Realistic D/s relationships

[Ebonyfire]

One of the other threads has made me think of this question:

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?

Are fantasies standing in the way of developing realistic bonds that can last over time?

Are expectations too unreal to be successful?

Post your different thoughts and/or experiences on the subject.

 

[Goddess Helena]

Ebony asked:

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?


For Me, it is a partnership. My boy and I are equals. His gift of submission balances with My gift of domination. W/we make a point of making time to talk about what W/we do together in O/our D/s life as well as the romantic aspects of O/our relationship. I make sure that I understand his needs and desires. He does the same with Me. W/we are growing and learning together, as a couple but also as individuals. I think the basis for O/our relationship is like any other relationship, nilla or not. Trust, friendship and faith in each other.

I think any BDSM relationship needs those three things. Romantic or not.

I think as long as W/we are able to talk to one another, W/we will be fine and will be able to get through anything together.


Helena

Was that close to what you wanted, Ebony?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Ebony asked:

[B
Was that close to what you wanted, Ebony? [/B]

Is is exactly what I want.

The truth as you see it, so that others who post here can maybe catch a glimpse of their own truth, and not be afraid to share the realism in their own lives.

I get too philosophical when I am overtired, I guess.

I am gonna go to bed before I start sounding like David Caradine in Kung Fu.

"go to bed little grasshopper"

Oops, too late!

 

[Goddess Helena]

Thank you, Ebony.

I just wanted to make sure I understood what you were asking for.

Good night.


Helena

 

[Shadowsdream]

One of the other threads has made me think of this question:

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?

Are fantasies standing in the way of developing realistic bonds that can last over time?

Are expectations too unreal to be successful?

Post your different thoughts and/or experiences on the subject.

It looks like magic.
It tastes like ambrosia.
It smells like passion.
It feels like heaven.
It is reality created from O/our deepest fantasies.

It takes compatibility.
It requires honesty.
It flourishes with trust.
It dies with boredom.

A few simple thoughts. All generic...

If a submissive or a Dom/me has a vanilla mind set they will enter with expectaions that are unrealistic. If both partners enter from the vanilla world at the same time they may have matching expectations that they can build a satisfactory and passionate D/s lifestyle from. BECAUSE they are at the same mind set more or less when the decision to try this new world out began.


Some submissives do have unrealistic hopes and dreams of being taken care of financially, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually while they stay at home and take care of their Dominant. They see it in *vanilla* terms although they seldom realize it.
Most do not realize that many Dominants are not looking to support a submissive in all of these ways and see it more as a burden than a gift.
Some Dominants do not crave the constant control that a submissive needs, if a submissive chooses this Dominant and thinks they can change Him or Her they are not being realistic.

Now back on track...

Remember back to when the seeds of fantasy or Dominating or submitting began...and move forward...D/s is realistic and can be as deep and fullfilling as two participants want it to be. It is hard work to keep it successful but the journey is well worth the pain.

It is a lifestyle that was built by the bricks of fantasy. Fantasy is the foundation that keeps it strong. Fantasy must overlap reality but not replace it.

Fantasies should not stop a life long journey but enhance it. But if the submissive comes into the relationship looking for 24/7 of being locked in a cage and only allowed out to serve the Dominant..that is unrealistic. If the Dominant states that is how the submissive will exist..that is dishonest. Reality dictates what can and cannot happen in a 24 hour day 7 days a week,

It is not the romantic world in a primary way that many female submissives are looking for nor the hell of extreme humiliation and degredation that many male subs are looking for..but often a cross between the two.

Be honest up front about what Y/you are REALLY looking for. Do not settle for less than you need in a partner and do not waste your time if there is not a huge amount of mutual respect.

I will add more after I see where this is going...

That was just a toe wetting ramble

 

[A Desert Rose]

One of the other threads has made me think of this question:

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?

Are fantasies standing in the way of developing realistic bonds that can last over time?

Are expectations too unreal to be successful?

Post your different thoughts and/or experiences on the subject.

This is hard for me to post to, currently. But I need and want to. I want to be able to look back at this post sometime down the road and see how far I have come.

I am in the forest and all I can see right now are trees. I don't know what a D/s relationship looks like, I guess. I know what failure looks like. But I can't tell you what a successful one is like.

I will read what others say. I am kind of at a loss.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Shadows post brought tears to my eyes.

That is quite lovely, Ma'am.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Ebony asked:

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?

Trust, friendship and faith in each other.

I think any BDSM relationship needs those three things. Romantic or not.

I think as long as W/we are able to talk to one another, W/we will be fine and will be able to get through anything together.


Helena

Was that close to what you wanted, Ebony?

Very nice, Goddess. What everyone strives for, I think.

