Relationship advice - Any help appreciated

[Equalibrium]

Well, complex problem here, and it's going to drive me insane until I solve it, and if I am insane long enough it may ruin my relationship eventually.

My girlfriend and I are very similar in interests and beleifs, except for a few notable things: She is part of a very strict off-shoot christian religion, she is much more conservative then I am, including in relationships, and I have done and been farther in a relationship then she has.

My problem lies here: I don't feel we are doing enough physical things, and our problems lie in the fact that she has come out of a relationship with one of my best friends, and in that relationship, he having far less standards and morals then she, tooks things too far and too fast, and upon realizing he wasn't going to get as far as he wanted to, among many other personality conflicts, broke up with her. Now, about 6 months later, we have been together almost 1 month, see eachother almost daily, and hug all the time. But thats about as far as it goes - She tells me she wants to do more(making out for starters), but is so uncomfortable because of regrets she has in her last relationship that she won't. I don't want to rush things, but I want to help her get over these feelings so we can act more like a couple in both private and public. Right now we usually act as just really close friends.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know she trusts me far more then she trusted her EX(really her only other BF since like 7th grade), and I trust her to do as she feels, but she has also expressed that she wants some way of gfetting over these feelings.

Describing our values on things are best put as follows: I will go as far as feels right in a sexual situation, but I am going to remain a virgin until marrage both because it's pragmatic and because of Faith. She holds the second part true, but has never really seen how far she is willing to go because of her lack of experience. Also, on a side note, I am asking this not for purly physical reasons, but because I care about the health of our relationship - I recently came out of a relationship with someone that ended because for nearly 3 months the only reason we saw eachother was physical, and otherwise we hated eachother. So, I am dreadfully afraid of that happening again, but I am also confident that this person I am now dating and I could never stoop to that because of our morals and values.

So - has anyone had this or a similar problem before? Any tips on dealing with this? Any ideas as to helping her (and me to a degree depending on how you look at this) get over her negative feelings from the past?

TY in advance, I hope someone on this board can help!
-Equalibrium

 

[blondie74]

Well, it sounds like you're serious about this girl and that you're feelings for her are true.

Speaking from experience, once you've been burned, it's very difficult to become serious with someone else in a similiar situation. Unfortunately, time is about the only thing that will make the sting from the burn go away.

I would suggest taking things slowly, continue to listen to her and be friends with her. Eventually, she'll probably begin to feel secure with you, and more comfortable. She obviously has feelings for you since she's been spending so much time with you, I'm sure she's just afraid of being hurt again.

I'm sure that things will just progress naturally, and with time.

 

[asiasiren]

"She is part of a very strict off-shoot christian religion,"

This is where her feelings are most likely coming from. There are those religions that dominate the thoughts and directions of their members. Would you care to tell us what religion she belongs to? There may be some here who could better explain what she might be feeling if they knew what religion she practiced.

No matter what, this will take some time. You will have to just make sure communications stay open and honest. She has her reasons and you just need to better understand what they are.

 

[Bobmi357]

Describing our values on things are best put as follows: I will go as far as feels right in a sexual situation, but I am going to remain a virgin until marrage both because it's pragmatic and because of Faith. She holds the second part true, but has never really seen how far she is willing to go because of her lack of experience. Also, on a side note, I am asking this not for purly physical reasons, but because I care about the health of our relationship - I recently came out of a relationship with someone that ended because for nearly 3 months the only reason we saw eachother was physical, and otherwise we hated eachother.

Let me see if I get this right.

You're going to remain a virgin til you are married because of your faith and somewhere along the line I hope you'll pray that its not after your married that you discover your new bride is really a closet nazi domme that believes in forcing donuts up your ass, then rides you like a pony?

Would you buy a car without test driving it? Would you buy a home or boat without getting it inspected first? Of course you wouldn't. Those are all major purchasing decisions. So why are you so cavalier about the most important relationship decision you will ever make? What will you do if you find yourself totally incompatible with this woman? Say "Sorry, it was a mistake, lets call the whole thing off!".

Secondly, what does it say about your morals that your here, surfing and posting at a porn website? Lets be realistic. People here are going to tell you to get physical. Its an answer you should expect coming to a porn website. Your placing a mythical importance over something as silly as virginity. Its not important and while SHE may remain technically a virgin, if she blows you, or gives you a handjob or lets you take her in the ass, your virginity is gone. If you want to keep it, and lord knows why you would, keep it in your pants and think clean thoughts.

 

[wicked woman]

Re: Re: Relationship advice - Any help appreciated

Originally posted by Bobmi357
Let me see if I get this right.

You're going to remain a virgin til you are married because of your faith and somewhere along the line I hope you'll pray that its not after your married that you discover your new bride is really a closet nazi domme that believes in forcing donuts up your ass, then rides you like a pony?

