagree with some of the criticisms made by NotWise here and in the anonymous comment he left on the story.
I don't think there's any problem with using words like "lil" in a first-person narrative. Since the main character is speaking directly to the audience, his narration is essentially dialogue. It's fine for a first-person narrator to speak in his or her own voice, including using some slang (though, as with regular dialogue, going overboard with slang can be annoying). In this case, the use of the word "lil" would seem to fit the tone of the story.
I also don't think there's any problem, in a first-person narrative, with describing (and paraphrasing) dialogue rather than reporting it directly in quotes. Too much directly-quoted dialogue in first-person can come off as artificial and writer-y. Whereas describing it in less precise terms can create a sense of realism, since that's how people tend to relate anecdotes in real life. That said, I didn't read enough of this particular story to have an opinion on how the dialogue was handled.
As for the age thing...the physical description of the main character did raise my eyebrows, although from the little I read, he seemed psychologically adult-ish. And there are adults with those physical characteristics, so I wouldn't flag it as obviously underage material. It may be pushing the limit, though.
NotWise
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You're welcome to disagree with me, but I did not leave the comment on the story. It may have been from someone else who commented in response to this request for feedback, but it wasn't me.
yukonnights
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I read the entire story. The technical aspects of it are in the B grade scale in my view. Better than a lot, but you could probably dig deeper and make deeper stories—if you're so inclined.
I glanced at several of your stories, the obvious thing is; You are writing to your fetish of young weak young men. It's impossible for me to say there is anything wrong with that, based on the overall reception you're getting. But eventually a pile of similar stories may loose the punch and freshness.
Based on your story list and the decent ratings you have an appreciative following—but again, it also doesn't appeal to many readers. In general, it seems that the only tension you bring into this kind of story is the inner weakness of the young male protagonist. (I obviously haven't read all of them, so take that with a grain of salt and a shot of tequila
)
It's your call to write what you want, you write well enough. Not sure what you were looking for in the request for feedback. My main input is maybe think about trying something different at some point if expanding your skill set is something you want.
I glanced at several of your stories, the obvious thing is; You are writing to your fetish of young weak young men. It's impossible for me to say there is anything wrong with that, based on the overall reception you're getting. But eventually a pile of similar stories may loose the punch and freshness.
Based on your story list and the decent ratings you have an appreciative following—but again, it also doesn't appeal to many readers. In general, it seems that the only tension you bring into this kind of story is the inner weakness of the young male protagonist. (I obviously haven't read all of them, so take that with a grain of salt and a shot of tequila
)It's your call to write what you want, you write well enough. Not sure what you were looking for in the request for feedback. My main input is maybe think about trying something different at some point if expanding your skill set is something you want.
Andrew1968
Really Experienced
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Cheers
Last edited:
NotWise
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The author has been posting stories on Lit since 2007. So I guess he could be under eighteen if he started before he was six years old.
NoJo
Happily Marred
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Ok, I read this story and another one of yours, because I thought I was going to get a little femdom action, which turns me on.
But you write "malesub", not femdom stories: They're very much concerned with narrator himself, not the dynamic between the protagonists. And that's a problem: As others have posted above, there's no tension, just a sort of self-indulgent fulfilment of the narrator's desire to be weak.
My first suggestion: Don't use first person narrative. That will enable you to tell the external story, not just what goes on the narrator's head (and endocrine system).
Second suggestion: Write some dialogue, to avoid it reading like a police report. This will also force you to give the protagonists some character.
As I said, unlike others here, I like reading stories about weak male characters. But those stories need a little more tension than the ones I've read of yours (not necessarily non-consent, but perhaps a little more reluctance).
But you write "malesub", not femdom stories: They're very much concerned with narrator himself, not the dynamic between the protagonists. And that's a problem: As others have posted above, there's no tension, just a sort of self-indulgent fulfilment of the narrator's desire to be weak.
My first suggestion: Don't use first person narrative. That will enable you to tell the external story, not just what goes on the narrator's head (and endocrine system).
Second suggestion: Write some dialogue, to avoid it reading like a police report. This will also force you to give the protagonists some character.
As I said, unlike others here, I like reading stories about weak male characters. But those stories need a little more tension than the ones I've read of yours (not necessarily non-consent, but perhaps a little more reluctance).
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