Reigniting my sex life

[shawn219059]

I am 36 m married for 10 yrs with 2 kids. My sex life is in total limbo. I love my wife but our sex is in rut. I want to try new things but she is ultra conservative, I brought her sexy lingerie but she refuses to wear, I tried to introduce some basis sex toys but she is afraid to try. I want to give her oral pleasure but she does not want it. Sex is missionary and infrequent. After two kids I am not sure if everyone goes thru this but any advice how I can make our sex life more fun and how I get her to try bold things

 

[COCK_STAR]

Ah, the dilemma that many men go through. Counseling is your best option. It's going to suck... She will come up with all these bullshit excuses hoping that the shrink agrees with her. But in the end, any shrink worth their salt knows that marriages crumble without sex. If she is stubborn or too insecure after counseling, you have to file for divorce. There has to be consequences in life.

 

[Noor]

the more you push her, the more resistant she'll be.

getting fixed sometimes helps

 

[shawn219059]

I did

The toy was a basic cock ring yes I did not ask her before buying it thot of it as a surprise but whenever I ask if she wants me to put on she says not now next time
As far as lingerie I hinted her abt it I wanted to surprise her but it is just lying there and it is always next time
We have discussed a few things abt our sex life but I can sense she is uncomfortable
Does counselling help??

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've been married 40 years. Here's the secret.

Women want what the other gal has, so make it you.

If your wife see's that there's a line forming for you, she'll get her mind right.

 

[dutchrain]

I agree with Rainshine and Noor.

Counseling could help, but a nice weekend (or a night) away without the children, or at home while the children spent some quality time with their grand- or godparents, could be very helpful too.

Don't plan for sex on this night. But do plan a nice, leisure meal, some cuddling, a film, a glass of wine. Having together-time. A little holiday from child-caring.

Do tell her on beforehand what you are planning. Not every detail, but that you want some time for the two of you. Do tell her you are not organizing it because you want sex. That will put pressure onto her.

About the lingerie, is it her style? Or a new style, or one she liked years back? Maybe she isn't comfortable with the model. Maybe she thinks her body isn't as crisp as it was. Maybe she thinks the lingerie you bought is too revealing now. Maybe she doesn't like her body as it is now, and can't understand you don't see or mind the flaws she sees.

Maybe the next thing you should buy is a small bottle of massage oil. Ask her, if you may massage her, and if she would massage you. Nothing else. Some nice relaxing music ...

Did she like oral before the children? Did she rip or did she get a cut during childbirth? Does she have a scar somewhere around her vagina? Scar-tissue can be very hard. It could make intercourse in certain positions painful.

 

[Que]

I've been married 40 years. Here's the secret.

Women want what the other gal has, so make it you.

If your wife see's that there's a line forming for you, she'll get her mind right.

This is sage advice...I have my doubts you will take it...and I know just about every woman on here is going to disagree.

Doesn't mean you have to (or even that you should) have an affair, but be a man with options.

It's one of my least favorite things about women but its what causes the feast or famine syndrome. If I can get one girl laughing with me and leaning into me in the bar all the rest of them are looking my way. If I tunnel vision in on one and focus all my attention there nobody's interested.

The point to his advice and mine is you have to build arousal in a woman. I'm sure you're a hell of a nice guy but right now she just isn't that into you. Not to cast aspersions on her character or women in general and not to say that the other guy would be any better than you long term, but if for the sake of discussion Mr tall dark and handsome picked her up with a glass of wine in her at a bar I guarantee you all the things that you want she'd be more than happy to jump through hoops to do.

Somebody posted a link recently how when a woman (and I'm sure it's true for men too) is aroused- things that seem it icky suddenly aren't, it's some kind of biological mechanism..

The bottom line she is not turned on by you. That isn't necessarily your fault that the natural consequence of what happens in long-term relationships. You're no longer talk dark and mysterious.

Add some fun safe mysterious adventure of any sort. On days that you sent that she's not particularly in the mood don't mope do something manly whatever it is. Even if you're not mechanical any man can change the oil in his own car... get a little greasy. Take a machete to the bushes. And I don't mean this in a condescending way but I have a feeling that she's kind of your everything you probably don't spend a lot of time with male friends do that more- it's good for you it's good for her.

