relationship help

[british_beef]

Ok this is a weird question but would like you oppinion on it.

I've been with my girlfriend about 6 months now and everything is perfect except our sex life. I found a dildo in my girlfriends drawers once, and when I brought it up she said her ex boyfriend brought it for her.

A few months later I jokingly said we should get some handcuffs for when we had sex, she said she already had some from when she was with her ex.

Now I know she had an ex boyfriend and obviously they had sex but I didn't know she was into this sort of stuff. I've been pestering her for about 3 months to wear some sexy lingerie to the bedroom (which in my oppinion is nothing close to being as bad as handcuffs) yet she refuses, saying she think she will look stupid etc yet i KNOW she wore them for her ex.

This has been playing on my mind for a week and tonight i mentioned this on the phone and afterwards she hung up on me.

Its been about an hour now and I'm feeling guilty yet I still stand by what I said. Should i message/ring her and apologise or wait it out?

 

[CWatson]

You're kind of hung up on your own desires. You want to do this stuff with your girlfriend--okay, fair enough, nothing wrong with that. But, simply put, she doesn't. And as such, the important question is not, "Will you do this stuff with me?" The important question is, "Why won't you do this stuff with me?"

If you feel guilty, you should probably apologize at some point; I have no opinion as to when. But to make headway, you need to switch sides. Ask about her concerns instead of trying to prompt your own.

 

[british_beef]

You're kind of hung up on your own desires. You want to do this stuff with your girlfriend--okay, fair enough, nothing wrong with that. But, simply put, she doesn't. And as such, the important question is not, "Will you do this stuff with me?" The important question is, "Why won't you do this stuff with me?"

If you feel guilty, you should probably apologize at some point; I have no opinion as to when. But to make headway, you need to switch sides. Ask about her concerns instead of trying to prompt your own.

I can see your point and I know I've not given much information about our sex life but I'm honestly not hung up on my own desires.

I always ask her if she wants me to do anything, she doesn't like oral sex were as I love it. So I never mention it to her and never ask for it.

Basically I am very mellow when it comes to sex, I never push her into it. I'm 24 yet I've gone weeks without it when she was 'tired' and to be honest I feel like she doesn't want to have sex with me yet from the evidence she had a very adventurous and fulfilling sex life with her ex

 

[bailadora]

Basically I am very mellow when it comes to sex, I never push her into it. I'm 24 yet I've gone weeks without it when she was 'tired' and to be honest I feel like she doesn't want to have sex with me yet from the evidence she had a very adventurous and fulfilling sex life with her ex

Has she said they had a good relationship in terms of sex, or is this your perception based on the toys still in her possession?

Maybe things weren't as rosy as you think they were. I think CWatson hit the nail on the head. Try to find out the why behind her reluctance.

 

[coastal-boy]

I'm not sensing alot of communication from either party. Given 6 months have passed and this is the best example of open communication you have, Las Vegas odds are 1:50 this relationship will survive.

I'd appologize...then move on.

 

[british_beef]

Ok i took your guys advice. I calmed down and talked to her. Basically she told me that i've got the wrong impression about the toys, obviously they were used but very rarely and they were brought into the relationship when it was already coming to an end.

She apologised and said she never knew how much I wanted her to be more sexually adventurous and said shes going to make more of an effort and will give me a very good weekend.

I guess it all turned out good, yet I feel like now shes only going to make an effort next time because I made a big fuss about it, and not because she wants to.

I guess im just being paranoid right?

 

[DepravedMama]

Yes, you're being a wee tiny bit paranoid, lol! I know exactly what you mean though, I often worry hubby might be doing things *just* to please me, that he's perhaps not that 'into' ... even though he reassures me that he enjoys everything we do!

