Regaining my Confidence

[Saphs]

So I've been celibate now for the past 2 years. Mainly because I can't bring myself to be intimate with anybody. I haven't had much interest and haven't been interested in anyone myself, but that changed recently.

I'm very into her right now. We've exchanged a few sexy pictures and whenever she comes here we get really close and there's lots of sexual tension bubbling between us.

I got pretty burnt in my last relationship and I don't know if that's why I'm so scared to be intimate with her. I want to so badly, the whole time we're cuddled up together in my bed I just will her to touch me.

It's happened to us before. We get close and as soon as it goes a little further, I clam up and can't do it. I worry I'm not good enough and that she'll discover all of my imperfections I keep hidden.

I'm not the worst looking person in the world, and I know she's into me. Has anyone experienced something similar? I just don't know where my confidence disappeared to.

 

[LostNomad]

You're thinking about it too much and not just enjoying the moment, something I am very familiar with.

My wife and I have had some problems over the last few years with our intimacy. Well, it's not really a we, it's more of a me. I've put on some weight and I hate how I look and that started to make me wonder, if I hate how I look, does she hate it too?

I never said anything to her about it and all that did was make the situation worse until it got to the point where, over the last 2 years, I can count on one hand how many times we'd had sex.

It finally came to a head when we had a huge fight and I blurted all my fears about being fat and feeling that I was smaller than I used to be and some other crap. My wife, being the awesome woman she is, told me I was being stupid and, after that night, we started having much more regular sex.

I'll be honest with you, the first couple of times after that weren't epic. In fact, it's taking me more time to write this than it did for me to finish but that's okay because with practice comes stamina and enjoyment for both.

You'll probably face the same thing and you have to turn off that critical part of your brain. You and this woman enjoy each others company and that's the most important thing.

Also, have you tried talking to her about this? Explain your concerns honestly and I'm sure she'll understand. The good ones always do.

It will take some time and patience but you'll get your confidence back and you'll look back at this and wonder why you were ever worried.

 

[subwannabe]

I really suggest you look into some professional help for at least one session anyway. There is a whole lot more going on than just the few sentences you posted. You need to get your head screwed on better before it effects your current relationship and then you go into an even deeper slump. I'm serious. One session could save your life.

 

[enigma3]

So I've been celibate now for the past 2 years. Mainly because I can't bring myself to be intimate with anybody. I haven't had much interest and haven't been interested in anyone myself, but that changed recently.

I'm very into her right now. We've exchanged a few sexy pictures and whenever she comes here we get really close and there's lots of sexual tension bubbling between us.

I got pretty burnt in my last relationship and I don't know if that's why I'm so scared to be intimate with her. I want to so badly, the whole time we're cuddled up together in my bed I just will her to touch me.

It's happened to us before. We get close and as soon as it goes a little further, I clam up and can't do it. I worry I'm not good enough and that she'll discover all of my imperfections I keep hidden.

I'm not the worst looking person in the world, and I know she's into me. Has anyone experienced something similar? I just don't know where my confidence disappeared to.

yes, been there a couple of times. it works both sides of the fence after being burnt (all men or all women are basterds) ..........take your time. and i really do understand what your are saying. pm me if you like

 

[Saphs]

Thank you for the replies, it's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I know if (hopefully when) she finally gets my clothes off, she'll more than likely treat me like a Goddess.

I have mentioned it, but she doesn't get it because she can't see anything wrong with me. I would love to be able to give her the go ahead to take things a little further. I'm so desperate to have sex, it's been so long.

Thanks for replies so far, I need to get over this for my own good as well as hers.

 

[bailadora]

Thank you for the replies, it's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I know if (hopefully when) she finally gets my clothes off, she'll more than likely treat me like a Goddess.

I have mentioned it, but she doesn't get it because she can't see anything wrong with me. I would love to be able to give her the go ahead to take things a little further. I'm so desperate to have sex, it's been so long.

Thanks for replies so far, I need to get over this for my own good as well as hers.

My initial thought is that you need to sit down with her again and say exactly what you did here. That you've been badly burned in a previous relationship and that it may be a contributing factor to your loss of sexual confidence. Next, ask if she would be willing to be patient and take baby steps with you in terms of becoming sexual with one another. If she agrees, that's a huge step in the right direction.

Because I'm unfamiliar with how you define sex, what I'm about to say next may be totally out of left field and for that, I apologize in advance.

