Religiously irreverent

[ffreak]

OK, I don't know about you, but I need more laughs in my life, on a regular basis. You could almost say I'm religious about reading the funny papers. Well, really, the electronic funny paper. I like how I can pick and choose my own selection of comic on the web. I do software development, among other things, specializing in what works across many platforms (brands of computers and operating systems). I use Opera for testing, and since it lets me keep multiple windows that open to where they were before, I get to see my selection of comics on a daily basis.

Well, now that I've lulled you with that nonsense, here is something I got from today's Non-Sequitur offering that pretty much sums up my opinion on religion and the divine humor of irreverence:

God does the talk show circuit:

I think my best creation was the sense of humor. The irony of course, is that the people who claim to believe in me the most are the ones least likely to have one.


I like well done humor, even when it uses or lampoons a holy figure. I think God has a sense of humor, what other explanation is there for a Dodo bird?

One day God was bored, so St. Peter suggested that He, and Jesus join St. Peter to play at this brand new golf course. God said he had always wondered about that game, so they came down to earth and started playing a round. At the fifth hole, there was a lake as a water hazard. The course was designed to play around the lake to get to the green. St. Peter hit his ball and lined it up fairly well to be hit back to the green on the other side of the lake. Jesus followed suit and hit his just a couple of inches from Peter's. God stepped up to the tee, but instead of lining up to hit it like the others, he lined up to hit it across the lake. Jesus said, "wait a minute, that's too far. The ball will simply fall in the lake." God paid no attention to him and hit the ball anyway. True to the prophecy, the ball went only about half-way across the lake and into the water. Jesus said, "see, I told you." God said, "be a good Son and go get it for me." Jesus walked out across the water, shaking his head and stopped in the middle of the lake and said, "come here." The ball immediately popped-up out of the water and into his hand. He came back to the shore and placed it on the tee, then said, "OK, now hit it down where we did and let's get on with this." God said, "I think I can make it this time with a little adjustment." Jesus shook his head and said, "If it falls in the lake this time, you're going to have to go get it yourself." Sure enough, God swung the club and the ball arced out over the lake, but fell short. God said, "Jesus." Jesus said, "I told you. You can go get it yourself." So God walked out across the water to find the ball. Just then, a couple of golfers came over the rise in their cart and screeched to a halt, both staring wide-eyed and God standing on the water. One yelled out, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Jesus said, "Naw, Tiger Woods."



Please feel free to add your own irreverent humor - no charge.

 

[Just_John1]

I love a challenge...

Two nuns were driving in their car and a bug with the head of the devil landed on the windsheild and began to scream at them. The second nun said to the first, "hit him with the windshield wipers that'll knock him off."

The first nun turned on the windsheild wipers but the devil bug hung on tenaciously.

The second nun yelled to the first "Hit him with the windshield washers! I filled it with holy water before we left!" The first nun followed directions and hit the windshield washers... which only made the devil bug begin to scream at the nuns louder, but still he hung on.

The second nun yelled at the first nun once again... "show him your cross show him your cross!"

and the first nun leaned out the window and shouted "get the fuck off the window damn it!"

Well I thought it was funny... Guess it only shows how warped my sense of humor is.

JJ1 the irreverant

 

[Omni]

>>>>>And Laughing at both your jokes!!!


Omni

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore was a friend of mine, and I'm a little surprised that he hasn't sinned more than that!"

Archangel Michael replied, "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

GOD BLESS AMERICA

 

[Guest]

God is British

God is in Heaven, knackered and bored. He's decided to take a holiday and calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.

St. Peter says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warm there this time of year." God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty."

"What about Pluto?" suggests Michael the archangel. "No way!" God mutters. "I went there 10,000 years ago. Fucking freezing it was too."

"What about Mercury?" asks St. Paul. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again."

"I've got it," says Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

"You must be joking," says God, laughing heartily, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it."

 

[champagne1982]

Balance

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them..."

 

[Guest]

I have something . . .

Someone sent this to me -

"Subject: Ask Dr. Laura...
Date: Tue, 1 Jul 2003 19:27:43 EDT

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Joe MacDougall"

 

[damppanties]

God and University

Why God never received tenure at any university...