There's also the chance that her ex wasn't the most skilled at USING toys ... he may have hurt her, or used the wrong angle, or gone too fast/hard, or not used enough lube etc in regards to the dildo. Handcuffs can bloody hurt, especially the cheapy plastic ones. How about buying some supplies yourself, but of a more sensual nature? Silk scarves instead of cuffs, a small vibe rather than a dildo (to begin with), a bottle of baby oil ... etc. Perhaps if she experienced the sensual, soft, enticing side of using toys or 'props', she might re-think her previous experiences and you wouldn't feel like you're pressuring her into anything?

Just my tuppence worth!

 

[gagginforit]

Ok i took your guys advice. I calmed down and talked to her. Basically she told me that i've got the wrong impression about the toys, obviously they were used but very rarely and they were brought into the relationship when it was already coming to an end.

She apologised and said she never knew how much I wanted her to be more sexually adventurous and said shes going to make more of an effort and will give me a very good weekend.

I guess it all turned out good, yet I feel like now shes only going to make an effort next time because I made a big fuss about it, and not because she wants to.

I guess im just being paranoid right?

Well you maybe right, which isn't such a good thing. If you want that kind of adventurous sexlife in your relationship the best thing to do, I think would be to just be patient and take your time. It's going to be much better for the both of you if she comes to want it on her own, rather than doing it just to please you. So I'd suggest being patient for now and respecting her boundaries and not worrying about what she did or didn't do with some other bloke, and not pushing her to do anything she's not comfortable with.

 

[a75]

Deep inside you, are you perhaps a little jealous without reason? You compare her past sexual attitude with her current, but actually the only thing YOU know is the latter! About her past, you can only make hypotheses based on fragmentary "evidence" (vibe etc); this is a mistake, because this way you 'll always be thinking of a "rosy yesterday" (with him) and a "mediocre today" (with you). But those definitions will exist only in your mind, not in reality.

Another question: Let's suppose you are right and your gf really used to wear that kind of underwear with her ex. How can you be sure that she liked it and she wants to repeat it? How can you be sure that she wasn't suffering, when she was wearing them for him?

As a conclusion... I 'm not trying to say that you 're 100% wrong. But if there is a problem, it's not what she used to do or wear for her ex. The problem is that two young people are together for 6 months and everything is perfect except our sex life. And this dysfunctionality doesn't have to do with vibes and underwear.

 

[xhardchick]

Look, I believe that she had a painful/ harmful experience with her ex. That's why she doesn't want to do this stuff with you. The only way to know what she feels or even why she doesn't want to try those things again is to talk to her. Send her a text like "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, I hope you don't mind" and sent her flowers. She would appreciate it and when her good mood is back you can pose the question "Why don't you wanna try this/that out?". Discuss it until she gets everything off her chest. It will be good for both of you!

Ok this is a weird question but would like you oppinion on it.

I've been with my girlfriend about 6 months now and everything is perfect except our sex life. I found a dildo in my girlfriends drawers once, and when I brought it up she said her ex boyfriend brought it for her.

A few months later I jokingly said we should get some handcuffs for when we had sex, she said she already had some from when she was with her ex.

Now I know she had an ex boyfriend and obviously they had sex but I didn't know she was into this sort of stuff. I've been pestering her for about 3 months to wear some sexy lingerie to the bedroom (which in my oppinion is nothing close to being as bad as handcuffs) yet she refuses, saying she think she will look stupid etc yet i KNOW she wore them for her ex.

This has been playing on my mind for a week and tonight i mentioned this on the phone and afterwards she hung up on me.

Its been about an hour now and I'm feeling guilty yet I still stand by what I said. Should i message/ring her and apologise or wait it out?

 

[bailadora]

I guess it all turned out good, yet I feel like now shes only going to make an effort next time because I made a big fuss about it, and not because she wants to.

I guess im just being paranoid right?

I think you might have a valid concern. Honestly? It sounds like you two need some work in the communication department.

