Recent stories by Sabledrake; feedback always welcome

[Sabledrake]

I've posted three all-new tales in the past few weeks, here for your reading pleasure!

Mister Fluffykins
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=84029
A strange little story of a college girl's reunion with her childhood plaything. Inspired by a "Story Ideas" thread.

A Knife at Lover's Lane
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=86890
Peggy Jean and Jimmy are interrupted on their date by a dark stranger with a knife.

The Neglected Son, Ch. 1: Chet and Mindy
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=87076
In which a young man meets up with his half-sister again ... and when she doesn't recognize him, wonders just how far she'll go.

Your comments always appreciated!

Sabledrake

 

[cookiejar]

I read "A Knife at Lover's Lane" before you posted this thread and as I wrote you I actually found myself starting to like Spike. Non-consent is something I very seldom read but yours just pulled me in. I will be sure to read your other stories. Good work IMHO.


Cookie

 

[Mary Riley]

I have only gotten around to reading Mr. Fluffykins but I have to tell you...I think it was extremely creative and well written. It screamed with originality. At the same time certain parts of it actually reminded me of something out of a nightmare. If I woke up to a stuffed animal trying to molest me I'd probably shit my pants...or run...or both which could be rather messy.

 

[Guest]

SableDrake-

I've been a long time fan of yours, and at one point had even been corresponding with you back and forth through email. I've loved all of your stories so far, and am sure that my opinions on your writing won't waver a bit when I read another.

I've opened up "A Knife at Lover's Lane," and will, if I see any, try to point out a few things that I think could be a little better than they already are.

Please, don't take any of my comments to heart.



"There's more where that come from," Spike said, staring into Peggy Jean's eyes so that she could see the rock-steady seriousness in his. "You want I should give him another?"

I really didn't like the last piece of dialogue you added here, but soley because of the way you phrased it. I realize you're trying to get the point across that he's a bad boy and doesn't have the best of grammar, but I had to read his last question a few times to really 'get into it'. Of course, I don't think the way you had him say it was bad, it just made me pause in the reading, where as up until that point I had been flying through without skimming once.



How come he wasn't fighting Spike? How come he wasn't protecting her?

I don't really feel that the word "come," fit the the tone you already had going through the first part of the story. I think something like, "Why wasn't he fighting Spike? Why wasn't he protecting her?" To me, the word "come," at least in this instance, seemed a bit too conversational.



"I bet it will," snorted Spike.

This made me giggle. Good job!

Wow! Another great piece of work. I found absolutely zero grammatical errors, and the two things I listed above are only simple opinions from a simple girl.

Very awesome!
Keep up the good work,
Sati

 

[pointless]

i loved mister fluffykins,but that is all i have read of yours so far. sorry i can't be more detailed, but i just had to say that. it was a neat little story. i'm sure i'll read the rest at a more suitable time.

 

[Sabledrake]

Wow ... it's been a feedback bonanza! My mailbox is getting dizzy. Thank you, everyone who's taken the time to drop me a note. Those who left addresses should see a reply soon, and to the many Anons out there, you aren't forgotten either!

Though to the one Anon who felt compelled to call me an 'ashole' (sic) on account of how The Neglected Son, Ch. 1, ended (objecting to the 'to be continued' aspect of it), I just want to say that it wasn't a cliffhanger, and when a story says Ch. 1 right in the title, what do you expect but that there's going to be a continuation?

To those who wanted to know about the next installment, I promise, there will indeed be a Ch. 2 and 3 at the very least. As for just when, I can't say for sure because they haven't been written yet. Hope to get to them soon, though!

Sati > how could I be offended? The day I start writing things that are completely perfect is the day I'll have to start inserting goofs on purpose, like those tapestry weavers in Tibet (at least, I think it's Tibet).

Mary and pointless > glad you liked that odd little tale. I got some funny looks when I told my nearest & dearest what I was working on. Hope you'll find the time to check out some more!

Cookie > thanks, and watch your mailbox!

Sabledrake

 

[MooncatX]

whee!

Checked out your poem *^_^* Nice! Loved the last lines especially. I've always had a soft spot for Dragons and Virgins.

Fluffykins... yeeks! yah, disturbing and hot! Creepy and yet kinda gets you hot and bothered when you read it. The first plushie story I've ever read, and only because I knew you'd throw a good story no matter what the subject.

And everything else... always a pleasure to read a Sabledrake story. yay!

Mooncat
=^,,^=

 

[Sabledrake]

Thanks, Mooncat!

Just a quick note for those who've been a'waiting and a'wondering -- I expect to have the second chapter of The Neglected Son submitted by the end of this week.

