Relationships: What in the world happens to men over 40?

[Guest]

Help me with something.... because I am having a very very hard time with this...

I have been told the same thing by at least three men within the last two years... that last just the other damn day

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

both of these comments came almost verbatim from three different men... I would have to add in there well if you were thinner as well.... however they all seemed to want young girls that would follow them like puppies.... why.... why in the world would they want a girl that they could train like a puppy that has no life experience at all ... why would they not wish a more worldly woman that can uderstand them day in and day out.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Because some men manage to live 40 years without ever having a life. You just managed to have a serious run of bad luck, sweetie. Don't worry, they'll go away because they're afraid the wife might find out, eventually.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

These guys must have just turned forty recently...actually I prefer a woman with a little more experience in her past.

Women who have reached forty seem to be more concerned with other thing than themselves. Families, friends, organizations, children, pets and those things that make up your life. They seem a little more mellow.

Women who are under thirty always seem to be in a hurry to find something. What that something is I haven't the faintest idea. And they seem to be so uptight about things in general.

Now I'm just generalizing here, not all forty and up are level headed and not all thirty and under are airheads. Just most of them.

 

[3113]

I think a lot of 40 year old men forget what women that young are really like. They have this imaginary 20-something in mind and they don't remember that real 20-somethings come with a lot of drama, a lot of demands, and a lot of uncertainty because many of them haven't yet settled on what they, themselves, want in life.

I can tell you that my husband wouldn't touch a woman under 30 with a ten-foot pole. But I do know plenty of young women who will go for older men. And I can tell you this...your best revenge on these three men is to hope that they get exactly what they want. Because the girls I know who want those older men will make their lives hell.

I have to ask though...why not go for younger men? They've got great energy and they really appreciate it when you bake them cookies

 

[Tricialen]

Help me with something.... because I am having a very very hard time with this...

I have been told the same thing by at least three men within the last two years... that last just the other damn day

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

both of these comments came almost verbatim from three different men... I would have to add in there well if you were thinner as well.... however they all seemed to want young girls that would follow them like puppies.... why.... why in the world would they want a girl that they could train like a puppy that has no life experience at all ... why would they not wish a more worldly woman that can uderstand them day in and day out.

Who can understand the mysteries of men? My ex was my high school sweetheart. After twenty years of marriage, three children, and a mortgage, he let his hair grow, got his ear pierced, wanted to drive my Mita, and left me to look for someone younger, slimmer, etc...very funny now when I think back on it but at the time...it hurt.

So, I lost fifteen pounds, joined a gym, took a wonderful vacation, and started dating a man eight years younger than me. At our divorce hearing the judge read part of a letter my lawyer had sent his lawyer about him wanting someone slimmer. The judge looked at him, then at me, then told him he was out of his mind. I didn't mind the divorce after that. I knew that it wasn't me....it was him that was lacking in every way....

 

[kiba]

you talked to the WRONG men

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Who can understand the mysteries of men? My ex was my high school sweetheart. After twenty years of marriage, three children, and a mortgage, he let his hair grow, got his ear pierced, wanted to drive my Mita, and left me to look for someone younger, slimmer, etc...very funny now when I think back on it but at the time...it hurt.

So, I lost fifteen pounds, joined a gym, took a wonderful vacation, and started dating a man eight years younger than me. At our divorce hearing the judge read part of a letter my lawyer had sent his lawyer about him wanting someone slimmer. The judge looked at him, then at me, then told him he was out of his mind. I didn't mind the divorce after that. I knew that it wasn't me....it was him that was lacking in every way....

And do you have an interest in older men?

 

[TE999]

Help me with something.... because I am having a very very hard time with this...

I have been told the same thing by at least three men within the last two years... that last just the other damn day

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

both of these comments came almost verbatim from three different men... I would have to add in there well if you were thinner as well.... however they all seemed to want young girls that would follow them like puppies.... why.... why in the world would they want a girl that they could train like a puppy that has no life experience at all ... why would they not wish a more worldly woman that can uderstand them day in and day out.

Sounds like you hit a school of life losers.

I'd try my luck further down the pier.

 

[Tricialen]

And do you have an interest in older men?

I seem to have an interest in Bears...very strange...and yes, older men can be interesting.