Outside of the bedroom, how much have you two discussed your likes and dislikes as pertains to sex? Have you asked what kinds of clothing/lingerie make her feel sexy? What kinds of clothing/underwear she likes to see on you? Have you asked her if there is anything you can do that would enhance your sexual relationship with her? I'm sure it's not your intention, but the way you've written both your posts gives the impression this is all about what she can do for you.

Actually, one the best things you can do for each other is to establish an open and encouraging environment in which to discuss sexual concerns, preferences, and fantasy. If she's not already aware of, let her know it's ok for her to share her fantasies with you and that you'd like to share some of yours with her. That you're interested in what turns her on and makes her tick on a sexual level and that you'd like to be able to share that side of yourself with her.

Keep in mind that it take a hell of a lot of courage for people to open up and share their fantasy life with their partners because they're:

1) afraid of a negative reaction or of being rejected/judged for whatever is lurking in their minds

2) afraid their partners will try to make reality what they want to remain fantasy.

Because of this, it's vital for each partner to keep an non-judgmental attitude because it slices deeply to be mocked or reviled for your fantasies. So before either of you head down this road, make damn sure you make and follow through with this promise.

 

[Noira]

Think on this: if they were having a fulfilling life she'd still be with him... and not with you! Toys aren't going to hold a relationship together. Adventurous sex won't hold a relationship together. Communication and a relationship built upon honesty and trust will do far more than those handcuffs will.

And y'know, frankly, I'd sooner play with handcuffs than wear sexy lingerie. I'm not confident about my body but I love kink, so you do have to keep that in mind that what some people consider harder to do is going to be different.

I do agree you may have a valid concern that she's only trying to shut you up, but communicate! That's really all a relationship is about, is constantly being in touch with not just yourself but with each other.

1) afraid of a negative reaction or of being rejected/judged for whatever is lurking in their minds

Yeah, definitely a lot of that. Who isn't afraid of being rejected for being yourself?

 

[subwannabe]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Absolutely no one thought what came to my mind. I guess I'll be the bad guy here. I could be totally off base here but while reading your posts what glared out at me was that she was using you for something and still banging her ex.

 

[BertrandRussell]

IMHO, you are not being paranoid. I think that she is lying to you.

...she told me that i've got the wrong impression about the toys, obviously they were used but very rarely and they were brought into the relationship when it was already coming to an end.

If that were true, she would have gotten rid of them, IMHO.

You can test this. Ask her to throw the old toys in the trash. Right now. Tell her that you will buy new ones if you and she come to an agreement that you both would enjoy them. If she refuses, or even hesitates significantly, dump her.

 

[Eilan]

I've been pestering her for about 3 months to wear some sexy lingerie to the bedroom (which in my oppinion is nothing close to being as bad as handcuffs) yet she refuses, saying she think she will look stupid etc yet i KNOW she wore them for her ex.

How, exactly, are handcuffs bad?

How did you find the dildo in the first place? Were you snooping in her drawers? If you were snooping, you deserve to find whatever you find.

If that were true, she would have gotten rid of them, IMHO.

You can test this. Ask her to throw the old toys in the trash. Right now. Tell her that you will buy new ones if you and she come to an agreement that you both would enjoy them. If she refuses, or even hesitates significantly, dump her.

I guess I'm a bit confused about sex toy etiquette. So if my husband and I break up, I'm supposed to get rid of perfectly usable toys that I spent good money on because they might make my future partner(s) feel inadequate?

Keep in mind that it take a hell of a lot of courage for people to open up and share their fantasy life with their partners because they're:

1) afraid of a negative reaction or of being rejected/judged for whatever is lurking in their minds

2) afraid their partners will try to make reality what they want to remain fantasy.

Because of this, it's vital for each partner to keep an non-judgmental attitude because it slices deeply to be mocked or reviled for your fantasies. So before either of you head down this road, make damn sure you make and follow through with this promise.

 

[miss_emiii]

patience is key here...honestly. I have a couple toys of my own, but rarely use them with my partner. Even then, if we do use them IM the one using them. Having had bad experiences with partners in the past not using toys correctly on me, it just doesn't jive for me.