Immerse yourself in an interesting hobby. Let her notice that you're working out some. Get a new cologne splash them on before you go out the door. Never ever leave the house where it doesn't look like you're just about to ready for a date. Buy some fancy new underwear.

In other words this is NOT about her...this is about you. Be more sexy.

Above all if you are in any way doing anything to accommodate her- stop immediately. She starts an argument out of something stupid Call her on it be polite don't make it personal but let her know that that sort of condescending tone from her is not appreciated.

I was raised that there was no such thing as women's work certainly didn't save my marriage new guy doesn't know how to wash a dish. My advice is if you have been helping out around the house continue to do so but do it when she's not looking for some reason men helping out around the house (although every woman says she wants it just doesn't turn them on you're looking to turn her on. Forget everything you've ever heard about modern man enough living in a new era evolution didn't happen last 30 years the things that turn women on 30 40 50 years ago still work. You want gender equality plan on a life of celibacy you want to be a man plan on getting laid. And no I don't actually seriously think that washing dishes make you any less of a man I remember first being teased about washing dishes around my house at the age of 5 which puts it Which puts it in about 1970. The problem is you're fighting biology.

Best resource I can recommend for you as a book called married man sex life by Athol Kaye. He also has a website blog in forum google him.

It would be rare the counseling would help. Counseling from your average woman is not going to work because what women say and what women do are two different things when it comes to sex and arousal. That's why they go for bad boys and marry good guys, and then leave their marriage for an alleged bad boy. (been there done that)

Most male counselors aren't going to want to possibly incite the wrath of a woman and so is he is never going to agree with you that's the sex needs to be better more frequent or any other desire of yours.

All they're going to advises get her relaxed, soft music candles and then it will happen. You tried that right? bullshit it doesn't work. She IS relaxed (mostly) you want her EXCITED. Road trip sex MIGHT spark a dim flame but its extinguished when you get home.

For the kind of sex you're interested in women have to feel sexy themselves they want to feel a little trampy- not disrespected- but they want to feel a little bit sexual and objectified.

Over the years I've certainly talk to hundreds if not thousands of women online... now keep in mind they wouldn't be talking to ME online if they themselves didn't have perhaps a higher libido them their husband. In your case obviously its sadly the other way around.

You know what I've never ever heard from any of them that are dissatisfied with their sex life? "Well my husband or boyfriend is great in bed except for I wish you'd be a little bit more gentle and take things slower." Not once... they always wish she would be more aggressive. More assertive.

Now you can't go from 0 to 60 with her at this point she's too used to you being sort of milk toast.

You have to earn her arousal by being a better man yourself so work on that.

I was listening to the radio once and a female (pornstar maybe?) said about your sort of marital inertia basically to man up. I WOULDN'T take her advice (well not yet, you have to earn some respect back first) but she said, 'Tell her, 'Well, it's too bad you aren't in the mood , because DADDY is! Now be a good girl, get your panties off and get on the bed!"

 

[shawn219059]

Thx

I agree with Rainshine and Noor.

Counseling could help, but a nice weekend (or a night) away without the children, or at home while the children spent some quality time with their grand- or godparents, could be very helpful too.

Don't plan for sex on this night. But do plan a nice, leisure meal, some cuddling, a film, a glass of wine. Having together-time. A little holiday from child-caring.

Do tell her on beforehand what you are planning. Not every detail, but that you want some time for the two of you. Do tell her you are not organizing it because you want sex. That will put pressure onto her.

About the lingerie, is it her style? Or a new style, or one she liked years back? Maybe she isn't comfortable with the model. Maybe she thinks her body isn't as crisp as it was. Maybe she thinks the lingerie you bought is too revealing now. Maybe she doesn't like her body as it is now, and can't understand you don't see or mind the flaws she sees.



Maybe the next thing you should buy is a small bottle of massage oil. Ask her, if you may massage her, and if she would massage you. Nothing else. Some nice relaxing music ...

Did she like oral before the children? Did she rip or did she get a cut during childbirth? Does she have a scar somewhere around her vagina? Scar-tissue can be very hard. It could make intercourse in certain positions painful.