1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

 

[TheEarl]

A catholic priest is on a long haul flight and suddenly notices that the Pope is sitting across from him, doing a crossword. The priest thinks, "Ooh, I'm great at crosswords. Maybe he'll get stuck and ask for my help."

Almost immediately the Pope turns to him and asks "Excuse me, can you think of a word for 'Referring to a woman'? Four letters, ending in -unt?"

The priest racks his brains thinking "I can't tell the Pope that! There must be another answer." Eventually he turns in triumph and says "I believe the word you're looking for is 'Aunt.'"

"Aah, yes of course," says the Pope. "Umm, I don't suppose you have any Tippex do you?"

The Earl

 

[TheCleaningLady]

Not Funny At All

Your use of our Lord's name in a vulgar and racist joke is very sad for all of us.

"I like well done humor, even when it uses or lampoons a holy figure. I think God has a sense of humor, what other explanation is there for a Dodo bird?

One day God was bored, so St. Peter suggested that He, and Jesus join St. Peter to play at this brand new golf course. God said he had always wondered about that game, so they came down to earth and started playing a round. At the fifth hole, there was a lake as a water hazard. The course was designed to play around the lake to get to the green. St. Peter hit his ball and lined it up fairly well to be hit back to the green on the other side of the lake. Jesus followed suit and hit his just a couple of inches from Peter's. God stepped up to the tee, but instead of lining up to hit it like the others, he lined up to hit it across the lake. Jesus said, "wait a minute, that's too far. The ball will simply fall in the lake." God paid no attention to him and hit the ball anyway. True to the prophecy, the ball went only about half-way across the lake and into the water. Jesus said, "see, I told you." God said, "be a good Son and go get it for me." Jesus walked out across the water, shaking his head and stopped in the middle of the lake and said, "come here." The ball immediately popped-up out of the water and into his hand. He came back to the shore and placed it on the tee, then said, "OK, now hit it down where we did and let's get on with this." God said, "I think I can make it this time with a little adjustment." Jesus shook his head and said, "If it falls in the lake this time, you're going to have to go get it yourself." Sure enough, God swung the club and the ball arced out over the lake, but fell short. God said, "Jesus." Jesus said, "I told you. You can go get it yourself." So God walked out across the water to find the ball. Just then, a couple of golfers came over the rise in their cart and screeched to a halt, both staring wide-eyed and God standing on the water. One yelled out, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Jesus said, "Naw, Tiger Woods."

You seem to think that Christ is some kind of a joke. It will not be that funny on Judgment Day, believe it, friend. Please stop blaspheming here. If you have no concern for your soul, at least you should be respectful of the sensibilities of others who find that sort of language, that sort of blaspheming repugnant.

The Cleaning Lady

 

[Guest]

Re: Not Funny At All

Your use of our Lord's name in a vulgar and racist joke is very sad for all of us.

"I like well done humor, even when it uses or lampoons a holy figure. I think God has a sense of humor, what other explanation is there for a Dodo bird?

You seem to think that Christ is some kind of a joke. It will not be that funny on Judgment Day, believe it, friend. Please stop blaspheming here. If you have no concern for your soul, at least you should be respectful of the sensibilities of others who find that sort of language, that sort of blaspheming repugnant.

The Cleaning Lady

What are you doing on this site? Did the Christian Science reading room close early tonight?

And God, by the way, does have a marvelous sense of humor. He tolerates bigots and narrow-minded fools who protest incessantly in his stead.

*sigh*

 

[raphy]

I'm sorry, did I force my atheism on you? Did I berate you for not being atheist? Did I say that you offended my atheist sensibilities?

I don't think so.

Don't preach if you're not being preached to.

 

[Seattle Zack]

It's just one of those morons from the GB, escaped from their sandbox, they've been posting the exact same thing all over the place.


So a priest, a rabbi, and an alligator walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, a joke ...?"

 

[Chicklet]

Re: I have something . . .

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

lmao!

I remember reading this a while ago, and I still think it's hilarious!

 

[The_old_man]

Religious freedom also implies freedom FROM "Religion."

 

[TheCleaningLady]

Re: Re: Not Funny At All

What are you doing on this site? Did the Christian Science reading room close early tonight?

And God, by the way, does have a marvelous sense of humor. He tolerates bigots and narrow-minded fools who protest incessantly in his stead.