 

[Shadowsdream]

(Be honest up front about what Y/you are REALLY looking for. Do not settle for less than you need in a partner and do not waste your time if there is not a huge amount of mutual respect. )

Self evaluate *before* entering a relationship.
It is very doubtful that a Dominant will change to suit the submissive even though We are constantly molding the submissive to live up to Our expectations.
Generally the submissive has craved this care and control for a very long time and finds a freedom in giving over the responsibility of their well being and progressive enhancements in their day to day life.
Living it and playing it are realms apart in reality.
Conversation must flow constantly between the partners, deep and meaningful as well as light and rediculous.
Life is fluid and there is no script to fall back on. Changes in routine will occur now and then but that having been said...
Structure is safety...Rules are safety...Rituals are safety for a submissive to not have to second guess what is expected is a freedom in itself.
Hopefully the Dominant will encourage the submissive to spend quality time with friends and family on their own. Will even require it as a form of obedience. Often the submissive will bring old vanilla ideas of guilt into a BDSM relationship and feel that they must abandon their old life completely just to keep peace.
But consider this...
Is the Dominant not making the submissive less than they were rather than all they can be by limiting previous relationships such as these? Does this not effect emotional well being and spontaneous joy?
A reminder *NO GUILT* when sending them out of the door..and meaning it! will keep the Dominant on the mind of the one that adores them all through the night or day.
Allowing the submissive to phone home or the location of the Dominant also allows the submissive to still feel the Domination even from afar....Yes it is all possible but it is a great deal of work and should be entered into without illusions.

next chunk of ramble...

 

[Hecate]

Oh dear - I see a Hecate ramble coming up too as that is much on my mind lately!

shall be spending a few hours hanging out on Airports tonight, so given my laptop batteries are willing I shall respond later (whenever I find an interent conenction after that).

 

[AvaAdore]

i think if you're trying to have a serious relationship with a person, you need to build on the relationship before you venture into bdsm or other sexual things. that way you're relationship isnt purely based on bdsm, you have other things holding you together.

 

[aerofreak]

Re: Ebony asked:

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?


For Me, it is a partnership. My boy and I are equals. His gift of submission balances with My gift of domination. W/we make a point of making time to talk about what W/we do together in O/our D/s life as well as the romantic aspects of O/our relationship. I make sure that I understand his needs and desires. He does the same with Me. W/we are growing and learning together, as a couple but also as individuals. I think the basis for O/our relationship is like any other relationship, nilla or not. Trust, friendship and faith in each other.

I think any BDSM relationship needs those three things. Romantic or not.

I think as long as W/we are able to talk to one another, W/we will be fine and will be able to get through anything together.

this is exactly what my g/f and i want out of our relationships with our boys... and some boys just don't get it - why is that?

 

[Goddess Helena]

Re: Re: Ebony asked:

this is exactly what my g/f and i want out of our relationships with our boys... and some boys just don't get it - why is that?

Because they are boys would be my guess.

My boy is mature beyond his years and had an idea of what he wanted when W/we met. W/we began as friends and it has grown into something more. It has taken time and things have not always gone well with U/us, but neither of U/us want to walk away from what W/we have.


Thank you, ADR.
I hope you find the relationship that you desire.


Helena

 

[Justina123]

Forced realism...

I think in some ways, my being a single parent kind of forces me to be realistic. No matter how much my d/s relationship means to me, the responsibility of several children at home forces me and my dominant to be realistic. Nothing like parent/teacher conferences, soccer games and basketball practices, school dances, children sick in the middle of the night, etc. etc. to keep one's feet firmly planted on the ground! Ha.

- justina

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

It looks like magic.
It tastes like ambrosia.
It smells like passion.
It feels like heaven.
It is reality created from O/our deepest fantasies.

It takes compatibility.
It requires honesty.
It flourishes with trust.
It dies with boredom.

A few simple thoughts. All generic...

If a submissive or a Dom/me has a vanilla mind set they will enter with expectaions that are unrealistic. If both partners enter from the vanilla world at the same time they may have matching expectations that they can build a satisfactory and passionate D/s lifestyle from. BECAUSE they are at the same mind set more or less when the decision to try this new world out began.


Some submissives do have unrealistic hopes and dreams of being taken care of financially, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually while they stay at home and take care of their Dominant. They see it in *vanilla* terms although they seldom realize it.
Most do not realize that many Dominants are not looking to support a submissive in all of these ways and see it more as a burden than a gift.
Some Dominants do not crave the constant control that a submissive needs, if a submissive chooses this Dominant and thinks they can change Him or Her they are not being realistic.

Now back on track...

Remember back to when the seeds of fantasy or Dominating or submitting began...and move forward...D/s is realistic and can be as deep and fullfilling as two participants want it to be. It is hard work to keep it successful but the journey is well worth the pain.

It is a lifestyle that was built by the bricks of fantasy. Fantasy is the foundation that keeps it strong. Fantasy must overlap reality but not replace it.

