Regarding my story and curiosity

[Rum]

I've written a few stories but my latest is cause for my curiosity regarding the subject matter. I'm particularily interested in the Dom/sub lifestyle. I'm not sure if I'm a Dom and I'd like to know how it is received by both Doms and subs. I'd like to know if the subject matter is offensive (or worse) by either group. Please be honest as to whether it is "on the mark" as far as the lifestyle is concerned.
The story is called "Teaching An Old Dog A New Trick" by Rum. I put it under the mature section because I didn't know where else to put it. The link is listed below for your convienence. As always, your constructive criticism and advice is welcome, whether it's relating to my stories and/or the lifestyle.

Thanks VERY Much
Rum


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=77613

"Nobody loves me but my mother...and she could be lying, too." B.B. King

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Rum,

Around one in eight people have a curiosity about bdsm, some pursue it, however since it's still not altogether socially acceptable, others don't.

You say you are not sure if you are dominant or submissive. A majority of people in the lifestyle are both, they are known as 'switches'. I suspect you are one.

Your subject matter is not offensive. Bdsmers, like most people, don't condon child or animal sex. Yours contains neither, so I see no problem.

You ask if your story is 'on the mark'. There is no such thing. One person's idea of bdsm maybe a playful spanking, while another won't be satisfied without blood - literally.

Now your story. My personal opinion is that it could have been cut, I wasn't really interested in a lot of the day to day detail you included. I realise some is relevant to the story, but a lot of it was not, skimmed over it and. that's not a good thing.

I enjoyed the scene with the computer, you eased Madison into that nicely. I would like to have had a little more of your thoughts at that time. It was still a good transition to sex, however you seemed to slip into the role of Master just a little too easily for a novic.

A couple of your paragraphs were very long. Madison explaining how her tutor used to punish her was hot, however it could have and should have been broken up. Maybe with little prompt from you. e.g. - I could feel my cock getting harder as she continued her story - "Oh I understand," I said. And I did, I understood exactly what she wanted. Just little prompts to break that extra long dialog.

Overall this has a very good feel, that sweet mind control rather than anything physical, that only someone into the bdsm life could understand and know the excitement of.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a good day,

Alex.

 

[NorthwestRain]

Sorry to butt in but I've just read some great novels with emphasis on SM and BD. The author is Michel Houllebecq, the titles 'Atomised' and 'Platform'.
Bleedin' great stuff!

 

[Moyds_jewel]

hello Rum

I agree with Bragis that your formatting needs work (yes, I know my first chapter needed same...probably why i'm paying such close attention to it). KillerMuffin posted a great thread on paragraphing here...

My HS english teacher always told us that as authors, we should give only the information needed in order to advance the plot and no more! So...as Bragis has pointed out, some judicious paring of your narrative would tighten it up and help the flow immensely.

Other technical problems:

"Seeing my dick burst it’s discharge on her lips and slide down her chin and melt into the fabric of her blouse was past the most erotic sight that I’ve ever witnessed."
This sentence makes it seem as though his dick burst and slid down her chin, which would be the opposite of erotic I think. Also, I think you meant to say "possibly the most.." rather than "past the most..."

"I’ve come to relay look forward to..."
Another spelling error that spell check won't pick up. "relay" should be "really"

I did not find Madison's tale of teacher-spanking/blow-job instruction believable. I could accept that she found spanking by a former boyfriend sexually arousing. I could even accept that she found spanking a pleasurable experience when her father administered it. But in this day and age, I find it unbelievable that a male High School teacher would act as you described.

Rum, I think there is a story in here struggling to get out. I also think (IMHO) this was probably a couple drafts away from final.

Speaking purely as a submissive, trust is key in a D/s relationship. Once trust is established, many things are possible...

Good luck on future endeavors and explorations. Keep writing.

jewel

___________
it is my joy to be His