Released

[PyroDemon]

I have a couple of questions that are of personal nature and ones that have been bothering me for a while, but as of today they became very important. I have tried to figure a way to make this thread and not make it sound like I am whining or crying in my beer. So lets take it on a clinical nature instead of what I feel about it.

As a Dom/Master have you ever made the promise that at anytime your sub/slave desires she or he may walk away with no bad feelings? Even though you both still love each other and are best friends? And if you did, how did it turn out? Did it last as long as 10 to 20 years before it was ended? Did you stay together long after you released her/him from their bonds? Did you go so far as to set them up in life and do your best to grant their wish to move on and grow? Oh, and was it you or her that ended it? I am not talking short term flings but long term investments and commitments.

 

[A Desert Rose]

You know, now that I think of it... I've never been released. He refused to do that. He said I'm his 'til we die.

I'm still trying to figure out, months later, what he THINKS he's holding on to.

LOL

 

[incubus'_sub]

I'm interested to know why you appear to believe that B & D relationships are different to any other? Quite a few people here seem to view it the same way, as if it's somewhat mystical in it's own significance.

All relationships have a fairly strong beginning ie there has to be a pretty good reason to get together. Often, in our case, it starts as a Dom/sub thing. It can either grow & flourish or wither & die, depending on the people involved and how their needs are met by each other, not just the B&D part, but their total connection. The length of time it takes is irrelevant really, as is what happens to the partners if they break up.

Most people go into a relationship with great hopes for a future. Most people try hard to make things work. But, we are human, we fall in & out of love, we change, our needs & wants change & promises we make particularly at an early age can become impossible to honour as we mature. I'm not talking B&D here, but life views as we are multi faceted creatures. Being Doms or subs doesn't change that at all. Yes, we make commitments, but in reality they are easy to break. Many of the people here have owned or been owned by multiple people.

Basically we all seek a life partner who shares as many interests & desires as we do. We would all like to find our perfect match. Some people will be prepared to settle for a close second choice, others will continue to search for the elusive Mr/Ms Right, discarding unsatisfactory relationships as they go, be it marriage, de facto or collaring.

You do sound sad & I'm sorry if that is the case, but no matter who or what we are, sometimes things don't work according to our grand plans.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You know, now that I think of it... I've never been released. He refused to do that. He said I'm his 'til we die.

I'm still trying to figure out, months later, what he THINKS he's holding on to.

LOL

It's good you can smile about it.....as to what he is holding on to..likely his ego which is sad. His loss though.

I also can't help you ToyDoc as I was greedy and decided I was not going to settle for anything other than 100% and until that time I would just play and experiment a little. I have only submitted and accepted a collar from one and he says I will not ever walk out of his life no matter what might happen...have to say the feeling is mutual.

I imagine it is a painful process to go through, and the dynamics of how it proceeds would depend on those involved, and whether there was ever any prior discussion as to how it would be accomplished if the time ever came. I wish you well and hope if this is a personal situation you are dealing with that it works out in a way which makes you both feel free to move forward confidently and happy.

Catalina

 

[PyroDemon]

It is not such a painfull thing. One of my reasons for wondering about people in this lifestyle is that it is not common for a relationship to end with both parties agreeing. As for a B/d realtionship. I think it is deeper than a mere marriage. My relationship has been fantastic, and I have known for awhile were it would go. The fact that I refuse to comprimise and get less than 100 percent is why. Like I said, this is not about me as much as about what others have known. I know what I am going to do, am happy with it, and support her fully.

 

[FungiUg]

As a Dom/Master have you ever made the promise that at anytime your sub/slave desires she or he may walk away with no bad feelings? Even though you both still love each other and are best friends? And if you did, how did it turn out? Did it last as long as 10 to 20 years before it was ended? Did you stay together long after you released her/him from their bonds? Did you go so far as to set them up in life and do your best to grant their wish to move on and grow? Oh, and was it you or her that ended it?

Um... a "fling" is probably a good description of what happened with our submissive last year, although otherwise that fairly reasonably describes what happens.

With my relationships, I always want to know that my partner is with me because she WANTS to be. And in reality, the only thing keeping a relationship working is that the people in it want it. So... saying to a submissive that she can "walk away with no bad feelings" is really only just an admission of reality.

