Rebuilding Trust?

[SweetErika]

It seems we've had a lot of posts about broken trust (via lying, cheating, etc.) recently, so I figured a discussion about rebuilding trust might be useful.

Assuming you want to continue having a relationship with someone who'd broken your trust, what would it take to rebuild your trust?

If you've broken someone's trust in a big way in the past, how have you handled it and attempted to repair the trust and relationship?

At what point do you throw your hands up and determine all trust is gone, a loved one can never be trusted again, the relationship is done due to broken trust, etc.?

Any other relevant thoughts are welcome, too, of course!

 

[NippleMuncher]

The simple answer regardless of circumstances is communication. The only way to move past or avoid unpreferred situations is to have regular open and honest communications with your partner.

IMHO, it is this lack of ability to have honesty, let alone true communication between partners that causes the rifts that cause infidelity and other problems. From personal experience I can say that this is absolutely the case, but your mileage may vary.

 

[Dribble]

Communication only works if you have two willing people. Sometimes, even then it doesn't work. Sometimes, people are not moving in the same direction.

 

[nakdsub]

It depends how the trust was broken...

If the broken trust involved lying in the first place, then all the communication in the world won't help because you don't trust your spouse to be truthful anymore.

I guess it would depend on the individual. I can tell you from experience, once a trust is broken with me, I can NEVER fully trust that person again. No matter how much time passes, you (or at least I) will always have a some amount of doubt in the back of your mind when faced with any kind uncertainty.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Communication only works if you have two willing people. Sometimes, even then it doesn't work. Sometimes, people are not moving in the same direction.

Therein lies the rub. Not only does there rarely seem to be TWO willing participants, many times even the willing are not in the same place at the same time.

I have had exactly one relationship where there is complete honesty, and even though we rarely sync up at the same place and time, we allow each other our faults and foibles and carry on with the understanding that the other will soon catch up. This relationship has both spoiled and ruined me in hopes of finding a suitable life companion.

 

[billrichards41]

Once trust is broken, it is a compromise on the behalf of the the one it happened too. If a person can or wants to live with that than they will regardless of what is done. So the counseling, communicating, working on it is all a way to rationalize. We are never the same after it happens and sadly we never forget.
So even if you "really want it" life is never going to be the same.
I think the honesty has to be with yourself and decide what is best for you to be healthy again.

 

[amofiga]

Broken trust is tough to repair. In fact, it's like a special possession or figurine that's broken and glued back together. It sort of looks like the thing it was, but when you look closely, you can see the glue joints. It's a constant reminder that the thing has been broken and patched. It's not always a bad thing. Sometimes the repair marks help remind someone that the overall good is still there, even if there are some scars. My mother-in-law tells of the time one of her toddler grand-daughters climbed up on a bookshelf to get a figurine that caught her eye. The bookshelf crashed, the figurine was broken, but nobody was hurt. The figurine was glued together and 45 years later, now that the grand-daughter is grown and gave my mother-in-law her first great grandchild, she still remembers and still loves her grand-daughter even though that initial trust was broken.

Unfortunately, I fall into the category of someone who has broken a trust. It took time and marriage counseling so salvage the marriage. I'd say that 95% of the trust has returned but there is still the "elephant in the room". We can't watch a movie or TV show that involves infidelity without me having feelings of guilt and wondering what's going on in her mind watching the same show. In many ways, our marriage is better than it was before the problem, and it has opened up many avenues of communication and activity that weren't there initially. Our marriage was bland and boring and we were both afraid to open up. However, the thing that got us to open up was also the thing that smashed it, and the "glue lines" will always be visible even though it's "repaired".

As to how to try to rebuild trust? Actions speak louder than words. I am ever mindful of how I behave and treat her. It's not just communication with words. It's demonstration through actions, not just words that help rebuild trust, and it doesn't happen quickly.

 

[Scotsman69]

I have discovered, the hard way, in agonising pain, that it's impossible to sustain love and trust when you're ten thousand miles apart.

You have to be together to do that. And she and I will never again be together.

 

[RainyFrancis]

I think it all depends on the person. If theycan move past it then it's time that heals. If the person just can't the it won't work. Most of the time people want to try, even when they know they're not the kind of person that an. It's sad reality time.

 

[Licia]

It seems we've had a lot of posts about broken trust (via lying, cheating, etc.) recently, so I figured a discussion about rebuilding trust might be useful.

Assuming you want to continue having a relationship with someone who'd broken your trust, what would it take to rebuild your trust?