*sigh*

The Lord will forgive you all of your sins. Prayer can even cure that breast cancer. Think about it before you shut the door on your Savior.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

ROFLMFO....

Man... the Dr. Laura one nearly made me pee my pants.

I don't have a long funny joke to share but I did see an amusing bumper sticker the other day.

It read:

JESUS CHRIST IS COMING!
Lets hurry up and look busy...

I got a little chuckle out of it anyways...

~WOK

 

[CWatson]

Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

 

[Why]

Re: Re: Re: Not Funny At All

. Prayer can even cure that breast cancer.

No..... it can't. Prayer to what ever you believe in can give you the strength and courage to take the treatment and battle it with your heart and mind... But cure it.... nope...

Question: How the hell have you the time to post 37 times in one go!!!!!!!

 

[gauchecritic]

Paradoxically

The Lord will forgive you all of your sins. Prayer can even cure that breast cancer. Think about it before you shut the door on your Savior.

No qualifying dates or actions required, for the first sentence. No need for the rest of the paragraph.

Gauche

 

[Guest]

Re: Paradoxically

No qualifying dates or actions required, for the first sentence. No need for the rest of the paragraph.

Gauche

Well said as usual gauche.

But I must direct this to the aforementioned religious Nazi -

Jesus would slap the shit out of you!

 

[LorriLove]

hiya

holy smokes what's all this about.

priest walking through town, a lady of the night approaches him.

'fancy a quickie darling' she whispers.

'go away young lady i know nothing of you or your ways' replies the priest somewhat confused.

a week later in town again yet another girl in a short skirt with her tits hanging out almost approaches him.

'fancy a quickie my love'

'no, i know not what you mean go away and leave me alone' the priest is most perplexed.

on his return to the local convent he approaches the mother superior.

'umm i hope you can help holy mother, but i have a question, what's a quickie?'

'£20 same as down town father why?'

lorri xxxxxxxxthe religious

 

[TheEarl]

Re: Not Funny At All

Your use of our Lord's name in a vulgar and racist joke is very sad for all of us.

"I like well done humor, even when it uses or lampoons a holy figure. I think God has a sense of humor, what other explanation is there for a Dodo bird?

You seem to think that Christ is some kind of a joke. It will not be that funny on Judgment Day, believe it, friend. Please stop blaspheming here. If you have no concern for your soul, at least you should be respectful of the sensibilities of others who find that sort of language, that sort of blaspheming repugnant.

The Cleaning Lady

TCL: This is why I'm not a Christian. I wholeheartedly believe in God and follow most Christian beliefs, but I dislike a lot of the dogma that travels with religion. It's the closed mind attitude: 'We have all the answers.' I hate that, because we quite blatantly don't have all the answers. God moves in mysterious ways doesn't cut it. Mindless bigotry in the name of God is still mindless bigotry. I'm not accusing you of this, but many Christians are hugely bigoted against all sorts of minorities.

I think Icingsugar is currently quoting the film Dogma in his sig. My favourite quote is: 'What God gave us was a good idea. Now ideas are good because they can be changed, they can adapt. But beliefs are different. People die for beliefs. People kill for beliefs. It's a lot harder to change a belief. That's why I think people should believe less and have more ideas.'

I appreciate that you may find these jokes distasteful and against your religion and I respect that. But God gave us free will to use how we will. On here we use it for free speech. If you don't like, don't read. And remember to pray for us.

I'll leave with this parting thought. When I was 15 I was cheerfully informed by a devout Christian that my entire family was going to hell. All of them are the sweetest people you could meet and nice as anything. But apparently they were all condemned because they don't go to church every Sunday. So my family is worse than everybody who goes to church, no matter how bad those people are.

The Earl

 

[ffreak]

Dear Cleaning Lady,

I in no way wish to attack anyone with real faith. Nor do I think this a proper forum to debate religious differences. I would, however, be curious as to how a zealot can hack their way through what must be an offensive polyglot of eroticism, pornographic writing and pictures in threads and AV's to focus upon the relatively harmless parody of archetypal characters (not the real thing - of course to understand this difference you would need to invest much more time in following the sentiments posted here whenever any of our membership is in peril of health or grieving).