 

[SeaCat]

Help me with something.... because I am having a very very hard time with this...

I have been told the same thing by at least three men within the last two years... that last just the other damn day

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

both of these comments came almost verbatim from three different men... I would have to add in there well if you were thinner as well.... however they all seemed to want young girls that would follow them like puppies.... why.... why in the world would they want a girl that they could train like a puppy that has no life experience at all ... why would they not wish a more worldly woman that can uderstand them day in and day out.

Sounds like a couple of guys who never grew up.

Then again I have been married for 16 years and love my wife without reservation.

Then again my wife and I actually talk to each other.

I would never cheat on my wife, nor would she cheat on me. We have considered adding another to our mix, but we are very picky as to what we want.

We are honest with each other. Maybe this is why we have been together as long as we have been.

Cat

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elizabetht
Help me with something.... because I am having a very very hard time with this...

I have been told the same thing by at least three men within the last two years... that last just the other damn day

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

both of these comments came almost verbatim from three different men... I would have to add in there well if you were thinner as well.... however they all seemed to want young girls that would follow them like puppies.... why.... why in the world would they want a girl that they could train like a puppy that has no life experience at all ... why would they not wish a more worldly woman that can uderstand them day in and day out.

Who can understand the mysteries of men? My ex was my high school sweetheart. After twenty years of marriage, three children, and a mortgage, he let his hair grow, got his ear pierced, wanted to drive my Mita, and left me to look for someone younger, slimmer, etc...very funny now when I think back on it but at the time...it hurt.

So, I lost fifteen pounds, joined a gym, took a wonderful vacation, and started dating a man eight years younger than me. At our divorce hearing the judge read part of a letter my lawyer had sent his lawyer about him wanting someone slimmer. The judge looked at him, then at me, then told him he was out of his mind. I didn't mind the divorce after that. I knew that it wasn't me....it was him that was lacking in every way....

Men are not mysterious. Generally speaking, what you see is what you get. Some are stupid, Tricia, and your ex-husband is one of them.

 

[SweetWitch]

When I was a sleek, kittenish 20-something, certain types of men over 40 were constantly chasing me. Something I always noticed about these men was that they always seemed to have an idea of who I was -- or more aptly, who I should be according them -- before ever speaking to me. The few who I actually dated didn't want a woman, but a decoration.

It always ended the same way. As soon as they found out that I have a brain and my own ideas of what a relationship should be, they would be frightened off.

I chalked it up to insecurity. They fear anyone with a mind of her own. They fear anyone who challenges their ideals. They fear someone who may have more intelligence than themselves. They fear someone who can see through their bullshit to the real men underneath, something that's not pretty. And they fear their own mortality.

Having a pretty "girl" on their arms helped them to believe that they could be young forever. Having one that worshipped them and saw to their every need, stroking their egos along with their manhoods, helped them to feel like men.

My friends and I used to laugh at them, but really they should be an object of pity. There are many truly wonderful men out there who are over forty. They are vibrant, kind and caring. But there are some who just will never learn how to be truly human.

Elizabeth, don't despair. The one is out there.

 

[Guest]

Because some men manage to live 40 years without ever having a life. You just managed to have a serious run of bad luck, sweetie. Don't worry, they'll go away because they're afraid the wife might find out, eventually.

It just amazes me I actually think I asked one of them "so... you want to date your daughter??" I just couldnt understand what the sudden appeal was.

These guys must have just turned forty recently...actually I prefer a woman with a little more experience in her past.

Women who have reached forty seem to be more concerned with other thing than themselves. Families, friends, organizations, children, pets and those things that make up your life. They seem a little more mellow.

Women who are under thirty always seem to be in a hurry to find something. What that something is I haven't the faintest idea. And they seem to be so uptight about things in general.

Now I'm just generalizing here, not all forty and up are level headed and not all thirty and under are airheads. Just most of them.

The last two were both 43. I asked one exactly what would be thrilling about having to explain things to someone that could not even fathom what they are talking about. I have always been "old" for my age... in experience, maturity and life preparedness. There wasn't a whole lot they could toss at me that I wouldn't understand or didn't have a basis of knowledge to delve through to have common ground.

