Relationship with a chronically ill partner

[operaBaritone]

Hi,

In this case I am the chronically ill potential partner but...

From either side,

How does one sustain a relationship with someone who's chronically ill?

And

How does someone who's chronically ill sustain a relationship?

I guess it depends on the illness, in my case it's bipolar.

Thanks,
opera

 

[PublicAffection]

I am a firm believer that there is someone for everyone. Yes, if you are having medical issues it may make certain aspects of your relationship difficult to keep up with (you might not feel well enough to go "out" for dates, you may need more support from the relationship than your partner does, etc.) but that doesn't make it impossible.

You and your partner will always have different skills and strengths that you bring to your relationship. The key is to realize that while chronic illness is never fun, it doesn't define who you are as a person.

 

[Chica91730]

It does depend on the illness but I think the main key is like all relationships is communication.

My husband has cancer that will be terminal one day and it is just making adjustments to the things. You will have to communicate with your partner about how your feeling and things that are bothering you. My husband has mood swings and gets tired all the time. So we figured out that most of his mood swings were from not eating regularly. He is usually tired at night so most of our sex has moved to the morning when he has more energy.

It is a little more difficult being with someone that has an illness but not impossible to maintain a relationship. Each side just needs to communicate.

 

[NomadLady]

Hi,

In this case I am the chronically ill potential partner but...

From either side,

How does one sustain a relationship with someone who's chronically ill?

And

How does someone who's chronically ill sustain a relationship?

I guess it depends on the illness, in my case it's bipolar.

Thanks,
opera

Communication, staying on top of your meds and watching out for failure of your meds. If you love one another, nothing is impossible.

 

[Bandit58]

My Husband/Dom is chronically ill. He has renal failure and is on home haemodialysis for 8 hours 3 times a week. He also has arthritis and suffers chronic pain 24/7.

First of all, we work as a team. Communication is vital. It's not just His illness, it affects both of us. Your partner should know what meds you are on and the appropriate dosages. We each keep an up to date med list on us at all times in case of emergency.

Your partner should know how you are feeling from day to day, and you should know how they feel too. With us, it's not uncommon for plans to have to be put off at the last minute. Again, communication. Do not bottle up frustration, either of you, because there WILL be days when you feel like nothing is going right. A kiss, a cuddle, a light touch to say "I know" helps a lot.

With us, sometimes sex has to take a back seat. But intimacy is always in the forefront. A kiss, a cuddle, even both of us lying down just for a nap together, works wonders for keeping the love alive. We've had to adapt sexual positions to compensate for His pain, and even if He sometimes can't get an erection hard enough for penetrative sex He's quite capable of enjoying a blowjob to completion. He's expert at finding my G spot and I have no complaints about not being satisfied sexually PIV isn't necessary for a satisfying sex life.

 

[operaBaritone]

Thanks to everybody who replied

If anybody else has a story to share, I'd love to hear it. If it's not something you want posted, I read my PMs often so, if that's any easier, I'd be very happy to hear from others.

opera

 

[ravenmx]

I am not chronically ill but I did have breast cancer and for a year was ill pretty much every day or was in pain from the side affects ect. I had bad mood swings from the steroids and tired very easily.

Just communicate. If your having a off day then say it, if you in a pissy mood then say it, if your tired then say it. As long as you communicate how your feeling or what your feeling then it makes it easier for your partner to put up with what is going on.

As far as sex it wasn't something we did often. But we did make sure to cuddle, kiss, hold hands and say I love you often. We talked about it and why it was hard to get in the mood. It wasn't easy but if you and your partner understand and communicate it makes it a whole lot easier.

 

[fuckmeat]

When my Mistress became ill with leukaemia it put a great strain on our relationship but we managed to keep going and hold onto the love that we had for one another. You have to make the most of the good days and treasure the wonderful memories you've made together when the bad days roll around again. Chronic illness means you need to live in the moment. Every good and precious moment will pass but every bad and traumatic one will too. Keep the bad vibes and your self doubt from spilling into your good times and don't look back over the past unless it's to treasure a memory or learn from experience.

Many people with chronic illness stick their head in the sand and try to act as though nothing is really wrong. By posting here it's obvious that you don't want to do that but sometimes denial can be very seductive. You need to be realistic about what you can and can't handle, compromise wherever possible and keep your partner in the loop about what kind of day you're having. Putting a brave face on everything will store up resentment in time, while giving your partner a false impression of how you're feeling inside. Being open and frank about your good and bad days will make it easier for you both to handle them and move on with positivity and optimism.

Many people with mental health issues find their coping mechanisms and effective drugs and then they kind of slide off the map medically. Make sure you get your condition and meds reviewed regularly and don't be afraid to seek extra support or advice if life is becoming particularly hard to handle. Because your condition is outwardly invisible, you have to be your own advocate and tell people when you need access to professional care. Being realistic and pro-active about managing your condition is one of the best promises you can make to yourself. And never lose hope or optimism. New breakthroughs are made in medication and research every day. There is always hope for better understanding and treatment of any health condition. Start familiarising yourself with research that's ongoing into bipolar and maybe even do some fundraising for a mental health charity or to fund research. Maybe you can become part of the cure and get involved in providing information for research. Giving back makes you feel easier about seeking help when you need it. In the end it's all karma and if you keep your karmic account in credit who knows how you might be rewarded in return.

Find a support group nearby, get to know people and don't be afraid to go and share your woes when you need to. Sometimes a partner can feel overwhelmed and too relied upon. If you can find other outlets and support for your condition it will lessen any perceived 'burden' on your partner. Also, a partner can only ever understand so much, only other people who have suffered just as you have can truly empathise and there will be times when you need that. If you join a support group when you're in a good place rather than a bad one, you'll be familiar with everyone when you do have problems. You can be a strength to them until the time comes when it's you who needs understanding and advice.

Be honest with your employer too. There will always be the occasional prejudiced fuckwit in any working environment but if you make your boss aware of your condition at least they'll be able to better understand where you're coming from and even make allowances. It is illegal to discriminate against you based on your mental health and so long as you're a good and diligent employee, you should have nothing to fear from making people who need to know aware of your condition. Don't ever let anyone make you ashamed.

And always keep your perspective. As a citizen of a developed western nation you're already one of the richest people in the world. While bipolar is trying and there is still a stigma attached, you still hopefully enjoy generally good physical health and independence. There are always things to be grateful for.

Best of luck.

 

[operaBaritone]

Wow, thanks meat, I really appreciate your detailed response