Reluctant ANAL Story, Seeks mature feedback.

[simpleDARK]

Greetings Folks,

I've lurked around here for years, even before creating a profile. I have one story on lit, but recieved almost no intelligent feedback. Yes, I have recieved SOME, but more often than not, some irate person begins screaming at me about rape, bleah bleah....

Anyway, I wanted to ask some of the folks here for REAL feedback on a story that is not technically BDSM. It's (Anal, True, Force, Reluct, first)

I am especially interested in responses from women. I try my best to make a story believable, readable and accurate reactions from characters is always important. My style is fairly unique, but I strive for believability.

What I'd like is honest feedback about various aspects of the story that you felt needed work, were unbelievable, and what areas were GOOD and WHY. Always WHY. I have recieved plenty of vague feedback, that never answers the simple question thats all important: WHY.

I am interested in writing some more, but without quality feedback, I will probably not be inspired to do any more....

Thanks for understanding,

simpleDARK

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=157390

 

[M's girl]

You want honest and "mature" feedback, though you only want to hear what suits you? So what is mature in your opinion? Doesn't work that way! I haven't read your story but if people start "creaming" you (as you say) about rape and so, well.... there's probably some aspect of that in there and there's always going to be people who don't like that. Yeah..... life's a bitch.....

If you can't stand the critics then maybe you shouldn't post on LIT....

 

[simpleDARK]

Perhaps I was unclear. Perhaps too polite. Re-read my post, it might help you understand what I am asking, because frankly you seem to be missing even a vague clue about what I was asking....

I want CONSTRUCTIVE feedback. Not "GO fukk yourself you rapist" or "Wow, hot fukk story, add more bitches"

Those hardly qualify as intelligent, Mature or even feedback, so yes... I want feedback MY way as you put it.... but I am still mystified as to the point of YOUR reply... and yes, LIT DOES work this way...

Perhaps I was remiss in believing the folks here were mature enough to answer a simple request. /shrug

<<walks off scratching his head>>

 

[Kajira Callista]

You want honest and "mature" feedback, though you only want to hear what suits you? So what is mature in your opinion? Doesn't work that way! I haven't read your story but if people start "creaming" you (as you say) about rape and so, well.... there's probably some aspect of that in there and there's always going to be people who don't like that. Yeah..... life's a bitch.....

If you can't stand the critics then maybe you shouldn't post on LIT....

That wasnt very nice

 

[Kajira Callista]

It was a nice story. Sorta vanillawith a sadistic twist...or maybe even a dominant discovering himself at 20. It was also written very well, thank you.

 

[M's girl]

Perhaps I was unclear. Perhaps too polite. Re-read my post, it might help you understand what I am asking, because frankly you seem to be missing even a vague clue about what I was asking....

I want CONSTRUCTIVE feedback. Not "GO fukk yourself you rapist" or "Wow, hot fukk story, add more bitches"

Those hardly qualify as intelligent, Mature or even feedback, so yes... I want feedback MY way as you put it.... but I am still mystified as to the point of YOUR reply... and yes, LIT DOES work this way...

Perhaps I was remiss in believing the folks here were mature enough to answer a simple request. /shrug

<<walks off scratching his head>>

OK, maybe I have to apologize. But this morning, before you edited your post (....) it read that people started "creaming" you. Now, I'm not a native English speaker but I could imagine what the word could be used for, what the alternative would be. I thought you maybe meant another word for moaning. I also told you I did not read your story, nor the reactions, but the way you stated it, it read as if you were disappointed you did not get more positive feedback. I totally agree that lines like "Go fuck yourself you rapist" and the likes are uncalled for, in any situation.

Anyway, this example, plus the editing of creaming into screaming is clearer. I consider myself to be mature enough to answer your simple request, thank you.

Besides that.... the BDSM Talk and Café, to my knowledge are a how to forum and a subforum to further discuss how to situations etc. I thought if you wanted feedback there was a special forum for that. Asking a question outside that forum may be confusing, as you see.

Also.... I still consider myself to be a fairly new poster on LIT. But I've been around long enough already to have noticed that there will always be a few people who think they have to scream or provoke. I think they call them Trolls here. Best thing is to ignore them. You can even put them in your ignore-list in your User CP.