Would you buy a car without test driving it? Would you buy a home or boat without getting it inspected first? Of course you wouldn't. Those are all major purchasing decisions. So why are you so cavalier about the most important relationship decision you will ever make? What will you do if you find yourself totally incompatible with this woman? Say "Sorry, it was a mistake, lets call the whole thing off!".

Secondly, what does it say about your morals that your here, surfing and posting at a porn website? Lets be realistic. People here are going to tell you to get physical. Its an answer you should expect coming to a porn website. Your placing a mythical importance over something as silly as virginity. Its not important and while SHE may remain technically a virgin, if she blows you, or gives you a handjob or lets you take her in the ass, your virginity is gone. If you want to keep it, and lord knows why you would, keep it in your pants and think clean thoughts.

Actually Bob I was going to tell them to wait...they've only been going out for a month...what's the big rush? Personally I have a problem (not meant personally at you Equalibrium) when people think they can do everything but vaginal sex and still be a 'virgin'. Personally I think it's semantics and they lost their viriginity long ago, but back to your question.

If you both come from strong religious backgrounds and want to remain virgins then why don't you go back to the idea of a chaste relationship. Sure you go out and do things together, date, get to know each other, enjoy each other's company but don't have sex. You can hug, hold hands, have a kiss....but keep your clothes on. Won't kill either of you...you get to know the person before confusing the relationship with sex...you get to spend time with someone you care about. People did it for ages.

Bob I'm not completely ignoring your comments about trying the car out before you buy it. I know where you're coming from...although frankly I cringe at the analogy even if it has merit. I just don't think they have to jump into sexual foreplay after a month of going out. If this relationship is the one that will last, they have lots of time before they get to the stage of making a commitment. And time and taking it slowly is what will make her feel comfortable.

 

[white_mage_goddess]

I've got to second Bobmi. Why would anyone make a lifelong decision such as who they are going to commit to FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES without finding out if you're sexually compatible or not? Love is great, but I bet there's an awful lot of people out there who will tell you that "love" can be screwed up by a poor sex life.

I can't imagine MARRYING someone and then finding out later on that we are into totally different stuff.

Remember, this is the person you plan on having sex with UNTIL YOU DIE, so make sure she's what you want before you sign on the dotted line!

I think the car analogy is perfect, although I personally (being an equestrian) prefer the horse analogy: When I want to buy a new horse, first I look at the horse, if it looks good, I check it out from the ground, see what kind of manners/personality/attitude it has. If it still is what I'm looking for, I take it for a ride and put it through it's paces.

I think people are the same way. You need to know ahead of time what you are getting into.

But then again, this is coming from someone whose never been Christian and who has a pretty strong disdain of the sexual morals Christianity preaches. They just don't make any sense to me in any way.

 

[EJFan]

another log on the fire

ok... i read through the responses to your question and here are my thoughts.

yes, you're on a porn site. people ARE going to tell you to get physical. virginity (as we've seen in this and other threads) is as much a state of mind as it is a physiological fact. i'm an athiest and don't personally believe in any religious reasons for doing anything. finally, hairs can be split over syntax, context and semantics 'til the cows come home (which is in about 45 minutes around here if you're wondering).

i also believe that not everyone agrees with any or all of these points. to that end, you have to do what's right for you and if people want to question your sincerity or beliefs, don't sweat it.

the response you got about time being your best ally is probably the simplest and most prudent piece of advice to this point. i agree with that post (sorry, i forget who wrote it) and appreciate your concern for the health of the relationship.

your question seems to be one of emotional love rather than physical. that being the case, i believe that arriving at a solution for it can be a good exercise for both of you. the way we work through our emotional difficulties can lay a great groundwork for contending with life's other problems.

talk to each other and LISTEN to what the other has to say. through your dialogues you may find that your relationship will strengthen... or it may weaken. whatever the case, it'll work out for the best.

i don't know if it's the case for you specifically, but it's sometimes a difficult thing for a guy to accept that he can't control, or at least influence, the course of an event. if you can work through the idea that you can control this event, you'll find that it may resolve itself.

 

[Equalibrium]

Unfortuanatly, from past relationships I understand all too well what it means to not have enough control, if any. TY though for the advice, all of you. I appreciate the thought put into this request(a bit more then on the General board, which someone eventually told me to go here). We have talked a bit about what state of physicallity we want to acheive, and now I am commissioned to both help her through her past experiences, which basically amounted to going to far too fast then regretting it and being dumped out of the blue, and to wait and let time run its course. She honestly wants to do some things, and beleives she is comfortable, but also knows she tenses up and has bad memories when the moment for such thngs comes. Oh, and one more thing: I hafta agree with the "if its not vaginal sex they still can be considered not virgins" thing, but right now we arn't working on foreplay and such..... We're already taking things slow for the benefit of both of us, and we are both OK with that.