Reconciliation: Does it ever really work?

[McKenna]

Have you ever reconciled with a loved one, be they friend, family member, or spouse/lover, and had the relationship work? Why or why not?


Short question, open-ended I realize, just want to hear some experiences good, bad, or otherwise.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Have you ever reconciled with a loved one, be they friend, family member, or spouse/lover, and had the relationship work? Why or why not?


Short question, open-ended I realize, just want to hear some experiences good, bad, or otherwise.

Yes, its happened, the relationship was never really the same again but when there is that longing and need to have that person in your life, you get over those differences.

 

[Recidiva]

There are people I can't talk to in my family, who have decided I'm untalkable-to other than for me to admit that basically who I am and how I live is wrong, and that's pretty much what they'd like to hear. With them, no.

I get along okay with ex-sposes and ex-lovers, and once did give a try at reconciliation with someone (an ex-spouse now)

There's no easy answer here. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes getting through something hard together makes you stronger, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on all the effort and attempts put into the mending, from both people. Not something that an individual can control or predict.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Definition, please?

1. Reconciliation: Papering over the fundamental disagreement/incompatability until the next round.

2. Reconciliation: Refounding the relationship on a realistic and accurate assessment of what each party has inside him or her to offer, and is willing to contribute, rather that on what each hopes the other will someday maybe hopefully acquire or become willing to contribute.

I have experienced the second in ways that were successful, "success" being defined as having a mutually satisfactory relationship, but not necessarily the same kind of relationship. It can also cause the end of the relationship, should one or both parties decide that what they can realistically expect from the other person is not enough, and choose to move on.

I have experienced the first version, also, with predictable results.


(This is essentially the same answer I gave on impressive's current thread on a similar issue.)

 

[Aurora Black]

No. I cut people off when they hurt me, and my decision is final and everlasting.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

No. I cut people off when they hurt me, and my decision is final and everlasting.

Well said, Aurora. When the trust is damaged in a relationship it's over. Get over it.

 

[Guest]

Have you ever reconciled with a loved one, be they friend, family member, or spouse/lover, and had the relationship work? Why or why not?


Short question, open-ended I realize, just want to hear some experiences good, bad, or otherwise.

And a short answer is "no".

I've reconciled two separate relationships. One lasted four months and the other was a year. Every time you have an argument/discussion, the previous break-up is always mentioned to 'one-up' the other. Who hurt the other more or fuel for who was right/wrong. If the persons in the reconciled relationship can truly forgive and forget then it would work. However, I've never met anyone that can do either for very long if ever.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Well said, Aurora. When the trust is damaged in a relationship it's over. Get over it.

Yet, relationships (and friendships) do not only end because trust is damaged.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yet, relationships (and friendships) do not only end because trust is damaged.

That's true, but I think other reasons are outside the scope of the question, Nirvana

 

[rgraham666]

It depends.

I haven't seen my ex-wife in well over a decade. I have not the slightest wish to either.

In a couple of more recent cases, I pulled well back. Once I calmed down, I started treating it as as a new thing. I do keep in touch, but I don't get close enough for them to hurt me again.

Could these be re-built? Possibly. But it will be a while before I'll trust them enough to be careful with my feelings again.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

The capacity one has for forgiveness is also a factor.

 

[McKenna]

I once had an "argument" (it was more like WWIII) with my sister. We did not speak nor see each other for two years, and we live in the same city.

One day I was walking the mall around Christmastime, trying to get in some last minute shopping before we flew to the in-laws for the holiday, when who should I run into? My sister.

We talked. Civilly. It was good to see her, my heart was nearly bursting. In that moment it wasn't that we forgot what happened, but that we put it aside for a few minutes. That began a reconcilliation.

I like Roxelby's second definition:

2. Reconciliation: Refounding the relationship on a realistic and accurate assessment of what each party has inside him or her to offer, and is willing to contribute, rather that on what each hopes the other will someday maybe hopefully acquire or become willing to contribute.​

I think that's what my sister and I did. we re-found the relationship based on a realistic and accurate assessment of what each party has to offer. In part, for me, that included remvoing my sister from the pedestal I had put her on years ago; for her, I believe it meant seeing her "little" sister as a full-grown adult who isn't the same person she was when she was twelve.

