Request for feedback - new writer

[damppanties]

All honest feedback is welcome. I am interested in everyone's opinions on everything.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48116

-DP.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Hey Ms. Damp....
Read your story and I liked it a lot. It was clearly written, although you may want to invest some time in re-reading/perhaps an editor to help you smooth out some small rough spots with grammar/sentence structure, that kind of thing. Minor things, really.
At first, I thought the whole dog thing would be a turn off, but while you did use it as a catalyst, I think it worked without being offensive to anyone not into beastiality. It got the story moving in a surprisingly natural way, without you seeming to push us roughly forward.
I like the idea of his being rather commanding during sex...perhaps that's just me, but it seemed there was more to him than just a "nice guy"..he's more complex than we see (and more than she sees) on the outside. It looks like it leaves the door open for more about this couple and while I think a LOT of people go to extremes with sequel after sequel....you could do some more with these two.
So, overall...a very nice effort. I'll definitely look for more from you.

 

[damppanties]

Tahnk you ladyphoenix

Thank you for your feedback. I did use an editor. Perhaps I should have used more than one?? It would be helpful if you'd given me some examples in my story where I've gone wrong.

-DP.

 

[SexyChele]

I liked this story very much. Good job on a first effort!

I didn't see the problems with sentence structure mentioned above, but I really wasn't looking for it all that much. It did appear as though you put a lot of thought and effort into the story, trying to make the story an easy read for your audience.

The only thing I would suggest, and it is very minor, is to try to stay away from cliches. Phrases such as "doing it" (dogs by the window), or "I sucked him for all I was worth..." seem a bit unimaginative. Look for different phrasing, maybe stating something in a fresher way.

Good job, and I hope you stay with it!

Regarding editors: finding one that you trust is good, and if you are that lucky, stay with him/her. But it never hurts to send your story to 2 or 3 different editors. Maybe one female, one male. You will get different perspectives on your story, and one may pick up grammatical errors while the other might have suggestions for readability. It's up to you, however.

 

[damppanties]

Thank you SexyChele

Thanks a lot for your comments about my story. They were very helpful.

It is very difficult to get people to edit in Literotica. I tried about a dozen of them from the volunteer editors, but none of them replied to my mails. Then I happened to chance upon an offer of editing here on the boards and took advantage of it. I was very happy with the improvements she suggested. I would also like to have more than one editor but finding another one would be too hard.

-DP.

 

[JerseyBoy]

nice indeed....

...gave it a 5...love a good spattering ending!

Is it me or did I detect a little animal envy tension going on...had me wondering where this story might just lead...hehe...sorry, didnt mean to gross you out...

-ws

 

[damppanties]

Thank you WifeSeducer

Thanks for the feedback and particularly for the vote. I needed that.

Animal envy... no, not really. It was just used as something to set the mood. I mean, she had to go this fellow's house, get into the mood for sex and then had to actually have sex with him. Just gave her an excuse. Ok, I know put like that it sounds terrible. Actually, this was a personal fantasy.

And I wasn't "grossed out".

-DP.

 

[SexyChele]

Re: Thank you SexyChele

It is very difficult to get people to edit in Literotica. I tried about a dozen of them from the volunteer editors, but none of them replied to my mails. Then I happened to chance upon an offer of editing here on the boards and took advantage of it. I was very happy with the improvements she suggested. I would also like to have more than one editor but finding another one would be too hard.

-DP.

Unfortunately, this is becoming all to real here at Lit. When I first started using the volunteer editors almost a year ago, I would email 3 and 2 would respond. The last story I submitted to an editor (3), one responded very quickly but their advice was vague to the point of being ambivalent, the 2nd said he wouldn't be able to even look at the story for 3 weeks, and the 3rd I still haven't heard from. It is frustrating when you submit a story for editing, and then hear nothing back, or get feedback that isn't clear.

I've tried to email my request to be a volunteer editor - if for no other reason, then the fact that I can respond fairly quickly with an opinion - but have yet to hear anything back, and my name doesn't appear. Could be I don't meet the specifications?

It would be nice to have a system in place where writers can ask some one to review it before submitting their work. I have asked friends I know, but they get so wound up in the story they simply respond with, "Very strokable, go for it!" Not exactly what I was looking for.

All I can suggest is to try to pick up on what other writers do for their editing techniques and see if they might work for you.

Good luck!

 

[Carl East]

All honest feedback is welcome. I am interested in everyone's opinions on everything.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48116

-DP.

I gave this story a five, because I genuinely thought it was both erotic and well writen.

