relationship issues

loveroflove

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I got into a relationship with a wonderful guy about a year ago, he is kind and caring. however, i like cannot seem to care deeply about him. i care for him more like a friend. i dont want to break up with him because he is so nice, him and his family both! but i dont love him. this make the sex not tht good, and make me avoid having sex altogether. i dont know what to do. :(
 
So if you take advice from strangers this will ease your conscience?

Your posts reads "I am unhappy, should I stay unhappy? Please tell me what to do."
 
What would a hypothetical perfect relationship look like?
 
what would you need in order to love your current partner?
 
I got into a relationship with a wonderful guy about a year ago, he is kind and caring. however, i like cannot seem to care deeply about him. i care for him more like a friend. i dont want to break up with him because he is so nice, him and his family both! but i dont love him. this make the sex not tht good, and make me avoid having sex altogether. i dont know what to do. :(

Admit that if you don't love him deeply by now, you never will. Do both of yourselves a favor and let him go so that both of you can find the one you DO love deeply and who love you deeply in return. I'm sure it will hurt him; but in time, he'll know that you did the kindest thing. You can't not break up with someone you don't love just because they're "nice". Does that seem fair to him?
 
Admit that if you don't love him deeply by now, you never will. Do both of yourselves a favor and let him go so that both of you can find the one you DO love deeply and who love you deeply in return. I'm sure it will hurt him; but in time, he'll know that you did the kindest thing. You can't not break up with someone you don't love just because they're "nice". Does that seem fair to him?
/thread. If he found out you were just stringing him along because you didn't want to hurt his feelings, how do you think that would make him feel?
 
This is a pretty common issue for women - they get involved with a guy before realizing they just aren't attracted to him. What you need to realize is that you are never going to desire him. A romantic relationship with someone you don't desire is never going to be healthy or strong. (Excluding cases like two asexuals in a romantic relationship with each other.)
 
You don't want to hurt him.

Do you care enough about him as a person to let him find someone who can fall head-over-heels in love with him?
 
Well...

Obviously you have to end things. You spent a year with this guy, that's time invested for both of you. Stringing someone along isn't at all cool. Be direct but kind about it and allow him closure. Just dumping and disappearing is immature and cruel. You're young and figuring things out. I hope you've learned from this experience.
 
Well...

Obviously you have to end things. You spent a year with this guy, that's time invested for both of you. Stringing someone along isn't at all cool. Be direct but kind about it and allow him closure. Just dumping and disappearing is immature and cruel. You're young and figuring things out. I hope you've learned from this experience.

You think dumping someone and disappearing only happens by the young? I have a bridge to sell you. :) I recently got disappeared on by a 60+, after a year-long LDR.

Look, the thing is, if one is an adult, at least have the courage to tell the person you're involved in why you want or need to move on. Do you, the OP, want to be remembered as a weasel, or an adult?
 
As several others have said, you aren't being fair to him or to yourself. You're just making it harder for both of you to move on and find Mr. and Mrs. right.
 
I suspect you have no idea what "in love" means for you. When you met him he was new and therefore exciting. No one familiar can instill that fresh feeling of infatuation. Every guy you ever meet (no matter how edgy and interesting he may seem) will, in time, be familiar.
 
i think because i have to deal with depression and i am so tied up in college and stressing about graduating and finding a job, i just feel like i am letting everyone, especially him down. and i think the ability to *love* anyone is just not in me. the only person i tell them that i love them is my mom. i wont say it to my brother, my cousins, my uncles, my aunt, my grandmother.just my mother. and definatley not some guy that i date even for a year.
 
i think because i have to deal with depression and i am so tied up in college and stressing about graduating and finding a job, i just feel like i am letting everyone, especially him down. and i think the ability to *love* anyone is just not in me. the only person i tell them that i love them is my mom. i wont say it to my brother, my cousins, my uncles, my aunt, my grandmother.just my mother. and definatley not some guy that i date even for a year.

I am sure the ability to love is in you. You are so young. You've got a LOT on your plate and you've got some maturing to do. You are hoping it'll grow into love. It may but I think you already know in your heart it won't. It'd be a greater letdown for you to marry him and for him to later find out you KNEW you weren't in love with him. That is not the honest or kind path. Be a big girl, tell him now how you feel. He deserves to know. He can make his own decision from there.
 