We still have our moments where we butt heads, but the difference is, I believe, we both don't want another scene like we had years ago where we didn't speak for two years, so we're a bit more careful with how we deal with each other. We had to re-evaluate our relationship and how we deal with each other, we had to make some changes, tweak some old behaviors, but it's been worth it.

Had anyone asked me if we'd ever reconcile while we were in the midst of our "no talking?" I'd have told them "no." Funny how serendipity smiles once in a while and provides and "out" ...or is that an "in?"

To Aurora and Jenny, forgive me if this sounds harsh, but your attitudes remind me very much of myself when I was ten years younger. I've learned a few things since then, and part of what I've learned is that everyone is human, myself included. I sometimes hurt people inadvertently, and sometimes on purpose for whatever childish reason, and it'd be awful if they never forgave me my trespasses or idiocy.



So, the reason for this thread... Some of you know, and some of you don't, that I am married. My husband and I have been together for the past seven years. I say "together" loosely because though we never divorced, we had been living a sort of trial separation for the past year. Things are moving slowly in direction towards reconciliation; a year ago, I'd have said I was ready for divorce. LET ME OUT! But now?

I think about where we've been and where we're going and how much time we have invested in this relationship. It would take me damn near ten years to get this far with someone else (we've known each other ten years.) The simple fact is the affection never went away, just my desire to tolerate a few idiosyncracies. Some trust was violated, albeit inadvertently, but that doesn't mean the hurt was any less, nor was it any easier to get over. I've always respected him, but haven't always liked the way I was treated. Maybe I'm just getting older, more settled, I don't know ...but I feel more tolerant than I was. I'm realizing relationships are HARD work, and the best part is I believe my husband finally realizes this, too. I've come to the conclusion that a relationship isn't something you "have," it isn't a destination so to speak, it's a journey; things are constantly changing, effort is constantly required. That and I realized he isn't an expert at this relationship thing, either, and I should stop expecting him to be.

I've heard a few "happy ending" stories about relationships; I, myself, have experienced it with my sister. A marriage is so much more, though, and this is scary and exciting, and nerve-wracking all at the same time. I can't say what's right for me is right for anyone else, but sometimes hearing other's experiences teaches me in ways that my own experiences haven't.

Ack, this reads like a blog. I'm stopping now, but thank you all for sharing.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Have you ever reconciled with a loved one, be they friend, family member, or spouse/lover, and had the relationship work? Why or why not?

I prefer not to hold grudges or bad feelings when a relationship or friendship comes to an end. I prefer to hold onto the good memories and the good times and celebrate what we did have, rather than what we didn't. It would upset me very much, if the other person would choose to only remember the conflict and the hurt. It would be like denying the beauty of what we had.

So, yes, many of my ex lovers I stay in contact with. The nature of the relationship changes, ofcourse.

I choose to know many people, and consider many of them friends, but there are very few whom I allow close to who I really am. I have lost two people in my life with whom I was on that level with - the one to death, and the other through seperation - although we're still very good friends. There was not much conflict, so no reconciliation was necesarry - merely a redefining of who we are. And that was, and is a pleasant experience to rediscover each other on a friendship level.

Family . . . a different situation alltogether. We're a huge family, and passionate and one of us is always fighting with another. Most of the times it's not too serious, but it can get intense. I have sisters who I don't see often, because we do not get along well. But I havn't banned them out of my life - it's just a case of us not having much in common, or not understanding/ knowing each other, i suppose.

Relationships are incredibly important to me - friendship, family and lovers. I ask a lot of them, and I give back as much, if not more, in return. My close relationships are intense - I wouldn't want it any other way. If there is a situation where things are not going well, I do whatever I can to solve it - work on the problem together. I hurt intensily if there is any signs of my close relationships coming to an end. I'm very vulnerable that way.

I know I probably havn't exactly answered your question, McK. These are just my thoughts.

 

[English Lady]

I don't think I've ever had any kind of relationship with a person that has ended that badly that if i saw them again we'd not be able to strike up some kind of conversation. So I can't really comment, but I think forgiveness is a great thing that should be practised more in this world

 

[Nirvanadragones]

The capacity one has for forgiveness is also a factor.

I'd say the capacity is very much determined by the nature of the reason for the "break-up"

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I'd say the capacity is very much determined by the nature of the reason for the "break-up"

True, I can be very forgiving but a very few people have hurt me enough that I won't forgive them.

