Request for a review

[AG31]

I didn't necessarily set out to start my own Story Review Service here.

But I did mention I would try to do so if asked, when I could.

I don't think you've looked at any of my stories. Would you? Your approach to the Eldritch Pact is just the kind of thing I look for. I revise frequently on Smashwords. I don't like to clog Literotica with revisions. If you're interested, you could review any of mine except Idyll, Undressing and Stairway to Heaven.

tia
ag

 

[Djmac1031]

I suppose i can work on that.

Curious as to why you don't want me reading those three

Do you have a preferred one you DO want me to look at?

 

[Djmac1031]

@AG31

I decided to go with Naked.

give me a little time to formulate my thoughts.

 

[Djmac1031]

So I chose your story Naked.

https://www.literotica.com/s/naked-23

Let's start with the technical, but I promise I won't dwell on it too much.

Mistakes are a given. We all make them. But they can be reduced to a minimum with a little more care during editing.

There was one passage in particular, a character speaking, giving a speech of sorts, where the quotation marks were missing, not once, not twice, but multiple times in a row. I had a tough time distinguishing between his words and his actions because of that.

Then there's the way the story is written as a whole. It's an interesting premise (and I'll get to that shortly) that's hampered by an almost checklist approach to it.

What do I mean by that?

The basic flow of it reads : He said this, then did that. Then this happened and he said that. Then someone else did this so he did that. Etc.

I'm not sure what advice to give to correct that other than reading other stories and seeing how events can ebb and flow without sounding like just a list of things happening.

Now, on to the story itself, because this is what interested me.

And for those who haven't read it, spoilers ahead, because it's kind of impossible to delve into the heart of this without them.

Boiling the premise down to the basic nutshell, it's about a man reluctantly dealing with latent homosexual desires.

Now, I know NOTHING about you personally, @AG31 and I'm not here to judge anyone.

But the way this story reads to me, it sounds like it was written by someone who is gay and is struggling with self acceptance.

And because of that struggle, the story seeks to ask the question: well what if one was FORCED to be gay?

The main male character Henderson, is put into a situation where he must participate in gay sex acts to save the lives of his fellow prisoners of war.

And so he mentally wills himself into a state of not merely accepting his torture and rape, but actually becoming aroused by it. Of craving it.

Afterwards, lengthy discussions are had by Henderson with his men about how it's not really gay because they're being forced, but it's also okay if some found it all arousing because “we're human!”

I found the psychology of it all fascinating. Because I'm truly trying to understand the deeper meaning of it.

And yeah, for once I do believe there's a deeper message in here somewhere besides “guy gets forced to suck a cock before being rammed up the ass.”

Unlike many non con stories, I don't think this one is at all meant to be titillating. Even if the main character does find himself increasingly aroused by it all.

Unfortunately, I think the meaning gets a little lost in translation, in the heavy handed excusing it all away because “Hey, we're prisoners here, we're being forced, we'll just deal with all of this after if we ever get back home, but for now we all gotta stick together to survive.”

That's not a terrible message BTW. I'm sure many real prisoners of war had many traumas to deal with and needed to trust, sacrifice and lean on their comrades to survive.

Now, I could be entirely wrong. Maybe I'm reading into it too deeply.

Maybe straight men being forced to accept gay sex is just a kink and this story's only purpose is to get people with that kink off.

I hope I'm not wrong and that that's not all there is to it. Not because I think it's a shameful kink. But I'd be a little bummed that the deeper message of accepting ourselves for who we are was unintentional and just me grasping at straws.

 

[AG31]

So I chose your story Naked.

https://www.literotica.com/s/naked-23

Let's start with the technical, but I promise I won't dwell on it too much.

Mistakes are a given. We all make them. But they can be reduced to a minimum with a little more care during editing.

I'm glad you chose this. It's an outlier style-wise, and didn't flow for me like most of my stories. The pure sex flowed, but not the "normal" activity. Evidence of my self diagnosis that I'm not an author, but a recorder of fantasies.

There was one passage in particular, a character speaking, giving a speech of sorts, where the quotation marks were missing, not once, not twice, but multiple times in a row. I had a tough time distinguishing between his words and his actions because of that.

I've had this kind of feedback before. Very possibly for this story, since I don't often update on Literotica. Neither the text on my computer nor the text on Smashwords shows this problem. When I publish I copy from Word and paste into Lit.

Then there's the way the story is written as a whole. It's an interesting premise (and I'll get to that shortly) that's hampered by an almost checklist approach to it.

What do I mean by that?

The basic flow of it reads : He said this, then did that. Then this happened and he said that. Then someone else did this so he did that. Etc.

I'm not sure what advice to give to correct that other than reading other stories and seeing how events can ebb and flow without sounding like just a list of things happening.

Yes, neither you nor I nor the folks I asked for help with "klunkiness" some time ago here in Feedback.

Now, on to the story itself, because this is what interested me.

And for those who haven't read it, spoilers ahead, because it's kind of impossible to delve into the heart of this without them.

Boiling the premise down to the basic nutshell, it's about a man reluctantly dealing with latent homosexual desires.

Now, I know NOTHING about you personally, @AG31 and I'm not here to judge anyone.

But the way this story reads to me, it sounds like it was written by someone who is gay and is struggling with self acceptance.

And because of that struggle, the story seeks to ask the question: well what if one was FORCED to be gay?

The main male character Henderson, is put into a situation where he must participate in gay sex acts to save the lives of his fellow prisoners of war.

And so he mentally wills himself into a state of not merely accepting his torture and rape, but actually becoming aroused by it. Of craving it.

Afterwards, lengthy discussions are had by Henderson with his men about how it's not really gay because they're being forced, but it's also okay if some found it all arousing because “we're human!”