Well thanks for the advise, I will definitely try
As far as oral sex she used to to love it b4 marriage but after marriage it's been a no no. I just want to introduce something more exciting

She used to love dressing up in sexy lingerie b4 but lately it is always been next time

 

[luvnmyboys]

It sounds like she may not be comfortable with her post baby body. I wouldn't push anything on her. Talk to her and find out why the answer is always next time. Find out what she is interested in trying. If she doesn't want to talk about it, ask why and reassure her that you love her. It sounds like she is feeling insecure. I would try to cater to her needs and talk a lot about what both of you want. Maybe if you meet her needs first then she will feel motivated to try something new. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong. It just sounds like she isn't feeling all that confident and maybe needs more nurturing.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

This is sage advice...I have my doubts you will take it...and I know just about every woman on here is going to disagree.

Doesn't mean you have to (or even that you should) have an affair, but be a man with options.

It's one of my least favorite things about women but its what causes the feast or famine syndrome. If I can get one girl laughing with me and leaning into me in the bar all the rest of them are looking my way. If I tunnel vision in on one and focus all my attention there nobody's interested.

The point to his advice and mine is you have to build arousal in a woman. I'm sure you're a hell of a nice guy but right now she just isn't that into you. Not to cast aspersions on her character or women in general and not to say that the other guy would be any better than you long term, but if for the sake of discussion Mr tall dark and handsome picked her up with a glass of wine in her at a bar I guarantee you all the things that you want she'd be more than happy to jump through hoops to do.

Somebody posted a link recently how when a woman (and I'm sure it's true for men too) is aroused- things that seem it icky suddenly aren't, it's some kind of biological mechanism..

The bottom line she is not turned on by you. That isn't necessarily your fault that the natural consequence of what happens in long-term relationships. You're no longer talk dark and mysterious.

Add some fun safe mysterious adventure of any sort. On days that you sent that she's not particularly in the mood don't mope do something manly whatever it is. Even if you're not mechanical any man can change the oil in his own car... get a little greasy. Take a machete to the bushes. And I don't mean this in a condescending way but I have a feeling that she's kind of your everything you probably don't spend a lot of time with male friends do that more- it's good for you it's good for her.

Immerse yourself in an interesting hobby. Let her notice that you're working out some. Get a new cologne splash them on before you go out the door. Never ever leave the house where it doesn't look like you're just about to ready for a date. Buy some fancy new underwear.

In other words this is NOT about her...this is about you. Be more sexy.

Above all if you are in any way doing anything to accommodate her- stop immediately. She starts an argument out of something stupid Call her on it be polite don't make it personal but let her know that that sort of condescending tone from her is not appreciated.

I was raised that there was no such thing as women's work certainly didn't save my marriage new guy doesn't know how to wash a dish. My advice is if you have been helping out around the house continue to do so but do it when she's not looking for some reason men helping out around the house (although every woman says she wants it just doesn't turn them on you're looking to turn her on. Forget everything you've ever heard about modern man enough living in a new era evolution didn't happen last 30 years the things that turn women on 30 40 50 years ago still work. You want gender equality plan on a life of celibacy you want to be a man plan on getting laid. And no I don't actually seriously think that washing dishes make you any less of a man I remember first being teased about washing dishes around my house at the age of 5 which puts it Which puts it in about 1970. The problem is you're fighting biology.

Best resource I can recommend for you as a book called married man sex life by Athol Kaye. He also has a website blog in forum google him.

It would be rare the counseling would help. Counseling from your average woman is not going to work because what women say and what women do are two different things when it comes to sex and arousal. That's why they go for bad boys and Mary good guys, and then leave their marriage for an alleged bad boy.

Most male counselors aren't going to want to possibly inside the wrath of a woman and so is he is never going to agree with you that's the sex needs to be better more frequent or any other desire of yours.

All they're going to advises get a relaxed soft music candles and then it will happen. You tried that right b******* it doesn't work.

For the kind of sex you're interested in women have to feel sexy themselves they want to feel a little trampy not disrespected but they want to feel a little bit sexual and objectified.