The best and most immediate response I've ever spoken or receieved is I don't know. Immediate aftermath being what it is, the brain gets muddled by an emotional shitstorm. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just hubby, but when hell turns to give us a nod both of us are able to recognize that the intial communication failure(s) are what lead up to the mess. *Wanting* to actually continue the (a healthier) relationship is the fulcrum, and I think the point which is so difficult to decide upon.

If you've broken someone's trust in a big way in the past, how have you handled it and attempted to repair the trust and relationship?

Communication, real communication: the kind where words and actions align. When I decided it was time to live the truth, I had to get to a place where I was able to accept the consequence: divorce. I didn't want to get divorced. I loved him and still do to this day, but I hardly felt it was "right" not to give him the choice. The months which followed could be a novel, so for the sake of space that's how it started.

At what point do you throw your hands up and determine all trust is gone, a loved one can never be trusted again, the relationship is done due to broken trust, etc.?

Serial cheating, serial lying, or a partner who flatly refuses to attempt repair -- one who is quite happily miserable on their side of the cold war. Having battled on those lines, I'd rather be divorced.

 

[SweetErika]

Broken trust is tough to repair. In fact, it's like a special possession or figurine that's broken and glued back together. It sort of looks like the thing it was, but when you look closely, you can see the glue joints. It's a constant reminder that the thing has been broken and patched. It's not always a bad thing. Sometimes the repair marks help remind someone that the overall good is still there, even if there are some scars.

I like that analogy a lot, and it's usually how I tend to view things.

Unfortunately, I fall into the category of someone who has broken a trust. It took time and marriage counseling so salvage the marriage. I'd say that 95% of the trust has returned but there is still the "elephant in the room". We can't watch a movie or TV show that involves infidelity without me having feelings of guilt and wondering what's going on in her mind watching the same show.

That's tough. I've noticed how downright pervasive talk of cheating is in our culture. It's presented as a terrible, yet unavoidable, part of life in many instances. I wonder if that actually contributes to people cheating on some level.

As to how to try to rebuild trust? Actions speak louder than words. I am ever mindful of how I behave and treat her. It's not just communication with words. It's demonstration through actions, not just words that help rebuild trust, and it doesn't happen quickly.

Agreed. I think time and communication help, but actions/behaviors are the determining factor (for me, at least).

 

[bailadora]

I've noticed how downright pervasive talk of cheating is in our culture. It's presented as a terrible, yet unavoidable, part of life in many instances. I wonder if that actually contributes to people cheating on some level.

I think it makes it easier for people to rationalize cheating and maybe not feel so guilty about it. The sense that it's so common, it's gonna happen sooner or later, so what's the big deal.

Maybe I'm odd - but I just find it hard to conceive of a situation where cheating is unavoidable. To me - that premise precludes free will and I just don't buy it. No one can force another to break their vow of fidelity. Whether it be premeditated or a heat of the moment thing, it is still a *choice*.

 

[njlauren]

A really good topic, and one that is relevant to a lot of the stories on lit, as well as real life. I agree with what others have posted, that trust once broken is very hard to rebuild from and you will never totally remove that. After trust is broken, you go through a period of reconciliation, and for reconciliation to work it necessitates a new relationship, there is no way around it, the old one if you do it right is gone....but the new relationship still has the shadows of the old, if you forgive someone for cheating, for example, and move on with them, there are going to be consequences and the only way to go forward is dealing with them. The person who lied/cheated/broke trust is going to have to earn their partner's trust, and also through action is going to have to show they can be trusted. Part of that on the part of the person who cheats is understand that they have damaged their partner, whether they can see it or not, and if their partner seems to act out on that (for example, confronting a partner/spouse who has been working late a lot, or taking phone calls at all hours, and so forth, about if they are cheating, getting upset) and working through it, because it is going to happen. If the relationship has a dip in sex life, there is going to be a light bulb going off if there has been cheating.

For the person cheated against, it often means feeling the pain over, going through the emotions, the pain, of what happened, letting it go to a certain extent, and that isn't easy. Friend of mine went through that with a wayward spouse, who had cheated, and I often picked her up after her therapy sessions (they were separated at the time), and she looked like she had been through the wringer, literally stumbling she was so out of it, emotionally drained..and it took a lot of work and pain to be able to admit she loved her spouse enough to go through that, that it was worth saving.....more importantly, he did the work, too, from what i understand he was a wreck as well, and they patched it back together and last I heard were doing fine, but i am sure there is still pain there, scar tissue, that comes up.