Well done DP, I enjoyed that.

Carl

 

[damppanties]

Re: Re: Thank you SexyChele

I've tried to email my request to be a volunteer editor - if for no other reason, then the fact that I can respond fairly quickly with an opinion - but have yet to hear anything back, and my name doesn't appear. Could be I don't meet the specifications?

Are there any specifications?

All I can suggest is to try to pick up on what other writers do for their editing techniques and see if they might work for you.

Good luck!

Thank you, I think I'll have to settle for this forum for feedback and then edit my work and resubmit it.

-DP.

 

[damppanties]

Thanks Carl, I was waiting for you to respond. The five is good. I need more of those.... *sigh*

-DP.

 

[JerseyBoy]

Re: Thank you WifeSeducer

no prob...anytime...

what I think some writers miss is adding a sense of tension...making the reader unsure of what may happen. That's what keeps me hooked, not a two page description of a single sex scene...no matter how intesne or well written. But that sets me apart from those who would soak up such a scene, revel in its detail. That's what makes it tough to appease all readers, we're all different. I enjoy alterior motives...both persons having a different reason for hooking up, and perhaps would be shocked if they knew what the other was thinking...

In my writing I tend to have too much setup (not a bad thing) and worry that I dont get to the 'action' soon enough....

If you seek a good vote your tagline needs to draw 'your' audience...I only wish we had more than like 40 characters to use...

It's great that you wrote out your own fantasy...visioning the scenario with you involved. Pretty cool huh?

keep writing...let us know when your next fantasy cums online for us....

-WS

Thanks for the feedback and particularly for the vote. I needed that.

Animal envy... no, not really. It was just used as something to set the mood. I mean, she had to go this fellow's house, get into the mood for sex and then had to actually have sex with him. Just gave her an excuse. Ok, I know put like that it sounds terrible. Actually, this was a personal fantasy.

And I wasn't "grossed out".

-DP.

 

[damppanties]

Re: Re: Thank you WifeSeducer

keep writing...let us know when your next fantasy cums online for us....

-WS

Sure, I'll post it here too, but its still in the budding stage. Lots n lots of work before it comes out. *groan*

-DP.

 

[Impetus]

Waha! That was so cool!

What a deviously clever idea for a story. Tell me you came up with that on your own. Brilliant! What better excuse for sex than the fact that another pair of animals are doing it just a few feet away. I wonder if dog kennels actually have this problem.

The story was stellar, and so was the sex. It ended on a high note, witch was great, but not exactly my taste in endings. Can't please them all.

For a short story, it was creative, interesting, fun to read, and *HOT*. Wicked cool story. High marks.

-I

 

[damppanties]

Thanks Impetus

Thanks. Yup, the idea for the story was my own.

-DP.

 

[damppanties]

any more?

Getting this thread back in the hope of some more feedback.

-DP.

 

[secretdesire]

I had read your story once before and voted on it, but I just reread it again so I could offer some feedback here. I liked it, it definitely had an original premise. I can't say I've read any other stories about two people getting it on because they saw their dogs do it! And it was pretty hot.

My only criticism is that you've got the woman getting extremely turned on by watching the dogs mate, but the story implies she's mated her dog many times. So it leaves me wondering if she always gets aroused by it. I got the feeling she didn't, but then what made the dogs so special this time?

I think you could easily resolve that problem by adding in something about how thinking about the hot guy while watching the dogs had this unexpected affect on her.

 

[damppanties]

Thank you secretdesire

My only criticism is that you've got the woman getting extremely turned on by watching the dogs mate, but the story implies she's mated her dog many times. So it leaves me wondering if she always gets aroused by it. I got the feeling she didn't, but then what made the dogs so special this time?

I think you could easily resolve that problem by adding in something about how thinking about the hot guy while watching the dogs had this unexpected affect on her.

Thanks for the feedback.

The woman got aroused due to two things. One - she was fantasizing about this guy the whole day.. and there is a mention that she was thinking about him sexually and the whole time she's there she's having those kind of thoughts. Second - watching the dogs mate.

-DP.

 

[scarlet vixen]

Hi Damp,

The story moves well, and the writing is clean and grammatical.

I don't think 2 or 3 editors is the answer, unless they look for different things--e.g. one looking at historical accuracy, another at grammar and sentence structure. If you do that, it's a bit like building a house with several defects; then you ask 3, not fully competent contractors, in turn, to fix it. Each finds some things, but not others, and undoes some of the good done by the others.
A recipe for a mess.

Since you wanted feedback, not merely applause, here goes.

