Relationship advice please!

[Sparkler2202]

I'm a fairly sexually active woman but my bf of 5 years is happy with just vanilla sex every once in awhile (once a week or less). I'd like to try new things, and I've tried everything I can think of to get him to try something new (books, toys, dressing up, etc.). The worst part is that he seems very passive about it, I don't think I've found one thing that gets him riled up. Any suggestions/advice???

 

[SweetErika]

I can relate to this in some respects. We've found a compromise in fewer longer encounters, over more shorter ones, and the fact of the matter is, my husband wants/needs me to be in control (although he's willing to take the lead sometimes, too). It works for us because--and ONLY because--we BOTH do our best to satisfy each other and are very willing to try things (even though I'm almost always the one who suggests them).

With that in mind, I have some questions for you:

Is it possible he has any medical or psychological conditions, or is he taking any medications, that could lower his libido?

Is it possible he wants to be a passive partner/that he's at least sexually or a "bedroom" submissive? (*Not that submissive= passive, but hopefully you get my drift.)

Or, maybe he has some fetishes that he's afraid to share because he thinks you'll be repulsed or think less of him?

It's also possible that you two just aren't a good match in this area. Think very hard about whether you'd truly be able to live with these different needs/styles happily, before making more of a commitment to each other. Mismatched libidos, needs and perspectives can, and usually do, make for misery long-term. Some mitigate different sexual needs by agreeing to something like not being monogamous, but that kind of thing is certainly best talked about before commiting further, as well, and is definitely not for those without a rock-solid foundation.

 

[silverwhisper]

sparkler, as usual erika has some excellent advice, but i wanted to add a question: has he always been this way, and for that matter, have you? was there a time when your tastes were more in sync in the past?

ed

 

[Sparkler2202]

It works for us because--and ONLY because--we BOTH do our best to satisfy each other and are very willing to try things (even though I'm almost always the one who suggests them).

With that in mind, I have some questions for you:

Is it possible he has any medical or psychological conditions, or is he taking any medications, that could lower his libido?

Is it possible he wants to be a passive partner/that he's at least sexually or a "bedroom" submissive? (*Not that submissive= passive, but hopefully you get my drift.)

Or, maybe he has some fetishes that he's afraid to share because he thinks you'll be repulsed or think less of him?

It's also possible that you two just aren't a good match in this area. Think very hard about whether you'd truly be able to live with these different needs/styles happily, before making more of a commitment to each other. Mismatched libidos, needs and perspectives can, and usually do, make for misery long-term. Some mitigate different sexual needs by agreeing to something like not being monogamous, but that kind of thing is certainly best talked about before commiting further, as well, and is definitely not for those without a rock-solid foundation.

I've done a lot of relationship searching lately, and I've come to the conclusion he just doesn't express much emotion about anything and we have some communication problems we need to work out. It seems like a fairly recent change and I don't know what triggered it. Used to be I'd suggest something and he'd be suprised/eager to try something new, like he couldn't believe I'd want to do that. Now I'll suggest something and he'll try it but only if it doesn't take much effort on his part or it's been awhile.

With the abrupt change it almost seems like something has to have triggered it, I just don't know what. I don't think he started any new medicine. We actually worked through some depression problems together, and it seemed to have brought us closer together. Again, he didn't used to have such a mental block with letting me be submissive every once in awhile, but now it's almost like pulling teeth. Also it seems like he's getting an idea that if he isn't able to get me off then it's ok cause I can take care of myself later.

I've tried to get him to share fantasies that we could at out together, but all he ever says is that he doesn't really have any. I'm not sure if I'm going about it all wrong or if he just really isn't that interested in sex.

 

[SweetErika]

I've done a lot of relationship searching lately, and I've come to the conclusion he just doesn't express much emotion about anything and we have some communication problems we need to work out. It seems like a fairly recent change and I don't know what triggered it. Used to be I'd suggest something and he'd be suprised/eager to try something new, like he couldn't believe I'd want to do that. Now I'll suggest something and he'll try it but only if it doesn't take much effort on his part or it's been awhile.

With the abrupt change it almost seems like something has to have triggered it, I just don't know what. I don't think he started any new medicine. We actually worked through some depression problems together, and it seemed to have brought us closer together. Again, he didn't used to have such a mental block with letting me be submissive every once in awhile, but now it's almost like pulling teeth. Also it seems like he's getting an idea that if he isn't able to get me off then it's ok cause I can take care of myself later.

I've tried to get him to share fantasies that we could at out together, but all he ever says is that he doesn't really have any. I'm not sure if I'm going about it all wrong or if he just really isn't that interested in sex.

What has he said about the changes when you've expressed your concern in a non-confrontational manner? (If you've done so; if not, that's probably the first step.)

It sounds like the changes could be due to stress, anxiety or depression. Was his previous depression treated with medication and talk therapy? Regardless, is he willing to talk to a doctor (preferably a psychiatrist) about his history with depression and any symptoms he may be experiencing now, such as the sexual interest issues? While it's great to have a supportive partner, I believe chemical imbalances usually require lifestyle changes, therapy and perhaps some kind of medication (though for some people and episodes, herbs/supplements can help enough to avoid prescription drugs).

What about medications and conditions (diabetes, high bp, heart disease, high stress, overweight/weight gain, low self-esteem, pain, neurological conditions, lousy lifestyle, drugs/alcohol, etc.) overall, rather than just new ones? New side effects and problems can present years into taking drugs, or after a condition has been diagnosed and deemed "stable." Bottom line, he needs to see a good doctor and be honest with them about these changes because they could indicate a worsening condition or problem with a medication, if he's taking any.

I wouldn't worry about the fantasy thing so much. My husband doesn't have them either (it's taken me years to believe that, mind you), even though he has lots of non-sexual fantasies/daydreams. I find it odd and it would be nice if he came to the table with more ideas, but I've learned to accept the fact that that's just not him, I love the real him, and our sex life is great without his contribution of fantasies.

That bold part would definitely be a major concern for me, however.