I found the psychology of it all fascinating. Because I'm truly trying to understand the deeper meaning of it.

And yeah, for once I do believe there's a deeper message in here somewhere besides “guy gets forced to suck a cock before being rammed up the ass.”

Unlike many non con stories, I don't think this one is at all meant to be titillating. Even if the main character does find himself increasingly aroused by it all.

Well, yeah, it was meant to be titillating in those particular pure sex parts. But you're right, it's also about his self-acceptance.

Unfortunately, I think the meaning gets a little lost in translation, in the heavy handed excusing it all away because “Hey, we're prisoners here, we're being forced, we'll just deal with all of this after if we ever get back home, but for now we all gotta stick together to survive.”

That's not a terrible message BTW. I'm sure many real prisoners of war had many traumas to deal with and needed to trust, sacrifice and lean on their comrades to survive.

Now, I could be entirely wrong. Maybe I'm reading into it too deeply.

Maybe straight men being forced to accept gay sex is just a kink and this story's only purpose is to get people with that kink off.

That's a more accurate reading of my intent.

I hope I'm not wrong and that that's not all there is to it. Not because I think it's a shameful kink. But I'd be a little bummed that the deeper message of accepting ourselves for who we are was unintentional and just me grasping at straws.

No, the notion of self-acceptance was at the very core of the story. I'm so glad you picked up on that. I think it's a minor point that I don't really think of Henderson as being gay (he is married, and in the followup story, The Recurrence, he's still happily married some years later.) Instead, what he's accepting is the need to surrender, almost in the abstract. In three of my other non-vanilla stories the do-ers are both men and women. And in a fourth, the off-stage wife is very positive and important. My MCs have no desire for men. Just a desire to be done-to. I don't know how to make this clearer, but I'm not sure it's important. It's OK if they are gay, but that's not what they're accepting of.

Anyway, thanks for the close, perceptive read. And if you can think of any specific suggestions about what do do about klunkiness. Please pass them along!

 

[Djmac1031]

I don't really think of Henderson as being gay (he is married, and in the followup story, The Recurrence, he's still happily married some years later.) Instead, what he's accepting is the need to surrender, almost in the abstract.

I totally get that. And to me it wasn't exactly about "gay" or "straight" either. Although perhaps I didn't clarify that properly. plenty of people are fluid sexually, their attraction less about gender and genitalia and more about the person themselves.

I also understood that deeper meaning about the need to surrender to the moment, especially when things are simply beyond our control. Not "surrender" as in give up. But simply to accept things the things we cannot always control about life and simply accept our need to face them and carry on.

 

[AG31]

I totally get that. And to me it wasn't exactly about "gay" or "straight" either. Although perhaps I didn't clarify that properly. plenty of people are fluid sexually, their attraction less about gender and genitalia and more about the person themselves.

I also understood that deeper meaning about the need to surrender to the moment, especially when things are simply beyond our control. Not "surrender" as in give up. But simply to accept things the things we cannot always control about life and simply accept our need to face them and carry on.

Thanks! I'm so glad that came through!

On the "klunkiness" front.. I just logged in again to tell you that I remembered that I'd simply deleted the whole difficult-to-describe elaborate game Henderson set up for his men. But that's only on Smashwords. I was trying to illustrate that he was still taking responsibility for them. But it was too klunky.

Not only do I not update on Lit because I don't want to clog the system, but now I'm afraid my new version will get flagged as AI and my whole story will be gone. I believe the original disappears before the new one shows up.

 

[AG31]

I totally get that. And to me it wasn't exactly about "gay" or "straight" either. Although perhaps I didn't clarify that properly. plenty of people are fluid sexually, their attraction less about gender and genitalia and more about the person themselves.

I also understood that deeper meaning about the need to surrender to the moment, especially when things are simply beyond our control. Not "surrender" as in give up. But simply to accept things the things we cannot always control about life and simply accept our need to face them and carry on.

Will you indulge me a little further? I can't remember when anyone actually talked to me at length about my idiosyncratic taste in erotica.

So the self-acceptance is about the fact that he gets sexually aroused by surrender (like Theresa of Avila, probably - do you know Bernini's sculpture?) But, of course, it's sexual actions that he's surrendering to. So I have a chicken and egg problem. I'd love to pin this down to one or two clear sentences. Did that nuance come through?

 

[ElectricBlue]

. I believe the original disappears before the new one shows up.

Not quite. The new text replaces the old text, it writes over. So if your edit was rejected for AI (but why would it? The story is already over that line), the old version would remain as is.

 

[AG31]

Curious as to why you don't want me reading those three

I've been reviewing AH conversations for the purposes of another project and saw that I didn't respond to your question. Happy to. Those three stories are atypical of my writing. They are pure vanilla. My erotica world has been pretty much confined to S&M themes. My real life has benefited from my watershed experience of three years ago by a much intensified (new?) appreciation of male physicality. These three stories focus on that. It's not a puzzle to me. It's just nice. Note: I've been fine with maies interpersonally my whole life. That's why I don't focus on character in my erotica. I get plenty of character in real life and in my regular library reading.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Not quite. The new text replaces the old text, it writes over. So if your edit was rejected for AI (but why would it? The story is already over that line), the old version would remain as is.

The edited version will be in "pending" until it is accepted. You have to title the new version as something like The Day of the Locust, ch. 02-EDIT when you submit it. Then when it's approved, it will be gone from pending and the new version will be up.

In the Notes to Moderator box, mention what you changing. If it's something beyond typos, like a change in the content, it may be worth briefly describing what you did and why. That may help it get approved, although noting is guaranteed here!

If it's something that major, don't worry about clogging up the system. That's the site's problem, not yours. It still may take a while, like at least ten days. I had one that took five weeks, which depends on how busy they are.