 

[M's girl]

That wasnt very nice

You think so? I was saying the thruth. His explanation afterwards was somewhat clearer but after I read it this morning it sounded a lot like he just didn't get the feedback he wanted to see. Besides.... you tell me, without a further reference to the story (linked?) and the feedback he is talking about, he is asking the people in the BDSM cafe a question that is at the least not very clear.

Just my opinion.... and I am nice ( ) .... I even apologized for reacting to a post that has already been edited since....

 

[catalina_francisco]

Haven't had time to read your story so far but understand your frustration with feedback. I usually get good feedback as in constructive and/or appreciative, but occassionally you get those who have nothing better to do than voice their own personal likes and dislikes and expect writers to mirror and support them, Valid criticism is never unwelcome, but the "I think you're sick' or ' That is just so wrong because that is not what my life is like' are rarely worth losing too much sleep over as frustrating as they are.....lol, and I find many of those type feedback are given anonymously.

Catalina

 

[babiesmiles]

Besides that.... the BDSM Talk and Café, to my knowledge are a how to forum and a subforum to further discuss how to situations etc. I thought if you wanted feedback there was a special forum for that. Asking a question outside that forum may be confusing, as you see.

I never considered the Bdsm Talk and mainly the Cafè under a so strict "allowed /not allowed "set of rules .

This is a community , and if it is done with grace, as SimpleDark surely did , I think everyone can ask others about a wide range of things and advices even constructive feedbacks , encouragement and why not support and reassurance if one is feeling a bit unsure or getting stuck about essential things of life , like writing seems to be for SD .

I like the support we seem to be able to give each other and I wouldn't put fences but good taste and good sense in subject one is allowed to discuss here.

Btw the purpose of my post was not polemic at all ( I am not interested in polemics ) , but only aimed to raise the attention level about mutual tolerance which seems to me the most attractive feature of this board. So being not a native english speaker myself if some word could seem inapprpriate it is due to lack of proper knowledge about english language not made with controversial aims . b.

PS SimpleDARK , interesting work keep writing

 

[FurryFury]

I am, perhaps, not the best to give a useful critical analyses of your story. I will say I enjoyed it. I liked that you said it was a real experience of yours. I liked how you admitted that her pain and noise make you excited. I liked that she continued to let you in spite of her fear, humiliation and pain. I did wonder about the "tearing" thing. Was she really? Did she need medical help for that? Frankly it made me also want to know more about your journey to other, as you said, "darker" things.

Fury

 

[simpleDARK]

""I did wonder about the "tearing" thing. Was she really? Did she need medical help for that? Frankly it made me also want to know more about your journey to other, as you said, "darker" things."""

Her "tearing" was not bad... she did complain about stinging for the next few days and and some "pink stains".... Nothing serious, I assure you. Thank you for the reply.

As for the darker things.... well, I would consider writing about that part of my journey out of the vanilla world... true stories where I can come to terms with the things that have caught my interest ... some might even get pretty dark (but still tame by the standards that some here might use)...

As for the other replies, I must sincerely thank you all. I do not look for only positive critiscism, as one can never grow without an accurate picture of oneself. This was intended as the first story in my ...well... slide into things more dark. While yes, this is pretty vanilla, I must say with all honesty that my desire to persue more ....how shall I say... intense? rough? experiances like the one above continues to fuel my fantasies. Not rape, which unless done as roleplay does little for me, but rather the fact that as a "normal guy" I've finally admitted to delighting in something most people would call perverse...and no anal is not perverse. I enjoy the raw emotional responses... yes, even her discomfort. While many would not like such a things, the real turn on is a woman who ALLOWS a me to do so.... to endure the pain, discomfort and humiliation....

All this of course brings me to the "Corrupt side fo sex" and right smack-dab into this forum.

I believe, as I have come to learn....mostly from talking with other people that I just may slip into the role of a Dom in the future....as my tastes grow, and I ALLOW myself to persue the "less socially acceptable" side of sex... I feel comfortable here (In this forum).

While my own misconceptions about what a DOM was, have certainly changed, I have learned with the help of a sub (a friend, not lover) that I needed to look into this side of myself.