Over the years I've certainly talk to hundreds if not thousands of women online... now keep in mind they wouldn't be talking to be online if they themselves didn't have perhaps a higher libido them their husband in your case obviously the other way around. You know what I've never ever heard from any of them that are dissatisfied with their sex life.?? " Well my husband or boyfriend is great in bed except for I wish you'd be a little bit more gentle and take things slower." Not once... they always wish she would be more aggressive. More assertive.

Now you can't go from 0 to 60 with her at this point she's too used to you being sort of milk toast. You have to earn her arousal by being a better man yourself so work on that.

Its true. Once word gets out most of the gals get interested. And they aren't bashful.

Yes the gals will disagree. But they do the same thing to keep men interested.

 

[Que]

The fact that you are asking the question suggests you KNOW something is 'off' in your sex life. You DON'T come across as an insensitive clod just looking to coerce your wife into something she might find shameful or distasteful.

Hot, kinky, monkey-sex is ESSENTIAL to a happy healthy marriage that sets a good role model for your kids. Your kids don't need to walk in on you to sense that either Mom and Dad are a little distant from each other, or Mom and Dad can't wait for them to go to bed.

BELIEVE me when I tell you doing nothing, being passive will be the death knell of your marriage, not this week month or year but these things get worse over time not better, unless something changes dramatically.

The lovely mother of my children and I ALMOST made it, I think. We had unfortunately though about a dozen years of atrophy, much like you seem to be in the initial stages of. We had an incredibale period. All of the sudden (mostly from us being frankly honest with eachother about our sexual needs and our extra curricular thoughts) we were at it 2-3 times a day like newlyweds. Kinky as hell, blogging about it. It was intense.

When for various (valid) reasons she pulled back, I made the fatal error of just trying to wait it out. I would have invested ANOTHER 12 years or so of passivity if it mean another hot period and more importantly, the closeness we seemed to share during it. Hot monkey-sex covers up a LOT of flaws and hurt feelings. Being passive didnt work...waiting for the "right time" and for things externally to 'settle down.

once sex gets down to about 10 times a year you are what clinicians call a "sexless marriage' DON'T let it get there.

Maybe she has repression issues and oral is "icky" OK, so skip that...but growl in her ear a bit...sure hold back the kink if your gut tells you, but let her know through your actions that sexually you are "a mushroom-cloud layin' motherfucker, about ready to blow" when you DO have sex.

When you aren't having sex be doing something interesting...not for her or with her necessarily, just BE interesting. If she want's to join in, GREAT!.

It doesn't take much. My little girl is out camping this weekend with her mom and mom's new husband. The older kids don't want to hurt mom's feelings but they really don't enjoy their somewhat boorish stepfather's company so they stayed home. You DON'T want to be me 5 years from now. (well maybe you do...im learning to have fun being single)

What was his great charm that enabled him to tear through our family, our finances and turn my children into broken-home statistics? (well aside from my own failings and foibles that perhaps opened the door)...

but what made him sexy?

He's overweight, but he rocks it like its actually muscle, he's short so he wears biker boots, he's not much of a conversationalist (that was honestly probably a plus after a couple decades of my verbosity, but I digress) so he nods and smiles a lot and agrees and amplifies...

well at least until she is HIS wife...he's better with other peoples wives than his own.

He is sallow complected but with long hair and a beard, not so noticeable. He is socially awkward so he got himself a honda motorcycle, bolted on some harley style strait pipes and fashioned himself a bad-ass loner.

None of these little "bad-ass" traits were complicated to fake, or expensive. And its really no different than a woman wearing make-up and a pair of killer heels...its about desire.


The point is if my wife (and she was at 40 as hot as she had ever been, had lost weight was feeling sexy as hell) can find him sexy, YOUR wife can find you to be yummy man-candy. Think of your wife as a girl you are trying to get in the pants of and BE the sort of man that can.

 

[suckonsimon]

Shawn, I think you've got some good suggestions made to you on here from Query and from the women. I want to pick up with Query's simple term, "It's about desire".

So, what needs to happen to re-awaken desire for you, in her? Perhaps a number of areas call for some attention: As you attempt to see it from her point of view, how are you, for her? Are there things about yourself that could do with re-igniting? And how is she within herself? Is she worn out a lot of the time? Is there a load of anxiety on her shoulders? If either of those, what can be done about it? Does she enjoy her friendships? Is she proud of you as a dad? and if not what needs to change? What are the things you both enjoy doing together?

