request for feedback on new story, "Butter"

[victoria.vixen]

I've posted my first story to literotica. It's called "Butter" and it's a story in three chapters:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=201750
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=201752
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=201753

I'd love to get some feedback on it. Thanks.

--
Victoria

 

[Hotcappucino]

Loved the stories, Victoria. You have a nice casual way of writing that just makes it very personal to the reader.

One thing that felt "off" to me was referring to your boyfriend as "X" throughout the stories. I think it would have felt "smoother" just making up a name and going with it. For example, "A few years ago I was living with my boyfriend, let's call him 'Tom.'"

Also, I think each chapter could have been combined into one long story without losing its effectiveness.

Excellent writing, otherwise, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your adventures.

 

[Guest]

Oh, a wind CV up thread.

 

[victoria.vixen]

re: Hotcappucino's advice

Hotcap, thanks for your advice.

One thing that felt "off" to me was referring to your boyfriend as "X" throughout the stories. I think it would have felt "smoother" just making up a name and going with it. For example, "A few years ago I was living with my boyfriend, let's call him 'Tom.'"

Well, when I was writing the story I assumed that the audience would be mostly male and by leaving my boyfriend unnamed I thought it might be easier to help male readers step into his shoes. But it sounds like it didn't work that way.

Also, I think each chapter could have been combined into one long story without losing its effectiveness.

Point taken. In future stories the chapters will be a bit longer.

Thanks again.

 

[victoria.vixen]

re: CV

Oh, a wind CV up thread.

I hope it's a "let's make Victoria a better writer thread," and if it incidentally becomes a "wind CV up thread" I suppose that's OK too.

 

[solahsystah22]

I think everything that needs to be said has already been said. It's a very good story, very sexy, and it could indeed be made into just one-chapter. That way you don't have to reintroduce the plot to the reader at the beginning of each one.

 

[victoria.vixen]

I think everything that needs to be said has already been said. It's a very good story, very sexy, and it could indeed be made into just one-chapter. That way you don't have to reintroduce the plot to the reader at the beginning of each one.

Thanks Solah. Does anyone know if we can make edits to a story once it's submitted?

 

[Hotcappucino]

This link tells you how to re-submit your story. If you want to combine all three chapters into one story, then you should probably make a comment that chapters 2 & 3 (provide URLs) should be deleted.

 

[Guest]

I'm hugry.

 

[Georgepat]

Hi Dear,

Gotta say this while I can..step away from this person..look back and think,,,

 

[EnglishMuffin]

pc whore.

 

[JuLee]

Butter

Great story, well told life experience with enough emphasis on background. Best JuLee