Although it's the preferred method for most people, who says you have to take your clothes off to have sex? It seems as if you're already comfortable with cuddling and I'm going to assume you're also good with kissing. Maybe the next step could be nipple stimulation through clothing and when you're confident with that, move on - either to a new activity sans nudity or perhaps the same activity, but now skin to skin. Really, it's all up to you.

If she is willing to be patient and progress at your pace, I suspect you'll regain your confidence sooner than you might think. Best of luck to you.

 

[Kojote]

I strongly second that!
In fact my initial thought was: Tell her that you freeze not because of her, but because of past experiences.
Tell her in the moment it happens. Use the intimate atmosphere to talk about it calm.
Most likely she already knows that there is… something. So she won’t be surprised that much.
And regarding the issues themselves she may likely tell you what you already know: that they are just insecurity and don’t matter to her.

Your most important part will be to remember that she isn’t whoever hurt you in the past. Even if she sometimes seem to act exactly the same way. Please remember that all humans (not just your past nightmare) have to eat, drink, sleep, go to the toilet and so on…

 

[Saphs]

Fantastic replies and advice here, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

I was thinking about it today and I thought maybe it could come down to the fact we're always in my bed? My ex always came here and we spent countless weekends in the very same bed together. Maybe I need a change of scene?

I would quite like to take her out, perhaps I could tell her how I feel there. A sort of semi-date type thing? I was thinking Valentine's might be nice, considering we're both still single.

Love is a battlefield.

 

[DefiantOne]

I can't pretend to know how it feels like from the ~female~ point of view, but I know how it feels to be reluctant to give it your all from the thirty-six year old ~male~ perspective. Give it time. The right person will give you the room it takes to see that they're for real; the patience to coax your head out of your self-protective shell to get the affection and the romance we all deserve. It sucks to be single as you're working in a grocery store next door to a popular city park, where all you see are nannies, grandparents, strollers and couples.

The lady I'm with, (we'll call her 'Toni', not her real name) is quite kind & has been very patient with me this past year, given me lots of room and I love her very much. She sends me over-land (non-email) letters with her picture (G-Rated). She and I discuss getting a Cocker Spaniel and wanting kids. We chat every night via yahoo instant messenger and phone calls.

Try "domestic" calls where you're discussing far more about family & friends than sex. It'll feel so nice to just know your prospective other is praying for you to get more hours at work and telling you all about when her/his mom is being a bitch. And just telling you how they wish they were cuddled up with you & the dog you talk about getting together, cuddling under a hand-crocheted blanket/comforter as Jay Leno's doing his "Headlines" segment.

 

[hotdamnazgirl]

So I've been celibate now for the past 2 years. Mainly because I can't bring myself to be intimate with anybody. I haven't had much interest and haven't been interested in anyone myself, but that changed recently.

I'm very into her right now. We've exchanged a few sexy pictures and whenever she comes here we get really close and there's lots of sexual tension bubbling between us.

I got pretty burnt in my last relationship and I don't know if that's why I'm so scared to be intimate with her. I want to so badly, the whole time we're cuddled up together in my bed I just will her to touch me.

It's happened to us before. We get close and as soon as it goes a little further, I clam up and can't do it. I worry I'm not good enough and that she'll discover all of my imperfections I keep hidden.

I'm not the worst looking person in the world, and I know she's into me. Has anyone experienced something similar? I just don't know where my confidence disappeared to.

I hate that little inner critic we all seem to have in us. I find it is helpful to be aware of the messages I am giving myself in situations like that, because often they are irrational and untrue. If I counter then negative messages with the truth, it makes it so much easier to move forward. So, in similiar situations to what you are describing I might think to myself that I am not attractive enough to hold the other person's attention. Obviously that wouldn't be true if they are choosing to be with me, so I remind myself of that. I also agree with what others are saying, talking opening with the other person about your concerns will go a long way in making you more comfortable and better able to enjoy whatever intimacy you engage in. Good luck, hope you are able to work everything out.

 

[Saphs]

I'm really quite overwhelmed with the amazing response to this thread. Your replies are all so well written and are really helping me realise I'm not really an ogre who she isn't interested in.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond and the well wishes. They are much needed and appreciated. I hope to be able to update this thread in the near future, to say that I put my demons out of my head and we had the most amazing sex.

I've done it before, I'm capable. How hard can it be?