Speaking for myself, I would also have to look at why and how that trust was broken. Was it done out of carelessness? If they cheated, was it something that happened situationally i.e at the wrong time and the wrong place and succumbed, or was it cheating where they ware doing so quite deliberately, sought it out while actively trying to fool me? Did they seem genuinely contrite about what they did and came off as really upset at hurting me, or was it more like they knew what they lost if I left (i.e having a marriage, a home to come home to, someone who was there when things needed to be done, etc)....... Especially if I could see mitigating circumstances, like for example I had been distant, not communicating, in other ways not fulfilling my end of the bargain, I would be a lot more likely to be able to move on with them then if I felt it was the actions of a selfish person who didn't care about hurting me or otherwise seemed to be simply not caring.

And what if they were doing it, misguided, but did so because they thought it was the right thing? (Not talking about cheating here, leaving that out of it). What if they shared a confidence with someone looking to get help and not realizing that was a person you should never share with (i.e a family member with a problem with the marriage, who is a gossiping, nasty bitch)...if the intent was to try and get help and the breach happened with all good intentions, that would be quite different then gossiping to a girl friend that a husband was having problems with ED.......it is a breach of trust, but what if the intent was good?

I think ultimately it comes down to how much of a real relationship the people have in terms of how it gets settled. If they are in a 'comfort' situation, where they are together more out of being comfortable together and afraid of what is out there, it is a lot less likely to fail then when they have strong emotions for each other (I know, *Duh*). In the end it comes down to two people who love and respect each other another to do the hard work it takes to patch it together, and even then there are no guarantees. And there is hurt that would be just too far to mend together, for me, if my spouse betrayed my trust and did it in a way where, whether real or not, it was done in a way that ended up humiliating me, like for example she had cheated on me and she and/or her partner in crime broadcast the fact that they were cheating, it would be pretty close to certain I would not be able to reconcile, or if the cheating seemed to be my partner had so totally lost respect of me that she felt like it was okay to do so yet try and keep the marriage going, if it was deliberate I would be very unlikely to try anything, because that humiliation, showing me little or no respect, would trigger a shitstorm no therapist, no matter how good, could clean out of me and I would be more like the guys with ultimate revenge stories on the LW section.

 

[olivemarie]

That's tough. I've noticed how downright pervasive talk of cheating is in our culture. It's presented as a terrible, yet unavoidable, part of life in many instances. I wonder if that actually contributes to people cheating on some level.

I think it makes it easier for people to rationalize cheating and maybe not feel so guilty about it. The sense that it's so common, it's gonna happen sooner or later, so what's the big deal.

Maybe I'm odd - but I just find it hard to conceive of a situation where cheating is unavoidable. To me - that premise precludes free will and I just don't buy it. No one can force another to break their vow of fidelity. Whether it be premeditated or a heat of the moment thing, it is still a *choice*.

This is something I've been recently thinking about, too...sadly because of the circumstances I've found myself in.

It's kind of disheartening, the realities we are constantly spoon-fed (internet, movies, tv, etc.) which claim people are always dishonest, so why expect--or strive to be--anything but?

But yes--there is always the choice. Always. I won't respect anyone who believes otherwise--ie, "it just happened," "it was an accident," "I don't know what came over me," blah blah blah. At least own up to your terrible decisions, if you want to find compassion from others.

 

[culloden]

It seems that some people are driven to cheat - We all know someone like that. It's almost as if it's a personality type. I don't mean to excuse cheating by that - I too think that free will is always the deciding factor.

To the original question of what it would take to trust a cheater again, I'm not sure. I tend to cut them out of my life (I have a brother I haven't seen or spoken with in 30 years because of him stealing from me). That said, forgiving is the Christian thing to do.

I don't see a cut and dry answer. It would depend on the person's previous track record. My brother has been a bum and liar since we were kids. I doubt he'll change, and it would take major convincing for me to trust him again. On the other hand, if my wife, who has been my anchor since high school, were to cheat on me, I think I'd find it easier to forgive her.

 

[cfuhrer]

Gary and Barbara Rosberg wrote two excellent books;"the five love needs of men and women" and "the five sex needs of men and women".

I can't remember which book it was in but they had, essentially, a play book for resurrecting a relationship where trust was broken. I would outline the steps but my books are over a thousand miles away at the moment. They do write from a faith based perspective but I think the basic process would work in any circumstance.

Trust is such an interesting creature; it is so enduring and yet so fragile, all at the same time. As has been said before communication, track record of past conduct and evaluation of present conduct would all play into it for me.

