Recycling an FWB

[LadyFunkenstein]

I've decided to recycle one I haven't seen in 18 months. I purposefully stopped seeing him right before I started dating the one who broke my heart. I just texted him a few minutes ago, and he's like "Let's get together Friday" as though nothing ever happened.

This FWB situation used to piss me off. Why? He is someone I wanted to date for real, to possibly have a real relationship. He is a couple of years older than me, I met him at a business dinner so we have a lot of professional contacts in common, he's great in bed and is hilarious. Alas, he likes his life as-is and has no interest in getting serious with anyone. Whenever I call or text I get moved back to the top of the rotation. (I can't help but think there is a rotation as the guy does pretty well for himself, owns a bad ass apartment in a ritzy part of the city. Late 40s, the gender ratio in NYC is really skewed in favor of men.)

Can I handle it this time? I figure, this time around I have a solid friend zone guy to pick up the emotional tab... Fair is fair, what I do to Jackie is essentially what "Phil" does to me: Taking relationship benefits ourselves with out giving back what the other person wants/needs.

Kinda shitty, no? Everybody's looking for something.

Any guesses as to the success rate?

Am I growing jaded when it comes to human interactions, will there be no turning back and I will do "love" again?

What is the point of no return?

 

[Tryharder62]

The thing that caught my eye is that you purposefully ended it with this guy before. I expect due to the reasons you listed. Soooo if you just need sex go for it but if you are looking for more you might want to keep looking. He doesn't seem to want more from what you wrote.

 

[rimmy]

As long as the original split was amicable then I see no reason why it can't work again. He's obviously into it so why not give it another go and see what happens.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

Just keep it eye level and don't make it more than what it is, which is getting an itch scratched the fun way.

 

[Noor]

Hold onto your heart, Lady Funk.

If he tries to get close to you, pull away. Some guys like the inequality of having a sex buddy who is more into them than they are into the sex buddy.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

I ended it because I wanted something more substantial. Started dating again and immediately met He Who Dumped Me. I think I may have given up on dating altogether, not sure. The split was amicable -- well I just started turning him down. I don't think he likes the inequality with me any more than I like the inequality with my friend zone dude. It just simple is.

And honestly I am not simply in it for the sex. If I were I'd just keep fucking Dan and be done with it. I want something a bit more than that. Eh... now that I typed that I have a feeling I am going to be disappointed again...

 

[Wife of Bath]

It sounds like he has some things you need but clearly not everything. I'd just be careful with your emotions. I've been in a similar situation and it ended in heartache.

 

[Noor]

This is a bit off subtle but I have a drawing of a recycling can on my white board with initials in it. When I throw a guy in there I look at him as recycled for someone else not me. I have only taken one out for sex, and only very occasionally at that.

I also look at it as a ruler, as infuriating as Byron could be at times, I never considered recycling him or as he would suggest "just shoot me and get a replacement."

I guess I look at recycling those guys as a waste of time where I could be with someone else whom I wanted to keep and wanted me. I kind of wished I hadn't done some of that and spent more time focusing on other people earlier on.

 

[Que]

I've decided to recycle one I haven't seen in 18 months. I purposefully stopped seeing him right before I started dating the one who broke my heart. I just texted him a few minutes ago, and he's like "Let's get together Friday" as though nothing ever happened.

This FWB situation used to piss me off. Why? He is someone I wanted to date for real, to possibly have a real relationship. He is a couple of years older than me, I met him at a business dinner so we have a lot of professional contacts in common, he's great in bed and is hilarious. Alas, he likes his life as-is and has no interest in getting serious with anyone. Whenever I call or text I get moved back to the top of the rotation. (I can't help but think there is a rotation as the guy does pretty well for himself, owns a bad ass apartment in a ritzy part of the city. Late 40s, the gender ratio in NYC is really skewed in favor of men.)

Can I handle it this time? I figure, this time around I have a solid friend zone guy to pick up the emotional tab... Fair is fair, what I do to Jackie is essentially what "Phil" does to me: Taking relationship benefits ourselves with out giving back what the other person wants/needs.

Kinda shitty, no? Everybody's looking for something.

Any guesses as to the success rate?

Am I growing jaded when it comes to human interactions, will there be no turning back and I will do "love" again?

What is the point of no return?

