Request feedback

[hairlover]

Hi all,

Invite feedback on a story that I posted about four months ago.... wish I had discovered this board earlier !

Here goes...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=120872

Thanks for your time, & regards.

Hairlover

 

[Guest]

OK.

I bookmarked it. Pubic hair is sexy (If it's covering none-flabby cunt lips). Exquse my language!

Hairless balls are gay.

I'll read it tomorrow. I may comment on it if I felt like it.

Ladies, why do you shave things that God gave you?

What are you, a gorilla?

Hew! Give me that chill-out pill.

 

[BohemianEcstasy]

I was going to read it, and I did read the first few paragraphs. Your tone might be a bit too dramatic for some, but different people have different tastes. I didn't read long enough to see if you were aiming a level above a simple stroke-story. The reason I didn't go farther with it was the fact that it's in the fetish category, and apparently for hair, no less. Personally, it doesn't appeal to me--but for those for whom it is essential to a good story, this may be just what they're looking for. Good luck with getting feedback!

 

[Guest]

Sorry, mate. I agree with BE about the lingo bit. Something didn't stick for me. It didn't go with the 'boy-child' bit (Am I correct in thinking the narrator was in his twenties? Or, was he older guy with 19th century vocaburaly?).

The Golden pube angle I liked, 'cos there are so many fake blondes around (My advice is to go to Iceland for real blonde pubes - the highest concentration of natural blondes anywhere on Earth!).

I didn't go further than the 'unneccesary muscle flexing' bit, but it gave me a good chuckle (Thanks).

Later,
CV

 

[nowis thetime]

,,,

 

[hairlover]

Hi all,

Thanks for your time, guys.

Have noted your reactions & shall try to do better next time round.

If I couldn't hold your interest beyond first few paras, perhaps the following excerpt from the story would make it worth the trouble of having replied to my thread.

'' Presently she had my total attention as her hair seemed now set to enter the melee, yet again. Angel now held one cupped hand in her front, the other gathering all that gold in a tuft to be placed in it. She was humming to herself as she continued to select strands of hair for the cup’s inner lining, totally oblivious to my obvious concern. Picking up large chunks, deciding on some and discarding others, she seemed intent on constructing a huge receptacle of her hair upon the cupped hand, not unlike a nesting bird lovingly creating for her dear offspring the softest and warmest abode by picking and choosing just the right stuff available.

Presently, a bewitchingly fluffy bright yellow roll made its appearance, held together by and almost hiding her both hands. She then surveyed the artwork, lifted it close to her nose and sniffed deep, a dreamy look on her face. She then looked up to face me with eyes wickedly gleeful, and extended that marvelous bedding to me, in a silent offer. As she approached my by-now fully erect organ, and smiled invitingly, it shot out like a homing pigeon and landed with a plop on that satin smooth golden hay.

As my battle-weary soldier wallowed in abject surrender in the golden siege repeatedly teasing and releasing it, cradling it adoringly like an infant, stroking and caressing it, I braced myself for that inevitable outburst, now beside myself with lustful anticipation. Angel didn’t seem overtly concerned, and continued inexorably to use that exquisite golden tub to administer the most erotic hair bath to my blessed organ. Her dexterous hands with their unbelievably exotic golden accomplice worked magically to bring out the best in it to the fore, as my entire apparatus worked itself in a frenzy yet again for the final showdown as it were. Cocooned in that golden silky maze, and driven to the brink of blissful ecstasy, it throbbed wildly, as I heard myself moaning with unbearable pleasure. ''
*******************************

Lastly, I hope this doesn't amount to misusing this board for self promotion, in which case Moderators may please feel free to delete / edit this post.

Thanks a lot & best regards.

 

[Guest]

Well said.

And beautifully written.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I haven’t read this kind of stuff since 1933!

No, seriously, I think I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to recreate those old-timey porn books, the ones with 'his throbbing manhood' and 'her cleft of Venus', where the characters cry out “I spend! I spend!” when they come. Classic porn, like The Autobiography of a Flea. I don’t know if anyone’s going to stand for it in this day and age though.

I have to confess that, while I like hair as much as the next guy, it’s nowhere near a fetish with me, so I doubt I’ll ever be as transported as Johnny looked like he was going to be, and the long build-up to the good part of the story left me bored. And it was a long, long build up. I really don’t think you had to start at Johnny’s birth, for example, to get to the actual start of the story. I mean, delayed gratification is one thing, but really: start the story where the story starts.

And you know, for all that talk about his troubled childhood, once the action started I still had no idea how old he was.

The business with her being a ‘counseler’ and treating him as part of her training was awfully hard to swallow, as was the first session where she had him take off his shirt and play the guitar(!). That must be a new one for Literotica.

For all that, the story has a kind of goofy charm, and I wouldn't be so quick to advise you to abandon that rather florid, 'gentleman's' style of writing prose as the other critics are. It gives the story a very prim and proper air that, if set off by some good smut, can be very effective.

As I said, hair for hair's sake doesn't do anything for me, but there is something hot about playing the guitar with your shirt off for your psychologist neighbor that's kind of appealing.

---dr.M.

 

[hairlover]

A big " Thank you" , Doc.

Am grateful for the kind words; especially so, for the not-so-kind ones.
Guess I really needed that... I actually asked for it.


Like Johnny-come-lately, I too was too full of myself while telling the story, at the expense of the readers. Obviously I need to rework my basics of story-telling. Have to rethink the language bit & also the plot.

Well, you live & learn !

Thanks again, for your time.