Recognizing A Wanna Be Dom / Master / Pyl

[Miss Diva]

So to all the DOM / Masters / PYLs, how can we pyls recognize a wanna be PYL? Are there signs, clues before we go into a session or keep seeing the person. Does anyone have any personal experience they may want to share.

In my case I met a guy online who said he was a DOM but did not want to use safewords nor protection and refused to chat about it online when I asked all sorts of questions. I was really new and had many questions at the time.I stopped seeing him for other reasons but now I know better.

My current PYL tells me stuff before I ask them.

Witcha I am sorry you had a terrible experience. So this is why I am asking.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So to all the DOM / Masters / PYLs, how can we pyls recognize a wanna be PYL? Are there signs, clues before we go into a session or keep seeing the person. Does anyone have any personal experience they may want to share.

In my case I met a guy online who said he was a DOM but did not want to use safewords nor protection and refused to chat about it online when I asked all sorts of questions. I was really new and had many questions at the time.I stopped seeing him for other reasons but now I know better.

My current PYL tells me stuff before I ask them.

Witcha I am sorry you had a terrible experience. So this is why I am asking.

This thread, recently bumped by snowy ciara, has a lot of good thoughts on this subject; though it originally addressed only predators, players and BS artists, most of what is said in it applies to wannabes, too.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=112598

My personal take on the subject(s) is that one needs to communicate, then communicate some more, and then communicate, damnit! If the prospective PYL isn't interested in communicating, then he likely fits into the pred/player/BSer/wannabe categories.

Oh, yeah... don't forget to freakin' communicate!

 

[graceanne]

Re: Re: Recognizing A Wanna Be Dom / Master / Pyl

This thread, recently bumped by snowy ciara, has a lot of good thoughts on this subject; though it originally addressed only predators, players and BS artists, most of what is said in it applies to wannabes, too.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=112598

My personal take on the subject(s) is that one needs to communicate, then communicate some more, and then communicate, damnit! If the prospective PYL isn't interested in communicating, then he likely fits into the pred/player/BSer/wannabe categories.

Oh, yeah... don't forget to freakin' hcommunicate!

So, let me get this straight. We're supposed to communicate? I'm not sure my feeble brain can handle that. LOL

I agree, communication is necessary, but I think that instinct is important too. If something seems off, listen to yourself. This is your safety and well being we're talking about here, it's not risking because you need facts.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

So to all the DOM / Masters / PYLs, how can we pyls recognize a wanna be PYL? Are there signs, clues before we go into a session or keep seeing the person. Does anyone have any personal experience they may want to share.

In my case I met a guy online who said he was a DOM but did not want to use safewords nor protection and refused to chat about it online when I asked all sorts of questions. I was really new and had many questions at the time.I stopped seeing him for other reasons but now I know better.

My current PYL tells me stuff before I ask them.

Witcha I am sorry you had a terrible experience. So this is why I am asking.

Time to resurrect an old favorite.

I'd suggest you read this thread from the BEGINNING. It will make a lot more sense.

Johnny Mayberry's New Sub Haven

There are alot of nuggets of wisdom in amongst the satire and humor.

~anelize

 

[Caitlynne]

I loved that thread. It took on a serious subject with such good humor and style.

Give my best to Johnny BTW.

~ Cait

 

[FungiUg]

I dislike the poor, downtrodden "wannabes" -- or rather, I dislike the way they are assumed to be bad things.

After all, weren't we all wannabes at one point?

I think if you are wanting someone experienced, you simply have to ask. Of course, then you need only worry about liars and predators and so on, and those are SERIOUS things to worry about.

If on the other hand you are referring to people who SAY they are into it, but when it comes to reality they pike... well, they fall under the category of liars. Similarly, the NFIs aren't necessarily wannabes either -- I'm assured that some people can be experienced, and yet STILL have no fucking idea of what they are doing.

Honesty, communication and trust. It's funny how those things come up over and over again, isn't it?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess as in all things subjective, the word wannabe is going to mean different things to different people. That being said, I gather from discussions on various forums that the most common definition that comes up is one who wants to play with others, but despite the availability of information, the willingness of others to share experience and safety tips, those referred to as wannabe's continue to play in a way they see as 'good enough' or 'their way' and usually one which is not only dangerous but in many cases abusive, all the time insisting they do not have to change or listen as it is everyone else's problem. In essence they want to be known as a genuine player, but like people who like to get a job purely through friends and family (no experience or real knowledge) placing them there as opposed to getting the job through proven ability, they want to take the easy road without putting in any effort but also want to be accepted as being experienced.

That to me demonstrates not only a person who has no interest in taking responsibility, but also has a problem with maturity and their own self esteem/image.....never a safe option for a play partner. As S_W says, if someone is not willing to communicate, PYL or pyl, it is usually a good sign they are not going to have your best interests at heart, or be very interested in anyone's needs but their own, regardless of outcomes.

IMO, that is far different from a newbie, or translated, those who are new and learning what works for them, or those who are interested in getting into play. Yes, mistakes can be made by those people too (and in reality even the most experienced players/lifestylers are not immune to making mistakes), but the difference is the newbie is usually interested in learning, protecting themselves and their partner, and are more than willing to explore and learn from others whether it be by direct contact or reading etc.