There is a popular book. I forget the title but it is about modern relationships from a womans perspective. Compartmentalizing and getting all of your needs met, just not from one guy. One for validation, one for sex, one for mentoring/career advancement, etc.

It will hit me what the book is when I post this, probably.

I think it is not just women, it is modern life. Once the sexual freedom genie was out of the bottle, monogamy doesn't make a lot of sense.

Don't rule out him ever settling down. As he ages variety matters less. At least it feels that way for me. I had a FWB for about a year and a half. I only saw her when I was in town, could care less (at least initially) what she did when I was out of town, and had no strong urge to seek others. Since I could, I still gamed to keep in practice, but I rarely closed, because, why bother?... when I know my needs were being well met.

 

[Cucumber_lover]

There is a popular book. I forget the title but it is about modern relationships from a womans perspective. Compartmentalizing and getting all of your needs met, just not from one guy. One for validation, one for sex, one for mentoring/career advancement, etc.

It will hit me what the book is when I post this, probably.

I think it is not just women, it is modern life. Once the sexual freedom genie was out of the bottle, monogamy doesn't make a lot of sense.

Don't rule out him ever settling down. As he ages variety matters less. At least it feels that way for me. I had a FWB for about a year and a half. I only saw her when I was in town, could care less (at least initially) what she did when I was out of town, and had no strong urge to seek others. Since I could, I still gamed to keep in practice, but I rarely closed, because, why bother?... when I know my needs were being well met.

#willsheignoreyouagain?
#needingapproval

 

[Aquagal]

Maybe in the 18 months his situation has changed and he is also looking for something more. Give him a whirl and find out.

 

[Noor]

Don't rule out him ever settling down.

It is true people do change as they age sometimes. Some guys who never wanted to get married to the point of losing their LTRs over it can surprisingly feel that they want to marry, I can think of 3 people who did. It wasn't just that they found the right person to marry as much as for whatever reason they just felt okay about settling down in their 40's and 50's.
Strangely, I hasn't happened to me yet, although I supposed it might have...

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

There is a popular book. I forget the title but it is about modern relationships from a womans perspective. Compartmentalizing and getting all of your needs met, just not from one guy. One for validation, one for sex, one for mentoring/career advancement, etc.

It will hit me what the book is when I post this, probably.

I think it is not just women, it is modern life. Once the sexual freedom genie was out of the bottle, monogamy doesn't make a lot of sense.

Don't rule out him ever settling down. As he ages variety matters less. At least it feels that way for me. I had a FWB for about a year and a half. I only saw her when I was in town, could care less (at least initially) what she did when I was out of town, and had no strong urge to seek others. Since I could, I still gamed to keep in practice, but I rarely closed, because, why bother?... when I know my needs were being well met.

In NYC, men in their 50s don't want to settle down so long as they make a decent income and don't have health problems.

 

[sufisaint]

Keep walking around the the bend...back tracking is not moving in the right direction

 

[Noor]

In NYC, men in their 50s don't want to settle down so long as they make a decent income and don't have health problems.

Maybe they wait until they retire, some of these guys are retired.

 

[parodyluvr75]

Some guys just like being Mr. Right Now, others are just closed off emotionally, still smarting a previous relationship. I'd rather have a Right Now guy, than one with baggage. When you recycle, just figure the problems that were there before are probably still there. Good luck!

 

[thør]

Some guys just like being Mr. Right Now, others are just closed off emotionally, still smarting a previous relationship. I'd rather have a Right Now guy, than one with baggage. When you recycle, just figure the problems that were there before are probably still there. Good luck!

Can you wash 'em before they're back in the line-up.

 

[Que]

Can you wash 'em before they're back in the line-up.

At minimum, hose them off.

 

[Noor]

Can you wash 'em before they're back in the line-up.

It would be so cool to just be able to wash the baggage of someone, I bet they would feel pretty good about it too!
Best I could ever do was consistently replace baggage based feel with safe positive re-enforcement of good things.

 

[snugglestruggle]

There's Truth in wine, I'd say what's on your mind. You maybe surprised by his answers.

 

[parodyluvr75]

Can you wash 'em before they're back in the line-up.

It's the only polite thing to do.

 

[Que]

Pro-tip:

The ball-washing station you see near the tees are not for those type of balls. Apparently.