Request for feedback on first story

[Zev Green]

I've just had my first story approved (and am thoroughly pleased to have joined the hordes of literotica writers). It's a sci fi story and at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=107235

I'd appreciate any feedback as it's my first attempt at writing erotica.

Thanks in advance,
Zev

 

[damppanties]

Hi Zev,

I don't read sci-fi all that much so I don't really know much about it; but I enjoyed this. The pacing was good - the slow build-up and the increasing pace going to a good climax. I liked the fact that it was short and to the point. No extra words. You painted the awestruck picture of Scott pretty nicely too.

The only problem I had was your grammar and other mistakes. The first three words of your story are wrong. You're going to get a lot of back clicks if you keep it that way. I suggest you get your story edited in the volunteer editor program before resubmitting it. You write well, but it needs to be presented properly. Good luck with your future writing.

 

[Jenny _S]

I liked the story. It was something new and imaginative. The writing is great with only a few errors. The flow of action is appropriate and believable.

These are the technical comments I would make.

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She sat herself down opposite him, crossing her long legs. The split in her dress fell open revealing an expanse of thigh swirling hypnotically with color, tapering into a well formed calf and delicate ankle. Her feet were encased in a pair of elaborate strappy sandals with killer heels.

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The term "She sat herself down opposite him..." is bothersome. She obviously can't sit herself UP. And Who else would sit her down? I think it would read better if you simply said, "She sat opposite him..."

Also the term "...well formed" should be hyphenated as ...well-formed"

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Scott was snapped out of the trance her skin had almost put him in when she said softly, "I'm Kaia."

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You've made this much too complicated. "Scott was snapped..." This would indicate that someone else snapped him...

Then you say "... her skin had almost up him in..." Almost? He was in a trance.

It would read, "Scott snapped out the trance she skin had put him into when she said softly, "I'm Kaia."

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Scott knew that he shouldn't follow - he was a member of the Space Corp. after all and this kind of liaison was most definitely against regulations - and a little voice in the back of his mind told him to stop before this went any further, but he couldn't help but take her proffered hand. He allowed himself to be led to the teleporter platform where she keyed in their destination
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This is a very long and complex pair of sentences. It would read better if you rewrote it like, "Even though regulations banned members of the Space Corp. from such liaisons, Scott couldn't help but take her proffered hand. He willing followed her to the teleporter platform where she keyed in their destination.

This trades off about 35 words for 70. There seems to be a double aside in the original with something missing to denote the end of the second one. That is, you began the second aside with a "-" but ended it with a ",". I stumbled over this paragraph and had to read it a couple of times.

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Together they stepped onto the platform and faded from view. They rematerilized in an old fashioned looking hotel lobby.
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The word "rematerialized would indicate that they had materialized sometime in the recent past. Since they just met, that's not possible. The word here would work better as "materialized".

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With a cursory nod to the man - well, probably a man, but Scott couldn't be sure - Kaia half dragged him down the corridor to her room. At the door she scanned her palm and it opened.

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Who is "the man"? Where did he come from. Is he a desk clerk?

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Scott though was no longer responding, hypnotized by her magical skin. When Kaia was sure he wasn't going to be waking anytime soon, she quickly redressed and...
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This is a believability problem. He's hypnotized by her magical skin but he takes time out for a hot fuck. Then he's immobilized. Wasn't he already hypnotized by her skin back in the bar? What's different now?

I think it should be something about him fainting from the sexual teasing or something and not the hypnosis. It's hard to believe after all this has gone on that his level of hypnosis has suddenly rendered him senseless. It could happen, but you would need to write it that way and explain to the reader that his level increased.

The word "redressed" is bothersome too. You redress an underling for misbehavior, that is to talk pointedly to him. When a person puts their clothes on the "dress".

All in all a very good story. I liked it and look forward to more of this caliber. Good to see another sci-fi writer on Lit.