Fantasies should not stop a life long journey but enhance it. But if the submissive comes into the relationship looking for 24/7 of being locked in a cage and only allowed out to serve the Dominant..that is unrealistic. If the Dominant states that is how the submissive will exist..that is dishonest. Reality dictates what can and cannot happen in a 24 hour day 7 days a week,

It is not the romantic world in a primary way that many female submissives are looking for nor the hell of extreme humiliation and degredation that many male subs are looking for..but often a cross between the two.

Be honest up front about what Y/you are REALLY looking for. Do not settle for less than you need in a partner and do not waste your time if there is not a huge amount of mutual respect.

I will add more after I see where this is going...

That was just a toe wetting ramble

I cannot improve on these thoughts!

What your post has made me realize that you can have a relationship with someone who is not in the lifestyly if they are not mired in a "vanilla mindset."

And My not having a vanilla mindset makes it impossible for Me to train a vanilla mindset to D/s.

Eb

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Ebony asked:

[ Trust, friendship and faith in each other.

Trust, friendship, and faith, describes the reality of my dealings with my submissives and my SO.

I prefer that to romance. YMMV.

Although flowers and romance are appreciated. I think the Gloria Brame book calls it a "different loving."

I will subcribe to that.

 

[BlondGirl]

To me, the nature of this hobby includes an acceptance of each other's imprefections (including mistakes -- expected in any relationship).

Expectations can easily become as unreal as a schoolgirl fantasy-bodice-ripper-romance. Especially with the desire for moremoremore and nownownow. And the typical shyness our culture cultivates concerning frank sexual discussion.

I would suspect that our typical SM based relationships mirror our typical vanilla relationships. If we are good at communicating, being more of a partner as opposed to an accessory, and focusing more on our partner instead of ourselves--then this is the basis of any strong relationship-romantic or otherwise.

If we burn every bridge, fly off the handle continuously, and have police officers stop by on official business in our vanilla lives, our SM relationships can be expected to be at least equally volatile.

Of course, there are many levels that fall in-between that most of us hopefully can be categorized in.

I also feel compelled to point out the reality that if you don't put anything into it, you can't blame anyone if you don't seem to get anything out of it either.

 

[Ebonyfire]

<snip>I also feel compelled to point out the reality that if you don't put anything into it, you can't blame anyone if you don't seem to get anything out of it either.

Great post BlondGirl. Thanks for dropping by. It has been a while.

Eb

 

[BlondGirl]

Thank you, Ebony fire. I am here, but just not so visible/vocal lately.

I appreciate your effort to make us think and put our ideas into words. I have been mulling over this one all evening.

The thought just occured to me that our fantasies (unrealistic and otherwise) concerning our sexual preferences can be compared to our popularity and talents of expression here. Some people seem to have it all together and some people just seem to stumble over and over and over and some never bother to try at all.
(If this makes no sense, please just chalk it all up to excellsive alcohol comsumption this evening.)

 

[Desdemona]

my reality is in transition

I am in a relatively new D/s relationship (app 4 months) that is also poly. Because we are all still getting to know each other and due to some other factors, everything is evolving. As He says, our lives are in flux. We are all growing and changing and working towards some shared goals. In fact, I expect that our relationship will continue to evolve over time because, in my experience, stagnation is the harbinger of truly bad things.

As everyone else has stated, it isn't all about the sex or even the D/s although those are important components. There is respect, affection, discipline, friendship and lots of communication. For me, our shared reality is both intensely magical and somewhat mundane. We work hard and we play joyfully. I think its a good balance. I'm looking forward to seeing what the future brings.

 

[Bjarni]

Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

A few simple thoughts. All generic...

... If both partners enter from the vanilla world at the same time they may have matching expectations that they can build a satisfactory and passionate D/s lifestyle from. BECAUSE they are at the same mind set more or less when the decision to try this new world out began...

This is the most reassuring thing I have read anywhere about entering the lifestyle, as this is the position we are in. Thank you for that.

This thread has done more to reassure me that the decision was the right one than anything else I have access to except my SO herself. Maybe now I will be able to abandon all those nagging doubts that have been holding us back, cause now I know that they came from the way I did live and think and mostly belong in the past. Thanks

Thanks again to all who have posted, especially to Ebonyfire for asking a question that I needed the answer to but didn't know how to ask.

 

[Ricckk]

Re: Ebony asked:

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?


For Me, it is a partnership.

Ditto.. I would only elaborate enough to say that I feel it is my responsibility to encourage my submissive's personal growth and confidence.

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

I am in the forest and all I can see right now are trees. I don't know what a D/s relationship looks like, I guess. I know what failure looks like. But I can't tell you what a successful one is like.

I could have written the above

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

I could have written the above

Where have you been hiding Richard? Happy New year!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

Thanks again to all who have posted, especially to Ebonyfire for asking a question that I needed the answer to but didn't know how to ask.

Thanks, it seems that our lively new crowd keeps giving me ideas. I hope you will stay and participate even more.

Eb