IMHO, you are not being paranoid. I think that she is lying to you.



If that were true, she would have gotten rid of them, IMHO.

You can test this. Ask her to throw the old toys in the trash. Right now. Tell her that you will buy new ones if you and she come to an agreement that you both would enjoy them. If she refuses, or even hesitates significantly, dump her.

And for tossing out the toys... Id never want to just toss out a perfectly good, and perfectly seasoned toy though. For me, even when I had bought them with my last boy, they were all about me, and I (maybe oddly) have a strange attachment to them. If my current bf asked me to throw out all my old toys, id be more worried about his obvious insecurities than anything else. Ultimatums are for people who don't know how to work through problems.

So fear not, be patient, and remember good communication will take you farther than anything else in a relationship.

 

[thirty]

Life is complicated. Something I'm willing to do with my girlfriends, but I don't want to do with my wife, it doesn't mean I love my wife less.

Maybe she thinks the relationship with you is more 'formal', and she can't do those 'weird things' with you.

 

[fuckmeat]

Bertrand. I respect your posts most of the time but I think you're totally over-reacting here.

As a bi woman, I have to say that I find men's total paranoia about exes a bit bewildering. Men are generally very cavalier about their own past experiences and the memories they've made en route to their current relationship. If women act the same way it somehow negates all the choices they've made en route to becoming monogamous with their current partner, which is just silly and illogical. There is no cardinal rule stating that women must despise their exes in order to be committed to their current partner.

Obviously, there are good reasons why this woman's ex is her ex. Whether they parted on good terms or bad, having sex toys from that time in her life is not a heinous crime, nor should it be a total dealbreaker. That she used a vibrator while they were together suggests that she wasn't satisfied by him, not that they were swinging from the light fittings committing every lewd act known to mankind. Also, toys like handcuffs require a great deal of trust, not just in a partner's integrity and willingness to respect boundaries but in his basic competence with equipment like that in a situation as fluid and heated as sex. That she hasn't brought out the handcuffs with her new guy suggests that she was never that into them. As a submissive masochist, I know that I couldn't commit to a relationship without bringing kink to the table. It wouldn't be fair on either of us. She evidently doesn't view BDSM as a necessary part of her sexlife, which is entirely her prerogative.

And just because chauvinistic gender stereotyping irks me; everyone's assuming that she wore the handcuffs with her ex. What if it was the other way around? What if she used to cuff her ex and fuck his ass with the vibrator?

Who the hell knows?

Well not british_beef, which is the salient point here. More communication is definitely required but less knee-jerk judgement born of a bruised ego. Stop comparing your relationship and sexlife to that of a previous relationship that you weren't around for and that she chose to leave. Nobody ever really knows what their current partner got up to with their exes and that's often no bad thing. And tread carefully. If she had bad sexual experiences with her ex then the absolute last thing she's going to want to do is relive those experiences with you. If she had been raped, would you throw her down on the nearest hard surface and ravish her to get even? Of course not. What you're obsessing over is equally absurd. Be a grown up and talk to her frankly, gently and tactfully about her experiences and fantasies. Buy her new toys by all means, but attaching undue significance to relics of her past relationship that she doesn't even use any more is just going to cause resentment on both sides.

 

[SweetErika]

That she used a vibrator while they were together suggests that she wasn't satisfied by him, not that they were swinging from the light fittings committing every lewd act known to mankind.

I don't think it suggests anything of the sort, and this type of reasoning is why so many men feel threatened by vibes and other toys.

All having a vibrator suggests is that the owner likes the sensations it produces, is secure enough to have such a toy, or simply acquired one (through gift or purchase) at some point in time.

I can tell you in no uncertain terms that I use vibes because I enjoy them; it has absolutely nothing to do with my partner(s), and definitely doesn't indicate my level of sexual satisfaction with a partner.