She told me flat out one day, that I was a natural DOM, and I didn't believe her because my impression of DOMs was (ignorantly) a "bully with a whip". Something I would never do. Bruit force is easy for me, as I'm 6'3" 235 lbs and after 8 years in the military, and training at the police academy I know how to FORCE people to comply. But force never excited me.... Psychology does. Understanding what a woman wants, needs and desires and then exploring that, gently taking her further ...and even past her previous limits, all concentually.... THAT turns me on. My sexual exploration style is more of a "comforting, observing, careful exploration, encouraging, and certainly protective (both mentally as well as physically) of the woman I am with. I have always found carefully testing limits, and eventually getting my partner to voluntarily step beyond them into untested waters... for me that is a personal Triumph, and the feeling it brings is akin to winning a race, award or some other victorious achievement.

None of that, I associated with "Dom-like behavior". Until recently, I have discovered, that I was perhaps wrong.

That is why I have begun lurking here....observing, learning and I have come to believe that the vast majority of people here hold a certain attitude and maturity that I am at ease with, and is sorely lacking with other forums and communities. Nobody is judgemental...or few are, and this is good.

Anyway, I felt that I needed to explain my motivations a little bit more, and I hope that folks will continue to impress me with the ease and maturity I have seen in the past here watchign from the dark.

Most Sincerely,

simpleDARK

 

[FurryFury]

<snip>

I enjoy the raw emotional responses... yes, even her discomfort. While many would not like such a things, the real turn on is a woman who ALLOWS a me to do so.... to endure the pain, discomfort and humiliation....

<snip>

But force never excited me.... Psychology does. Understanding what a woman wants, needs and desires and then exploring that, gently taking her further ...and even past her previous limits, all concentually.... THAT turns me on. My sexual exploration style is more of a "comforting, observing, careful exploration, encouraging, and certainly protective (both mentally as well as physically) of the woman I am with. I have always found carefully testing limits, and eventually getting my partner to voluntarily step beyond them into untested waters... for me that is a personal Triumph, and the feeling it brings is akin to winning a race, award or some other victorious achievement.

<snip>

Most Sincerely,

simpleDARK

Hi Simple Dark!

That is why I found the story interesting, right there. You put it very well. That dynamic is fascinating!

Fury

 

[DVS]

Yes there is a story feedback forum. It's just for requests like this, but it isn't a terrible thing that you've come to ask for opinions here. But, you might get evil posts or remakes from some that consider it against what the forum is for.

Actually, the BDSM forum is the more structured of the two, the Cafe being less so and allows a lighter atmosphere for almost anything to be posted, within reason. With only a few exceptions, the posts in the BDSM forum are usually somehow related to BDSM, although in the Cafe, there are no real rules on that.

But, this story is within the BDSM area, so I think you are in the clear with posting this request here. Just don't get too upset, if someone suggests otherwise.

The story itself was well written. It stayed within the POV and only had a few misspelled words. Those words were spelled correctly, but just not correct grammar for the sentences they were in. So, I'm assuming you did spell check, and spell check won't find correctly spelled words. Only an editor will hopefully find them.

Proof reading your own story is difficult. You won't find things like this. Editors can find things you won't. I've been astounded at what an editor can find in one of my stories, when I thought sure I looked it over before hand. Because I wrote it, I'm too close to it. An editor is just a reader who can find those little problems the writer doesn't see.


POV, story structure and spelling are all big things to watch for, because there are those out there who will ram you for not doing your due diligence with it. It seems you did OK in this area. I'd search out the misspelled words and fix them. There are a few other simple things that could be changed in this story, but basically, the mechanics are sound.

Writing for on line reading, it's best to not have any long paragraphs. It's difficult for the reader to follow the text. Breaking up those long paragraphs into smaller ones will help with eyestrain. And, using short sentences instead of longer ones also helps the reader absorb what's happening. And we always want the reader to enjoy what we write, right?

Below I've used an example to show what I would maybe change...but this is all up to you as there are NO set rules on this type of thing. When someone is talking in a long paragraph, I like to start a new paragraph when that speaker is finished. It's not a strict rule, but it helps with the paragraph structure and it also allows the reader to take a break mentally, knowing that character is finished speaking, and another paragraph has started.

It's difficult to explain what this does, but it kind of cleanses the reader's pallet, if you will. It makes it a little easier to follow the story line. I've also broken a few longer sentences up into smaller ones, just as an example for style.

Italics are just to separate your text from mine in this post. First, your paragraph, as is...