 

[A Desert Rose]

It's good you can smile about it.....as to what he is holding on to..likely his ego which is sad. His loss though...

Catalina

About once a month I want to hunt him down and hurt him. Otherwise yes, I can laugh him off.
And you're absolutely right... it was ALWAYS about ego and pride for him.


Now back to the real topic... It sounds like you are experiencing some true life changes, ToyDoc. I personally view that as new beginnings and new opportunities. Those are always exciting doors to open, for me at least.

Given time, I hope you will see it that way, too.

 

[recycling]

It is not such a painfull thing. One of my reasons for wondering about people in this lifestyle is that it is not common for a relationship to end with both parties agreeing. As for a B/d realtionship. I think it is deeper than a mere marriage. My relationship has been fantastic, and I have known for awhile were it would go. The fact that I refuse to comprimise and get less than 100 percent is why. Like I said, this is not about me as much as about what others have known. I know what I am going to do, am happy with it, and support her fully.

I think these relationships tend to be deeper than marriage as well. there is a deeper connection. It's as if it's known there is a purpose to these connections, as if to give participants the opportunity to taste the love that we all are, the great Oneness of all that is inside us Love/Hate/Evil/Good~ and if we can face the demons & the temptations & the darkness & the night, we touch it again and again and again and we learn to live in that beautiful paradise as the magical source/creators that we are all meant to be

ahhhh *heavy sigh* nothing ever ends,
... changes... are not difficult when you realize the connection remains. The truth will live forever. The truth is love.


...maybe the purpose is just to get a taste of that great Oneness. maybe we shouldn't question. maybe we should just "let it be"
vulnerability is difficult for many, not only men and the safest place to express it~ is where you know your sex is sacred

~recycling

 

[incubus'_sub]

Oh dear, that's all a bit airy fairy for me.

Lots of people see marriage the same way I suppose. My view is that they are setting themselves up for disappointment as almost no partner can hope to live up to such ethereal expectations.

 

[FungiUg]

I think these relationships tend to be deeper than marriage as well. there is a deeper connection.

On the other hand, I would disagree. Any long term relationship, ANY, should have a deep connection. Without it, what's the point?

For those who are into D/s, a long term relationship will likely only have that level of connection if it includes some form of D/s. Funny that. But for those who aren't, they can establish a deep connection around other things.

As in everything, people need to find what works for them individually. Nothing is a formula.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I agree with you both (Fungi and incubus' sub.)

A relationship is a relationship. When it falls apart, whether it's a traditional marriage or a D/s or a D/s/marriage... for most people it is devasting, on one level or another.

Whatever you've expected or invested or given freely, when it's over, regardless of the 'type' of relationship it is, you will suffer.

How much one suffers is relative. Who can say that my best friend's crumbling vanilla marriage is less painful than someone else's D/s break up?

I'm sure not going to make that judgement call.

 

[catalina_francisco]

On the other hand, I would disagree. Any long term relationship, ANY, should have a deep connection. Without it, what's the point?

For those who are into D/s, a long term relationship will likely only have that level of connection if it includes some form of D/s. Funny that. But for those who aren't, they can establish a deep connection around other things.

I disagree that those into D/s and a long term relationship need that D/s component to have a deep connection. We were not interested in a vanilla relationship and so found each other because we sought another who shared a similar 24/7 D/s vision of how it would be, and also share a love that was deep enough to make a life commitment possible....we were fortunate to find each other, but there is no doubt (and we have discussed it often) that if one of us for some unforeseen reason was unable to maintain the D/s dynamic we now love so much in our lives, that depth of connection would remain, and we would continue to be a couple fully supportive and loving each other.

The whips do not fly every moment of the day, contrary to the fantasies many have, so there has to be a deeper connection to keep the sparks alive in every sense of the word in those vanilla like moments we all have....there has to be more to make any day fulfilling and meaningful, at least for us. My recent loss was one instance where our bond was seen by many and yet was not D/s in it's appearance or delivery...just the strength and support most would hope to find in a partner when they were under such pressure and grief. Interestingly though, the suport I had from Francisco far surpassed that I saw and heard of by other vanilla family members who openly admitted they would have loved to have felt what we had.