I think a lot of 40 year old men forget what women that young are really like. They have this imaginary 20-something in mind and they don't remember that real 20-somethings come with a lot of drama, a lot of demands, and a lot of uncertainty because many of them haven't yet settled on what they, themselves, want in life.

I can tell you that my husband wouldn't touch a woman under 30 with a ten-foot pole. But I do know plenty of young women who will go for older men. And I can tell you this...your best revenge on these three men is to hope that they get exactly what they want. Because the girls I know who want those older men will make their lives hell.

I have to ask though...why not go for younger men? They've got great energy and they really appreciate it when you bake them cookies

I think part of going after the younger ones makes THEM feel younger just about the time they are feeling old. Hell one of them even told me that their little 19 year old (yes I said NINETEEN!!!) made them feel hot, wanted, exciting, for being wanted and with someone so young. I said yes she wants you for your money and what you will do with her. Funny enough I was having a conversation with him not a MONTH after I said those words... interesting that she went back to the 52 year old man that lived near her... told the guy I knew that he was just a summer fling "Like those Vegas commercials ya know, I just wanted to have fun and not get serious, cause I have a boyfriend already ya know" (yes she actually said that)

My problem with younger men: I was never a partier, never played the bar scene, never did the "20 year old girl" thing. I was WAY to busy being reasonable for myself, my siblings, and a whole host of things that make someone grow up really really fast. I could never stand the guys that were just a touch older then me, the early twenty somethings that were still out drinking, drugging, and partying while I was trying to study, work, and take care of my family. Like someone said, I like seasoning on my men, I want them OUT of that stage of their lives before I will even look their way.

Who can understand the mysteries of men? My ex was my high school sweetheart. After twenty years of marriage, three children, and a mortgage, he let his hair grow, got his ear pierced, wanted to drive my Mita, and left me to look for someone younger, slimmer, etc...very funny now when I think back on it but at the time...it hurt.

So, I lost fifteen pounds, joined a gym, took a wonderful vacation, and started dating a man eight years younger than me. At our divorce hearing the judge read part of a letter my lawyer had sent his lawyer about him wanting someone slimmer. The judge looked at him, then at me, then told him he was out of his mind. I didn't mind the divorce after that. I knew that it wasn't me....it was him that was lacking in every way....

I am still in the stage that you were in right there at the beginning of your divorce... it hurts. I am not a thin woman... and I will be in a more stable enviroment real soon like so that I too can head to the gym, because honestly I love going. (Lincoln NE here I come).

And that was probably the best feeling in the world having another man look at you and tell your soon to be ex that he was nutso for walking away.

Sounds like a couple of guys who never grew up.

Then again I have been married for 16 years and love my wife without reservation.

Then again my wife and I actually talk to each other.

I would never cheat on my wife, nor would she cheat on me. We have considered adding another to our mix, but we are very picky as to what we want.

We are honest with each other. Maybe this is why we have been together as long as we have been.

Cat

Cat, there isn't a post of yours that goes by that I don't think that you and Mrs Cat are just the most amazing people/couple that I have the good fortune to be an "internet voyeur" on tiny bits of your lives.

When I was a sleek, kittenish 20-something, certain types of men over 40 were constantly chasing me. Something I always noticed about these men was that they always seemed to have an idea of who I was -- or more aptly, who I should be according them -- before ever speaking to me. The few who I actually dated didn't want a woman, but a decoration.

It always ended the same way. As soon as they found out that I have a brain and my own ideas of what a relationship should be, they would be frightened off.

I chalked it up to insecurity. They fear anyone with a mind of her own. They fear anyone who challenges their ideals. They fear someone who may have more intelligence than themselves. They fear someone who can see through their bullshit to the real men underneath, something that's not pretty. And they fear their own mortality.

Having a pretty "girl" on their arms helped them to believe that they could be young forever. Having one that worshipped them and saw to their every need, stroking their egos along with their manhoods, helped them to feel like men.

My friends and I used to laugh at them, but really they should be an object of pity. There are many truly wonderful men out there who are over forty. They are vibrant, kind and caring. But there are some who just will never learn how to be truly human.

Elizabeth, don't despair. The one is out there.