Oddly balanced with one hand on her hair I began to fuck her again, and watch her beautiful face cringing in pain with each stroke as I went faster and faster. She turned her face back into the futon mattress to hide her almost constant crying now, and I couldn't believe she was still letting me take her. I was sawing deeply in and out of her and could barely make out her whimpering as I did so, but it sounded like she was repeating "I can't, I can't, it hurts" and I knew my time was limited, so I fucked her harder, leaning down on top of her as she began to unconsciously pull away. Quickly grabbing the pillow from earlier, I pushed it under her hips, and she collapsed on it, but not so much that I couldn't still enter her.

`Stop, stop....please stop!"

I pretended not to hear, because I would have to stop without coming if I did hear it, and I needed to come. My full weight was on her now and in between breaths and clenched teeth, I hissed "I'll cum. Just let me cum. I'll be quick. I promise," punctuating each sentence with a hard, deep stroke. She seemed to relent, but continued to whimper and moan with each of my now desperate thrusts. I was almost raping her now. Her sobs and tears clearly visible with her face in the air, I was making her scream silently by twisting my hips savagely each time I was in to the hilt. With one final shove I was in to the root when I began to cum uncontrollably, shooting what seemed like a weeks worth of hot salty cum into her now torn anus.

Now, how it might be done to help the mental flow, for the reader...


Oddly balanced with one hand on her hair I began to fuck her again. I watched her beautiful face cringing in pain with each stroke as, I went faster and faster. She turned her face back into the futon mattress to hide her almost constant crying now. I couldn't believe she was still letting me take her. I was sawing deeply in and out of her and could barely make out her whimpering as I did so.

It sounded like she was repeating "I can't, I can't, it hurts." I knew my time was limited, so I fucked her harder, leaning down on top of her as she began to unconsciously pull away. Quickly grabbing the pillow from earlier, I pushed it under her hips, and she collapsed on it, but not so much that I couldn't still enter her.

She pleaded with me. `Stop, stop! Please stop!"

I pretended not to hear, because I would have to stop without coming if I did hear it, and I needed to come. My full weight was on her now and in between breaths and clenched teeth, I hissed "I'll come. Just let me cum. I'll be quick. I promise.” Each sentence was punctuated with a hard, deep stroke.

She seemed to relent, but continued to whimper and moan with each of my now desperate thrusts. I was almost raping her now. Her sobs and tears clearly visible with her face in the air, I was making her scream silently by twisting my hips savagely each time I was in to the hilt.

With one final shove I was in to the root when I began to cum uncontrollably, shooting what seemed like a weeks worth of hot salty cum into her now torn anus.

It's not a difficult thing to do, and nothing has really changed. It just breaks it up and the reader doesn't need to look so intensely at the text, to follow the story. Think of it as allowing the story to take breaths. Maybe that's a bad analogy? I said it's difficult to explain.

What you had written works, too, but the whole idea is to help the flow of the text to help the reader. Again, there are no rules on this, just personal preference, in most cases.

I hope you don't mind me chopping up your story. Overall, it was a good read "as is", and the story line was fluid and well written. These minor changes are only my opinion and nothing more. I do suggest you check into getting you a good editor. A good editor will do wonders for a good writer. Also, there are a couple good "how to" stories on writing, in the how to story section. The usage of quotes, paragraphs and commas can be quite affective, when writing.

Oh...no, I'm not an editor and I don't want to be.

 

[simpleDARK]

DVS, My sincere thanks. I will certainly try to adapt future writing to make the readers online experiance more ... pleasurable. I type faster than I speak, and if I break the flow of a sentance/paragraph to edit or make corrections, I completely lose my train of thought and the paragraph becomes choppy and unreadable.

I gues you can call it: instinctual writing. Spelling....mark twain once said something like: "I have little respect for somebody who doesn't have atleast two good ways to spell a word"

Again thanks DVS.



Fury - I'm glad that the psychological aspect of a story/situation/character appeals to you.... its something thats very important to me in whatever I write/read. I think it lends so much to a story...

Perhaps this means the typical stroke story is not somehting I will ever attempt to write... /grin


--SD

 

[bblobby]

double ended

My wife and i bought a double ended vibrator, so we can both enjoy anal sex at the same time, and it is somthing else, the sensations are out of this world