 

[S-Des]

I think about where we've been and where we're going and how much time we have invested in this relationship. It would take me damn near ten years to get this far with someone else (we've known each other ten years.) The simple fact is the affection never went away, just my desire to tolerate a few idiosyncracies. Some trust was violated, albeit inadvertently, but that doesn't mean the hurt was any less, nor was it any easier to get over. I've always respected him, but haven't always liked the way I was treated. Maybe I'm just getting older, more settled, I don't know ...but I feel more tolerant than I was. I'm realizing relationships are HARD work, and the best part is I believe my husband finally realizes this, too. I've come to the conclusion that a relationship isn't something you "have," it isn't a destination so to speak, it's a journey; things are constantly changing, effort is constantly required. That and I realized he isn't an expert at this relationship thing, either, and I should stop expecting him to be.

I've heard a few "happy ending" stories about relationships; I, myself, have experienced it with my sister. A marriage is so much more, though, and this is scary and exciting, and nerve-wracking all at the same time. I can't say what's right for me is right for anyone else, but sometimes hearing other's experiences teaches me in ways that my own experiences haven't.

I love this post. It shows maturity and an deep understanding of life. I agree that if you believe you both still love each other and have grown that you can work past things. Good luck to you both.

 

[impressive]

I can do the "reconciliation" thing (via either of Roxanne's definitions) UNLESS trust has been damaged. Then, I'm afraid, the damage is largely irreparable. Lie to me, and we'll never totally get back to the place we were. That's not to say we'll not have ANY sort of relationship, just that I'll never be able to fully give of myself again. My guard will be up, on some level, forever.

 

[McKenna]

I love this post. It shows maturity and an deep understanding of life. I agree that if you believe you both still love each other and have grown that you can work past things. Good luck to you both.

Thank you, muchly.

I can do the "reconciliation" thing (via either of Roxanne's definitions) UNLESS trust has been damaged. Then, I'm afraid, the damage is largely irreparable. Lie to me, and we'll never totally get back to the place we were. That's not to say we'll not have ANY sort of relationship, just that I'll never be able to fully give of myself again. My guard will be up, on some level, forever.

Imp, this brings to mind a question. I'm not singling you out for any other reason than your comment above made me think of it. I believe trust can be violated in ways that have nothing to do with lies. I also believe that rebuilding trust is the MOST difficult thing, if not damned near impossible thing, to accomplish in a relationship.

My question is, is it only a lie as a violation of trust that you won't tolerate, or is there more? (This question is open to anyone willing to answer it.)

Edited bit: Here's an example to try to illustrate what I mean: If you trust someone to do something, and they fail to do it even if they said they would, is this too big of a violation of trust to overcome?

 

[L_homme]

My question is, is it only a lie as a violation of trust that you won't tolerate, or is there more? (This question is open to anyone willing to answer it.)

Not at all sure what context this thread is in, but let me try and answer your question. If one person lies to another and then expects reconciliation at a later stage, it won't work. A lie in any relationship situation is a violation of trust and some people choose to put up with it. Being as honest as possible is all very well but it's futile if the other person doesn't believe you. As for your example below, unless there was good reason why someone didn't do something for you when they said they would, it's not a violation, merely an inconvenience. My view is that if you want something done right, you do it for yourself. If you entrust something to someone and they don't deliver, you won't ask them again. Is that what you are getting at?

 

[impressive]

Edited bit: Here's an example to try to illustrate what I mean: If you trust someone to do something, and they fail to do it even if they said they would, is this too big of a violation of trust to overcome?

To some extent, yes, in that I will not trust (as in "rely on") that person to do something for me again. My guard will be up & I'll be ready with my contingency plan should the person disappoint me again.

I won't cut that someone out of my life, but my expectations and opinion of that person WILL change ... however slightly. Such disappointments are cumulative, and the weight of them will take its toll.

 

[neonlyte]

Reconciliation, to some degree, depends on the nature of the initial relationship and the relationship considered tolerable post dispute.

Trust - for me - is paramount, especially in an intimate relationship, though I admit to 'sharing' a girl in my late teens for almost two years and that likely conditioned my perspective.