Yes, the mind, the brains behind the beauty. And yes I agree with the having a pretty girl making them feel young when they suddenly feel like "old fat white men" (yep again both of the recent ones said just that). I feel badly for them in a way... because that nice piece of jewelry (the 20ish waif) that they tossed me over for will eventually toss them over for another man that they can milk for money, trips, pretty new baubles to amuse them... they will because "out dated and old fashion" and eventually it will be "gee yes dad" and then the little girls are gone. (yep... already happened to one of them).

 

[Xelebes]

Hint: These guys want children. They don't want somebody who is too far past their fertility prime (i.e. older than mid 30's.) They've toiled lots for their lot in their life and now they have an empty nest to fill and they are hoping that they are not too late.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

I don't live my life or my desires by what you see in Hollywood films. And that's where some of the impetuous comes from as it's a marketable niche. You know, older men having fantasy lives made real by bedding young and nubile women. They're entitled to that possibility, since it is possible for whatever reason, but seeing a 60-year-old guy hook up with an "open-minded and willing" late 20's to early 30's year old woman doesn't say shit to me.

I would care less about that if you saw the opposite situation in the pop media as much. And I have no problem with getting with a woman older than my 38 years. None whatsoever.

I'm not going to deny the sexual attraction of a much younger woman than my age —*youth does have sexual power and it'd be foolish to dismiss that outright — but my being mentally attracted to a woman has little to do with her physical youth. I'd get with Betsey Johnson (below) simply because she is a vibrant, exciting and interesting woman and I feel that I wouldn't be disappointed in bed because of it. And Hayden Panettiere she ain't.

http://i.ivillage.com/WB/breastcancer/celebs/WB_BetseyJohnson_325.jpg

The better fellas will see you for you and act accordingly, with both the respect and desire due to you. You just gotta meet those fellas.

 

[Belegon]

I'm 42. I have no real age bias. The woman I love is not 23 and yet is wisely recognized by both me and the rest of this board as infinitely desirable.

I think you need to throw the losers to the curb and keep looking. We aren't all like that.

And I know that I sure as hell would not treat you that way.

BTW, I have my times where I also think that I am an old, fat white guy. I think that is normal.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Help me with something.... because I am having a very very hard time with this...

I have been told the same thing by at least three men within the last two years... that last just the other damn day

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

both of these comments came almost verbatim from three different men... I would have to add in there well if you were thinner as well.... however they all seemed to want young girls that would follow them like puppies.... why.... why in the world would they want a girl that they could train like a puppy that has no life experience at all ... why would they not wish a more worldly woman that can uderstand them day in and day out.

Excuse me? Man, I'm telling you, if someone were to denigrate groups of women like this... oh no wait I just won part of a bet today testing this out on the GB...

I'm coming up on 40 and I would rather swim around in burning hot oil before I dated a young girl, even if I were single. I don't care how good looking she is.

Edited to add: I have always been an intellectual, not a party goer.

 

[past_perfect]

I'm coming up on 40 and I would rather swim around in burning hot oil before I dated a young girl, even if I were single. I don't care how good looking she is.

Edited to add: I have always been an intellectual, not a party goer.

Hm, so that means that women under 30 can't have an attractive personality or scintillating intellect?

I have no age bias either. I've been together with partners who were either of my own age, older and younger. My last relationship as it happens was with a 28 year old (am 45), but not because of any particular expectations of that particular age group, but rather in spite of them.

I think the three specimen you met there are probably not representative for my age group, but have issues of one kind or another.

 

[The_Trouvere]

Help me with something.... because I am having a very very hard time with this...

I have been told the same thing by at least three men within the last two years... that last just the other damn day

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

both of these comments came almost verbatim from three different men... I would have to add in there well if you were thinner as well.... however they all seemed to want young girls that would follow them like puppies.... why.... why in the world would they want a girl that they could train like a puppy that has no life experience at all ... why would they not wish a more worldly woman that can uderstand them day in and day out.

In his book The Evolution of Human Sexuality Donald Symons wrote that men have an instinctive preference for women from the ages of 18 to about 29 because they are best able to bear healthy babies. Women, on the other hand, have an instinctive preference for successful men. Each preference is unfair to those left out. Neither will change. Nevertheless, all women are young once. Most men never achieve any degree of success worth talking about.

