Read Please?

[mia_erotica]

Hi everyone! I'm not sure if it's allowed to solicit readers so I apologize to the powers that be. I wrote an Earth Day story. There are no comments posted. It's a quick read. Anyone? Thank you to those of you who took the time to read it already!

 

[Darkniciad]

We're a bit lazy around here, so it helps to post a link to the story. Haven't got time to read a the moment, but here's the link if anyone else can get in before I can get back:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=414907

 

[mia_erotica]

Thanks, D. I'm not link savvy.

 

[Darkniciad]

Links are easy. Just go to the first page of your story ( only page in this case ) and copy the URL from your browser's address bar.

Right click address bar -> Copy

Then just come here, start your post and paste it in the text box.

Right click text box -> Paste

The forum software automatically changes it into a link for you when you submit the post.

Now, on to the story.

The thing that strikes me is that there's perhaps a bit too much of a supernatural feel in the first, ghostly encounter to really connect with the second. I would have probably toned down the first encounter to make it feel less ghostly, and a little more psychic -- a memory that almost takes on life in the heat of the moment. That would mesh the two together a little better, in my opinion.

Alternately, pumping up the supernatural connections between Christopher and Matthew could have the same effect. Maybe a few "he always used to say -- how could he know?" moments.

The second approach might actually be better, because that helps something else that struck me as pushing the believability scale a bit. Once you pump up the supernatural in the whole story, it shifts into a new realm, which moves the believability bar. Then, the way she responds so quickly to a complete stranger in a public setting feels more natural.

I feel like there were a few too many analogies in there for me, and that they were too widely varied.

There were quite a few places where I feel that adding some punctuation would have made the sentence a great deal more clear -- easier to read at first glance.

One example:

Formed by a glacier they say it has no bottom

Just my knee-jerk impressions as I read. I'm also just a half-assed storyteller, not a real author, editor, or critic.

I think the story has potential, and I have to applaud anyone who can write a short tale. I've tried and failed many, many times.

 

[mia_erotica]

Thank you so much for the serious crit.

Thank you for taking the time to read it too. That means a lot to me.

 

[Darkniciad]

No problem I'm in the process of ripping apart and reassembling my Earth Day story right now, based upon suggestions I just got in PM. Having another set of eyes is a great boon most of the time.

 

[mia_erotica]

I am impressed with your dedication D. You mentioned something about your story in another thread I read. I hope it wasn't blatantly obvious that I wrote my story in less than 2 hours. I feel ashamed now.

 

[hypnopup]

Darkniciad's comments were along the same lines as what I was thinking. Also, the time from intercourse to ejaculation and orgasm seemed far too quick
"lifted me onto his naked lap" - lap made me think that you were laying or sitting down on a bench or in the grass, so falling into the river seemed out of place.

The humiliation with the two schoolboys also seemed out of place. What was the purpose there? You mentioned it, but your character seemed unaffected by it.

Finally, it's 67 degrees out and she fell into "ice-cold" water, realistic enough... but then

How about we start with a walk around the lake. Hi, I'm Christopher."

"Janet. I'm Janet." Once we shook hands and laughed at our attempt at formality we comfortably journeyed through the forest

Sounds like she should be freezing or at the very least chilled. If you had fallen into an ice-cold lake in below-room temperature conditions... walking around said lake isn't something most people would feel like doing.

Now, criticism aside, you definitely have a romantic streak and were able to convey that through your words... i.e. don't take my criticisms too harshly

 

[Darkniciad]

I am impressed with your dedication D. You mentioned something about your story in another thread I read. I hope it wasn't blatantly obvious that I wrote my story in less than 2 hours. I feel ashamed now.

I sort of have expectations to live up to. I've posted a story in my "of the wood" series for the last two years in the Earth Day contest, so I have to match or top the last two *laugh*

The suggestions are helping a lot, though it's painful to cut out some characters, scenes, and funny lines that I love.

A little less painful because I'll post those cut scenes on my website later, but still

Deep down, I knew that they needed to go, but I needed someone else to tell me before I could set my babies free.

 

[mia_erotica]

Hypnopup: Thanks for your comments. The characters are sitting on a bench that is placed extremely close to a lake on a path 2 miles into a wooded forest with a dirt path. So they have to walk out. I did forget they were wet. She was naked so I guess you should assume she put her clothes on. To some people 67 and sunny is super warm.

Dark: Good luck with your story in the contest. I'm sure it will be great.

 

[_Lynn_]

Don't expect readers to 'assume she put her clothes on'.

Also remember that what you see in your head at each scene might not be what you project in your words.

I never fit in what part the lady on the phone in the beginning had. The words are just there, telling us this information, then she's gone.

I agree about the humiliation with the boys. It didn't work for me.

Writing a short piece can be difficult. Everything you put in there needs to be important and work into a scene somehow.

Sci Fi & Fantasy isn't my genre, so maybe I just missed it all.

 

[mia_erotica]

Thnak you, ML.

 

[PurpleTiara]

In general I liked it, though it moved a bit fast for me. I think you could have slowed the pace a bit and thrown in more description. You had some really lovely metaphors, but did not take the time to develop them further. For example, if you stuck with the nature/symphony metaphor and developed it more and dropped a few extraneous ones, it would have had more impact.

I found myself saying "hey! Wait a sec!" because a few things came out of nowhere. For example, Christopher was an electric guitar, the birds were flutes and the squirrels were violins. What was the cymbal? I know it was your orgasm, but everything else in your symphony had an external component linked to your internal arousal. There was a bit of a disconnect there.

Great idea, it just suffered a bit in execution.

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Hey Mia i left a comment on your story.

Good luck and remember that nothing bad ever happens to an author. Its all material

 

[mia_erotica]

Thank you so much for your time and for your nice comments. I am thinking of making revisions to improve the story. For example the metaphors are musical b/c she is a music teacher and the young guy she meets represents modern music vs the symphony representing her husband.

I am so happy I found Literotica!

My question is how are contests judged? Are people more interested in getting off on the story or do they prefer good writing? I've read stories posted here that stay with me for days but don't turn me on and others that hit that button. Give the customers what they want. What do you want?

 

[mia_erotica]

In general I liked it, though it moved a bit fast for me. I think you could have slowed the pace a bit and thrown in more description. You had some really lovely metaphors, but did not take the time to develop them further. For example, if you stuck with the nature/symphony metaphor and developed it more and dropped a few extraneous ones, it would have had more impact.

I found myself saying "hey! Wait a sec!" because a few things came out of nowhere. For example, Christopher was an electric guitar, the birds were flutes and the squirrels were violins. What was the cymbal? I know it was your orgasm, but everything else in your symphony had an external component linked to your internal arousal. There was a bit of a disconnect there.

Great idea, it just suffered a bit in execution.

Thanks for your comments, PT. Thanks so much for reading.

 

[mia_erotica]

Thanks so much to the three people who left comments about A Walk Around the Green Lake. And thanks to the people who voted/scored it!

 

[mia_erotica]

Revised

I have revised A Walk Around the Green Lake and the new version is now posted. Thank you all for your comments!

 

[mia_erotica]

please read by midnight

I now have 22 votes for my story, A Walk Around the Green Lake, in the Earth Day contest. It would be really nice if 3 more people will please vote in the next 3 hours. It is a very short read.

 

[mia_erotica]

4000+

Hurray! 4000+ people have read my story. Thanks so much.

 

[mia_erotica]

Bump.