 

[damppanties]

Hi again Zev,

I was thinking about your story again (it's a good thing that it has stuck in my head... otherwise I forget stories too quickly). I realised that I wanted to make another comment which I forgot to in the first post. When you first introduced Kaia, you talk about her skin. The words used are - She was a mottled mass of color all over and from where Scott sat the colors seemed to shimmer and dance. Blues, purples, yellows, reds, greens, pinks, all swirled almost rhythmically across her flesh. This, and other parts referring to her skin later on, made me think that she's standing under disco lights or something. Perhaps that's just my thinking but maybe you'd like to make it clearer.

The place where I caught on was during her orgasm and then I jogged back mentally to readjust my thinking.

Hope this helps.

 

[Jenny _S]

Hi again Zev,

I was thinking about your story again (it's a good thing that it has stuck in my head... otherwise I forget stories too quickly). I realised that I wanted to make another comment which I forgot to in the first post. When you first introduced Kaia, you talk about her skin. The words used are - She was a mottled mass of color all over and from where Scott sat the colors seemed to shimmer and dance. Blues, purples, yellows, reds, greens, pinks, all swirled almost rhythmically across her flesh. This, and other parts referring to her skin later on, made me think that she's standing under disco lights or something. Perhaps that's just my thinking but maybe you'd like to make it clearer.

The place where I caught on was during her orgasm and then I jogged back mentally to readjust my thinking.

Hope this helps.

This is something that happens in short stories, damppanies. The problem is the universe that Zev is protraying is very large and very different than our own but written in a very small space. There is never enough room in a short story format to convey what that world is really like. The first stumble in the story is when you discover in the bar that YOU AIN'T IN KANSAS anymore. We would like the author to tell us we are on the planet Zepton and the people in the story aren't quite like us. In this story, Kaia has colored skin and some other differences. It's up to the author to decide how much is enough. In this story, I agree, Zev is a little thin.

But the best sci-fi is that which has all those elements of another world, but the setting of the story really has nothing to do with the action in the story. The characters still act just like us. The things that happen in the story could be happening in Smalltown, Iowa and not on the planet Zepton.

Even though in the beginning of this story, Zev didn't warn us the story is set in an alternate universe, the story still works because this is something that could happen to a merchant sailor in our now in any port town in the world.

 

[damppanties]

It's up to the author to decide how much is enough. In this story, I agree, Zev is a little thin.

Even though in the beginning of this story, Zev didn't warn us the story is set in an alternate universe, the story still works because this is something that could happen to a merchant sailor in our now in any port town in the world.

Jenny,

Yes, the story works; and quite well too. I liked it.

My post about Kaia's skin was more of a personal feedback - i.e. exactly how I perceived it and what it made me feel when I read it - rather than a criticism of the way the author wrote it. I wasn't sure if Zev intended it to appear that way. If he did, it's fine if he is comfortable with it; and if he didn't he might want to clear it up. After I finished the story, I realised I'd want to know at the beginning about her skin and the changing colours because when I went back to the portions where it is mentioned, I think Zev did a great job of describing it. If I had known, I would have enjoyed imagining those portions.

 

[Jenny _S]

Jenny,

Yes, the story works; and quite well too. I liked it.

My post about Kaia's skin was more of a personal feedback - i.e. exactly how I perceived it and what it made me feel when I read it - rather than a criticism of the way the author wrote it. I wasn't sure if Zev intended it to appear that way. If he did, it's fine if he is comfortable with it; and if he didn't he might want to clear it up. After I finished the story, I realised I'd want to know at the beginning about her skin and the changing colours because when I went back to the portions where it is mentioned, I think Zev did a great job of describing it. If I had known, I would have enjoyed imagining those portions.

I think we are saying the same thing. Often times, especially in sci-fi, it helps the reader if the author warns the reader of something very different or "off-worldly" before it's introduced.

Sometimes I have the same problem. The image in my mind is so strong that when it comes to putting it on paper, I sometimes forget the reader doesn't share that mental image.

In Zev's story, the skin plays a fairly important part so the warning would have been helpful to the reader.