Thank you for your patience ... I was startled (but thrilled) by the number of votes and feedback the first chapter earned.

Sabledrake

 

[Ginger_grl]

Thanks, Mooncat!

Just a quick note for those who've been a'waiting and a'wondering -- I expect to have the second chapter of The Neglected Son submitted by the end of this week.

Thank you for your patience ... I was startled (but thrilled) by the number of votes and feedback the first chapter earned.

Sabledrake

Hi, I read Mr Fluffykins and intend to read some of your others, which considering the list will take some time.

Obviously very well written, I can learn much from you.

Thanks
G

 

[Sabledrake]

The Neglected Son, Ch. 2:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88976

In which Chet goes home with Mindy for the holidays, only to find that nobody else recognizes him either ... and that his aunt Paula gets a kick out of flirting with and teasing her daughter's boyfriends.

Chapter 3 should be along soon! Thanks to everyone who's sent such great feedback!

Ginger_grl > I hope you find time for more of the stories, and enjoy them!

Sabledrake

 

[Sabledrake]

Chapter 3 of The Neglected Son, in which Chet has an opportunity to blackmail his other sister, is now posted:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=89618

Feedback is as always greatly appreciated!

Sabledrake

 

[Sabledrake]

And here is Chapter 4, in which our hero tricks, drugs, and manipulates Mindy and their father into a spanky scene in front of the fire

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=90431

Sabledrake

 

[hiddenself]

I read the first two chapters of the "Neglected Son" saga.

You definitely have great command of the language. There are almost no errors, and you have obviously proof-read and edited carefully. The writing flows fairly well in most places and some parts are almost perfect. Like this one:

I stayed just like that for a moment, exultant with the knowledge that my dick was buried to the hilt in my own aunt. That it was my stepmother's pussy cinching tight around my shaft. My father's wife gazing up at me in dreamy, lust-ridden astonishment. My girlfriend's mother.

On the other hand, some other parts are substandard.

...but Mindy was far and away the hottest of the bunch.
I don't know anyone who uses that expression ("far and away"). In my ears, it simply sounds pretentious. But maybe it's a geographical linguistic difference?
I think "by far" might work better here.

Her body was walking talking dynamite...
This is much better, but still sounds like you're trying too hard to put in unusual descriptive phrases.

As good as your writing is, I can't say the same for story and plot.

First of all, many elements seem forced and melodramatic. Unbelievability factor is high too. Father who gives up on a son because he looks "scrawny" and "clumsy"? After 6 years Chet he has no trouble recognizing Mindy (or any of the others) but noone recognizes him? His own dad doesn't recognize him? Not bloody likely.

The sex scenes themselves are rather unimaginative. They are hot, but in a bland kind of way. There is no sexual personna that emerges from your characters (well, maybe with the partial exception of Mindy, but her slutty part is underdeveloped, IMO).

I think you're relying too much on the "forbidden" element and ignoring the sexuality. The allure of the forbidden may be sufficient motivation for Chet, but what is the motivation for all these female relatives that fall head over heels for him? There, the story is weak and predictable. Almost cliché.

Hey, I don't do glowing reviews.
Hope this wasn't too painful.

 

[Sabledrake]

hiddenself > thanks for the reply! It's kind of funny to read yours saying it's unbelievable after I got a feedback note complaining that this story was _too_ realistic. Can't please everybody, I guess

Sabledrake

 

[MooncatX]

realism and dark fantasy

hmmm...

I think the Neglected son story has a kind of current gothic realism. It reminded me a bit of the Great Gatsby, with the roll of inevitable tragedy.

I can see how a person changes so much from childhood to an adult they are not immediately recognizable, certainly if you are not expecting to see them. That Mindy didn't recognize her brother I can certainly buy. She hadn't seen him since they were both children, and he was apparently fat and someone she considered a loser. This handsome fit adult that she lusts after at "first sight" doesn't match her memory of her half brother, so it's believable to me that he doesn't trigger more than a vague familiarity at best.

When the rest of the "family" meet Chet, intro'd as Mindy's boyfriend, why should they recognize him? The youngest daughter does of course, at the worst moment for her, but only because he makes a point of having her look at him while she's desperately trying to figure out why he's doing something so dastardly to her (yes, I said dastardly, )

While there is a sense of stylized orchestration, for me there was nothing broke the illusion of realism. It had a kind of dark fable ambience to it.

My one disappointment is that Chet didn't meet some exquisitely horrible end. I wanted to see him slowly shredded, and only alive long enough to appreciate his own terrifying demise. But I'm a bit on the bloodthirsty side *^_^*

MooncatX