Looking at the first two paras. quoted below, there is a certain monotony of sentence structure.: I lay... and felt, he pressed... and licked,... then he pulled ... and entered. Simple sentences, two verbs each.

In the next para: his hands were..., and I could feel; my pussy made ..., as he buried; we were... and he set up. Roughly, we've got compound sentences, two units.

++++++++
[damp wrote]
Dragging me to the couch, he pushed me down and knelt down in front of me, between my open legs. My panties were done away with as he too shed his clothes quickly. I lay my head back and felt him start to nuzzle my clit with his nose. He pressed his mouth to my wet cunt and licked the juices flowing out. I had my hands on my breasts; pressing, tugging, squeezing. Then he pulled me onto the floor, on top of the rough carpet and entered me in a rush.

At his first thrust, I raised my hips and his cock was buried into me up to his balls. As I concentrated on the wonderful feeling of a hard cock moving in my cunt, I heard him moaning soft words to me. His hard pelvic bone brushed against my clit from time to time making me jerk uncontrollably. My hands were on his firm buttocks and I could feel his muscles relaxing and stiffening with the effort of moving. My wet pussy made slurping noises as he buried into me again and again. We were in an incredible hurry to fuck and he set up a hard and fast pace that left me out of breath, panting like the dogs. [end]
+++++

Let's look at the next para., for another reason. Look at the diction and level of language. There is a 'huge spasm'; fair enough. But then she says "... unmoving for a moment before I was plunged headlong into ecstasy." That's much more sophisticated, though it sounds like she's been reading some bad porn. Then she says,
"dirty words spewing forth"... [then] "it began to wane". We don't know what "it" is, but the word "wane" is rather literary.

+++++++
[damp wrote]
It wasn't long before I had my first shuddering orgasm. A few seconds of a huge spasm with my vagina clenching on his hard cock. My body tensed, unmoving for a moment before I was plunged headlong into the ecstasy. Held in one giant spasm, I writhed and thrashed about, dirty words spewing forth from between my clenched teeth. Finally it began to wane and I slumped back onto the carpet, worn but still ready for more. He let me rest for a few moments before turning me over [end]

++++

What's going on, here? You are finding your voice as a writer, and want to use literary talk: "unmoving for a moment."

However you've created a character. What is *her* literary background, if any. Is she a frustrated author? One should assume most characters are not, unless you tell us a story through an English teacher's diary as she describes her sexual encounters. She, your woman, readily talks of her dog's cunt and her own, and the dogs 'doing it.' Is she really that complex and educated as this last para would indicate?

You need to keep a character separate from yourself. Many of your characters will be *less literate and *less articulate than you are. Alternatively (or additionally), experiment with a form, third person, that allows your literary ambitions. It would have been fine to say "dirty words were spewing forth from HER clenched teeth" or "she ... plunged into ecstasy" (although as another commenter said, there is a problem with triteness, at times.)

In any case, the story has many virtues, which have been mentioned. Though I'm not repeating them, be aware that the criticism here in not my whole view, which is pretty positive.

Do keep it up.

 

[damppanties]

Thank you scarlet vixen

scarlet vixen says:
I don't think 2 or 3 editors is the answer, unless they look for different things--e.g. one looking at historical accuracy, another at grammar and sentence structure. If you do that, it's a bit like building a house with several defects; then you ask 3, not fully competent contractors, in turn, to fix it. Each finds some things, but not others, and undoes some of the good done by the others.
A recipe for a mess.

I don't think it would be a mess. A good editor just makes some suggestions and comments which better your story. It is upto the author to either take them (if he/she feels they go with the original idea of a story) or reject them. Even if all the editors a person uses look for the same thing and give suggestions on the same, then I think that it will improve the story. They may be different suggestions, but the author doesn't need to (actually cannot) use all of of them. He can choose the best and go with it.

scarlet vixen says:
However you've created a character. What is *her* literary background, if any. Is she a frustrated author? One should assume most characters are not, unless you tell us a story through an English teacher's diary as she describes her sexual encounters. She, your woman, readily talks of her dog's cunt and her own, and the dogs 'doing it.' Is she really that complex and educated as this last para would indicate?

About this, I'd like to say that a person can use both 'cunt' and 'unmoving for a moment'. I wrote the story as I would think it, which means that the character in the story thinks like me. I am no english teacher; I am rather normal. I don't use the english language as well as it can be used. I just make do with it. My point is that, sometimes I have flashes of inspiration like 'unmoving for a moment' and sometimes I'm buried with things like 'cunt' and 'doing it'. A person does not have to be consistently good or consistently bad in using a language. There are certain points in which he/she excels and some places where he/she talks rot. Therefore, I think that my character is equally comfortable using good as well as mediocre or bad expressions.

Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. You've pointed out something new to me and I'd be more careful about my characters henceforth. I hadn't thought about this while writing the story. I've learnt something here and that's the best thing a feedback can do. Sincere thanks *hug*

-DP.

 

[scarlet vixen]

Hi Damp,

You say, as quoted below, that the character in the story thinks like you and, like you, can be inconsistent as to 'level.'

I will agree with the second point. It's often seen in stories: characters, like real people say, "It was an awesome sunset" and then they try to get literary and say, "Its ruddy roseate glow...."

Surely your first point, however, bears some thinking. I don't assume the character thinks--and presumably talks--like you. Why is that the case. Did you give her the same background in education, geography and life experience, that would lead to that?

In my opinion, the point of a *character*-- as opposed to you in your autobiography-- is that they are *not* you, and may be far from you. What you've put your finger on, perhaps inadvertently, is one of the most odd and amazing things in literotica stories: the character of a first person story may be a waitress, a stock broker, a stripper, or an English teacher: Yet (almost) all of them talk like aspiring erotica writers!! Isn't that odd?? Indeed they talk like the **particular aspiring writer of the story. What a coincidence, don't you think?

(**Sometimes there is a part of a reason for this in that the character is described more or less as a double of the author, same job, same city, same education. [As in, say, Henry Miller, Tropic of Capricorn.] But mostly this isn't the case.)

With all of your talent, it's worth sitting down, at the start of the next story and saying "Who is this narrator and what is she like and how is she *different* from me?" Your considerable creativity will show in creating someone who is *not in your image.

And, as before, I encourage a third person experiment where you may, without worry, unleash your most ingeniously stunning phrases and images.

Best of luck.
===============

[quote, from 'damppanties']
About this, I'd like to say that a person can use both 'cunt' and 'unmoving for a moment'. I wrote the story as I would think it, which means that the character in the story thinks like me. I am no english teacher; I am rather normal. I don't use the english language as well as it can be used. I just make do with it. My point is that, sometimes I have flashes of inspiration like 'unmoving for a moment' and sometimes I'm buried with things like 'cunt' and 'doing it'. A person does not have to be consistently good or consistently bad in using a language. There are certain points in which he/she excels and some places where he/she talks rot. Therefore, I think that my character is equally comfortable using good as well as mediocre or bad expressions.
[end]

 

[damppanties]

Thanks so much for your continuing interest in my writing.

scarlet vixen says:
Surely your first point, however, bears some thinking. I don't assume the character thinks--and presumably talks--like you. Why is that the case. Did you give her the same background in education, geography and life experience, that would lead to that?

I actually did not give her any background. I did not think much about the character's background while writing the story. There is a shady mention of a 'job' but nothing much about it, or about the character either. The story was a fantasy about something like that happening to me.

scarlet vixen says:
With all of your talent, it's worth sitting down, at the start of the next story and saying "Who is this narrator and what is she like and how is she *different* from me?" Your considerable creativity will show in creating someone who is *not in your image.

And, as before, I encourage a third person experiment where you may, without worry, unleash your most ingeniously stunning phrases and images.

Best of luck.

Thank you for the suggestions given here. I will definitely try out something like this. And thank you for opening my eyes to something I hadn't even thought about.

-DP.

 

[Samantha E. Xanadu]

DP's story - "Doggie Style"

Hi DP:

Loved your story and the build up of anticipation. Erotic and well written. I have only one comment about a sentence I feel is awkward. "Not long of this and I spun into my second orgasm,..."
Would this work for you? "Not long into this, I spun into my second orgasm..."

I gave this story a 5. Look forward to more of your writing.

Samantha E. Xanadu (Sam)

 

[damppanties]

Thanks Samantha E. Xanadu

Thank you for the feedback. I went back and read the part over.. and you are right. Its off. Thanks for pointing it out.

Thanks for the 5. Its greatly appreciated.

-DP.

 

[Kiwi XS]

Story Review

Hi ya DP

Loved the originality in the story. It flowed well and was definitely erotic (atleast for me it was). Just one comment though - you used the word "dirty words". Explicit language during sex is often considered erotic too. Personally, it is a turn on for me...so my question is - are they really dirty?? They are words spat forth during sex - your may want to consider actually including the dialogues.

I gave it a 10 - enjoyed it. Keep the erotica flowing..