~Dream~
Loving My Soulmate Scott
- Joined
- May 21, 2002
- Posts
- 18,275
Sometimes,some of us put the success of our relationship into the "hands of love'.With only a vague and romantic concept of what love means,we wait for love to do it all.
We want to believe that love solves all interpersonal problems,dilutes all differences,dissolves fears and anger,resolves all conflicts and,surrounding us with strength and warmth,will bring us to eternal bliss.This,like waiting for our instincts to guide us,has proved no more satisfacory than a solution.Having loved and lost,most of us have become suspicious of love.Too often we have reached out in what we believe to be love,only to recoil in awe at its power to collect tyrants and to cause pain..Even where love is perfect,it is still not a total solution to a relationship..BDSM or otherwise..
We often see NEED as immature ,and DEPENDANCE as weakness.It is true that we are all alone.This knowledge is devastating to many of us.Still,it is a FACT.We are brought into the world alone , and we will,no matter how many people love us,have to die alone..In between ,we will have to grow alone,make personal decisions alone ,and determine our choices for change and growth alone .Most of us feel this mounting sense of aloness all our lives..
Love and relating help to make the knowledge of aloneness more bearable.The arms of a mother enfolding the newborn infant lessens the impact of birth trauma as does the warm hand touching ours later in life which gives us the necessary courage to accept pain.Through growing SELF-DISCLOSURE in committment to each other,we minimize our isolation.
So we must ,at last,accept full responsibility for the success or failure of emerging from aloneness and our coming together in love .We cannot look to instincts or even count on deep love .
The only hope lies in a Serious study of our realtionships.We must try to know better who we are,who the other is,and what dynamics are recquired to keep us united.. This holds true for BDSM relationships as well as for others ..
To a large extent we know and define ourselves as individuals by examining the patterns of our relationships..
Over the years we find that we are recquired to adapt to different types of relationships in order to fill the new,complex physical,social and emotional needs for nurturance,for companionship,forsexuality,for security,for status,for growth.
To bring another into our life through love ,we must be willing to give up certain destructive characteristics for example:
1.The need to always be right.
2.The need to be First in everything.
3.The need to be pefect.
4.The need to be loved by everyone.
5.The need to be free of conflict and frustration.
6.The need to change others for our needs.
7.The need to blame or manipulate.
It's not surprising that even the Healthiest individuals and yes those too in BDSM realtionships have relating problems.When 2 or more individuals move torward each other willfully ,either in or out of love ,the processes which will bring them together and keep them together,will be monumentally complex. Balance and security will be shaken.New behaviours and changes will be recquired.
Depending upon our level of experience,ability to adjust ,our needs,we will respond differently to theses demands.There are several strategies to use to deal with the problems we may face..
1.We can deny that they exist.
2.We can acknowledge their existence but avoid doing anything about them..
3. We can harden ourselves against them and live with them.
4.We can view them as irreversible and terminate the relationship.
OR:
We can take them on as a challenge from which we may profit,realizing that, over time, the more we have learned about problem-solving and relating,the greater will be our ability to love each other as individuals and to have a great relationship..I truly hope that MOST of us will accept the LAST possibility over the others..
~Dream~
** Comments appreciated
We want to believe that love solves all interpersonal problems,dilutes all differences,dissolves fears and anger,resolves all conflicts and,surrounding us with strength and warmth,will bring us to eternal bliss.This,like waiting for our instincts to guide us,has proved no more satisfacory than a solution.Having loved and lost,most of us have become suspicious of love.Too often we have reached out in what we believe to be love,only to recoil in awe at its power to collect tyrants and to cause pain..Even where love is perfect,it is still not a total solution to a relationship..BDSM or otherwise..
We often see NEED as immature ,and DEPENDANCE as weakness.It is true that we are all alone.This knowledge is devastating to many of us.Still,it is a FACT.We are brought into the world alone , and we will,no matter how many people love us,have to die alone..In between ,we will have to grow alone,make personal decisions alone ,and determine our choices for change and growth alone .Most of us feel this mounting sense of aloness all our lives..
Love and relating help to make the knowledge of aloneness more bearable.The arms of a mother enfolding the newborn infant lessens the impact of birth trauma as does the warm hand touching ours later in life which gives us the necessary courage to accept pain.Through growing SELF-DISCLOSURE in committment to each other,we minimize our isolation.
So we must ,at last,accept full responsibility for the success or failure of emerging from aloneness and our coming together in love .We cannot look to instincts or even count on deep love .
The only hope lies in a Serious study of our realtionships.We must try to know better who we are,who the other is,and what dynamics are recquired to keep us united.. This holds true for BDSM relationships as well as for others ..
To a large extent we know and define ourselves as individuals by examining the patterns of our relationships..
Over the years we find that we are recquired to adapt to different types of relationships in order to fill the new,complex physical,social and emotional needs for nurturance,for companionship,forsexuality,for security,for status,for growth.
To bring another into our life through love ,we must be willing to give up certain destructive characteristics for example:
1.The need to always be right.
2.The need to be First in everything.
3.The need to be pefect.
4.The need to be loved by everyone.
5.The need to be free of conflict and frustration.
6.The need to change others for our needs.
7.The need to blame or manipulate.
It's not surprising that even the Healthiest individuals and yes those too in BDSM realtionships have relating problems.When 2 or more individuals move torward each other willfully ,either in or out of love ,the processes which will bring them together and keep them together,will be monumentally complex. Balance and security will be shaken.New behaviours and changes will be recquired.
Depending upon our level of experience,ability to adjust ,our needs,we will respond differently to theses demands.There are several strategies to use to deal with the problems we may face..
1.We can deny that they exist.
2.We can acknowledge their existence but avoid doing anything about them..
3. We can harden ourselves against them and live with them.
4.We can view them as irreversible and terminate the relationship.
OR:
We can take them on as a challenge from which we may profit,realizing that, over time, the more we have learned about problem-solving and relating,the greater will be our ability to love each other as individuals and to have a great relationship..I truly hope that MOST of us will accept the LAST possibility over the others..
~Dream~
** Comments appreciated