Communicate, listen to your natural instincts, don't allow another to persuade you those instincts are stupid simply because you cannot defend them in a scientific manner, and above all remember until you give up that right you always have a right to a safe word and your own self preservation.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Write down a list of things you think you need-deserve from a new date who may or may not be dominant.

Stick to your list.

Do you need anonymity, yet he does things that you feel "out" you? What happens if you ask him to stop? Do you like the way he handles it?

(or she, we could be talking any gender)

plain
common
sense

and stay feeling entitled to your own boundaries - you've not submitted yet.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Just some general comments...

1. Inexperienced does not mean fake.

2. A PYL not being into the same kinks and fetishes you have does not mean that person is a phony (and vice versa). It just means you are not compatible for a relationship.

3. People with significant real experience will not be interested in too much online fantasy stuff -- they will most likely be using the internet to screen you to know if you will meet real life.

4. Remember a BDSM relationship is just like anything else in real life -- you wouldn't sign a blank check, you would sign a contract without reading it, you wouldn't get in the car with a drunk driver...so don't throw all common sense out the window just because someone says they are a dom/me.

 

[Gil_T2]

Since my discovery of my interest in MASTER/sub I've had several subs & my first contact was always with one on one chat to seek their limits,likes & for me to get an idea of who & what they were looking for, several ladies were rejected as their desires were not in line with mine, the ladies i did take on were all repeatedly given the SAFE WORDS & these must always be honoured even though they do get pushed a little.

I stopped comming to the BDSM boards of LIT as several so called DOMS thought they had the right to tell me how to treat my subs, I know these were only online MASTERS or only in their minds as their stupidity was outstanding. I guess I'm doing OK as my loverly lady BANDIT moved countries to live ith me but my MASTER/sub play is just that play do not want a 24/7 one at all.

The most important thing is to talk & ask & listen & above all RESPECT & HONESTY.

 

[FungiUg]

I stopped comming to the BDSM boards of LIT as several so called DOMS thought they had the right to tell me how to treat my subs

This kind of comment is always sad.

I mean, we are an "alternative" um, thingie (lifestyle, interest, sexual persuasion, whatever.) We go counter to the norm, right? And yet we seem to spend so much time trying to box each other up, stick labels on each other, and tell each other there is only "one true way."

It's all hogwash. (Has anyone actually tried to wash a pig?)

There is no true way. There is only the way that works for you and your partner(s). That's what is important. Sure we can learn from each other (yay!) and that's what the board is SUPPOSED to encourage. But... we don't need to become each other.

Celebrate diversity, not conformity!

 

[kayte]

This kind of comment is always sad.

I mean, we are an "alternative" um, thingie (lifestyle, interest, sexual persuasion, whatever.) We go counter to the norm, right? And yet we seem to spend so much time trying to box each other up, stick labels on each other, and tell each other there is only "one true way."

It's all hogwash. (Has anyone actually tried to wash a pig?)

There is no true way. There is only the way that works for you and your partner(s). That's what is important. Sure we can learn from each other (yay!) and that's what the board is SUPPOSED to encourage. But... we don't need to become each other.

Celebrate diversity, not conformity!

What Fungi said!!!

Hi there {{{{Fungi}}}}} So nice to see you!! Hope all is going well for you!!!

 

[AngelicAssassin]

It's all hogwash. (Has anyone actually tried to wash a pig?)

Use a pressure hose, and avoid the sandblast setting.

 

[Netzach]

I prefer the pigs wash themselves before they visit.

sorry, hijack.

 

[Guest]

This kind of comment is always sad.

I mean, we are an "alternative" um, thingie (lifestyle, interest, sexual persuasion, whatever.) We go counter to the norm, right? And yet we seem to spend so much time trying to box each other up, stick labels on each other, and tell each other there is only "one true way."

It's all hogwash. (Has anyone actually tried to wash a pig?)

There is no true way. There is only the way that works for you and your partner(s). That's what is important. Sure we can learn from each other (yay!) and that's what the board is SUPPOSED to encourage. But... we don't need to become each other.

Celebrate diversity, not conformity!

I've washed a recalcitrant 5 year old ..thats about as bad I understand.

Other than that hmmmmm.. What he said..

 

[Gil_T2]

This kind of comment is always sad.

I mean, we are an "alternative" um, thingie (lifestyle, interest, sexual persuasion, whatever.) We go counter to the norm, right? And yet we seem to spend so much time trying to box each other up, stick labels on each other, and tell each other there is only "one true way."

It's all hogwash. (Has anyone actually tried to wash a pig?)

There is no true way. There is only the way that works for you and your partner(s). That's what is important. Sure we can learn from each other (yay!) and that's what the board is SUPPOSED to encourage. But... we don't need to become each other.

Celebrate diversity, not conformity!

Like I pointed out I doubt these RULE givers have likely never had a real life sub serve them & at best have only played with on line dominance.There are no RULES in my book just seeking each subs ideas for our play & the loverly lady that now lives with me is a willing student wanting to learn so I guess my system does work & these others are still just cock in hand MASTERS.