Might there be things about her experience of sex with you that have become disappointing for her? Do you know that her orgasms are real? If she does not usually reach orgasm when you have intercourse, find out what to do about that. Imagine pleasuring her so deeply that the thought of the last time gives her a desire for the next time - that's what is possible when other things in your lives are good to middling or at least being addressed.

That's my little offering mate. The best to you, you both, you four. Si.

 

[RichardDickens]

Hi Shawn,

I haven't read through the thread but in my experience the things that could help the most are (1) helping her feel comfortable with how she looks after having the kids and (2) catching her at a time when she's not tired and exhausted from all the drama of everyday life.

So as to point (1) - get her to join a gym, lose the weight if she needs to, tone up, eat healthier so she has more energy, hydrate, etc.

For (2) - date nights are essential to break routine and make her re-connect with the sexual being she once was. Kids are awesome but they suck the life out of you on a daily basis and it's hard to get into sex-mode when you're in mommy-mode or laundry-mode.

Hope that helps!


- Mrs. Dickens

 

[GorgeousGeekGirl]

I am 36 m married for 10 yrs with 2 kids. My sex life is in total limbo. I love my wife but our sex is in rut. I want to try new things but she is ultra conservative, I brought her sexy lingerie but she refuses to wear, I tried to introduce some basis sex toys but she is afraid to try. I want to give her oral pleasure but she does not want it. Sex is missionary and infrequent. After two kids I am not sure if everyone goes thru this but any advice how I can make our sex life more fun and how I get her to try bold things

Hi. I'm going to go with 3 simpler theories. All 3 culprits may be active concurrently, so all 3 may need to be addressed.

1. She's self conscious. She's in her 30s and has had 2 kids. She's starting to see some lines around her eyes. There's a little grey in her hair. Gravity sucks. She's in a rush all the time and so when she goes out, she's got the mom look. Media is bombarding her with images of perfect women. Other women are very critical. Unfortunately, we women are in the bad habit of listening to detractors (including ourselves), instead of husbands who live us and think we are desirable. Anytime she starts getting down on her looks, give her one Generous compliment. If she doesn't stop, simply tell her to knock it off and don't try reasoning with her.

2. Stress and/or exhaustion. Y'all have 2 kids. I'm guessing there's also housecleaning, grocery shopping, job, bills, errands, etc. Does she get at least 7 hours of sleep a night? Tooling around on Facebook, reading, watching tv don't count, just actual sleep. If not, MAKE HER. If she tries to resist, tell her Matthew McConahay (or whatever hunky actor she likes) wouldnt let her spend all night on facebook instead of in bed and neither are you if she says she needs that to relax, tell her she needs sleep to relax because being overtired is what's stressing her out. Does she get time alone, quiet in the house? Leave mommy alone time doesn't count because it never happens, and as long as there are others in the house, she's tense waiting for someone to burst in. Once a week, take the kids out from the house for at least 2 hours, 4 is better.

3. Hormones/nutrition. Her hormones may be off. Btw, sleep deprivation from #2 can cause hormonal imbalance. Also, what kind of birth control is she taking? ALL hormonal birth controls have decreased sex drive as a side effect. (They also have weight gain as a side effect as well; see #1). Seriously, look at switching to a non hormone based method, and if y'all don't want more kids, you should get snipped. (I say you instead of her because the surgery method is far less traumatic and reversible for men). There may also be a nutrition problem. I'm not even talking about some exotic malady, just simple everyday poor diet we are all guilty of. If she's overtired a lot, #2, then it's a common mistake to overcompensate with high calorie (junk) food and caffeine (which screws up sleep cycle, back to #2 again). And diet microwave food doesn't work!!! It doesn't cost a lot of money to eat right inspite of what weight loss books sell you, just eat lots more fresh fruits and veggies. Also, taking a bit of exercise will boost good hormones. Give her a few pillows to beat the shit out of when everything is getting to her.

It's amazing how we make simple bad choices that affect us physically and mentally. Before running off to counseling, just try a little good old fashioned health and de stress quiet time. Since you're not getting laid anyway, you've got nothing to lose by pushing her to this. Good luck!