I suspect you have no idea what "in love" means for you. When you met him he was new and therefore exciting. No one familiar can instill that fresh feeling of infatuation. Every guy you ever meet (no matter how edgy and interesting he may seem) will, in time, be familiar.

and this is true...

and definatley not some guy that i date even for a year.

that is a shame and it almost reads as if there is contempt there. There is no designated time limit for emotions to spark, but it is easy to put up barriers to prevent them from ever happening.

Is this more that you are in love with the idea of being in love, almost in some fairytale way, yet have not worked out how this actually fits into real life. Is there a chance that since you are not feeling your Cinderella at the ball moment you are shutting out any possibility of anything less? Blocking out the opportunity for emotional growth between the two of you? What do you provide to the relationship? What efforts have you put in for fun and exciting times? Is "in love" something that he alone has to offer up for you to accept or do you believe that both of you have already put in a genuine effort and the spark still remains elusive?

Relationships take effort and input from both parties. Successful relationships will also be based on good communication, with the listening part and willingness to adapt highly important. When was the last time you organised a fun activity for both of you, a surprise, something romantic that you know will blow his mind? Does he do that for you? If he doesn't, but you would like him to on occasion, have you communicated that with him?

Are you clear in your mind the differences between loving someone, being in love with someone, lust, infatuation and desire?

No one here can can provide an opinion more than the information you provide allows. Your emotions are indeed yours, no right no wrong.

If he came to you and said "this is not working for me. I need to be open to finding someone else I can connect with", how would you feel? How would you react? Would you feel hurt and try to change his mind or would you say "I agree, we should move on"? Answering that answers your question of what to do.
 
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Is this more that you are in love with the idea of being in love, almost in some fairytale way, yet have not worked out how this actually fits into real life. Is there a chance that since you are not feeling your Cinderella at the ball moment you are shutting out any possibility of anything less? Blocking out the opportunity for emotional growth between the two of you? What do you provide to the relationship? What efforts have you put in for fun and exciting times? Is "in love" something that he alone has to offer up for you to accept or do you believe that both of you have already put in a genuine effort and the spark still remains elusive?


my problem is just the opposite of this. my whole family is centered around crappy relationships and i dont want to be like that. my cousin is the one that married because she *was in love* only to not be and now be in love with some one else. i dont believe in marriage. so it is defiantly no fairy tale story. i like to read romance not be romance. but you do make a valid point
 
Op...

you describe text book attachment insecurity. If you have someone with whom you work through your depression, this would certainly be something to discuss.
 
perhaps

It doesn't seem quite the norm for a young lady of your age to not tell relatives you love them. My granddaughter who is 16 tells me she loves me. My suggestion is to work on why you have so much reluctance to love others.
 
It doesn't seem quite the norm for a young lady of your age to not tell relatives you love them. My granddaughter who is 16 tells me she loves me. My suggestion is to work on why you have so much reluctance to love others.

Oh I already know! My mother was in a bad relationship for quite a few years. It made me very introverted and detached from everyone and everything
 
Oh I already know! My mother was in a bad relationship for quite a few years. It made me very introverted and detached from everyone and everything

I mean this in the nicest way possible, please work on yourself, you know? I'm concerned you may have low self-esteem and mild depression which could inhibit you from fully embracing this scary place called "the world." :)

As for your relationship, if you're not honest with the man, then you're using him. If you're comfortable with using someone, then I guess carry on. However, my guess is you feel guilty about accepting his affection and the friendship of his family while not returning it at the same level.

My advice is simple, please be honest with him. Tell him how much you enjoy his company, how dear he is to you, how much you enjoy his family, etc., but you're not in a place in your life to make a deep and serious commitment to him or anyone else.

As crass as this sounds, I did something similar when I was college and dating women who wanted to get too serious, too fast. It sounds like a joke, but I would I explain to whomever was my current girlfriend, "I don't plan on getting married until I after I turn 25. If we're still together then, then we can talk about it." Pick whatever number works for you, but I believe that directness helped resolve the false expectations of where the relationship was going.

Friend are great. Friends who you can cuddle with are even better. And friends with benefits? Those are best of all. Provided everyone understands what's going on.
 
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