When we first got together hubby and I agreed that cheating was a one and done offense. (He had been cheated on before, and I have little tolerance for it). The longer we've been together the more hurt I would be, but I would also be more flexible and willing to at least try and work it out.

 

[njlauren]

It seems that some people are driven to cheat - We all know someone like that. It's almost as if it's a personality type. I don't mean to excuse cheating by that - I too think that free will is always the deciding factor.

To the original question of what it would take to trust a cheater again, I'm not sure. I tend to cut them out of my life (I have a brother I haven't seen or spoken with in 30 years because of him stealing from me). That said, forgiving is the Christian thing to do.

I don't see a cut and dry answer. It would depend on the person's previous track record. My brother has been a bum and liar since we were kids. I doubt he'll change, and it would take major convincing for me to trust him again. On the other hand, if my wife, who has been my anchor since high school, were to cheat on me, I think I'd find it easier to forgive her.

I think Culloden hit the nail on the head, it really comes down to whether you believe the person who is guilty can change, not break trust again,etc. It is funny, when you read the stories where the spouse has a long track record of being a rock, being a support, and they cheat or lie or whatever once, there should be a lot more reason to believe them if they are contrite, want to patch things up, etc, but because they always have been such a rock we can depend on the breach of trust is that much worse. I guess with someone with a long track record of being unreliable we don't put a lot of stock in them, expect them not to be trustworthy so if they breach it doesn't matter....

 

[bailadora]

I think Culloden hit the nail on the head, it really comes down to whether you believe the person who is guilty can change, not break trust again,etc....

That's the criteria I'd need to even attempt another go at the relationship if I'd been cheated on. Whether or not I'd eventually be able to trust him again is another story. He and I have such a long history together that I'd like to *think* I'd be able to move past it, but honestly? That's such an egregious break in faith that I'm not sure I could, even though I think I would want to.

 

[hapigirl]

I think Culloden hit the nail on the head, it really comes down to whether you believe the person who is guilty can change, not break trust again,etc....(snip)...I guess with someone with a long track record of being unreliable we don't put a lot of stock in them, expect them not to be trustworthy so if they breach it doesn't matter....

I agree with this. I also would have to take into account how long the affair lasted or how many different affairs or infidelities there were. The length of time I had been lied to would be a large part of the issue for me.

 

[SweetErika]

It seems that some people are driven to cheat - We all know someone like that. It's almost as if it's a personality type. I don't mean to excuse cheating by that - I too think that free will is always the deciding factor.

To the original question of what it would take to trust a cheater again, I'm not sure. I tend to cut them out of my life (I have a brother I haven't seen or spoken with in 30 years because of him stealing from me). That said, forgiving is the Christian thing to do.

I don't see a cut and dry answer. It would depend on the person's previous track record. My brother has been a bum and liar since we were kids. I doubt he'll change, and it would take major convincing for me to trust him again. On the other hand, if my wife, who has been my anchor since high school, were to cheat on me, I think I'd find it easier to forgive her.

I think some people are pathological liars, cheaters and/or sociopaths. Sometimes it's biological, but others it's a matter of how they were raised and what they experienced growing up. A child who sees a role model lie/cheat is likely to either become very opposed to that behavior (as I am; my dad cheated on my mom multiple times when I was little, and even though I didn't know it until later on, seeing my mom's pain left a big impression) or mimic it themselves eventually.

It's kind of off-track, but what do you think led to your brother being a thief and bum? Is it something inherent in him, or was he raised/treated differently than you when he was growing up?

Back on track, I believe forgiveness is freeing and only has to do with the person who has been wronged. So, for instance, you could forgive your brother to bring peace into your life without reestablishing a relationship with him, ever seeing, talking to or trusting him again. Yes, it feels good to hear someone forgives us, but when we hurt that person, I believe we must recognize that forgiveness is their deal, not ours. Our responsibility is to recognize the harm we've caused, apologize sincerely and behave in ways that might help them forgive us and trust us again. I think we can also forgive without forgetting, and that can be the best way to go.

 

[SweetErika]

Gary and Barbara Rosberg wrote two excellent books;"the five love needs of men and women" and "the five sex needs of men and women".

I can't remember which book it was in but they had, essentially, a play book for resurrecting a relationship where trust was broken. I would outline the steps but my books are over a thousand miles away at the moment. They do write from a faith based perspective but I think the basic process would work in any circumstance.

Trust is such an interesting creature; it is so enduring and yet so fragile, all at the same time. As has been said before communication, track record of past conduct and evaluation of present conduct would all play into it for me.

