Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[Wild_Honey_66]

I love this thread. So much resonates with me. I feel have fought this for years... Not realizing that I just hadn't found the right man to be the right combination of gentle and strong for it to click for me.

Nice ass.

 

[Pervy_Sage]

Nice ass.

^^^^ Epic response!

 

[SmileyGirl]

I love this thread. So much resonates with me. I feel have fought this for years... Not realizing that I just hadn't found the right man to be the right combination of gentle and strong for it to click for me.

I totally agree with this x
And Honey's response

 

[elli1]

elliiiiiii!!!!!!

how's you? (see what I did there? )

my day has been non-freaking-stop.

*sigh*

come and chill with us, lots of good stuff goin' on!!

i'm too lazy to read up on what's going on in here *noms banana*

 

[All_4_Love]

yes, this.

an immediate turning of their attention from the situation to the person (me) when there is a problem, a genuine and focused concern with where the train went off the track, a lack of defensiveness on their part--knowing that a bump in the road isn't the end of the world, and that the bigger picture is about how to get back on the same page, and not about who was "right" and who was "wrong".....a simple concern for my feelings, needs and desires, and a deep respect for me as a person....

these are the things that ideally, they will already know to do. important to have in any partner, but especially so in a Leader. not that there isn't a learning curve in every new relationship, but a sub doesn't want to have to teach a Dom to do his job--that kind of defeats the purpose lol.

I think a lot of this is very likely to be hard-wired into a person, and is either present, or it's not. at least, a natural inclination is there, even if the details need to be sorted and refined.

Since this is a safe haven to offer opinions, I just want to say that this scenario sounds to me like a vanilla relationship with a lot of communication with really hot, steamy, role play sex. It is a relationship based on the genuine concern for the other, but let us not forget, that goes both ways. A man also needs someone that would ideally possess all of these qualities.

In my opinion, this does not constitute a D/s relationship, although it does highlight a quite popular belief about D/s that I have read on the internet.

As a submissive, of course I want him to care about my feelings, but the relationship is not about me. It's not about my feelings. It's about him. It's about pleasing him. Once that choice is given to relinquish control, it's about his satisfaction, not mine. I have heard the word conflict used. One would think in this type of dynamic, there would not ever be any conflict.

 

[elli1]

As a submissive, of course I want him to care about my feelings, but the relationship is not about me. It's not about my feelings. It's about him. It's about pleasing him. Once that choice is given to relinquish control, it's about his satisfaction, not mine. I have heard the word conflict used. One would think in this type of dynamic, there would not ever be any conflict.

i disagree

 

[All_4_Love]

i disagree

Discuss?

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I think that the mere suggestion that your feelings don't matter creates an imbalance.

 

[LusterMunky]

Discuss?

Yes please.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

i disagree

Discuss?

beautiful! yay!

 

[All_4_Love]

I think that the mere suggestion that your feelings don't matter creates an imbalance.

Is this not the goal of D/s?

 

[may_I_please]

I think that D/s is a spectrum of experiences, desires and needs. There's no one size fits all, nor does it matter as your relationship does not reflect on mine.

I think we all pick our own limits and our own kicks and self determine our needs

And that is fine

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Is this not the goal of D/s?

not to me.
The goal, if it should be that, is the same as in any relationship. I think that we find ourselves in partnerships that make us feel as if we're finally able to acknowledge something authentic about ourselves. The fact that it sometimes happens in a D/s environment is really just outlining some of the details of how the people interact, but I don't think that it negates the need for each person to be feel completed as a part of that partnership. If it doesn't make you feel as if you're finally able to let go, I don't understand how (or why) either person in the relationship would want to continue.

 

[LusterMunky]

There sure a lot of aspiring subs on Lit. Figure that one out.

 

[All_4_Love]

I think that D/s is a spectrum of experiences, desires and needs. There's no one size fits all, nor does it matter as your relationship does not reflect on mine.

I think we all pick our own limits and our own kicks and self determine our needs

And that is fine

Relationships are a spectrum of experiences, desires, and needs. They are also quite unhealthy when this becomes the focus of them. It is a self-centered position to be so focused on one's desires and needs. It is an other-centered position to be focused on someone else's desires and needs.

D/s is not a relationship. It is a relationship dynamic. It is a complete exchange of power. One partner is in complete control; the other has no control.

You can't have it both ways.

 

[Pervy_Sage]

I think that D/s is a spectrum of experiences, desires and needs. There's no one size fits all, nor does it matter as your relationship does not reflect on mine.

I think we all pick our own limits and our own kicks and self determine our needs

And that is fine

I agree with May. There is room under the umbrella for all sorts of lifestyles and experiences. The involved parties make it what they wish it to be. Personally, I am incapable of properly being the Dom I am without caring for the entire well being of my submissive. For me, it's not simply one sided.