Catalina

 

[PyroDemon]

Catalina, I do not know you or Francisco except from what I have read. But you do understand what is involved if you are to keep something going as long as I was able to. We made a similiar pact between us and for I guess it has been for the last 10 years our life has been what most would call vanilla. I mean she is still a submissive, she is just no longer either in need of what we had betwen us before that or her tastes have changed. She explains it often But it doesn't really matter, what she wants in that matter is the important part. Hence the reason she allows me to play when I need. But again, that turned into another long term relationship. My wife has been with me thru thick and thin, seen the good and the bad and has supported me in everything I have done or desired. So of course I fully support her and will always love her. If I didn't then I would have be fooling both me and her these last 20 years.

What I was so interested in and finding to be so true is that few D/s based relationships last as long as ours has. Mostly due to the fact that like you said, the whips do not fly everyday. A constant life with someone is not the fantasy most think it will be. But what realationship is? The ratio is not good for anytype of relationship that is 24/7. They take hard work, alot of it. Maybe I should wright a book on it someday. I can be as omnipotent as the next guy and say I know all the answers to a relationship as I read over my divorce papers. I do know one thing that I find I remember most lately. Not once have I ever thought or said I wish I had never met her.

We made a pact when we hooked up before we married that laid out the ground rules. It changed over the years. I am finding out alot of people like the idea, but they do not want to have to hold up to one. They all think that going with the flow and not having an idea of what they are getting into part of the excitement. I agree, there is an element of suprise to it. I just do not think many in any relationship do as we did. We were not unique, simply not the norm any more. People do not want less than they feel they deserve or desire. I damn sure can't blame them there. I think alot more need to really think before they enter into something like that. I am sure most enter into a relationship with the idea of it never ending, some do. I know I cannot go into one without thinking it will never end. Unless I admit to myself up front it is just a "fling".

 

[PyroDemon]

This thread was not mean't as a "poor ole Doc" kind of thread like so many others. Or a why are relationships so terrible and people just suck one. I just thought it would be cool to find out how many others here have done like we did.

So all of you that think I am just crying in my beer can kiss my ass. I have way too many things and options in my life to be a whiner about something like this. Besides, there are just way too many lonely asses out there just begging for a spanking.

So how did you make it last or did they even? Who cares if it hurt or what ever. Just kind of getting an idea for the ground rules on my next 20 year fling. That is, if I want to have one.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina, I do not know you or Francisco except from what I have read. But you do understand what is involved if you are to keep something going as long as I was able to. We made a similiar pact between us and for I guess it has been for the last 10 years our life has been what most would call vanilla. I mean she is still a submissive, she is just no longer either in need of what we had betwen us before that or her tastes have changed. She explains it often But it doesn't really matter, what she wants in that matter is the important part. Hence the reason she allows me to play when I need. But again, that turned into another long term relationship. My wife has been with me thru thick and thin, seen the good and the bad and has supported me in everything I have done or desired. So of course I fully support her and will always love her. If I didn't then I would have be fooling both me and her these last 20 years.

What I was so interested in and finding to be so true is that few D/s based relationships last as long as ours has. Mostly due to the fact that like you said, the whips do not fly everyday. A constant life with someone is not the fantasy most think it will be. But what realationship is? The ratio is not good for anytype of relationship that is 24/7. They take hard work, alot of it. Maybe I should wright a book on it someday. I can be as omnipotent as the next guy and say I know all the answers to a relationship as I read over my divorce papers. I do know one thing that I find I remember most lately. Not once have I ever thought or said I wish I had never met her.

We made a pact when we hooked up before we married that laid out the ground rules. It changed over the years. I am finding out alot of people like the idea, but they do not want to have to hold up to one. They all think that going with the flow and not having an idea of what they are getting into part of the excitement. I agree, there is an element of suprise to it. I just do not think many in any relationship do as we did. We were not unique, simply not the norm any more. People do not want less than they feel they deserve or desire. I damn sure can't blame them there. I think alot more need to really think before they enter into something like that. I am sure most enter into a relationship with the idea of it never ending, some do. I know I cannot go into one without thinking it will never end. Unless I admit to myself up front it is just a "fling".