Because men and women desire different things in each other a strategy for one is dysfunctional for the other. A man should spend his youth trying to become successful in a prestiguous career. At the very least he needs to establish himself in a profession or skilled trade. For a young woman, marriage should have the higher priority. And she should stay married, for reasons that you are discovering.

Most men and women understand this intuitively. That is why men usually make more money than women.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Hm, so that means that women under 30 can't have an attractive personality or scintillating intellect?

I'm sure some could. I wasn't willing to wait for that insight straight flush to pan out. (Why is it offensive for me to say that, but not when a woman says that? )

I would avoid women of that age group just to avoid ever hearing "men my age are so unworthy of me."

Don't worry, though, my wife is in my own age group.

I have no age bias either. I've been together with partners who were either of my own age, older and younger. My last relationship as it happens was with a 28 year old (am 45), but not because of any particular expectations of that particular age group, but rather in spite of them.

Well, if I were single I just wouldn't be willing to risk it. I've been rubbed utterly raw by all the arrogance coming from the younger crowd.

 

[Recidiva]

What I'm wondering is - are you attracted to a type of person that might not be your...best choice of mate?

Take it from someone who always inexplicably fell for gay men.

That was a while ago, but I kept wondering why it happened.

The attraction for the unavailable, uninterested Bored Grail.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Nevertheless, all women are young once. Most men never achieve any degree of success worth talking about.

Exactly. That is why I say even when a man wins, he loses: he only won because he managed to play by her rules. Even when you're rich, you're playing by her rules: lose that money and, exceptions aside, you can set a clock by what happens next.

Once again, I'm so glad I have daughters. They'll have their youth and they'll inherit money and a profitable business, too. They won't be seen as expendable like men are.

 

[Liar]

"You don't really need a man and I want a woman that needs a man. I want a woman that just cannot wait to see me and be with me. You seem to have everything covered already."

also....

"I want a woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have children, takes my breath completely away. I just cannot see myself with someone that has been divorced three times. I mean really why didnt you stick them out?"

I can understand the first quote. It' can be seen as a kind of romantic notion. I've been in a relationship where I bent over backwards to devote myself to the relationship, where I was the one who couldn't wait be with her, whereas she seemed to treat the whole relationship with a shrug. I wanted a woman that neededme, because I was a man that needed her. She was the most important thing in my life, and I was somewhere down there at number 15 to 20 on her list. And that is very off-putting.

The second quote is just dickish. Laugh and walk away.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

In his book The Evolution of Human Sexuality Donald Symons wrote that men have an instinctive preference for women from the ages of 18 to about 29 because they are best able to bear healthy babies. Women, on the other hand, have an instinctive preference for successful men. Each preference is unfair to those left out. Neither will change. Nevertheless, all women are young once. Most men never achieve any degree of success worth talking about.

Because men and women desire different things in each other a strategy for one is dysfunctional for the other. A man should spend his youth trying to become successful in a prestiguous career. At the very least he needs to establish himself in a profession or skilled trade. For a young woman, marriage should have the higher priority. And she should stay married, for reasons that you are discovering.

Most men and women understand this intuitively. That is why men usually make more money than women.

Once again, I'm so glad I have daughters. They'll have their youth and they'll inherit money and a profitable business, too. They won't be seen as expendable like men are.

LT's post describes how nature is cruel to women. LJ has focused on the "expendibility" of men described in the "What are men good for thread," but women have perhaps an even crueller cross to bear - perishability.

 

[oggbashan]

I think that the men described in the first post are not seeing a person at all but their fantasy.

I'm well over 40. As King Og I'm several thousand years older than that.

I can be attracted to women of any age in two ways:

1. How they look and move - that is a superficial attraction and I consider it similar to an attraction to a work of art, a beautiful landscape, or a piece of music - I enjoy the impression without the need to change it or own it.

2. The person that the woman is. That is far more important to me and could lead to a relationship as a friend. Nothing more - I'm married, have been for a long time and want to stay with my wife until one of us dies.

What the men seem to be saying is that they want Elizabetht to be someone she isn't, the ideal woman that they have in their head. Until they are capable of a relationship with a real person as she is, they are a waste of time.

Og