 

[All_4_Love]

not to me.
The goal, if it should be that, is the same as in any relationship. I think that we find ourselves in partnerships that make us feel as if we're finally able to acknowledge something authentic about ourselves. The fact that it sometimes happens in a D/s environment is really just outlining some of the details of how the people interact, but I don't think that it negates the need for each person to be feel completed as a part of that partnership. If it doesn't make you feel as if you're finally able to let go, I don't understand how (or why) either person in the relationship would want to continue.

Yes, and it is the inequality that makes the sub feel complete, that allows her to let go and flourish, to be all that she can be. To be the very best version of herself.

I like how you said, the goal, if it should be that. That is something to deeply consider. It is, indeed, not a goal. It is something far greater than that.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I think that D/s is a spectrum of experiences, desires and needs. There's no one size fits all, nor does it matter as your relationship does not reflect on mine.

I think we all pick our own limits and our own kicks and self determine our needs

And that is fine

spectrum. thank you.

this is not a competition. it's tremendously personal, and each relationship is uniquely defined by the people who are in it.

and as May said, it is fine.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Relationships are a spectrum of experiences, desires, and needs. They are also quite unhealthy when this becomes the focus of them. It is a self-centered position to be so focused on one's desires and needs. It is an other-centered position to be focused on someone else's desires and needs.

D/s is not a relationship. It is a relationship dynamic. It is a complete exchange of power. One partner is in complete control; the other has no control.

You can't have it both ways.

Yes, and it is the inequality that makes the sub feel complete, that allows her to let go and flourish, to be all that she can be. To be the very best version of herself.

thank you for choosing to stay and continue the discussion. I appreciate hearing lots of different opinions, it gives me the opportunity to re-evaluate my own beliefs and why I believe them.

 

[elli1]

Discuss?

even if play includes servitude, humiliation, or forced whatever, on a meta level D/s (BDSM in general, i guess) is always about what both the sub and Dom(me) want. otherwise it would be abuse. people (ideally) agree on what kind of actions are ok and which are not (hard limits) before playing.

beyond that, i think there are many subs who want a caring Dom(me) who also shows his/her affection and many Dom(me)s who enjoy to provide that (i'm thinking of Dd/lg, for instance)

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

what the hell is Dd/lg?

lol

edit: nevermind. got it.

 

[may_I_please]

Relationships are a spectrum of experiences, desires, and needs. They are also quite unhealthy when this becomes the focus of them. It is a self-centered position to be so focused on one's desires and needs. It is an other-centered position to be focused on someone else's desires and needs.

D/s is not a relationship. It is a relationship dynamic. It is a complete exchange of power. One partner is in complete control; the other has no control.

You can't have it both ways.

TPE is not the only way to have a D/s relationship dynamic in my opinion, in fact that sounds more like Master/slave to me.

But if that's your desire that's as valid as mine

 

[All_4_Love]

thank you for choosing to stay and continue the discussion. I appreciate hearing lots of different opinions, it gives me the opportunity to re-evaluate my own beliefs and why I believe them.

Thank you, Honey. Thank you for having and welcoming me here.

even if play includes servitude, humiliation, or forced whatever, on a meta level D/s (BDSM in general, i guess) is always about what both the sub and Dom(me) want. otherwise it would be abuse. people (ideally) agree on what kind of actions are ok and which are not (hard limits) before playing.

Okay, speaking from the sexual aspect of the relationship, I believe there are limits. Doms and subs both have limits. I am certain there must be some compatibility where that is concerned.

That said, I don't believe it has to be a total "agreed" upon, no crossing the limits, contractual type thing, which is what I see most commonly discussed.

People change. Their tastes change. Some don't even know they enjoy certain things until they see it, or read it, or something triggers a feeling. To say that if a Dom forces his sub to explore something that she is not necessarily comfortable with is abuse, in my opinion, is wrong.

I consent to that if I choose to submit. I consent to knowing that he will more than likely make me do things that I don't want to do. But, if it pleases him, then it pleases me. And, if that makes me a victim of abuse, then I guess I am consensual to being abused. *shrug*

 

[All_4_Love]

TPE is not the only way to have a D/s relationship dynamic in my opinion, in fact that sounds more like Master/slave to me.

But if that's your desire that's as valid as mine

Perhaps, this is where I always hit a wall. If D/s is not a total exchange of power, what is it?

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I think that women sometimes forget how much trust is necessary for a man to allow himself to become lost in his own power.. Just as it takes trust for a woman to allow herself to become lost in her own surrender.