I can relate to much of what you say. I guess for me it is a matter of being through one marriage long ago that did not meet my needs, and a few relationships since that left me feeling something was missing and in part led me to where I am today. It has also given me an added security in that we have both entered into this in later years with both our life experiences to have learnt from and found what it was we wanted above all else. The D/s was part of that, but neither of us was going to settle for a relationship which held just that and a deep affection at best, so we spent the time we needed looking at every aspect of each other long before meeting and bringing the physical elements into it. I think this has made a huge difference, especially as it has meant we had that time to get to know each other, develop respect and love, instyead of being unconsciously influenced by physical contact. Admittedly, this does not work for everyone and takes a lot of work and commitment, but it is possible.

We know we will both grow through the years, and this has already been part of our relationship where changes have come about, but always with discussion and an acknowledgement we both want to move through those changes together at whatever cost. Part of that cost has never been a parting of ways though as that is just not possible in the type relationship we have. It is TPE 24/7 and any power or rights I have are at his discretion...fortunately he values me for who I am and is secure in who he is to an extent he doesn't feel he needs to limit my experiences and talents, instead utilising them in a way which serves him, but at all times it is understood by both of us that I will not be given my freedom...and I guess for us that is also part of the attraction of TPE. Despite that TPE element though, there is the commitment to work through anything that becomes an issue in our relationship, not just he exercising his right as Dominant to dictate how it must be.

I know many think this is a fantasy to believe, and for many it is, but for us it is the commitment borne out of wanting to finally be in a relationship which fulfils our specific needs which we have both come to accept after a life of seeking and experimenting until we found that which made us soar far beyond the clouds. Any experimentation we do now is done together and is toward a unified point. Perhaps if we had met at a younger age, and before we had experienced a variety of situations, we may not have been able to feel so sure we now are where we want to remain in both a D/s and vanilla sense. I know of many D/s relationships which have been as long as yours, some longer, and still remain intact.

I think you are right when you say many do not think before entering a relationship, D/s or vanilla...and yes, it is a lot of work and commitment and there is a need to realise that 24/7 TPE isn't a re-enactment of The Story of O for the rest of your life, nothing but activity related D/s, and the rest falling magically into place. Everyone is human, and Dominant or submissive we all have our off times which then need to be handled in the best possible way on the day. Contrary to belief, there is little room for ego to run out of control. I admire you for handling this time in your life as you are and unlike many you are not allowing your pain at this time to turn you bitter and resentful toward the one you still love..that is not always easy to achieve and many do not succeed. I hope you are able to find another relationship to follow on from this point in your life which will be just as enriching and fulfilling, though possibly with some variation and uniqueness of it's own. I think you will find many here who will understand and be willing to be there if you ever need them.

Catalina

 

[PyroDemon]

Thank you for your kind words Catalina. I hope I did not make people think I was mad at them for posting and voicing their opinions. I am glad everyone has and hope they continue. Just a few of the " quit whining and get out" emails from fools made me want to tell them all in one sentence to screw off.

I wish you and Sir_Winston good luck and long lives with both of your relationships. I believe both of you are approaching them with sensible goals and ideas. So far everyone has valid reasons and they all work for them. I am finding some very intellegent people to discuss this with.

One thing I like is that online women don't simply want me for my body( hold on, I am laughing so hard my sitiches are tearing), and I can relax and let them love me for my brains and humor. I have been rode hard and put up wet way too many times in my life and the scars show. Best they like me before they see me. I am in no hurry, a quick sex fix is easy. I am just havinbg fun right now getting to know a select group and enjoying their company. Yes I am a picky self centered bastard.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am just havinbg fun right now getting to know a select group and enjoying their company. Yes I am a picky self centered bastard.

LOL, fun is good and therapeutic from time to time....as for picky, hmmm I used to be accused of that but I thought of it more as selective based on self knowledge of needs and wants. Never could grasp why so many people felt I should spend time completing a prescribed number of dates (usually seemed they suggested minimum of 6) with people who clearly would not fulfil what I needed to be happy and loving, and be loved. I was told by somone it was to do with being polite and thoughtful, I saw it as a recipe for possibly falsely building up someone for something that could never be, then trying to deal with the guilt of their hurt feelings when it was time to part ways...then again, I also find many people do this and then reach a point where they don't know how to extricate themselves, so talk themselves into thinking it can work if they just believe it and manage to change the other person into someone else.

Catalina