When we first got together hubby and I agreed that cheating was a one and done offense. (He had been cheated on before, and I have little tolerance for it). The longer we've been together the more hurt I would be, but I would also be more flexible and willing to at least try and work it out.

Thanks for those book recommendations! I belong to a couple of groups that will appreciate them a lot, I think.

I couldn't agree more with the bold part above!

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

Back on track, I believe forgiveness is freeing and only has to do with the person who has been wronged. So, for instance, you could forgive your brother to bring peace into your life without reestablishing a relationship with him, ever seeing, talking to or trusting him again. Yes, it feels good to hear someone forgives us, but when we hurt that person, I believe we must recognize that forgiveness is their deal, not ours. Our responsibility is to recognize the harm we've caused, apologize sincerely and behave in ways that might help them forgive us and trust us again. I think we can also forgive without forgetting, and that can be the best way to go.

That is something I have never understood: forgiveness. Especially that last bit. How can you forgive without forgetting? The memory keeps the harm perpetually new. But what is forgiveness, anyway - and how do you do it? Culloden's "You are dead to me, I'll forgive you at my funeral" approach makes sense to me as the merciful alternative to "You have hurt me, so now I will make your life hell to the fullest extent the law allows". That isn't forgiveness, but it's what I understand and it's what seems right and natural to me. I understand how punishing yourself for the wrongs you've done is freeing, since your pain atones for some of your guilt and frees you from some of those feelings, and I understand how punishing someone who wronged you can feel freeing. Forgiving them, though... I almost feel like forgiveness is a sin.

Which means I guess my answer to your original question is that I don't believe my trust can be rebuilt and likewise I wouldn't expect anyone to trust me ever again after I'd betrayed them, no matter what I did to atone for it or make amends. Time only goes one direction so harm can't be undone. The time you spent with whoever broke your trust can't be taken back from them and respent with someone else who won't break your trust. You can't forget the harm that was done. Put those things together and I don't believe forgiveness is possible.

 

[o_so_wet]

The one thing I remember growing up....my father telling me that lying was not tolerated. I was raised to tell the truth...no matter what that was. As an adult, I know that the truth will bring forward that which you might have hidden...and so....it creates an opportunity to make good change...or not. But you'll never have a weighted soul.

So.... no.

Someone who doesn't hold that ideal....sigh.


would have to have a fucking good excuse why they would lie to someone else.

But lie to me.

NO.

 

[SweetErika]

That is something I have never understood: forgiveness. Especially that last bit. How can you forgive without forgetting? The memory keeps the harm perpetually new. But what is forgiveness, anyway - and how do you do it? Culloden's "You are dead to me, I'll forgive you at my funeral" approach makes sense to me as the merciful alternative to "You have hurt me, so now I will make your life hell to the fullest extent the law allows". That isn't forgiveness, but it's what I understand and it's what seems right and natural to me. I understand how punishing yourself for the wrongs you've done is freeing, since your pain atones for some of your guilt and frees you from some of those feelings, and I understand how punishing someone who wronged you can feel freeing. Forgiving them, though... I almost feel like forgiveness is a sin.

Which means I guess my answer to your original question is that I don't believe my trust can be rebuilt and likewise I wouldn't expect anyone to trust me ever again after I'd betrayed them, no matter what I did to atone for it or make amends. Time only goes one direction so harm can't be undone. The time you spent with whoever broke your trust can't be taken back from them and respent with someone else who won't break your trust. You can't forget the harm that was done. Put those things together and I don't believe forgiveness is possible.

I suppose the simplest way to explain it is for me, forgiveness is letting go of the anger, hatred, resentment and/or other bad feelings I've been holding against someone. It's a conscious decision to move forward, rather than [re]live the past and let my past feelings dictate my thoughts and actions. There's a release then steps forward.

That doesn't mean I won't store the wrongdoing away somewhere just in case other things come up in the future, though. For instance, if a partner cheats on me, I may forgive them, but they're not going to get the same "fresh start" if they lie or cheat in the future - my memory will put the previous and current offenses together, decide whether or not it's a pattern, and use that information to make decisions going forward.

 

[sweet_secrets4u]

Trust is earn't and not given willy nilly. When someone breaks that trust given to us by our significant other, gaining it back can be a battle. Rebuilding trust is only possible when both partners are committed to the rebuilding trust once more.

The person needs to take ownership of breaking the trust in the first place, and both need to recognize what was the cause of breaking the trust, whether it be not getting enough sex to extending that home mortgage so a person can have that long desired new car (I actually knew someone who did that)

But the key to rebuilding is communication, communication, communication.