So, since I do not wish to seem as though I favor one particular dogma over another, here is another treat:

Three men; a catholic, a baptist, and a christian scientist, are leaving a brothel. As they cross the street, a bus speeds through out of control and kills them. Immediately a priest appears and administers the last rites for the catholic. Friends rush up and start crying over their friend the baptist. The christian scientist is laying in the curb saying to himself, that is not an elbow coming out of my nose.

All of a sudden the three find themselves in front of Satan.
He chuckles and says, "Bet you didn't expect to find yourselves here, did you?"

The catholic looks at him disdainfully and says, "I have nothing to worry about. I know my family will pray me out of here."

The baptist snorts and says, "They'll get it all straightened out, then I'm out of here, too. After all, once saved, always saved."

The christian scientist says, "I ain't believing this."

-FF (I'm not fond of pharisees)
ps. we only tease the ones we love, and I would offer the following for consideration - read, then study.
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
-from The Gospel According to Matthew

 

[Mysteryjj]

Pa!!!

Why are you all being so nice to the religious nut, just tell them to *Go forth and Multiply*.

Religious belief has killed and is still killing more innocents in this world than any other 'disease' has or ever will.

 

[TheCleaningLady]

Dear Cleaning Lady,

I in no way wish to attack anyone with real faith. Nor do I think this a proper forum to debate religious differences. I would, however, be curious as to how a zealot can hack their way through what must be an offensive polyglot of eroticism, pornographic writing and pictures in threads and AV's to focus upon the relatively harmless parody of archetypal characters (not the real thing - of course to understand this difference you would need to invest much more time in following the sentiments posted here whenever any of our membership is in peril of health or grieving).

So, since I do not wish to seem as though I favor one particular dogma over another, here is another treat:

Three men; a catholic, a baptist, and a christian scientist, are leaving a brothel. As they cross the street, a bus speeds through out of control and kills them. Immediately a priest appears and administers the last rites for the catholic. Friends rush up and start crying over their friend the baptist. The christian scientist is laying in the curb saying to himself, that is not an elbow coming out of my nose.

All of a sudden the three find themselves in front of Satan.
He chuckles and says, "Bet you didn't expect to find yourselves here, did you?"

The catholic looks at him disdainfully and says, "I have nothing to worry about. I know my family will pray me out of here."

The baptist snorts and says, "They'll get it all straightened out, then I'm out of here, too. After all, once saved, always saved."

The christian scientist says, "I ain't believing this."

-FF (I'm not fond of pharisees)
ps. we only tease the ones we love, and I would offer the following for consideration - read, then study.
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
-from The Gospel According to Matthew

Your first point is well taken. This is not necessarily friendly country here for me, and I accept that fact. I am not foolish enough to think that a website with a name which contained the word "erotic" was going to be about church activities. I understand that there are many people here who find my presence disquieting or perhaps even offensive to their way of life. But you see, ffreak, that is why I come here. Have you ever heard the expression "preaching to the choir?" Well, there is a lot of that going on these days. I am not physically able to do much in the way of missionary work (or anything else for that matter), so I decided to bring my message here, to this website, in the hope that I might help another person find his way to (or back to) Christ. It would be silly of me were I to go wag the finger of faith for people on the MiracleCrusade.com The whole point is to bring the message where it is needed most. I see a lot of very troubled people here who might want some help. The private messages I have been receiving indicates that it is true.

Your quote from Mathew is an interesting one. You understand, of course, that during his life here on Earth, Jesus was a teacher. Most of what he taught was what might be called by some “fundamentalist Judaism.” When Saint Mathew makes reference to the words you quote in your post, Christ is reminding us of the law of Torah, the first five books of the Oold Testament, in particular that portion of Deuteronomy found at 6:4-9:

"And thou shalt love the Lord, thy God, with all thy heart and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be engraven upon thy heart. And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and speak of them when thou sittist in thy house, and when thou goest on the way, and when thy liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a token upon thy hand and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shall write them upon the door posts of thy house, and upon thy gates."


Last but not least, I need to say at this point that I am not going to engage in a lot of Biblical debate and dialog. I do that other places with people who like that sort of thing. I suspect the vast majority of the people who read the posts on this website would find such a discussion boring. Wouldn’t you agree, dear?