I am immensely trusting and equally forgiving, but there is a line and the line is final, once crossed there is no way back. My wife thinks I am far too trusting, I tend to consider the other parties position rather than my own, look to my faults that might have led to a dispute rather than seek out their faults as ammunition.

I split from my parents and sisters following a messy and distressing divorce when I was eighteen and haven't seen any of them since. I am now, unbelievably, in the process of taking legal action against my father for exposing me to asbestos when I was fifteen - not something I want to do but he was my employer at the time and I have a legal requirement in the UK to file an action within three years of being notified of asbestosis - another great idea for a novel - in case my benign state becomes malignant. I don't harbour a grudge for the asbestosis, but I do for the break up of the family, and curiously, pursuing this legal action has provided background to the events of forty years ago and served to reinforce my belief that I made the right choice then.

None of my friends has ever betrayed my trust, nor I theirs, and through my working life, I only ever had two 'bad' employees - one a petty thief whose father threatened all sort of retaliation until I produced the local newspaper citing her arrest for shoplifting in another store. The other was a serious thief and might have got away with the theft if I hadn't unfortunately come into the office one Saturday, opened the post only to find we were buying goods and equipment through a 'front company' set up by her and her husband. She went to court.

I trust people absolutely - until they betray me - then reconciliation is impossible.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Aurora Black: No. I cut people off when they hurt me, and my decision is final and everlasting.
Jenny_Jackson: When the trust is damaged in a relationship it's over. Get over it.
ABSTRUSE: The capacity one has for forgiveness is also a factor.

It's interesting. My reaction to the kind of experiences suggested by these remarks is to be angry with myself for deluding myself about who the other person really is/was. Because, I think the evidence is always there right from the start, and it's my choice to accept it or evade it. If I do the latter, who's fault is that?

I can imagine a situation in which a person is genuinely fooled by a tremendous actor, but I think this is rare. Suspension of disbelief works for fiction, but when done in real life, beware!

Maybe I'm too harsh with myself in this. I do try to attend scrupulously to the evidence and exercise determinedly independent thinking about individualsm I meet. I have to resist a tendency to make firm judgments too early about a person, and get better at that as I grow older and hopefully wiser. I also tend to read in sympathetic rationales (like ignorance) for behavior that suggests ethical deficiencies – but I do not excuse such behavior and deficiencies, and don't get close to such individuals.

The bottom line is, people don't hurt me often, and trust that's not given can't be broken.

This could be a recipe for isolation, and a cause for the "George Gray" existence I fear. (Google that name with "Spoon River.") It could be, but I don't think it is in my case. I have opened myself to love, "left the harbor" so to speak. That it didn't work out was because, notwithstanding openness, honesty and realistic appraisals going in, it just turned out that one or both parties did not possess what the other wanted or needed in a relationship. There had been no dishonesty – we just didn't know before what we learned over time.



McKenna, you may potentially be on the threshold of a bright new season in your life and relationship. Why? It sounds like now you both really know what the other does and does not have to offer, and both have decided that, "Hey – that's not bad! I like that package!" If that is correct, then your relationship going forward will be based on the most solid of foundations, and will have none of the stresses of one build on a flawed foundation. Without those stresses – whoopee! Good times ahead!

There is one possible fly in this ointment: You want a baby. If he actively does not, then you probably need to move on, because when your "clock" goes you'll be bitter for having missed it. If you do move on for that reason there is no guarantee that you will find a replacement (Bel's taken), but at least this guy won't have stolen your opportunity to do so.

Best wishes to you, lovely woman.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I believe trust can be violated in ways that have nothing to do with lies. I also believe that rebuilding trust is the MOST difficult thing, if not damned near impossible thing, to accomplish in a relationship.

My question is, is it only a lie as a violation of trust that you won't tolerate, or is there more?

There is so much more. Trust is not only about honesty. It's about placing yourself in the vulnerable position of opening yourself up to others and relying on them for what you need in a friend/ lover.

 

[Huckleman2000]

There is a book that I would heartily recommend to anyone trying to think through a relationship that was broken through a breach of trust. It's specifically about extra-marital affairs, but there is such a wide range of what defines 'an affair' that I would imagine that it would be helpful for any sort of 'trust' issues.

It's called After the Affair, by Janis Spring. Here is the Amazon link